Piano Tears by Lew Sherwood (big lew) (Robin "the Newb" Locksley)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A film director has a chance meeting with a woman in airport concourse while she is playing a melody on a deserted piano- both with broken hearts. Without giving him her name, she rushes off to her flight. Against all odds he is obsessed to find her. - pdf, format 8)

No surprise as to who wrote this one. You have two cover pages for some reason...

"proctologists to some of the biggest assholes" - now there's a funny line

The formatting of your phone call doesn't look right but I'm no expert either so hopefully someone else can comment on that.

The story itself is alright but suffers due to some dull dialogue (I don't really get a sense as to who these people are... all we get is a caricature of some Hollywood mogul, a woman he falls in love with who does nothing out of the ordinary and has no chemistry with the man, and a few other people) and the descriptions.

You've got to find a way to trim down your descriptions. You go into so much detail on things that don't really matter ("a Hollywood Poster Boy: $10 jeans, thrift shop work shirt over a $100 T-shirt, $300 unlaced sneakers"), things that can't be filmed ("TONY, looks 40, thinks 20"), and verbs that should be passive ("Leg
bouncing. Multi-tasking. E-mailing on his Mac. Abusing his iPhone" could be "His leg bounces as he multi-tasks: he sends an e-mail on his Mac while he abuses his iPhone.") And all of those are just from the very first paragraph of your script.

The script's not terrible, it just reads like something written by someone who isn't very experienced writing screenplays and we've all been there. It's up to you to decide whether you want to learn to fix these things and improve. Good luck!

Congratulations. This is the first of the OWC scripts I have read that actually attempts to integrate the music into the plot as I understand the whole premise was about!

It also attempts to be romantic in a traditional sense, and has a proper story - a beginning, a middle and an end! It wasn't particularly funny, but you have hit more targets than any of the others I have so far read.

I would say that some of the descriptions and some of the dialogue is overly complicated. Sometimes the turns of phrase work, sometimes not. You probably need to start to recognise the difference between those that might look clever when you're writing them (but read and would sound terrible as dialogue), and those that do add something to the script.

"TONY, looks 40, thinks 20 - a Hollywood Poster Boy: $10
jeans, thrift shop work shirt over a $100 T-shirt, $300
unlaced sneakers" for example could just as easily be:
"TONY, youthful 40s, Hollywood Poster Boy - thrift shop shirt, $300 sneakers".

I didn't have any particular qualms about the formatting, and such like, beyond this. I would say that I did wonder how Tony knew that the melody was the woman's - it could just as easily have been a favourite tune of hers! She did not actually say that she created it.

Personally, didn't think it was a bad effort at all.

PIANO TEARS

Pros – Neat premise. Movie and rock stars!

Cons – Distracted by long descriptions of characters, camera angles, time cuts, flashbacks fast forward, then normal speed, phone intercuts. Too much happens in short bursts. A few nits: Dialogue does not need underlining and italics for emphasis and phone numbers aren’t needed.

Comedy – Amused with dialogue re: celebrities but nothing memorable except maybe “Mr. Sting.”

Romance – A thirty second interval and Tony’s in love? If I suspend belief for a bit. Maybe. Tony acts obsessed rather than love smitten.

Lyrics – Short segment on the piano. Provides for search for mystery woman. Sting is brought in.

Writer – Great idea. You were the only one to literally work the director looking for a song angle into your story. Great effort for OWC. My biggest hurdle was the short bursts of the scenes and camera actions. Some may like it but I didn’t.

Criteria – Mmmm. Is it romance or obsessive? Drama good with some comedy.

Gary

I thought this was great.

Felt like a genuine American style Romantic Comedy. It was really good and worked for me.

The only thing I thought really needed strenghtening was the connection between the two when they first meet. That scene needs to be ten times more powerful. Something great has to happen there, a real meeting of the minds.

Other than that I thought it really hit the spot. Got the whole shebang in there in just the 12 pages.

I'm glad this is good because the fact you thought no-one was following the rules seemed to upset you.

I really liked this, had to read your opening paragraph twice, trying to figure out what Tony was doing. Was a little clunky IMO.

I loved the way he found her, and interesting twist i didn't see coming.

The theme was in the music so nice work there.

My only problem, would be the moment they met would have to be so much more to make Tony look sane for doing this. An easy fix for you after the OWC, you Need more pages.

There was some s little comical banter between Tony and other characters, could've been better, but I think you were going for a nice guy here, not the over the top "Arie" Producer. So, there wasn't much comedy, but it would have taken from your script. I think some things could've been tightened up early on to give some more room...

Nice enter, i really liked this one.

James

Wow, this is a tale of two halves!   I didn't like the first few scenes at all- chunky action paragraphs, cliched Xmas stuff...

THEN...when Tony rang Sting, it became great! I laughed at the image of Sting reclining in his Tuscan villa making music!
And it just got better.
It incorporated all the criteria for the challenge, and in the end really owrked.

This would be my fave except for the opening scenes. Well done!

There are other really good scripts, but this one hits all the right notes... It's perfect. The writing, the characters, the pacing and pay off. It's all there.

Loved it! It makes me hang my head when I think of my own script. LaWl.

Have you thought about expanding it into a feature?



  

Hey Big Lew, welcome aboard!

This is well written, well thought out, well executed, and it's obvious you know what you're doing.  I'd even guess you are already in the industry.

I have a few problems with your writing, and want to point them out.  A few instances of large blocks of prose, that should be cut down to no more than 4 lines...it just looks so much better and makes the read easier.  No reason not to do this.  Lots of passive verbiage, also, that I don't personally like, and is so easy to fix.  A number of passive sentences that aren't really sentences at all...just "shots".  Way too much direction for me as well, for a spec script.  You have 2 title pages, and your page numbering is off, which doesn't start things off the way you want.  Finally, your prose has a very static, hectic feel to it, which I personally don't like.  Otherwise, you are obviously a solid writer and know your way around.

Story is good, and I always appreciate when "real life" characters are brought into a story.  You met all the requirements, and everything was beleivable, and even moving, I'd have to say.

Your music and lyrics were defintely prominent, but the lyrics themselves weren't too good, IMO, and came across as a weak point, especially assuming that Sting wrote them.

All in all though, great effort and solid entry here.  Well done!

This was a great piece.

Character descriptions could be cut down by a lot.

Like your overall style of writing, especially in the action. Except for lines like: "Her world has changed forever."

There are also lot's of shots in there. Maybe you are a director as well as a writer?

Overall funny, romantic and with a great storyline. Good stuff.

I liked this OK. Cute romantic comedy idea, but the formatting is a problem, especially in the show me, don't tell me arena. He's a square peg in a round hole. How? By doing everything that every other suit does in an airport?
Then there's the abundance of the -ing rule. He's bouncing. He's multi-tasking. He's emailing. He's abusing his I-phone. Simplicity is your friend.

The next scene is INT: Reception Area- same. Diasy is in the first class lounge at Heathrow Airport? When is DAISY ever properly introduced as a character? Tillie? The "Spanish" Maid?

Camera directions. Not so much in a spec script. Look at some of the other entries. Do they include 'em? Nah. Don't need to, unless your shooting yourself. Don't want to direct the director and waste any more precious white space than you need to. Suggest looking at "Terms of Endowment"  (not written by me) as a fine example of spec script formatting.

Then there are the wrylies.  (Eloquent, theatrical voice), (the long pause), (the much longer pause, an eternity)- all in one block of dialogue? Bit over done. Suggest breaking this up by including some action in the pauses. Have her DO something, even as simple as biting her lip or twirling her hair-somthing to physically and visually indicate that this phone call is going horribly, as opposed to just watching her hang on the phone.

And so it goes for the formatting. Story wise, I didn't really feel that much for Tony. He's a rich, pompous frat boy whom I don't really care if he finds true love or not. Sure, he recruits Sting and Brad Pitt to help him find his girl. Good for him. Can't relate. Now, had he been mopping the floors at the airport, heard the song and got the eyes of the world on his YouTube because of his character, his convictions and the magic of love (not his connections)  now that's a guy I might be rooting for.

Yeah, it fit the challenge, but the technical mistakes are too heavy to overlook.

Emotionally alone
A gentle soul suffering
She needs his humour

Forgive me if I'm repeating what others have said, but quite a lot of unfilmables in here that really are emotions that should be revealed through action/mannerisms, gestures etc.

I think a few 'asides' actually enhance a Romantic Dramedy/Comedy type script. You're maybe verging on a few too many. Likewise with passive verbs - I've relaxed my opinion on these but I still do think you have a few too many to the point that it 'slows' things down.

Caroler (one L, not two) - at least on my side of the world. Coupla other typos - could be due the rushed deadline.

"Somebody broke my heart, and this is what
came out."
You almost got me with this line ... almost. Needs refining I think.
And I needed more ‘time’ and dialogue between the two for me to really buy into the instant love match.

I balked at her touching his face (it read too familiar for a first meeting)having said that I would have bought it from his ego-driven character.

I really liked the inventive structure of your script – rewinds etc.
Some nice humourous touches.

And, at risk of repeating myself this feels like a much bigger story packed into the allowed page count.
Use of the anchor woman – to relay exposition - felt this dialogue needed refining a bit too. Ditto with Tony's dialogue on the TV being interviewed.

You want to get a cup of coffee? After she says her name. I think you need a 'pickup' piece of dialogue on the 'coffee' thing earlier when he handed her the Starbucks napkins.

Overall Lew, this was really enjoyable, a 'full story' packed into this page count and with a rewrite could be really something. :)

I really liked the title, but I don't feel that the story works with the title.

It doesn't have the "heart-strings-being-pulled thing happening for me" that happened in Autumn Walk.

I feel that this read was more "directive" and that took away from its feel.

Maybe that's something we need to discuss here on Simply.

I think you can write as clunkily as you want if YOU are the director and YOU have a vision. In that way, I think:

WRITING IS JUST A THOROUGHFARE  ...

and you can quote me on that one.

It's a road and it's not the destination. We, as writers, are constantly
redefining ourselves. You can see it int the structural changes in language.

This is something I'm trying to work on myself in clarifying.

I am not a "filmer" in any way shape or form. I work with words and emotion. From there, I want to hand it over to the experts in the field that deal with moving images. You know...

Seriously, you know what? I think it was Dec who said to me:

I'm not sure why you want to write scripts. The media seems too restrictive for your tastes. You're constantly trying to break out of the confines of it.

So I'll add here that you've gotta write what moves you.

But also, within some kind of parameters.  And EVEN if you're breaking out
of  typical parameters, then a person's still gotta BE THE ONE TO  

DEFINE NEW ONES--  NEW PARAMETERS OF THE CRAFT

As did Monet. And I'll start a thread on this later.

I wish I had more time to spend with your script. I'm getting tired.
I'm very close to the end of the reads right now and I find it
both enjoying and at the same time taxing in a psychic sense.

If I can, I'll try and come back to this one again later.

Sandra

brad pitt...sting...that's a huge budget for a for a short...anyway, cute story...bit of a stretch having a piano bar at an airport terminal, but i guess this is fiction...would have read easier without all the camera angle/pov slugs...some of the description could be tightened...possibilities on a re-write...thanks...

I went back and did another read of this one.

Here:

>MAN (PHONE/OVER)
(Eloquent, theatrical voice)
I’m not going to be able to meet your
flight. I’m very, very sorry --
(Long pause)
Shelia and I have been talking while
you’ve been away --
(Much longer pause, an
eternity)
--and we’re going to give it another try,
because of the girls. You’ve been fab -

Just something like:

Sorry our relationship is--
It's over. You've been fab-

I didn't think you needed to put that in.

For this particular script, consider what
you absolutely need to give weight to.

It felt to me that you were working hard
to give Tony all of this "big and happening"
vibe with his dialogue, but I feel it was
misplaced. Like here:

>TONY
Greg, Tony, sorry I missed you. Hey, man,
we have a production meeting in two days,
the Brad Pitt project lives.
(Beat)
Unfuckingbelievable. I know this was iffy
for a long time, but Rick and I gotta
have your art director ass on this. Call
me. I don’t want to hear you’re on
another job. Don’t even think of saying
no.
(Pause)
Love ‘ya man. Later.

I think I would rather like to see this story
have its beginnings with Tony and his
daughter and not over the phone, but
in person.

You know, I thought that Tony was married
in the beginning because he was talking
to his little girl.

Why would you write him in as buying
a purple elf's hat FOR HIS DAUGHTER
and then giving it away.

Maybe you should have his daughter be
with him at the airport and SHE gives it
away.

That would be mighty big of the child, I think.

And it would give her a reason to live within the script.

I also think that this story is very much like SAVED
in that we have "The Mysterious Disappearing Woman"
syndrome, which I think I'll now term:

The Cinderella Syndrome

So really, what this story is about is:

A mysterious woman that Tony meets and subsequently
rushes to catch her flight.

Tony tries to find her using youtube.

I think you should delve deeper into the character's
motivations. Yes this is only a short, but I think
that if you haven't you should read

Autumn Walk

And see what the writer does in tone and simplicity.

I understand now why I was having trouble understanding this
when I was burnt out from a lot of reads.

After going back and seriously taking a lot of time on it,
it's clear to me that this script is not worked enough.

The potential is definitely here, but where you're
putting weight in the script, does not, IMO, add to
it.

Who is our protagonist, Tony? Besides a rich dude
with all the connections? That's what I wanna know.

And I wanna know about the Mystery piano girl.

I really hope that this helps. You have certainly helped me.

Sandra

While commercial, this one just didn't work for me. Hard to put my finger on it, but maybe it's all the name dropping, the fame.

The tears at the piano, I didn't think that she would do such a thing, and the line "someone broke my heart and this is what came out" wasn't ringing bells for me, either.

I did like the bar scene with her and the patrons.

Quoted from cloroxmartini While commercial, this one just didn't work for me. Hard to put my finger on it, but maybe it's all the name dropping, the fame. The tears at the piano, I didn't think that she would do such a thing, and the line "someone broke my heart and this is what came out" wasn't ringing bells for me, either. I did like the bar scene with her and the patrons.

My post was long, but essentially, you nailed it, very pro-like:

That's what I was picking up with the dialogue also and why I wrote what I did in my review.

It's good dialogue, but it doesn't fit here. It's just misplaced weight within the script. I think we all do that. I know I do that myself. I don't mean to, but I do....

And until I can assimilate it completely, through many writes and rewrites I will faulter, UNTIL! ...

Until that blessed day when I can feel it so internally, that it's like touch typing. At that point, the writer JUST KNOWS.

Sandra

This is an ambitious story, with a clever central idea (the melody on the voice mail) and a lot of action squeezed into twelve pages to bring the two protagonists together at the end. I thought the initial attraction was too sudden and unmotivated. It wasn't clear at the time that Tony needed someone in his life. In fact, he seemed to have everything going for him and a relationship would be a drawback. I also thought we needed more on the woman. We have no idea of her personality, just of her circumstances. These two things apart, I thought this complex story was carefully thought out and well written. A bit of romance, a touch of comedy, and relevant lyrics make this a contender. Plus I'd award extra points for bringing it up to date with YouTube.

I liked the idea here but I think for a story like this there needs to be more depth and emotion.  I felt like we were just watching Tony and never did really connect to him. We see his manic work side but we don't really see a warm side, even when he's talking to his daughter.  If you show his cold, Hollywood side melting when he talks to his daughter then show that same melty side when he sees the woman at the piano then he wouldn't seem so one dimensional.  

"She took his heart with her." - I think they need more interaction for that to be believable.  The way you painted Tony, I'm not sure he'd fall like that.  Especially because nothing really happened.  I didn't see any sparks between them.

The action/narrative felt heavy and it slowed the story down a bit.  And the last scene with the TV and the You Tube video...just seemed a bit too much.  Too convenient that she'd be standing in a bar at the same time the segment was being shown.  Again, if they had more interaction maybe he could have gotten some kind of clue out of her on either the company she worked for or a place she hangs out or was going to, so he could have a more focused search making it more believable when she sees the video.  Just a suggestion.

Good luck with this.  I hope you give it some TLC, it's got potential.  :)

Quoted from wannabe I liked the idea here but I think for a story like this there needs to be more depth and emotion.  I felt like we were just watching Tony and never did really connect to him. We see his manic work side but we don't really see a warm side, even when he's talking to his daughter.  If you show his cold, Hollywood side melting when he talks to his daughter then show that same melty side when he sees the woman at the piano then he wouldn't seem so one dimensional.   "She took his heart with her." - I think they need more interaction for that to be believable.  The way you painted Tony, I'm not sure he'd fall like that.  Especially because nothing really happened.  I didn't see any sparks between them. The action/narrative felt heavy and it slowed the story down a bit.  And the last scene with the TV and the You Tube video...just seemed a bit too much.  Too convenient that she'd be standing in a bar at the same time the segment was being shown.  Again, if they had more interaction maybe he could have gotten some kind of clue out of her on either the company she worked for or a place she hangs out or was going to, so he could have a more focused search making it more believable when she sees the video.  Just a suggestion. Good luck with this.  I hope you give it some TLC, it's got potential.  :)

You are correct and I think we're all learning here.

We need to really ask ourselves just why our characters are acting the way they do. What are their motivations? Their conflicts within themselves and others. Yada-yada.

Good job wannabe!

Sandra