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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Our Time Deserves A Love Song - * Moderators: Administrator
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Don
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Our Time Deserves A Love Song by Marnie Mitchell Lister (wannabe) (Been There)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - An aging musician relives his first love when someone asks what inspired him to write a particular love song. - pdf, format


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Don  -  September 7th, 2009, 2:56pm
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stevie
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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This was an odd one. It had all the ingredients and very nearly pulls it off. I dunno, something in there holding it back from going from good to great.
Maybe too much detail on little things early on.
things picked up halfway through and the ending is nice.

A ggod re-write and this will be one of the better ones.


Note- no idea who wrote it. But its interesting trying to remember which writers have a distinctive 'look' from the software or template they use..


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LC
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Mmm, the beginning was a little too meandering. I was losing track of the characters. Nice use of flashback (the image of it, if not the 'slug' - thanks Elis, if I got it wrong) and voice over though. The actual story just came a little late imo. Loved the opening image and the final scene/image ... which did take me by surprise. Great title too.


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elis
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Aww!
Loved the ending.
That aftermath was spot on.

Great little story

I would have used a flashback to show the past. I know it is the major part of the story, but I think it still applies.

quote:For a brief and dreamy moment the man looks like a
younger version of Bart who picks up his son, now a
younger version of Adam and grabs his wifes hand.

Now if this is to be action we see, shouldn't it be presented as such?
The way this reads to me is just hear-say and not visible to the viewer. ( I may be wrong)

All in all. There was a small amount of humor and lots of romance...Kudos on that

Loved the read, thanks.

Almost forgot...The Lyrics blended well with the story...They were the story



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elis  -  August 30th, 2009, 8:34pm
the lyrics
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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I'll try ta adopt my best frickin' accent for this wicked cool script. Nothin' like tryin' ta get the Cape on a friday on tha' Bourne Bridge; talk about a frickin' pahkin' lot...Course in '76 they wouldah tuned into COZ or BCN, but the ditzy NY blonde wouldn't known that- hell, she's probably a Yankees fan [Yankees Suck]...the fact she had to take a whizzah was funny-added some comedy. Liked the romance between Mary an' Adam; it was, y'know, cute. 'Cept the dog bein' Ozzy-He was still in the guddah in 76, and yeah, he might have been down with Ol' School Sabbath, but the Ozzman didn't come into his own until 79 when Sharon saved him-(bless her haht) with Blizzahd of Ozz.  Liked the after school special reference...I remebah them on ABC and dreadin' havin' ta watch them instead of the Three Stooges on Channel 38. Liked the 76' Coloseum toowa-back when goin' to concert MEANT somethin'-a comin of age thing. I dunno 'bout Mary actually gettin' convented...Them Catholic parents used to threaten it, but nevah actually followed through. I guess this one did though and went on to strike terrah and feyah inta the hahts of CCD kids fourevah. Liked the set up of the song as a Storytellah session; the exposition fit well with the lyrics...Ovah all,  good job.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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Coding Herman
Posted: August 30th, 2009, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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I think this is good, very romantic and kinda sad. I agreed that the story starts off a bit late and I was wondering where this story is going. The characters are relatable as well.

You somewhat met the criteria of the challenge, just a bit more comedy would do.

I have no problem with the writing.

So a good job here.



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khamanna
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 12:28am Report to Moderator
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p3 - is Adam in cadillac too? He is, but you don't have it there.

"a brief and dreamy moment" is totally confusing to me, throws me off the track - because you did not introduce BArt as his dad, and Julie as Bart's girlfriend - but when I read on I understood. That took me away from the story when it shouldn't have.

but those are minor points, easily reworkable. I thought that your script was lovely, full of spirit... and romance.

Liked it a lot! A lot!
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 12:41am Report to Moderator
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Nice!  Another solid entry.  Easily one of the best so far.

Story worked well, and worked when all was said and done. It was moving, and you wrote your characters very well.  The beginning was defintely too detailed and slow, but you pulled it off in the end for sure.

Don't see any romantic comedy here, or much humor at all, but for what it is, it does work.

Although I defintely think you did an admirable job with the music, I think it could have been better.  I couldn't get the words to fit into the melody at all...the words, although nice for the message, could be much stronger...that's my only real complaint here.

With another week or so, this could be great.  Very nicely done.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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slap shot
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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i thought, while a bit simplistic, the story could have been crafted well enough to work...my biggest problem would be with the preponderance of those dreaded "ly" words...most studio readers really frown on that and red flags the script as one done by a "newbie"...try developing a stronger stable of "action verbs" and you'll see how much easier the description will flow...also there seemed to be subtext in your description.."obviously, not what he expected"...like the dialog...thought it clearly stood out as the strongest part of the script...
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mcornetto
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 1:26am Report to Moderator
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That was lovely, definitely Romantic.  

Nicely written.  And the ending gave me shivers.

It's missing the comedy but really, who cares?

The lyrics were well done and their reason for existing even more so.

The one thing I would question is the inclusion of Bart and Julie up front.  In a script this short you don't really need a diversion like that.  It made the begining quite slow.

Great job, overall!

You get
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grademan
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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13-OUR TIME DESERVES A LOVE SONG

Pros Romance! Style is a step up.

Cons Catholic girl becomes nun?

Comedy Light touch. Enough to qualify as light dramedy

Romance Very sweet vibe going here.

Lyrics Incorporated as lyrics for Storytellers I remember the show on VH1!

Writer Solid.  Hes heartbroken and speechless. Show dont tell?

Criteria Solid on all criteria.

Gary
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alffy
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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There wasn't much comedy here but I actually really liked the story.  I thought the idea was great and the lyrics fit perfectly.

I wasn't thrilled with Mary becoming a nun, it seemed a bit unnatural, if that makes sense.  Why was she barred from leaving the family boundry and being sent to become a nun?  The ending was a nice touch though.

I agree with Michael that the beginning was a tad slow but once Adam arrived at his mothers the pace picked up.

Your two main characters were believable and their bond felt real, a touching story.

A good effort and one of the best i've read so far.


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Tommyp
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey. Great script. Not comedy, but it was a good ending.

Instead of having "listens" when Liza is on the phone, maybe have "beat".

"Obviously, not what he expected. Hes heartbroken and speechless" is a weak. Show don't tell.

I liked it how you portrayed love, as a short thing, not two people being together for their whole life.

Well done with this, good read.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 31st, 2009, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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I did enjoy this, but there's no comedy here.

I think you could eliminate some of the Bart and Julie stuff
in the beginning, because this story isn't about them.

I'm almost wondering if you went back and added this
in order to try and put in some comedy.

My thoughts are is that you might consider reworking
the beginning.

This here:

>For a brief and dreamy moment the man looks like a
younger version of Bart who picks up his son, now a
younger version of Adam and grabs his wifes hand.

Really clunky.

And here:

>MARY
Im leaving tomorrow. My mother
is sending me away, to a convent.
Ive known for a while but was
too scared to tell you.

Obviously, not what he expected. Hes heartbroken and
speechless.

The above words kind of rang true with how I felt with this development; the reason being, is because it felt really forced. Again, same old story and problem I think I have, but I never see it. Not the proper foreshadowing.

So, yes, she can bring on this news, but we need to see how and why her mother is being pushed to the edge like this.

I love the way you chose to end this. Very good creative decision. ... and it's
strange, because as I said, I feel like you need to rework the beginning.

Hmmm.... I wonder if you could show Mary in some kind of scene where she gets a weird kind of shiver as she passes a church or something. When she's doing something bad with friends, sneaking out late or something... Maybe it creeps her out, but in a good way. Just that fated kind of deal. I don't know. It's late and I'm burnt. Don't listen to me!  

This has potential.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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bobtheballa
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting read. This one came pretty close to a romantic dramedy and the song was quite good... it probably could've used a bit more comedy though.

For me though, I didn't completely buy the chemistry between Mary and Adam. There was a spark but to me it didn't ring true to a relationship that two people would still hold on to 40ish years later. A lot of that probably had to do with the beginning... because of the way his family situation dominated the first few pages, it made me think that for Adam, Mary was only an escape from his "after-school drama." I think you could lose much of the bit in the beginning involving his parents and setting up his new home and introduce Adam and Mary early on so that the reader has a chance to watch their relationship grow from attraction to love.

Looking at all of that, it sounds like I didn't enjoy it but I really did. It was one of my favorites so far and very well done. I just think it needs to be tweaked a little bit, which shouldn't be difficult for you based on how well-written the rest of the script is. Well done.
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