Ah, the extended flashback sequence. Nice to see some different narrative devices being used.

Meeting the competition criteria: romance? I think so. The drama, too. Don't know about the comedy...Julie, such an obviously comic character, actually felt out of place in this. I think it was pretty on the money, though, and the song was used well
Characters: already expressed my problem with Julie. She seemed larger than life in a generally muted script. Adam I liked, particularly the brief screen-time of older Adam
Dialogue - nothing I can particularly remember being exceptional, but also nothing that jarred or felt out of place. Mary and Adam's opening exchange reminded me of the last verse of 'Teenage Dirtbag'...not that's necessarily good or bad
Story: Someone said that they didn't buy that Adam would remember this encounter 40 years on...my counter to that would be take the example of 'The Truman Show'. Truman's brief encounter with Lauren drives his actions all those years later, and I bought this the same way I bought that. Childhood romances, especially ones that ended before they could really become something, just as this did, really can linger, So yeah, not only did I accept that, I liked it. I had a problem with the ending, however. Packing Mary off to a convent felt like a bit of a convenient way to tie things up. I botice someone said you could lose the bit where Adam arrives at his mum's...trouble is, you put all your comedy eggs in that basket, so without that you'd hardly have any comedy at all. I liked the middle and the bookend parts in the present day, but felt the beginning and end of the flashback were the low points
Writing/format: all pretty good, particularly the very opening, which somehow I liked. However, there's one bit I'm going to pick out. It'll seem bizarre, but it's the bit about Mary's brief nudity. Obviously this is a moment that'll have a tremendous impression on young Adam, but I feel the way you wrote it really muted it's effect. Here's what you wrote:

He holds out the Kiss shirt. She smiles, rips off her shirt, she’s braless, and puts the Kiss shirt on. Adam is shocked. She tosses her shirt into the bushes.

I just feel that you failed to capture the moment fully. Funny thing to be frustrated by, I know, but it was a problem for me.

I thought I read this one when it was first posted but I must have missed it. I really liked it though, thought it was a good story. I didn't really get into it though until Adam got to his mother's house and that's where the story really took off.

Had the romance and drama angles covered, but I didn't see any comedy. One thing that has become apparent from reading all these scripts is how tough it is to fit comey, drama and romance into a twelve page script. I don't know if anybody has been able to achieve the right balance just yet.

There were a few descriptions in there that wouldn't necessarily be filmable, such as the people looking like an older version of them I think it was. But overall this was a good entry, one of the better ones I think.

Cheers,
Tim.

Very touching story here... I've always been a fan of "first Love"... I don't think you ever love anyone else as much. Why?? Tons of reasons, but mainly they happen when you're young and oblivious... No financial worries, no kids, no jobs or time schedules to get in your way.... just go to school, and fall in love..

That's why i always balked back at my parents when they'd tell me "You don't have a clue what love is"...

Contrary, I believe now more then i did at the time, I truly did. So I can relate to this guy writing a song about his first love...

Their romance wan't fleshed out too much, but i think that's what makes it work. A kiss would've been nice..

There was nothing in here i would consider comedy, which still IMO was a requirement for the OWC.

The song did reflect your story well here.

The ending was i nice touch...

Very solid work, got to this after i'd already made my nominations... but this would've been a consideration....

James

Thanks so much for all of the constructive feedback on my first OWC.  I had a blast and the lyrics were a HUGE challenge!!  I also really enjoyed reading the work from this talented bunch of writers here!

I just wanted to offer some back story on what I came up with.  I live in Jersey but have a huge Irish family in Mass.  I love the Cape.  That Kiss concert was real, the date and everything.  I was 11 years old and my older cousins went. They had an extra ticket and my Mom wouldn't let me go.  I don't think I ever got over that.  LOL.  

I was obviously too vague with Mary's character.  She was someone I actually knew.  She came from a very strict Irich/Catholic family and she got in trouble for smoking pot and her mom confined her to the yard for a whole summer then shipped her off to a convent and she did end up becomming a Nun.  It's one of those cases where it seems unlikely that it would happen although it actually did.  

I can't wait for the next OWC!