Pete's Head by Anthony Russo (ajrscreenworks) - Short, Comedy - A writer schools a co-worker who just doesn't get it. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Nice script AJR,

An interesting perspective of a writer's creative process.   Kinda reminded me a little of Being John Malkovich.  I don't think you'll win an Oscar for it, but then again we both know this was just an experiment in creating a world within a world.  I think your character A.J put it best when he said, "writing is a magical experience where you create characters that feel like real people. Some you even fall in love with".   Nice line

I also liked the reference to Linus's little brother Rerun.  Funny stuff.  

My only other thought is maybe rework the ending.  I would've liked to see Pete and A.J. end up back in the office when it was all said and done.   Back to reality.

Thanks screenrider -

Yeah, I'm starting to experiment a little - this idea of shorts is definitely new to me.
And of course I wrote the whole thing with a wink and a nod (can you guess who the protagonist is?).

I got the idea for this after reading "Polarman", along with mcornetto's "Untitled" - so thanks...

And I guess it was true what AJ said - I really didn't have an ending for it...  ;D

hey interesting bit.
I like the simplicity of using his head in a variety of ways.  
square?  Not sure where you're from, but i havent heard people use that word seriously in a long time.  
ether, day?  the ether has times of day?
the tongue fulcrums?  you mean levers? the fulcrum is just the rotating point of the lever.
the sentence where you introduce the charlie brown characters is pretty lengthy and awkward.  might want to restructure it.
Having AJ say you dont have an ending isnt really a substitute for an ending.
Your characters were pretty simplistic and one dimensional.
And why are they in cubicles while AJ's writing.  shouldnt he be working?
I think overall the biggest issue I had was the overly pat morality of it.  So the old guy's lame and unimaginative, and the young guys very creative.  And somehow that all has to do with writing, since deep down everyone wishes they were a writer.
Not to sound harsh, because I did like it.  But it seems like you had an idea for the visual stuff which was pretty cool, and not really much to go with it.
Good start though, good luck with it.

My ego wouldn't allow me not to read this. ;)

I like the premise of a writer attempting to explain the creative process to a non-creative person, so points for that.

A few random notes:

Your dialogue could use some work, it seems a little too formal in spots and not as genuinely conversational as it could.

The "Have some chocolate" line seems odd to me for some reason. Perhaps it would work if Pete then points to a jar of M&Ms on his desk or something. Just saying that line but not referring to anything specific seems strange to me - but maybe that's just me.

This seems like a silly thing to criticize considering the characters are in a fantasy world, but I think it would be physically impossible for Pete's head to upright itself using just his tongue. Actually, you might get more laughs out of it if he tries to do it and fails.

A better description of Pete's body after his "affair" would be wise, I think. If his shirt is suddenly untucked and his zipper is down it would allow the audience to figure it out before Pete is told.

I like the Charlie Brown bit.

It would be nice to see Pete, once he's shown how it's done, using his own imagination in the ether, perhaps against A.J. That might give you more of an ending to this than you have (which you admit to not having).

I don't get what you were going for with that last paragraph at all.

All things considered, a cute short.

~Pete

jackx / Pete,

Thanks for rescuing this from the scrap heap - definitely unexpected given the 7WC.

Yeah, I agree with everything you guys said.  I wrote this quickly, and more visually, as a way to stretch my muscles (I never wrote a short until I got here). You've given me pretty good suggestions as well. If I ever re-visit this I'll make sure to incorporate the visuals (Pete's clothes - very good) and concentrate on continuity - and an ending... (-:

AJR

Anthony

Another script with a nod to Screenrider, that man is certainly proving influential.

I enjoyed "New Year's Eve" so I said I'd check this out.

A.J.
So? The other day you turned your
head both ways like you were
crossing the street before you
would utter the word "heck". -- Good line

I must admit I am shamefully oblivious when it comes to Charlie Brown. I read an article once about the legendary Christmas special, Linus's speech and all that but I've never seen it. Nor have I watched any of the series, so I'm uneducated about the core referencing in the piece.

I liked the concept of going into A.J's mind and administering a very practical lesson to the conservative Jim, the prose was fine with perhaps the dialogue needing a more natural flow to it in parts but unfortunately I found it difficult to connect with the story or forge any definite opinion on it due to my aforementioned ignorance.

Sorry I couldn't offer more.

Col.

Col,

Thanks for the read - yeah, you definitely get more out of it if you know that Lucy is famous for pulling the ball away from Charlie Brown...

And yes, screenrider is re-making himself as a writer before our eyes - it's quite exciting to watch actually.

AJR

Hello AJR,

Having not read the previous scripts mentioned as inspiration for your script, I have no basis with which to draw from apart the script on its own merits.

I kinda felt what jokes I noticed were old school and just not for me.

I liked the description of the Ether, that was plus.

The story and characters were not for me.  I felt there was nothing in the story and the characters were just not funny.

Sorry, but I wish I could be more positive, c'est la vie.

All the best,


Javier

Quoted from ajr And yes, screenrider is re-making himself as a writer before our eyes - it's quite exciting to watch actually. AJR

Sure thing, AJR.  It's almost as exciting as watching a baby take his first few steps and then fall and hit his head on the coffee table.  Exhilaration followed by horror.

jayrex,

No need to apologize - I completely understand. Thanks anyway for the read.

screenrider,

How did you get your hands on my old home movies?

AJR

Time it took to read this script: three minutes

Time it took to write review: two minutes.

Decapitated, talking head used in the "Lucy hold the ball while Charlie Brown kicks" gag = Priceless!

Thanks  I really enjoyed this one. Daydreamers rock on!

tonkatough,

Many thanks for the read and I'm glad you enjoyed it.  It's not groundbreaking by any stretch, but I did have fun writing it.

AJR

Hey AJR,

Nice script. I thought most of the dialogue was pretty funny. I thought that the ending wouldve worked better without the cartoon but plug. I liked the way you commented on the fact that you dont have an ending, but I thought you couldve just left it at that.

Another thing I was thinking. Maybe AJ leaves his script unfininshed and goes out for lunch while Pete has a go at the script. Or they could have imagination offs where each have a go at writing the script, and try to out do eachother but AJ still ends up giving Pete a lesson in writing.

John

jimbob,

Thanks for the read - glad you enjoyed it for the most part.

I was going for an R-rated Bugs Bunny ending there - since AJ had abused Pete during the whole story, I wanted Pete to believe it was over with the lesson learned - only AJ had more abuse in store.

Cheesy in retrospect, huh?

If any of you have anything for reading please let me know so I can return the favor.

AJR

Hey Anthony,

I actually read this last week but totally forgot to comment on it.  There were two things that I envisioned this as.

1) It felt like a segment from a much larger script, maybe something along the lines of Being John Malkovich(which someone mentioned already. It did have that kind of comically weird feel to it) or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or something of that sort.

2) The other is that for some reason this felt like a video that could be shown in an introductory course for screenwriting.  It had that vibe and gave the messages that you'd hear when venturing into something new, i.e. writing is a magical experience, controlling what goes on in the Ether, etc.

So, it was nice to read.  You're a good writer, keep it up.

-Greg

Oh, and in response to the religion thread, here's something we can both agree on; "Just put your faith in a loud guitar." :P

Greg,

Once again, thanks for the read and for the nice comments.  Remember to let me know when you post something so I can be first on line for it!

As for the religion thread, I made a few comments there, but of course I always enjoy a music reference.  I usually quote a Nazareth (ironic) song in this case (not sure where they lifted this phrase from), when people are trying to nail things down to perfection:

"Close enough for rock n' roll"

Thanks again - AJR

Hello Ajr,

script's amazin! It doesn't take much time to read, so i found the time today. Talking in general, i like the way u create your characters. Pete and A.J. are very interesting despite the brevity of the work.
The "charlie brown"-thing was very well integrated in the construct and was among the best moments of the screenplay.
This entire "world-inside-a-world"-idea looks extremely well. I doubt that it would be enough for cinema but e. g. on a show like "Twlight Zone" on TV it would fit the expectations!

Tommy,

Once again thanks for the read and for the kind words...

Now write something so I can return the favor!  (0:

Quoted from jimbob Hey AJR, Nice script. I thought most of the dialogue was pretty funny. I thought that the ending wouldve worked better without the cartoon but plug. I liked the way you commented on the fact that you dont have an ending, but I thought you couldve just left it at that. Another thing I was thinking. Maybe AJ leaves his script unfininshed and goes out for lunch while Pete has a go at the script. Or they could have imagination offs where each have a go at writing the script, and try to out do eachother but AJ still ends up giving Pete a lesson in writing. John

I agree with this.  The butt-plug was an unnecessary joke that didn't really fit the tone of the script, but I like the idea of the ending being the writer not having an ending.

Ken,

Thanks for checking this out. Yeah, I went for the R-rated "Bugs Bunny" ending there - blame my upbringing... (o:

AJR