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  Author    Memwipe - 7WC  (currently 3984 views)
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Posted: September 5th, 2010, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Memwipe - 7WC by Herman Chow (coding herman) - Thriller - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail. 115 pages - pdf, format


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Brian M
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Herman,

I’m just reading in a random order and you’re up first! Congratulations on beating the deadline... seven weeks is not as easy as it sounds so everyone deserves a pat on the back. Now, your script, I was very impressed with this, especially for something finished in 7 weeks. You’ve obviously put a lot of thought into everything here, and it shows, so well done on that. I never took notes on typos because it’s a first draft and we’re all going to have lots of them. There is quite a few here but nothing a few reads through won’t catch. This is my thoughts in no particular order, so I hope you can make some sense from them!

Definitely shades of Minority Report in the chase sequences, which is a good thing as I enjoyed that movie. Your action writing is fantastic. I sometimes struggle to find the right word to describe something but I’m guessing that’s something you rarely have trouble with. Everything read smoothly. Minor complaint would be the constant use of those damn “ing” words, slips from the present tense etc. Some people will crucify you for that, but I’m not going to be one of those people. I enjoyed your writing.

SPOILERS... PROBABLY, FROM HERE ON...

I think things could be a little clearer regarding the Memwipe company. We’re told it’s not strictly legal yet there are SUV’s with Memwipe logos speeding down every street in full view. I’m guessing it is legal to have your own memory erased if you pay for it, the illegal part is when you pay to have someone else’s memory erased without their consent. In my opinion, this should be made crystal clear. It was Kevin’s “not strictly legal” line which confused me slightly. What’s not strictly legal? What services do the company offer which are legal? Also, with the company already in the public spotlight for all the wrong reasons, I think you could show us this more. Crazy protesters, anyone?

Characters were great. I would have liked to have known more about Guy, as he is the one who helps Kevin in the end. Diane, too. The twists with her come a little too close together when they don’t need to be. Because of this, when we find out she’s not really helping Kevin by giving him the card (p82), it doesn’t have the shocking effect that you should be aiming for. To start with, I found it a little hard to believe that she would help him after her actions at the start (forcing herself on Kevin) and her jealousy of Grace, so I questioned it right away. That being said, you could still make it work. To give it more of an “Oh Sh*t” factor, you should not reveal Diane’s still working with Lambert on p84, maybe even not reveal anything about the tracking device. Wait until Diane meets up with Grace to show her the tape, then reveal she’s still working for Lambert and not helping Kevin at all. Just a suggestion.

Lambert, too. I wanted him to be real badass. What’s his motivations? At times, he seemed a tad...weak. I can’t remember which page (I should really start taking notes), but Rob basically makes a decision for him. Lambert’s the boss, he’s the man behind all this, he should be telling them what to do. Also, when Kevin escapes with Grace, he says to Lambert “please let me go”... WHAT? This is a guy who is helping people get away with murder for money and Kevin is a huge threat to him. He let’s him go? Doesn’t work for me.

I must say I enjoyed the first half of the script a little more than the last half. It might have been tiredness on my part, I’m not sure. I just felt it dragged a little towards the end of act two. I think you could set up your story quicker in the beginning. It takes nearly 30 pages to get to Kevin escaping with Grace.  But like I said, I really enjoyed the beginning so I would take that with a pinch of salt.

I’m glancing through the script now and I remembered a few things. Page 20, you have “Lambert hands him a huge present”. I think you mean Kevin. Also, page 38, Grace mentions Kevin’s name, but a few pages earlier, she didn’t even know that. He didn’t say his name to her in that time, I think.

I didn't really take to the name of the company. Memwipe just seemed so... I dunno. I thought it would grow on me as it went on but it didn't, and I can't put my finger on why. Sorry I can't be of more help here.

That’s all that’s coming to mind right now, I’ll post more if I remember more (I REALLY need to start taking notes), I’ll post here later.  

Overall, very entertaining and enjoyable, and it would make a great action flick. For 7 weeks work, you can be very VERY proud of yourself. We’re off too a great start. Top work, sir. Well done!

Brian


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Coding Herman
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Hi Brian, thank you so much for the review. This is my first feature-length script, so I really appreciate it.


Quoted from Brian M
Congratulations on beating the deadline... seven weeks is not as easy as it sounds so everyone deserves a pat on the back. Now, your script, I was very impressed with this, especially for something finished in 7 weeks. You've obviously put a lot of thought into everything here, and it shows, so well done on that.


Thanks for the compliment. Congratulations to you, too. I'll make sure I'll read yours after I finish with CM Hall's.


Quoted from Brian M
Your action writing is fantastic. I sometimes struggle to find the right word to describe something but I'm guessing that's something you rarely have trouble with. Everything read smoothly.


I was actually worried about the action sequences. Believe it or not, I have trouble writing them in a crisp, concise, and understandable way. This is because they are usually blocks of texts one after another and that might turn people off.

So this is a relief for me that you were not confused by them.


Quoted from Brian M
Minor complaint would be the constant use of those damn "ing" words, slips from the present tense etc.


Yeah, I get what you mean. I'm still learning when to use "ing" verb tenses.

Let say you have a person walking down the hall and he's checking for room numbers.
In this case, can I write: "Kevin walks down the hall, checking room numbers"? This is because he's checking room numbers while he's doing another action.

Yeah, I'm confused. Any one help?


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS...


Quoted from Brian M

I think things could be a little clearer regarding the Memwipe company. We’re told it’s not strictly legal yet there are SUV’s with Memwipe logos speeding down every street in full view. I’m guessing it is legal to have your own memory erased if you pay for it, the illegal part is when you pay to have someone else’s memory erased without their consent. In my opinion, this should be made crystal clear.


I completely agree with you. I did have reservations about how I depicted Memwipe because I never showed the legal part of the company.

Thank god you got it, but I assume a lot of others won't. I'll keep that in mind when I do my rewrites.

Maybe I can show what Memwipe usually does in the beginning? Like having a client come in and request to have her memories erased? But then that'll lengthen my Act I. That means I need to trim something out. Hm.....decision, decision.


Quoted from Brian M
Also, with the company already in the public spotlight for all the wrong reasons, I think you could show us this more. Crazy protesters, anyone?


Yup, another thing I have to agree with you. I was planning to put Memwipe in a vulnerable position so Lambert has more motivation to keep things under wraps. AND to have Guy to investigate Memwipe.

Protesters right outside the company building? Or have them charging in? Hey, that sounds good! Thanks!



FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 6th, 2010, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS


Quoted from Brian M
I would have liked to have known more about Guy, as he is the one who helps Kevin in the end.


I actually wanted to keep his real identity secretive as he's an undercover cop investigating Memwipe. Actually, I was planning to have him as an undercover reporter instead. The cop thing was a last minute change.

Maybe what you wanted to see is how Guy change from being Kevin's enemy to his friend? Uh.....I'm not too sure how I can do that without revealing Guy's real identity. Or should I just let the audience know about Guy in the middle of the script?

It'll be great if you can elaborate on this.


Quoted from Brian M
The twists with Diane come a little too close together. Because of this, when we find out she’s not really helping Kevin by giving him the card (p82), it doesn’t have the shocking effect that you should be aiming for.


You knew what I was trying to do! And it fails.

This is another decision I'll have to make, either:

1) Do what you suggested and not reveal anything at all. This will give the audience the shock effect, but will present a problem I'll elaborate in the next passage. Or...

2) Reveal everything, show that Diane called Lambert up before giving Kevin the key card. This way the audience feels concern about Kevin and worried that Diane will succeed.


Quoted from Brian M
To give it more of an “Oh Sh*t” factor, you should not reveal Diane’s still working with Lambert on p84, maybe even not reveal anything about the tracking device. Wait until Diane meets up with Grace to show her the tape, then reveal she’s still working for Lambert and not helping Kevin at all.


That's the first choice I listed above and this presents a plot hole. If I don't reveal the tracking device, then how can Diane know where Grace is?

Wait, wait. I think I know. Let Kevin think that Diane's on his side, so he'll tell her where he and Grace are. There! Problem solved.

Oh wait, but isn't that a bit contrived or unreasonable that Kevin believes Diane in such a short time?

Damn, another think I'll think about. Thanks for the suggestion though.


Quoted from Brian M
I wanted Lambert to be real badass. What’s his motivations?


This is another thing I need to work on. The balance between having a psychopathic villain and a relatable one. This time I want a relatable one but it turns out to be weak.

I actually have a backstory about Lambert, but it never made it to the page. Lambert worked in the biotech field when he was young. When he learned about memory erasing, he takes the chance to make it commercial.

At first people were very interested in getting their unhappy memories erased, but then things die down and the company loses money. So Lambert takes on clients who wants other's people memories erased.

Lambert's motivation is to keep his company running.....or you can say, money. I guess I didn't show enough of this. Or maybe I need another substantial motivation?


Quoted from Brian M
At times, he seemed a tad...weak. I can’t remember which page, but Rob basically makes a decision for him. Lambert’s the boss, he’s the man behind all this, he should be telling them what to do.


Hmm....I can't remember when Rob did that. Is it towards the beginning or end? I can't remember any instances like that. Lambert has been ordering Rob around all the time.


Quoted from Brian M
Also, when Kevin escapes with Grace, he says to Lambert “please let me go”... WHAT? This is a guy who is helping people get away with murder for money and Kevin is a huge threat to him. He let’s him go? Doesn’t work for me.


Maybe I should just get rid of that line. What I had in mind is that Kevin and Lambert had known each other for years and they developed some kind of friendship. So Kevin was begging Lambert to just let him and Grace go. They won't say anything. They'll just to someplace peaceful and quiet.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Coding Herman
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SPOILERS


Quoted from Brian M
I must say I enjoyed the first half of the script a little more than the last half. I just felt it dragged a little towards the end of act two.


I understand where you're coming from. The first half of the script is where audience gets into the world for the first time. So they'll feel fresh. By the time Act II finishes, the audience knows the world already and they're just waiting for the finale.

I guess what you really mean is: there's not enough different things going on to keep Act II energized. I was worried about that, too, because it feels like Kevin wasn't making any progress. Especially during the chase through the jam-packed street.

Speaking of Acts, I'm curious as to which event you think is the start of Act III. Is it when Kevin infiltrates Memwipe, or he getting captured in the Memory Archive?


Quoted from Brian M
I think you could set up your story quicker in the beginning. It takes nearly 30 pages to get to Kevin escaping with Grace.


There is a lot of things I need to setup in a sci-fi. How Memwipe works (that takes up a lot of space), the relationships between each characters, their motivations, the events that lead up to Act II, and other things that I need for the payoffs to work in Act III.

Most sci-fi have long Act I: Minority Report, The Island, Transformers, District 9, Avatar just to name a few.

But having said that, I know I need to work harder on combining different things into one scene. And maybe trim some of the descriptions and dialogue.


Quoted from Brian M
Page 20, you have “Lambert hands him a huge present”. I think you mean Kevin.


Uh-oh. It's not a typo, it's a plot point that was uncleared. I wanted to show that Lambert treats Michael like his godson or something. So when Kevin delivered his speech in the Body Storage Room, Lambert feels extremely guilty and is willing to surrender.

This flashback sequence is actually inserted after I finished the script. I should find another way to show how Lambert loves Michael.


Quoted from Brian M
Also, page 38, Grace mentions Kevin’s name, but a few pages earlier, she didn’t even know that. He didn’t say his name to her in that time, I think.


Thanks for pointing that out! I'll just replace it with "Hey."


Quoted from Brian M
I didn't really take to the name of the company. Memwipe just seemed so... I dunno. I thought it would grow on me as it went on but it didn't, and I can't put my finger on why. Sorry I can't be of more help here.


Do you have any suggestions? I know Memwipe is not a cool name, but I can't think of another that can explain what the company does.

You are a great help already. You let me know that the title and the company name is not that appealing.


Quoted from Brian M
Overall, very entertaining and enjoyable, and it would make a great action flick. For 7 weeks work, you can be very VERY proud of yourself. We’re off too a great start. Top work, sir. Well done!


This is a very great thing to hear, especially for my first feature script.

The first thing I want is to be entertaining. The second thing is having the audience rooting for the characters. Is Kevin relatable and likable to you? Is his inner flaw substantial enough? Did he transform in a reasonable way?

There are actually some major plot holes the size of (borrowed from Pia here) lunar craters. So I was quite relieved that you didn't really notice them. Or maybe you did but didn't say anything about them.

Anyway, thank you very very much. I really appreciate your comments and suggestions.


Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Quoted Text
At times, he seemed a tad...weak. I can’t remember which page, but Rob basically makes a decision for him. Lambert’s the boss, he’s the man behind all this, he should be telling them what to do.


Scratch that. I reread the earlier part trying to find this and it turns out I misread it and it was actually Lambert telling Rob. Sorry about that!

I wouldn't worry about the Memwipe company name. I wouldn't change anything on one person's opinion alone, especially mine! If others offer some better suggestions, then you can think about it. I don't have any suggestions... I don't think there's much wrong with it as it is... I just think that there's a GREAT name out there for this type of procedure and I just can't think of it at the moment.


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Coding Herman
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Thank you, Brian, for replying my question.

I just finished Catherine's, I'm onto yours now.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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This is certainly an interesting story with lots of energy in it.

I didn't really understand the memory device: it shows a person's memories from an outside perspective?  It seems like every time people see their own memories on a screen they see themselves in the scene as well, not as they witnessed the experience at the time it happened.  That confused me but perhaps it's explained somewhere and I missed it.

The characters are a little flat, but considering the story line and the fact that they are all subject to memory manipulation, that's understandable and maybe unavoidable.

A few other things caught my attention:  on page 79 Lambert says "He's starting to remember" -- for me that was a truly exciting moment in the story and I think it was brilliantly done.

On (or around) page 95 Kevin sees the notice that a disc slot is empty and the time it was ejected -- that, too, is wonderfully to-the-point and exciting.

On page 101 Lambert uses the stun baton on Kevin, that's another excellent scene.

For my taste there was too much time spent avoiding infrared rays, but that would likely play well visually and be much quicker than it seemed while reading it.
Anyway, good job!



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Coding Herman
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Hi Catherine,

Thank you so much for your time and comments.

As writers, we're all in a very vulnerable position when receiving feedback. Especially when I didn't sound that good when reviewing yours. So this was a huge relief for me that, from your tone, you enjoyed it.


Quoted from c m hall
I didn't really understand the memory device: it shows a person's memories from an outside perspective?  It seems like every time people see their own memories on a screen they see themselves in the scene as well, not as they witnessed the experience at the time it happened.


That's one of the things I was indecisive on. Should I make the memories first person or third person perspective? It's not like the person is holding the camera so he couldn't see himself. It's a memory. And when we remember things, do we picture ourselves in it? Sometimes we do, and sometimes we don't. Memories are such vague and interesting things.

So I finally go with the third-person perspective because it's easier to write and easier for the audience to tell what's going on.

I hope someone will weigh in. First person or third person?


Quoted from c m hall
The characters are a little flat, but considering the story line and the fact that they are all subject to memory manipulation, that's understandable and maybe unavoidable.


I was trying hard to give all of the characters something, especially Kevin. I think Kevin is the most well-rounded here, and because he's our protagonist.

I did have troubles giving three-dimensional characters to others like Diane, Rob, and Lambert. All of them were only shown when they were working. I actually have backstory and biographies for all three of them, they just don't make it on the page.

The one thing I so wanted to get in is the history between Kevin and Rob. They had something back in the days but I couldn't find a chance to squeeze that in.

Do you have any specific examples when you say the characters are flat? What do you mean?


Quoted from c m hall
Lambert says "He's starting to remember" -- for me that was a truly exciting moment in the story and I think it was brilliantly done.

Kevin sees the notice that a disc slot is empty and the time it was ejected -- that, too, is wonderfully to-the-point and exciting.

Lambert uses the stun baton on Kevin, that's another excellent scene.


Yay!! That was what I strive for. It's so happy that they payoff.

Once again, thank you very much. I really appreciate it.


Herman





FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Herman!

You met the 7WC with a thriller.

This was zippy despite the 115 pg. weight. I kept marveling at the amount of detail you put into this first draft.

The story had action instead of lots of talking heads.

The premise was clever for an amnesia piece. The title was good, tells what it’s all about. Maybe a MemWipe, Inc. would add something.

The one thing I didn’t like from a format perspective was the exclamation marks in the narrative. It’s a style thing, I know. I also noted several unnecessary “very” or “ly” or “ing” words but nothing overdone.

The characters were fairly solid as was the dialogue. Mary was good as the sweet old lady who carried the exposition and theme of the script.  Lambert and Lancaster are too similar for last names. In general a few characters would benefit from attention:

-- More info about James.

-- Guy could use a little something more – maybe a buddy type vibe when we discover he’s a good guy.  

-- And why Rob hates Kevin so much. Or at least alluded to in one of their confrontations.

-- Lambert should be a tad more desperate. Perhaps a threat from the hit and run cartel?

Gary



Major lead characters must show GRIT. No wimps! He must do something. He must have forward motion.

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Regarding "flat" characters -- the instance that comes to mind is where Kevin brings Grace to Mary's house -- Kevin seems (to me) to be amused by the mixed up interchange between Grace and Mary where one might expect him to show more compassion.

Which is fine, of course, not everyone shows emotion, even in an emotionally charged moment.

My original point being that this story, with so much memory manipulation in it, might not lend itself to subtle character development.   Which is fine.
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Herman,

As said. Would check out the first ten.

pg. 3

"Kevin takes off his suit and climbs in." - Maybe just his jacket would be better.

JAMES
I hear you, boss. But Plan A ain’t
working since.

This sounded funny to me. Maybe, "Since Plan A isn't working, obviously."

pg. 4

JAMES
Sounds like our boy’s having fun.
They just exit the back door. - reads like a typo.

pg 6
All equipments shut down with a fizzle. - "All equipment shuts down"...

I'm assuming Kevin is your protag??? Went to page 12. Is still a bit hazey at that point for me.

The attempted rape scene is the highlight for me thus far. I always feel and opener to a thriller or horror should be jarring. You just barely got me there.

As far as Memwipe inc. I think you should set this in the future a bit. Far away technology. Even farther away acceptance of it.

Not bad opener. As far as I'm going for now. reviewing features is a time consumming bastard for me. Hope this helps some.

James



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Hi Herman,

I really liked your feature. I think it's beautifully crafter and the story makes great sense. The ending is very easy to understand and I would understand it even if I haven't read it since I knew exactly how it would be past page 80 something.

Don't know about the plot holes - all of it makes sense to me.

Here are the page notes:

P1 – should be some upscale bar “men in business suits mingle”. I suggest you describe the bar as upscale then.
My feeling after reading p1,2,3 – you’ve got a very interesting story but it’s more a mystery slash comedy rather than a thriller. And maybe mystery and thriller overlap but this doesn’t send chills down my back. Which is not a mistake of course! -- just thought of letting you know.
Also, dialog on page3 is a bit farcical for me. Is it a comedy?
P9 –I like your story very much. It’s not very thrilling but I don’t mind. Memwipe Inc sheer existence is surreal but it reminds me of Dick Tracey or Mask and in these ‘unbelievable’ is totally believable. If you did not shoot for Dick Tracey – I’m sorry but that’s what I left is. Plus every woman in your story is dazzling – it’s got to be it!
P11 Diane cries out – what “hey”, “help”?
P12 – I think there’s exposition in this line: “People are snooping around, digging
stuffs up that aren’t even real.”
P13 “after the Michael’s accident” – I think it would be good if you either showed or talked about the accident extensively or brought it up later as I have no clue.
P18 Kevin asks Guy about what he did last night – why? You haven’t mentioned the night and how it’s related to Guy gone rogue/having a backstory. – kind of sudden.
P19 “and so AS everything else” – so IS maybe.
P22 – “she’s very weak right now” – I thought she was dying.
P24 – they are planning to ‘wreck Kevin’s brain” – I know where it’s going, maybe I should know – something to consider.
P31 – A tracking device – you tell us but how will the audience know…
Great first act, I think!
P32 – typo “honkS”
P33 “I’m sorry mister. I don’t even know you” – this reads forced. Plus, she was told she’s been married to a guy.
P33 She calls him “trustworthy criminal” – is she joking? Feels forced again.
P34 “he returns to his frantic search” – he just shoved away the mess, you did not mention he started the search.
P35 – maybe you could describe what he does instead of just saying “he searches/continues searching”.
P36 when he passes her the projector – did he grab it/have it in his hands?
P38 – “his troop is startled” – alert maybe (it’s just why should they be startled, a bit cartoonish visual)
P38 Kevin and Grace go to that same sedan? If Rob cared to puncture the tires why didn’t he leave half of his people next to the car.  I don’t think they’d go back to the car at all. And I wonder why “Guy is oblivious to what’s going on” – is this a set-up?
P39 Kevin drags the Guy out – a bit too easy. Guy came with the troops, he’s not a sissy, I’d think.
P41 I think I love it that he’s going to teach her to remember. This is so sensual.
P44 – “slightly nods”
P49 – Lambert talks about “his people” – this is a bit farcical again. You’re pulling away from the main character- why not to just show Lambert’s plan and get back to Kevin… Or maybe it’s just me, I like staying with the main character (in thrillers).
P49 I’m a little confused – Lambert is not against Kevin?
P52 – “she barely smileS”
P66 “don’t let anyone else see (no s) it”
P72 I don’t understand this “Like why it’s broken. And its purpose.” – I read on and now I do but I think the dialog on this page needs to be rewritten.
P82 – something is wrong with this sentence “but I’ve got you access”
P87 – Lambert asking for the cell phone – is he suspicious of Guy? How did he find out?
I’m on page 92 and I just remembered Pearson. Why Kevin gave him the disk with the memory? I see where it’s going (and it’s good I think at this point to know) but I think that you could do without Pearson at all. Plus now Kevin needs another disk and it’s too many he had to find/watch in such a short period of time. Also if it’s just like watching a tape he could have told Grace all of it. I think you could have some kind of device which inserts memories back into brains. That would be faster and more believable I think. Or maybe Pearson would make sense at the end but you stayed away from him for too long.
P95,96,97 – I really like overlapping sequence of scenes.
P105 What’s Guy’s motivation, why he keeps helping them – did I miss it?
P111 “He suddenly hearS whimpers”.
P114 I see Guy’s motivation! – nice work.

I do think that you can get rid of Pearson and the story would be cleaner. --might be just me.

I think your rewrite won't be a grand one, just a patch work here and there!
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Coding Herman
Posted: September 8th, 2010, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, lots to response. Thanks for the read, everyone.

First up, Gary.


Quoted from grademan
This was zippy despite the 115 pg. weight. I kept marveling at the amount of detail you put into this first draft. The story had action instead of lots of talking heads.


When I looked at all the other 7WC scripts, almost all of them are between 90-100 pages long. I was worried that mine would be too long. So this is another relief that you didn't feel too much of a chore reading it.


Quoted from grademan
The premise was clever for an amnesia piece. The title was good, tells what it’s all about. Maybe a MemWipe, Inc. would add something.


Haha....Hey, Brian, are you reading this? Right now I have two conflicting opinions about the title. Good suggestion on MemWipe, Inc. though. I liked it more than just Memwipe.


Quoted from grademan
I also noted several unnecessary “very” or “ly” or “ing” words but nothing overdone.


Yeah, I don't know why, but sometimes the sentence reads more "vividly" when I add adverbs such as quickly. The "ing" thing is another debate. I see them in spec scripts all the time. So I'm not too sure when I can use them and when I cannot.

Can anyone shed some light on this issue?


Quoted from grademan
The characters were fairly solid as was the dialogue. Mary was good as the sweet old lady who carried the exposition and theme of the script.
  

Whew! I thought my dialogue was terrible. Sometimes I was trying too hard to add humor into the scenes and it just came off bad.

Of all the characters, I actually loved Mary the most. She's the most memorable one although her screen time isn't that much. I had fun writing her part.


Quoted from grademan
Lambert and Lancaster are too similar for last names.


Finally, one person mentioned this. I was actually waiting for this comment.

I picked Kevin and Lambert to have similar last names in the first place. What I had planned is that Kevin would discover Lambert's disc in the archive as well. And for that to happen, their last names have to be close in alphabetical order.

However, I shoved that idea away at the last minute because I thought, "If Lambert's the boss, he wouldn't leave his own memory in the archive." So that's why, and then I had no time to change Kevin's last name to something else. I'll change it in the rewrites.


Quoted from grademan
In general a few characters would benefit from attention:
-- More info about James.
-- Guy could use a little something more – maybe a buddy type vibe.  
-- And why Rob hates Kevin so much.
-- Lambert should be a tad more desperate.


Are you reading my mind, Gary? These are all of the things I had thought about when I was writing it, and I had all those information in their backstory, they just didn't make it to the page.

James is a little bit different because he was a last minute addition. I was going to Guy showing the video to Kevin, but since Guy is already busted, I have to introduce James back in. So that was something I need to tweak.

Can you explain about that buddy vibe when we discover Guy's a good guy? The thing is, I wanna keep Guy's real identity a secret. But I guess that makes no difference. So can you elaborate what you mean by Guy could use a little more?

Rob hating Kevin so much is in the backstory I didn't put in this story. Damn, I really need to think about how I'd sneak in a scene that they have some histories together.  I did, however, allude to it via Lambert's speech in the finale scene where Lambert told Kevin that he treated Rob badly when Rob was under Kevin's team. I guess that wasn't powerful enough.

I agree with you about Lambert, and you're not the only one who's saying that. At first I actually have Lambert to be the driver who killed Michael, but then I think, won't that be too much of a coincidence? Maybe I should have Lambert instead of David who killed that little girl and Pearson witnessed it? I don't know, what do you think?

Thank you so much, Gary. I really appreciated it.

I also admire your objectivity in your review. Whether you hated it, loved it, or just felt okay with it, your tone is almost the same! Although I do wish someone like Jeff who'll let out his emotion in full force...LOL.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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