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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Dead!
Posted by: Don, September 17th, 2009, 9:47pm
Dead! by Daniel Chong (chongaman) - Short, Thriller - Two rednecks, "Jammin" and Nate are sent on a mission to gather guns and ammo for a revolt against a zombie apocalypse, but when things go unplanned, the two are forced to shoot their way out to safety.  10 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Niles_Crane (Guest), September 18th, 2009, 12:47am; Reply: 1
If there is one sentence designed to make you feel really depressed about a script it is "Zombie Apocalypse"!

Having said that, this wasn't too bad. It wasn't that good either, it was just OK. I have read a lot worse in this genre. The story was fine as far as it went - the fact that the twist was a bit original (well, unless someone corrects me and it turns out to have been used in a Romero film!) helped a lot.

A couple of little bits and pieces I'd suggest if you're bothered -

No need to describe everything the pair do individually ("They both have Southern Accents", or "They get out of the car" would do fine I think).

And No need to tell us that "Jammin" is short for Benjamin - it is never referred to in dialogue, so does it matter?

Personally, I'd not mention zombies before they appear - it would give the first sighting more impact.

I'd also make a bit more of Jammin's actions - while a nice twist, it does seem treated a bit throwaway here.

And I would suggest that a better ending than this, after what Jammin has done, would be for him to escape but be bitten, and end up as a zombie himself, maybe being shot by a former comrade who comes out with some of the same kind of dialogue about how easy it is to kill zombies.


Posted by: malcolm3, September 20th, 2009, 2:36pm; Reply: 2
If you're going to go down the road of yet another zombie piece, you need a new angle, or a different perspective. There's nothing new in this. It's written ok. But that's about all.

For a couple of lines, I thought the zombies were going to try and communicate.
I know that's been done as well, but you get the idea.

Twist it, turn it, surprise us!

What if the mindless, flesh eating stage was just transitional. Then something else happens.

Keep shootin.
Posted by: Chongamon, September 20th, 2009, 5:45pm; Reply: 3
Hey guys thanks for all your replies and feedback. This was actually something that I wrote in Junior year that was suppose to be a feature film, but never could find the time to finish it with sats and college applications. The orgininal idea was to be based on the character "Bill" this short was something i that i thought was funny. I'll try and think about a different approach to tackling the whole zombie genre. Thanks


- Chong
Posted by: jackx, September 24th, 2009, 8:59am; Reply: 4
Entertaining enough, though I agree its not too original.  Specially with that "Zombie Land" or whatever which seems like itll be in the same irreverent tone.
Lots of typos, some that I remember:
I believe ‘30 out 6’ should be ‘30 aught 6.’  Since its aught as in naught.  Though it still looks odd.
Inferred should be infrared
Words like cause and cmon need apostrophes
P9 led is lead
I have to agree with most of what the others said too, especially about giving away the zombies.  In fact I'd take them out of the logline too, so people arent quite sure what to expect.  I do like the title though, usually one word dramatic titles come across as pretentious or lame, but with the exclamation point it works for the story.
Well done though, I did enjoy reading it.  
Posted by: Chongamon, September 27th, 2009, 8:44am; Reply: 5
Thanks for the comments, jack I really appreciate them. Make sure to look out for my first feature called, "200 Names of Marijuana", hopefully i'll be up in the next 2 weeks.
Posted by: Coleman, September 30th, 2009, 12:10am; Reply: 6
I got interested and you ended so abruptly. Awe, man, you tease. Joking. I liked it but make sure in your descriptions you aren't telling what a character is doing and instead describe the visual motions or action of it.

thanks for the read,
~Brandon
Posted by: Andrew, October 1st, 2009, 3:27pm; Reply: 7
Daniel,

For what it is, this is a good little read.  The writing felt about right, but towards the end you - as Coleman alluded to - started 'telling, and not showing'.

The whole Zombie thing sits well in my eclectic movie taste, and the opening to "28 Weeks Later" still ranks as the best of anything I have seen in the genre.

Anyway, I really liked what you did with Jammin wasting Nate, especially after Nate had been built up as the more intelligent of the two, so a nice slice of Darwinian action.

As a showcase of what you can do, this was a good pointer.

Be interested to see more work from you.

Andrew
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