The Mystery of the Haunted Hay Wagon by ???? - Short, Family Horror - A teenage girl and a security guard unravel a mystery that even the guys at the post office would not believe. - pdf, format 8)

This is OK, nothing too thrilling though, sorry to say.

Good news is that you did meet the challenge, although the horror was minor, at best.

I think the biggest problem here is that nothing seems very realistic, including dialogue.  You obviously ran out of pages and most likely went back and edited things out, which gave a bunch of scenes an unfinished, or missing feel.

The flashback just went way too long.  The "mystery" wasn't a mystery at all, based on the detailed retelling by Mrs. Hearst.  Savannah's "help" comes way too fast adn out of nowhere.  What should have been the big scene here, lasted a total of 1/2 page, and that includes her agreement to doing it.  I actually ahd to read it a 2nd time to see if I misse something.

So, good effort, but it seems like you ran out of time and space, and the script reads rather weak because of this.

Applause and extra credit for putting a romance twist in a horror script.  Nice job meeting the challenge!

I did struggle with the flashback.  it seemed like a more complex plot than your plot, leaving me a little disappointed when I came back to present time.

Maybe you have two interesting stories here...?  

From all the scripts I've read so far, I think this one met the challenge the best.  The writing was good, I liked the characters and felt the outcome was satisfying.  I have to agree, though, that Savannah offering to help out did come out of nowhere and the flashback was a bit on the bulky side.  Overall I thought it was a great effort.

It was not bad.
I liked the flashback, although you could have started with that story and then flashed forward to current time.
The mystery wasn’t really there and the climax was, anti-climactic.
Savannah just appearing and saving the day felt very deux ex machina. I actually agree with the protagonist, it would have been better if she would have kissed Patrick.

All in all it was a decent read, though.

Hmmm, a mixed bag for me...
The first few pages were getting tedious; though written ok, the action was draggy and going nowhere.
It perked up with the re-telling of Patrick's story and I thought the flashback scenes were done well.
The ending was sort of convenient and it kind of fizzled.
Good effort though, and kept with the Halloween Festival theme.

This was more of a romantic ghost tale than a horror tale. The VO flashback was okay but it was the answer to the mystery rather than a clue.

Everything happened too easily. The teacher knowing so much about the events, Savannah's kiss (BTW, the audience would love to see Lauren and Patrick kiss).

The doll at the end was a nice touch but we never got the feeling that Lauern missed her mom.

Good effort but could be improved.

Gary

I'm sorry to say the story is quite dull. It didn't get me involved, especially for the first 6 pages where Lauren and Otis just wander around the fair without any direction. I need to know why they are going there, doing this, etc.

Mrs. Hearst's story is not that interesting either. I know what's going to happen with her story from her first dialogue. But I do like the twist that Mrs. Hearst is the granddaughter of Nellie.

I would trim down the Lauren/Otis scene and add more suspense/horror to it. As of now, it's a romantic drama with a ghost thrown in. The ghost is not scary either.

It's a good effort, but I just have mixed feeling for this.

I liked this a lot.  You crammed a lot into this tiny space, and yet it didn't seemed crowded.  A very well told tale and I liked the resolution - both of them.  Good characters, good story, good dialog.

Probably my favorite so far!

This wasn't too bad - a romantic ghost story, rather than a horror story, but that's fine. It reminded me a bit of a sort of Nancy Drew type thing - plucky girl investigator and all.

I think it was let down by the flashback - well, not that so much as the fact that the teacher tells them the story (in VO - shudder), and so they don't have to investigate it - and Otis plays no real part after the initial scenes.

It really needs for Lauren to find out the story for herself, not be told it like this.

The ending was quite nice though, if perhaps a bit underdeveloped.

I liked the flashback, unlike many others who have read this script. I thought it went through smoothly and the voice overs worked well. Except, maybe instead of showing the bull kill Pat, just have the bull run straight at him, and then cut to present time, and that's when the teacher says that he was killed by the bull (that way, it works better, and we aren't told twice that Patrick was killed by the bull).

I thought that the story was good, and it was cute how you added a romance theme to it. The dialogue was fine in my opinion, but the whole scene where Savannah comes in did run short a bit, and it wasn't as climactic as it really should have been (though, if this were filmed, I am sure that the scene would last a lot longer with slow-motion and different angles and whatnot).

Overall, pretty good attempt. You filled in the 12 pages nicely.

Sean

I really liked the idea here and I think you totally met the challenge criteria.

Cool vibe set up at the festival.  I think the dialog sort of killed the momentum though.  It just felt unnatural.  And the flashback was also a bit slow.  Not sure we needed that much detail.  Just be careful not to overwrite or a good idea like this one can get buried and stall out.  Just tell us what we absolutely need to know to keep the story moving.

What female doesn't like a love story...I kept thinking the hay wagon would catch on fire from the fireworks and both kids would be lost...and so each halloween they came back to relive their one kiss.

I don't buy that Savannah the snob would kiss a ghost...but oh well...stranger things happen when it comes to love... :)

I did like the doll ending...a nice little message for the heart :)

Good job.

I really liked your story.

I loved the "it's all about her again" theme; the ghost story was rather interesting; the way you connected both stories - Loren's and Patrick's - made great sense.

Seems rushed for some of the typos though - check the last sentence please (not the only instance) - might want to edit. The dialogue, especially on the first five pages felt a little expositional.

But overal, very good for me.

Having outed...

Tough challenge. Didn't have anything until Wednesday, then decided to try to do something. Couple of points that I tried to hit.

The first is the matter of prejudice- not in a racial sense, but the idea of judging someone as this or that when you don't really know anything about them personally. Lauren had this picture of Savannah that she was snobby, stuck up and wouldn't do anything to help anyone, which, was not correct.

The second thrust of the story was Lauren's character. She was, literally, alone in the world. Her aunt (gaurdian) is an alcholic, her mom passed away, her best bud is unreliable, her dad is in jail. Tough circumstances for a kid, and had been for a long time. (The picking up the doll is significant, cause it was meant to reflect the kind of childhood she never had.) In the ending, where her mom sends the doll, just reassures her that, though she may not be here physically, she is still with her in a spiritual way and is watching out for her.

That flashback. Yeah, I know. I was way out of time and pages, and needed to wrap up the story. If I were to extend this, the main bulk of the second act would be piecing together these clues, talking to some of the old folks (which I didn't want to do, just having used seniors in the last challenge) and ultimately solving the mystery that Patrick was trying to communciate. Had to resort to the V.O....

Voices and dialogue; agree as well. A bit chatty. Both characters would take some time warming up to a stranger, so in that respect, it was forced.

The ending with Savannah and Patrick; It had to be Savannah to fulfill Patrick's destiny with Mabel. Like life, in unlife sometimes things just don't work out...which is why her mom decided to step in with Patrick to cheer her up...(note the two orbs in the craft barn)...

Thanks very much for the input and feedback.

I enjoyed this one. I thought it was a nice tale that showed the jealousy angle with Lauren.

Here:

Here:

>She holds a bunch of roses with a satin sash that reads “Miss
Samoset 2009.”

It was unclear to me if a bouquet of roses were lying around and Lauren had picked them up. Then I realized it was Savanah in the picture.

What I'm thinking now is that since this is a story about Lauren as much as it is the legend and "the strange things happening at the festival" idea, you might like to rework it by showing Lauren and Savanah in some kind of conflict early on.

I notice that in the beginning I was trying to figure out who was the main character: Otis, or George. Of course I was wrong to bother questioning that at that point.

Because of that, I think it would be more appealing to begin this with Lauren. Also, I think that this has all the ingredients of potential to be for children if you cut out the references to Beowulf, for example.

In my opinion this is extremely well done on all counts and I enjoyed reading it.

Good job!!!

Sandra  

Thanks, Sandra! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I agree with your point about starting off with Lauren, as the story was mainly about her with Otis in a supporting role. Could have started with Stupid Joey agreeing to wake her up after napping in the coffin, then moving on from that.

The Lauren/Savannah conflict isn't real; it's entirely in Lauren's head. Savannah likes Lauren, they just never talked. Lauren was full of preconcieved ideas about her.

If they had passed each other at the fair. Savvy would have smiled at Lauren, but Lauren would have just scowled back, probably making a snide comment to Stupid Joey about how fake she was..

P.s. the sculpture of Grendel and Beowulf was my first professional art sale from High School. I got $25 from the custodian, and blew it all on comic books.

Thanks again!

Quoted from Blakkwolfe Thanks, Sandra! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I agree with your point about starting off with Lauren, as the story was mainly about her with Otis in a supporting role. Could have started with Stupid Joey agreeing to wake her up after napping in the coffin, then moving on from that. The Lauren/Savannah conflict isn't real; it's entirely in Lauren's head. Savannah likes Lauren, they just never talked. Lauren was full of preconcieved ideas about her. If they had passed each other at the fair. Savvy would have smiled at Lauren, but Lauren would have just scowled back, probably making a snide comment to Stupid Joey about how fake she was.. P.s. the sculpture of Grendel and Beowulf was my first professional art sale from High School. I got $25 from the custodian, and blew it all on comic books. Thanks again!

I like the idea of starting with Lauren agreeing to wake her up after she has a nap in the coffin because she's SO BURNT OUT!!!  Go with that! And then lead into a fast-forward with him having forgotten. He rushes! But alas, she's fast asleep and when he gets there. Yes. She's not a happy coffin-camper!!!

I love that idea and can really see it!!! Snoozing in a coffin. Beautiful! If I could just get a normal sleep again, I would gladly lie down in one!!! (Even though I want to be cremated).

Sandra