Hard Case by Jackx - Short, Action/Adventure - When a mysterious case is stolen everyone in the city begins to look for it.  Three separate story lines intertwine Crime Bosses, Thieves and Police as each sets on a bloody path to recover the Hard Case. 59 pages - pdf, format 8)

Jackx,

I recognized your name so I gave this a read. My first impresson: Solid effort.

Good:
--More action than dialog
--Logically plotted.
--Good visuals.

Improve:
--The similar character naming was confusing: Carter & Carl, Johnson & Jensen.
--The cops were identified as being corrupt in the description without showing us.
--Your action paragraphs were mostly the same length making for a monotonous pace.
--You have a tendency to put in unfilmmable or asides and border on overuse of "is"
--Your characters need a bit more depth. Johnson and Jensen were not different enough to have two separate characters. Dialog could help with separating characters.

Overall, a solid effort to build on, one that would benefit from some tightening.

Gary

Hi Jackx - finally, as promised...

Page 1

1. Nice little opening scene. Set the piece up well. Might suggest you could do INT/EXT ARMOURED CAR, which would allow you to keep the exterior shots while also going inside the cab to introduce the guards.

2. I always think it best to name all characters who have lines - even if it's only SMITH and JONES - but even if you don't, I would suggest that you don't use numbers on there own as you do here - GUARD #1 or GUARD ONE is better as a lone number can cause confusion.

Page 2

3. Not sure if the guard would recover that quickly from being tasered - so Carter could just shove him out straight away without needing him to punch him. Also, while I realise that Carter is a "badass", having him drop the unfortunate man into traffic just makes him look like a bastard, and if you want to have him as a central character the audience will need to find something to identify with - casual murder (or at least GBH) not likely to be the element most likely to appeal!

Page 4

4. I am not absolutely convinced that an armoured truck like this would have all these jewels in it - from the movies I would expect it to carry cash to and from stores and banks, rather than diamonds. This scene strikes me as more of the kind of thing you would normally see when criminals break into the safe deposit boxes of banks!

Page 5

5. I was just wondering if you are at all familiar with the film "Point Blank"? This begins with a robbery in which one of criminals is shot and sets out to get revenge and his money back. The central character is called Walker - and as played by Lee Marvin, is very definitely a "badass". When Carter gives us his VO this film came to mind straight away.

6. Nice descriptions of the two cops, but I would agree with Gary's comments that the names are too similar, they'll confuse both the reader and the viewer!

Page 7

7. "Provocatively dressed Gold Diggers" - great description, probably the best I have ever read for this particular type of character!

8. Not an expert (I can assure you) on strip joints, but from films I have always got the impression they tended never to close! So the idea of it being empty seemed out of place here.

Page 8

9. You set up the phone conversation exactly as it should be done - but I do not think you need "into the phone" every time like this as it is obvious from the scene.

Page 9

10. Doubt Carter would need bolt cutters for a door chain - a bit of shoulder power would do it in all likelihood!

Page 12

11. Good scene in the house with Carter and Stutz, but in contrast to the first scenes where Carter pushes the unfortunate security guard into traffic, he here just wounds the wife and then wastes bullets on shooting the gun away. I'd say that if he is cold blooded enough to do the former, he'd shoot to kill here, or at least shoot her again when she tries to get the gun.

Page 14

12. You need to make it a bit more clear that the barber shop gangsters are African-American - the mention of an Afro is not necessarily conclusive (whites can have this style as well after all).

13. If i may suggest a line here? "Haven't you heard? Ain't no racism in America anymore - we've got a black President now" Sorry, just a thought.

Page 16

14. Wouldn't Carter have checked the case at the house? Having him leave it like this makes him look a bit foolish, and going back to the house rather pointless - even if Stutz and his wife not been taken hostage, they would surely have fled by then?

Page 17

15. Given how violent these men are, would Tripp and Carl have any qualms about killing everyone, rather than just leaving them tied up at the house?

Page 19

16. Liked the double bluff here - we would think that Carter is trying to misdirect the goons, and then the FBI turn up!

17. Karen seems to change character pretty quickly - when first seen she can barely hold her gun, now she is blasting Feds with a shotgun. I'd also suggest she'd never make it to a gun case in the middle of a shoot out!

Page 20

18. If it is afternoon, why does Carter have to switch on the lights?

Page 21

19. Not quite sure why the cops think that Carter would help them out - he could just clear out and they'd never see him again. Indeed, as Carter is armed at this point, why not just kill them?

Page 23

20, It strikes me that Marigold is not necessarily the most convincing name for a king-pin! In the UK, apart from the flower, it is also a type of rubber glove!

21. Where did the kitchen come from? It's mentioned without any indication of how we got there. The layout of the office needs to be clearer.

Page 24

22. Would Johnny know what was in the case? He doesn't seem to be anything other than a go-between, not a big wheel.

23. The reveal about the papers rather raises the question as to why the Feds transported these vital documents in an ordinary armoured car?

24. Carter's VO in his apartment here is a bit clunky.

Quoted from Hard Case did i really believe I could return to my life of petty crime after this?

There is also no need for a paragraph break in it, as this is a screenplay not a prose and you can write the whole thing as one block.

Page 25

25. The hotel where Marigold is staying changes between the two scenes.

Page 26

26. If they lead him outside, then obviously it's a new scene and needs indicating as such - unless we see it from the window?

27. I do feel that some momentum has been lost in the story - Carter sets out as a man on a mission, but keeps going back to his apartment, running into cops. He doesn't appear to be the brightest bulb in the box, but this structure just slows everything down. I think you could happily lose the entire apartment scenes and tighten things up. In fact, you could lose the cops altogether.

Page 28

28. Good scene in elevator - not only the twist, which I must say did not occur to me, but also with the little old lady providing some light relief.

29. POV is out of place here - it refers to a character's point of view, and assuming you don't mean that Carl watches Johnson walk away then all you need to say is "we follow Johnson as he approaches the elevator".

30. Why is it OK to kill the Janitor but not the little old lady?

31. Why are we back in the lobby?

32. Given that Carl must have known he'd be  caught once the case was open, why wait until they were at the hotel?

Page 30

33. How can Carter be both Poker faced and smiling?

34. I can't find Carter's escape believable. Aside from any other considerations, I understand that Police shotguns are secured in the trunk of the cars, so he'd not be able just to grab it and use it like this - but then I can't believe that he'd be able to cut his way out like this anyway! And why wait until he is in the car when he could have beaten them up at the apartment?

Page 33

35. What's to stop Marigold just killing the cops? They have just handed over the only thing that they could use to negotiate with!

36. And Carl still has his gun?

Page 37

37. The shootout is well written, and probably the highlight of the script.

38. Carter is a tough bugger - is he related to Chev Chelios by any chance?

Overall I'd say that the main problem is that, having started with Carter's desire for revenge, you lost focus with the introduction of the other characters, in particular the bent cops, and defused the energy of the piece.

However, it is certainly well written - the action scenes especially work well. It may be a tad too derivative for my tastes (apart from "Point Blank", I was reminded of "True Romance" and "the Departed") - but hey, that never hurt QT did it?

I look forward to seeing more of your scripts.

Hey, thanks both  of you for the comments.  Just looking at them briefly I can see there's a ton of useful stuff.
Yea this is supposed to be expanded into a full feature, so a lot of the things like character development are definately on the slim side right now.  Also the whole investigating whats going on with the case pretty much got cut down to one scene, where I want to expand that so theres actually a development.  Mostly this was just figuring out the general plot.

In order:
Gary, yea I'll work on the names, I can see them being confusing.  I was starting to try to differentiate between Jensen and Johnson, having Johnson be more senior and calm, and Jensen a little younger and confrontational.  I'll definately keep working on it.
I'll work on varying the paragraphs too, I can see that I was probably just chopping them to stay around four lines.
Thanks for the other advice, I'll definately be working on it.

Niles,
Thanks for all the help, I'll definately be going through line by line with your input.
I'll work on the INT/EXT cars, I wasn't quite sure how that was supposed to be done.
Having been tasered myself, you will in fact recover pretty much as soon as the current turns off.  However I understand that being realistic and being believable aren't necessarily the same thing.
Yea I'll work on the Armored Car, probably make it mostly documents and such, a little more realistic than a buncha diamonds.
Haven't seen Point Blank, but have seen PayBack, which is a bit similar too.  The trunk scene was kinda a reverse nod to it, but i'll be taking it out.

Strip joints, (not that I'll claim to be an expert either) at least where I am often close down around 3ish, because they cant serve alcohol after that.  The idea was the scene takes place around 4, so everyones getting ready to head home and pass out.
Yea I can see how Carter seems a little inconsistant.  I was going for the idea that even as a cold blooded guy there were still rules, as in no killing cops, and preferably not innocent women.
I was hoping to reference obama without quite dating it by being specific.
Tripp and Carl were keeping them alive long enough to make sure they found the case.
With the janitor the idea was that the tension kept mounting until they snapped, but I def didnt write it out enough, so I'll work on it.

Yea the escape from the police was kept from an earlier version where everything was a little more over the top.  I'll rethink it.
The bit with Johnny was pretty much a lazy shortcut to revealing whats actually going on.  When I expand it a lot of that info will be revealed in other ways.

Haha, I think Chelios might be a distant cousin of Carter.  

Glad you liked the shootout, I was worried about the action scenes being confusing.
When I rework it I was thinking about expanding Carl, to kind of set up for the final scene, but I see what you're saying about losing focus.

I agree the stories on the derivative side, I tried to choose something simple to practice on.  Hopefully still entertaining though.
Anyways thanks for your time, I'll look at the rest of your suggestions as I edit.

Hi Jackx

Just to say that "payback" is a remake of "Point Blank" - a much inferior one. Check out the earlier version, as it is one of the true greats of modern cinema.

That would explain that, I'll see if I can find the original.  One other question, were the VOs too much?  I'm kinda working in a slightly cheesy genre here, but hopefully without crossing over into campy.
My next project is a pretty serious/original law enforcement bit, that hopefully breaks away from these kind of issues.
Thanks again.

I may be the wrong person to ask, as I detest VOs in general! The first use of it here, when Carter is in the hospital bed, is OK I think, but after that...

You could do it slightly differently - have him speak direct to camera, as in a monologue?

yea i know, voice overs are the tool for the weak, but right now thats me.  I'll be getting rid of most of them in the rewrite.

Hey, I quite enjoyed this, definately room for expansion and improvement.
You could definately take out a little of the cheese factor, drop out some VOs, get rid of that trunk scene.
I do think Carls character could be expanded, (and renamed)  to build up to the final confrontation with Carter.  Some of the best scenes are working with the tension of him being (SPOILER) undercover.  I would like to see what he does day to day with them early on, in order to build up to the revelation.
J&J could use some distinction, as previously mentioned.  Not sure how much you want to expand them, they might take away from the pace and focus, but if you helped distinguish between their dialogue it would help.
Anyways look forward to a revision.

Read it. Liked it! Simple critique I know, but some times it can be as easy as that.

Yeah there were a few breaks in the pace that may want editing out, but on the whole; I thought it was a fast paced, action packed piece. The characters were generally real enough and believable.

Ok! I'm new to this format, so i'm sure I've missed a couple of things. The critique given by Niles was a hell of a lot better than anthing I could have done. Even so.
Here's my oppinion, (For what its worth)

Great story!
Believable characters.
Settings and the set up of scenes; very good.
Pace. Apart from a couple of minor twitches, great!.
Liked the style and just about everything else.

Before your head gets so big, you can't get through the door, here comes the bad part. (Rememer this is only my oppinion. Don't go getting your britches in a twist.)

I thought it was dated.
A hell of a lot of it was straight out of the 80's, Miami Vice, The Sweeney, Starsky and Hutch and a dozen others just like them. Films too.

That isn't to say this doesn't work. A lot of stuff is coming out like this, in a time travel or retrospect point of view. Life on Mars, Cold Case, there's a few others.

You could change the ending to Carter looking back on his life and giving it a twist.

Married man, kids, doing good works. Whatever! A moral ending.

Remember! Writing the best script in the world anyone has ever done ever. Is only half the job. You've still got to sell it.

Great style Jack! I will unashamedly copy huge parts of it.

Thanks for the read Malcolm.  
This was my first attempt so I was more trying to have fun with a pretty simple genre than create anything I was planning on selling.  
I was pretty opposed to a moral ending, they rarely seem any kind of realistic.  So Carter should spend his life robbing and killing, then decide give it up in the last couple minutes?  Almost as bad as the whole 'one last job' thing.  
Do you remember any of the particular parts where it slowed down?
I guess imitation is a form of flattery, but I'm not sure thats something id admit.
Thanks again for the read, anything you would like me to return the favor on?

Once I've finished the 2nd draft of Living With The Beast, or the first draft of Saving Satan. You betcha!

I'll be looking for as many pointers as I can get. Particularly With Living with the Beast.

I've been told, by people who should know, that it has a lot of commercial potential.

I live in hope.

Thank's Jack

Malcolm has a interesting suggestion there, with Carter looking back on events, so you can set it in the 60s or 70s and get a retro feel.

I'd suggest this though - Carter, an old man, dying in prison. A bit like Ronnie Biggs here. He could be lying in the prison infirmary and telling his story to an impressionable convict orderly?

It would also allow for some bending of reality - Carter surviving shootouts with apparent ease could be his flights of fantasy, with a more real version also shown or suggested. Maybe his "badass" persona could be an invention, and it's revealed after he is dead and the orderly is clearing his stuff, that it's all from a book he's read and he was nothing special.

Sorry - like all writers, ideas are constantly pinging around my head! Feel free to tell me to bugger off!

Glad you're both keeping an interest.  Malcolm, feel free to pm me once you get something up, I might not notice it on my own.

I do like the idea of looking back on things, especially if he's in prison.  The reason I don't like the moral endings is they seem to offer an unrealistic way out for the character.  I was definately going with the idea that he was on a dead end track, and someday his luck and toughness wouldn't be enough.  
And I always like playing with the idea that the stories being told aren't quite the truth.

Hopefully i'll have a revision up with all the previous advice within the next week or so.  I'll keep thinking about this stuff, see how it would fit in with this.  
Thanks again.

Nice screenplay this definitely reminded me of Point Blank in a way. And smokin' aces at fight scene times.

I think you should expand the scene where Carter is in the hospital since he was caught at the scene of the crime he would be more heavily guarded. That could make a nice fight scene on pg 5 Carter escaping from the hospital. What if Carter flatlines and when the cop goes to get help that's when he escapes.

Also when you type INTERCUT there's no need to put parentheticals (into phone) it should be INTERCUT - CARL/MARIGOLD

There could be more detail in between the three goons for example FAT GOON BRAWNY GOON SHORT GOON this way we can tell them apart.\

It's a good ending but it's nice to see characters change throughout the story; it seems like Carter is back to square 1 in the hospital with guards surrounding him. Maybe Carter could get pardoned for revealing the two crooked cops... just a suggestion

Hey, thanks for the read.
Yea I'm kinda torn on that hospital scene, I was trying to keep that whole bit quick, all within what would be used as the credit sequence.
I fixed the Intercut in the new draft so itll read a little easier, wasnt sure how that was done before.
Thanks for your time, and Ill be thinking about your other suggestions.

"Point Blank" -

One idea that has been floated about this film is that everything we see is in fact happening in Lee Marvin's mind as he lies dying on Alcatraz island - which explains some surreal moments in the film (and plot holes!). There has even been a suggestion that Walker is a ghost!

As "Point Blank" came to mind for more than one reader of your script, it may be an idea to make your story more realistic, to distance it from the other - Carter dies in the opening, but his injuries are never referred to again, and at the end he is still alive after multiple gunshots! Perhaps have his first wound be less serious? Or have him definitely die at the end and drop the hospital scene?

Or - having him slowly dying of his first wound, thus giving him (and the story) added impetus as he seeks his revenge?

One thing that has struck me on a quick re-read, if I didn't mention it before, is that you split our attention between too many characters. Carter is the nominal "hero", shot at the start, and with his VOs - but Carl and the two cops play a major part too. It might be an idea to either pick one and stick to it, or to tell the story in separate strands (as in Pulp Fiction) - so we see one story play out, then we see events again from another angle, explaining things that we saw in earlier versions of the story.

Hey thanks everyone for previous comments, this is a new and expanded version up, utilizing your suggestions.  Any comments would be appreciated and I'd be happy to return reads.

[Oh and to the mods, its now 59 pages, so it probably belongs in the Action Genre, instead of shorts.  Thanks for your time]

   Definately like the expansion, nicely done.  I think of the three story lines the cops were on the weak side, they dont seem to be doing too much real detective work.  Though I do like them following the feds.  
   I think the characters are probably something to work on, they all a tough badasses that don't talk much, which is cool, but maybe makes them a little dull and indistinguishable at times.
   The violence is great, definately a bit more believable than the original, but still fun and stylized.  and viscious, like the blood/brains in the safe.  nice.
   I would think the next step would be seperating the three storylines and making sure each works as its own story, now that the overall story arc is pretty complete.
   Great job so far though, its definately coming along.

some descriptions are showing not telling.
for example on pg 1, I would rewrite as:  Graffiti covers the
buildings on either side, many look
abandoned.

pg 2: "honking"?

pg 3: unnecessary text here "As the barrel burns behind him"

pg 5: skinner needs to be CAPS

pg 11: He raises "an" eyebrow.

pg 13: "Skinner ducks past the shooting at the door, grabs Tripp pulling him towards the rear of the house, away from Stutz dying at the front door."  is a run on sentence.

pg 15: "The older one answers "his" cell phone"

pg 19: "if you�re "too" slow to understand.

pg 24: "Cops walk up, Agent Stephens on a stretcher, pale as Medics wrap a bullet wound in his arm."  i think you need to reword this.

pg 32: "How much would they pay for "that" those files?"

pg35 what's the purpose of the super for Carter? we've already met him.

pg 39: "Walks out towards the exit." incomplete.

pg 43:" It slow"ly" rolls through them"

the action picks up there and i didn't really proofread anymore.

coupla things.   I don't think we ever found out who shot up the feds.  Was it tripp and skinner because it wasn't carter right?    Also why does Tripp kill Marigold, shouldn't he try to bring him in?  

I would have to agree with an above post that stated that the detectives were the weakest part of the story.  I think my biggest problem with them was that I didn't really feel like the story advanced anywhere while watching them (outside of finding what's in the case).  I just felt like I was watching them go from place to place, not really getting a whole lot accomplished; outside of spouting out combative dialogue and acting corrupt.

I think what your piece really needs, and this might help push it to a full feature, is a centralized character.  Someone mentioned Smokin' Aces, which features a similar style, but I hated that movie because I didn't connect with anyone in it. Not only were most of them horrible people, but I didn't stay with anyone long enough to get to know them.  If you look at a movie like Snatch., the many stories being told all interweave with Jason Statham's character.  I'm not sure any of the characters you have right now are likable enough to make your main guy, so you might want to think about creating one.  But you're only at 60 pages, so you've got plenty of room.  I mean, you have a couple that could pass as likable, but no one I would say "yeah, he's the one I really connected to."

Another thing that struck me that you might want to do is create better introductions for your characters (excluding Carter, that one was fine).  For example, when you introduce the detectives, show them doing something corrupt and then put up that they're on the side of the law.  As you have it right now, it seems out of order.

Other than that, solid work, especially with formatting and dialogue.  No real complaints there.

Thanks to both of you for the read, very helpful comments.
Yea, the editing stuff, no matter how many times I read it there's always more.
As for the cops, it was Carter that shot them up, as we find out in the last segment.  But that was the last scene I finished, and I agree it needs work.  It was one of the scenes where I needed certain things to happen for the plot to work, and may have forced it a bit.
Dressel: Yea I agree with the cops being a bit weak and derivative.  The main point is to learn whats in the case, leading up to the reveal about Tripp, but I can see that that isnt quite enough to drive their story.
Also youre definately right about a central character, I hadn't really thought of adding a new character since there're several, but if I could find one that would interact throughout all three storylines it could work.  interesting idea.
The introductions were another little last minute addition, trying to make it a little more stylized and pretend to have a back story, but I agree they could use some work.
Not quite sure what you mean about the cops intro though, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what their intro was.  Unless you mean show them doing something bad, then later pull out their badges? As opposed to badges first, then something bad.  Or I guess just doing something wrong, then back to the "jewelry" heist where they're cops?

In any case, excellent suggestions, I'ma put this on the back burner for a week or two then come to it fresh using your notes.  Thanks and let me know if you have anything I can return the favor on.

Jack,

Sorry this took me so long to get to.  I've had a lot of other things going on.

Honestly, I felt a bit frustrated while reading through this.  I think the main reason is that this is a big story condensed into 60 pages when I really don't think it needs to be.  With all of the characters, subplots, and various storytelling methods going on, I could easily see this as 100 pages without breaking a sweat.  I think an expansion would help rectify some of my issues:

*The interconnecting stories.  This is never an easy task and I commend you for constructing a story around it.  That said, at times it seemed like things were going way too fast or things weren't explained clearly enough.  Maybe it's because I'm burned out, I dunno, but I didn't quite get everything that was going on.  Let me see if I got it right and please correct whatever I missed -

This case has files in it that details undercover cops?  Did I get that right or did I totally miss the mark?  Jensen and Gates are corrupt cops(show a little more of that), Marigold is a rich mob guy who wants it, and Carter in all of this is like a rogue thief dude.

*Characters.  I would have liked to see more development with guys like Marigold, Tripp, and the corrupt cops.  Again, such an epic story in 60 pages is kind of hard to touch on all of this.  Why is this 60 pages, by the way?  Is that just the way it turned out or was there another reason?  Just curious.

Throughout all of this there's good writing in here and the dialogue was fine. Action sequences were finely plotted out and every so often there was some very funny comic relief.  For me, though, I would like to see more development all around because as it is, it didn't exactly do it for me.  You've got a nice backdrop for a huge story here, so I would say expand on it.

Good effort overall.  I would like to read more from you in the future.

Greg

Hey, thanks very much for taking a look, sorry to disappoint.  It's currently 60 pages purely for the reason that I haven't gotten around to expanding it fully.  I generally write from the plot out, meaning I start with the bare bones ideas and then flesh out the story from there, so obviously there's a ways to go.

And yea, I probably was a little ambitious with the interconnecting stories.

In any case, thanks for your time, I'll try to expand it and slow it down a bit.

So I struggled reading this,  which doesn't mean that it is bad it just wasn't my taste. I do think this has an audience and if this landed on Guy Ritchie's lap he'd probably jizz in his drawers.

You are very good writer, the dialog and the descriptions were really top-notch. I think my main problem with this is that it never takes time to breathe. I never could feel an attachment or even an attraction to any of the characters. I think every single one could just be identified as "bad ass" which I don't think is enough. I also got lost a lot with so many characters I had to re-read quite a bit, but maybe my comprehension is just not up to par.

This is going to be expanded which I think it needs to be because right now its just fighting then some bad ass lingo over and over again without any character development. I say use those pages to add some character and clean up the intertwining so it isn't so confusing.

Good Luck

-Tanner

Hey I just finished reading directoboys script so I am going to start on this one next. Should get a review up soon

-K

Technically flawless in script structure.  An all guy macho fest with lots of gun play.  I love those.  A bit of a slow burner for my tastes.  And I think Tripp should have died and somehow Carter gets away with the money.  That would have been a more satisfying payoff. A point blank shoot out in which both come out alive makes me feel cheated.  

The case held the identities of undercover cops that it didnt seem we were supposed to care for and all of them were basically corrupt.  So why the crime doesnt pay morality ending? Carter should have a larger role because he is your most relatable character.

You know, its written so well that anything I say would be nit picking.  Its a solid story.  Definitely something to add to a portfolio.