Chat by M. E. Cox (emcee) - Short - It's always good to talk to someone you know. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

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The problem with scripts like this, where the main character is talking  to an unseen character, is that the reader's mind starts racing to figure out who the second character is.  And usually it's one of two:  it's either a mirror or a corpse.  It didn't take too long to figure out that the second character was a mirror.

I thought you went over the top with Man (who you should really give a name to; he is the main character).

I wish I could be more helpful with this.  More positive.  But there's only so much one can say about a three page script.


Phil

I have mixed feelings about this one. I like it, but then again I don't. I think I like it mainly about the writing--the descriptions mostly. I thought they were great. But then again, you had too much of them. You go into great, great detail, much like a novel, but that's not what a script is. Keep them short and to the point. You describe how crappy the room is, but you also go into every single detail about it. Just say something like, "The room looks like shit."

Okay, not the best example, but still, just keep it short, but with enough information so the reader can get a picture in their head of what it looks like.

I thought the ending was going to be predictable, that he was going to be talking to some dead body, but your ending caught me off-guard, which is both a good and bad thing. It's good, because I wasn't expecting it. It's bad because it just ends. Where do you go from here? He's talking to himself, but now what? It's 3-minutes of pointlessness right now. So his life is going to shit, so what's next? This is another short story that could be expanded on, and I think you should try and push yourself to do so.

Sean

Nice job, Martin. Was worried at first because of how much detail you were going into setting up the location and character.  Which can be a big turn off with readers. But I would let it slide here because of how short the piece is and the reveal of who the guy is talking to.  In this, I think you actually need all of the detail to give the set up some breathing room before the punchline.  Others might argue that though.

I actually enjoyed your writing style very much. I would if I were you though brake up your paragraphs. It looks very chunky on the page and made me groan. Fortunately the story was not bad at all. I knew he was talking to himself the whole time. That's not really the point here. The point of this story is the Man revealing to us his own self hatred.

Good job!  :)

Hi Guys.

To experience the rush nay the climactic thrill, knowing that someone has taken the time to read your work is.....well, enouugh of the psychophantic blah blah.

But really, thank you all for your time and comments. I'm learning so much!

Phil. I think I've read every post of yours since I discovered this site, and I find your comments valuable, insightful sometimes ascerbic. Good! This was/is my first attempt to hone (?) or at least improve my writing skills on the imagery front. I toyed with the idea of giving the MAN a name, but I convinced myself that as no one would use it, it would be redundant. As I'm still very wet behind the ears, I can see this is a mistake. Thanks for the read.

Sean. Hey Sean. I liked your review...but then I didn't.
No, seriously, as I said to Phil, this was a deliberate attempt on my part to improve my imagery writing and I guess as I was writing it I suppressed the thought that I might be going over the top. My wife loved it, but she also loves me and Danielle Steel (God!). Anyhoo, thanks for your comments and your motivation. I absolutely agree with all you said, and I need to be braver(?) more brave. Thanks for the read.

jm. (Is that how I should address you?). Thanks for the comments. Apart from the writing improvement, which I have alluded to copiously above, I thought that by describing the scene in such detail would give any prospective DoP (yeah, I should be so lucky) a chance to work their magic. I thank you for your time and the fact that you have sat back and considered where I was coming from and going to. It's an onward journey made easier by comments such as yours. Thanks.

me. Hey me. As I've said before, I'm a real greenhorn here. I'm trying to teach myself the etiquette of script writing by reading as much as I can. Still not confident with formatting and action scene set-up, but I guess that'll come. What you have pointed out to me is that when I look at the page, if I don't like it, it's wrong. So thanks for that and also that you really got the whole point of the piece. Haven't we all been in this situation? I know I have, dirty toe nails an' all. Thanks for the read.

M.

I'm glad to hear that you are cool with criticism; some people on the boards can get nasty when criticized.

Keep reading scripts to see how other describe things.  Descriptions should be brief and to the point.


Phil

Hey Phil. Wasn't a few weeks ago. Maturing though. M.

You definitely have a great writing style.  I love your descriptions.  Could be a little shorter, as some have suggested.  For me, the problem with this one is that I knew who he was talking to at about a page in.

And the ending is a little "eyeroll" inducing.  I'd love to see your writing skills applied to a better idea.

Thaks Capel. Thought it was a bit O.T.T. meself, but warmly accept your remarks.

You got stuff for me to read? Love to return d condiment.

Em.

Em,

Overall good work here. Your ability to write is fun to watch. I would be careful of overwrting in it. Describing a mug as "Someone's favorite" will open up the debate to unfilmables again. Debated many times.

Two things... The apartment is in such disarray that i would have to believe this mirror would bit quite fogged and shit stained. I got the impression we just watched this entire short staring into it. would seem out of place if it's refelection were pristine.

Think it would work better if he was drinking alcohol and smashed it in a fit of drunken rage.

Gotta admit, thought the audience was being taken on a ride to hell at first. "before we offer our apoligies and excuses."

Overall nice 3 pager. I liked it.

James

Hey James.Thanks for the read.

You know I'm kinda new in this territory and I wanted THE MAN to just look into the camera (I dunno, is that a POV? but that''s good ol' me right there, naiive as can be.)

Toyed, struggled and eventually submitted to myself over the alcohol. Looking back probably woulda worked better, bu scared it might be too autobigraphical

The crap covered mirror, nice touch, maybe last visual before smashing, as it might give the whole story away. (Yes I know it's pretty transparent anyways, but please just humor me. I'll be fine when d medics kick in!)

Seriously though, thanks for your time, comments and motivation.

Condiments will be returned forthwith.

Em.

I read this with my own directors mind. He would be looking at the camera the whole time. When he throws the mug at us the image on the screen would shatter having us realize he was talking to himself.

For a two or three minute script it would be no big plot hole if the mirror we were watching this in were clean. Maybe he keeps it clean so he can downgrade himself.

Naiive? That's my job. :-)

James

hey emcee,

well since you're fairly new, i want to say great job. really, for someone that's still learning, this script was superb.

even though i like your style of writing, you've got to shorten your descriptions. way too long. but i guess thats fairly easy to do- the hard part is getting your writing style down.

also, i knew what was happening from the very start. so i was kinda disappointed with the ending. but this script seemed more like an exercise than anything else, so it served its purpose and served it well.

ill be reading more of your stuff for sure

Hey James. Always to to the point and succicnt. Keep on telling me how it is sews I can improooove. Luv It!

Em.

Thanks for reading Al (Bino). Dunno how to address u. You're absumutely correctomundo, Completely O.T.T. wid d descrriptions but trying to push d envelope. And den d postmen only knocks twiice, right?

Thanks for the read and really appreaciate your comments..

As wid udders the condiments will be returned.

Em

I like the way you type... Just wanted to hears me some mores. :-).   I'll leave you alone now.  

Quoted from emcee You got stuff for me to read? Love to return d condiment. Em.

Ha I wish.  No, I'm an aspiring director.  I lurk these forums looking for a great short to make.  You'll find that my comments rarely have anything to do with format.  I can really only comment on the story and dialogue.

Hey Em, just gave this a read.  Here's my $.07 worth...

As everyone has said, your writing style is very good, but it's not a very good writing style in terms of screenwriting.  It's actually very good for a novel or short story.  In terms of a script, it is WAY overwritten in terms of detail, description, and flowery prose, sorry to say.

As Phil said, you definitely need to name your character.  You're right in that no one says his name, so in a filmed version, it doesn't matter, but in terms of a read, it comes off as lazy, IMO.

As Pia said, you don't want to go over 4 lines of prose per passage.  It looks cluttered and reads poorly.

Biggest concern is that in 2 1/2 pages of script, what do we know here?  Well, we have a filthy scumbag of a guy sitting in a filthy , scumbag room, smoking his last cig, drinking a cup of Joe, and talking to himself about what a scumbag loser he is. That's it. Period. That's not going to fill up 2 1/2 minutes of screen time...and if it does, it's going to be 2 1/2 long, dull moments with little to nothing going on the majority of the time.

Sorry to sound harsh, but I'm worried you're going to start off on the wrong foot here and get into alot of bad habits, unless you are aware of these shortcomings.  You obviously know how to write, now you need to learn how to write in a different medium. Scripts are so much different than novels and short stories.

Hope you take this in the vein it is intended.  Best to you, bud!

Hey Dreamscale.

Thank you so much for the read. Actually nothing is too harsh. Still very much trying to learn and attain my writing ability (maybe script writing ability).

You are completely correct. This is written in a novello format, in which I am comfortable.

However, I have tried to move on with my new short "Mommy's Boy".

My wife doesn't like the script, but hooonose??????????????.

Please, if you will.,. Keep an  eye out for it and comment.

And if you have anything I can read.....my pleasrure.

Em.

Hey Capel.

I've got great ideas. Just tell me where you at brudder....an' I'll be der before you.

Anyhoo, whatever you need, I think I can write it.

Maybe need to be knocked into shape, (somewhat avec moi). But salient.

Emcee.

I think the idea is a good one for a short. Can be easily filmed and produced.

But the script can be tightened up and trimmed. There is too much black on first page, clogged with descriptions of the room that can be shortened. I agree that describing the room can add personality to the character, but some action are just too long-winded. I bet you can say the same thing with less words.

Other than that, nothing else much to say for the rest of the script. It works the way it is. We see the man and understand why the man is ranting. And the payoff comes at the right time to not become too predictable.

It's still enjoyable though. Thanks.

I could feel a pull from this script to keep reading at the same time as I felt a pull
to stop and put it down, but due to the fact that I'm only faced with three pages, you win!  ;D

The images you begin with I can easily imagine, the camera sweeping silently across and immediately we wonder, "Who the hell lives here?"

As I continued, I knew internally that this guy was only talking to himself; so for the greatness of the script part, I guess this thing has been done quite often before.

What might amp it up is some kind of tension, where someone is watching him watching himself, where he, might have some bitter choice to make.

At the top of the page, you should only have one space after Fade In.

I think you should work on changing the title. It's flat as a pancake.

Good work though, despite the chunkiness. I understand why.

Sandra

Just breezed through your short - it was an easy read despite chunky descriptions.

I'd say you don't need part of the set description - I got an idea what the room is like after the first paragraph.

Maybe the man could start speaking off stage and then we get to see him. - just an idea.

I think that for a three pager it's very good. Good progression, nice flow.

Quoted from Dreamscale Biggest concern is that in 2 1/2 pages of script, what do we know here?  Well, we have a filthy scumbag of a guy sitting in a filthy , scumbag room, smoking his last cig, drinking a cup of Joe, and talking to himself about what a scumbag loser he is. That's it. Period. That's not going to fill up 2 1/2 minutes of screen time...and if it does, it's going to be 2 1/2 long, dull moments with little to nothing going on the majority of the time.

Although I hear what your saying Jeff, in this
instance I thought the writer was trying to
capture the inhabitant of the room and possessions
using the inanimate nature of everything to call out
a sense of the life and presence of the person living there.

I do agree that the character should be names.

I also agree that it can be cut back in the way its worded.

For instance:

>On the table, an ash tray, full, spewing it’s contents.

To:

An ashtray spews crud onto the table.

>Carvings testify to previous ownerships.

What carvings? Describe them.

Carvings can be art or carvings can be the word "shit" scratched
into a table using a Swiss Army.

In the case of the latter, you have the opportunity for action here,
showing an additional "piece of work" into a vandalized, hardly
a table anymore, chunk of wood.

Like I said, I understand what you're going for, but you need
to keep Jeff's words in mind and be precise. Do the things
you need to do to hold the readers' attention.

Sandra

Thanks to everybody who commented on this one.

I owe you all a huge debt of gratitude. I am so pumped that other, more accomplished writers can debate my efforts. Feels fantastic!

Really do appreciate your suggestions and will bear them all in mind.

'Chat' has now been optioned with a number of changes so I guess I need to pull it from these boards.

Once again a truly heartfelt thanks to all who've commented on my work to date. You've helped me improve no end, but still a very long way to go.

Em.

I read your script. I'm not a pro by any stretch (as far as the technical stuff goes), so I wont go into structure or anything. But I liked it,  Good job IMO.

Hey James.

Thanks for bumping this up. A really early attempt. But with you and the rest of guys ....well I hope I'm improving.

How's your script we spoke about coming on. Get it done man....it's cool. You are someone i aspire to.

Just finished 'MOTHER"S DAY'.  Gonna post it tomorrow.

Hope you like it!

Best. Martin.

Hi Hugh.

Glad you liked it.

This was written about a year ago when I first joined SS. As you can see it's well overwritten and I'm still trying to banish that from my work.

Just ain't quite brave enough yet!

Thanks for the read man.

Best.

Martin.