Small Mercies by Graham Murray - Short - Tom takes solace and seeks comfort by telling stories to his daughter, TARA. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

SPOILERS...MAYBE...I'M NOT SURE....

I thought this was a good read.  Maybe a little heavy in description, but not too much.  I had a hunch about Tara as she spoken a little too well for a five year old,

Enjoyable read.


Phil

Graham,

Without stroking your ego too much, I've noticed you've been causing quite a stir around here with some of your scripts.  Good job on that.  Now to the story...

I read this last night and ended up thinking what the heck?  I didn't get it at all.  I just read Phil's review and figured I missed something so I read it again and realized (SPOILER) Tara was never there.  I'd like to suggest you make that point a little clearer in the end by saying "As they step out and gently pull the door closed, light from the hallway casts a silver beam across the book on the empty bed.  Or something like that.

As for the actual writing style itself it seemed a little clunky in places.  Also on page 2, you misspelled "faint".  Overall, excellent effort of telling a bittersweet story.  The ending could've had alot more impact had you shown Tara's Ghost standing with Jesus or an angel, when Jackie ask Tom "Do you think she hears us?"  

Well done.  Keep up the good work.

Mike

Quoted from screenrider The ending could've had a lot more impact had you shown Tara's Ghost standing with Jesus or an angel, when Jackie ask Tom "Do you think she hears us?"

I think this would've been over-the-top as an ending. It's also a bit presumptuous on your part to assume that the family is Christian.  Not trying to start another religious throw down, but there it is.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe It's a bit presumptuous on your part to assume that the family is Christian.  Not trying to start another religious throw down, but there it is.

Christian or not, if you're familiar with the term "age of accountablility" then when a child dies I'm pretty sure they end up in the arms of Jesus.  Not trying to start another religious debate either.  Just callin' it like I see it.

Graham,

Probably from favourite piece from you so far. Good job with this one. I wouldn't change the ending. I liked it being subtle.

My only question was the book at the end. "Our Daughter"? Was he looking at a photo album as he recited goldilocks from heart? That was a bit vague to me. It's almost as if you suggested Tara was Golidilocks.

Nice work.

James

Lets not poke the spiritual bear you two.

It was a decent little scriipt. The ending was fine. Good job on the writing as well.

Shawn.....><

Nice heart-felt little script.

I agree that you need to make it clearer that Tara isn't there at all. Just a quick shot of the empty bed as the couple stand holding each other.

Other than that, it worked really well. Easily produceable and could do well in super short film festivals.

Rick

Quoted from dogglebe SPOILERS...MAYBE...I'M NOT SURE.... I thought this was a good read.  Maybe a little heavy in description, but not too much.  I had a hunch about Tara as she spoken a little too well for a five year old, Enjoyable read. Phil

Thanks dogglebe

However, I disagree about Tara's oratory abilities. My daughter is only four, and speaks just as well (if not better) than Tara does.

Just a few days ago she said, "photosynthesis", "tyrannosaurus rex" and "equity (?)"

So age is not really a determinant in such matters: it depends on the child's social surroundings and thence their environmental genetics.

There are adults who struggle to speak as Tara does :)

Thanks again.

Graham

Quoted from screenrider Graham, Without stroking your ego too much, I've noticed you've been causing quite a stir around here with some of your scripts.  Good job on that.  Now to the story... I read this last night and ended up thinking what the heck?  I didn't get it at all.  I just read Phil's review and figured I missed something so I read it again and realized (SPOILER) Tara was never there.  I'd like to suggest you make that point a little clearer in the end by saying "As they step out and gently pull the door closed, light from the hallway casts a silver beam across the book on the empty bed.  Or something like that. As for the actual writing style itself it seemed a little clunky in places.  Also on page 2, you misspelled "faint".  Overall, excellent effort of telling a bittersweet story.  The ending could've had alot more impact had you shown Tara's Ghost standing with Jesus or an angel, when Jackie ask Tom "Do you think she hears us?"   Well done.  Keep up the good work. Mike

Mike

Thank you. It is sheer coincidence, I assure you. I just write 'em.

I see your point about Tara not being there. However, what I tried to do to cover this was to have Jackie look into Toms eyes and nod - as I acknowledging Tara's absence and that he was imagining her presence. Obviously this does not work very well.

This said, some people get it, others don't. (shrug)

Both versions of "faint" and "feint" are acceptable. However, the adjective 'feint' is used to mean 'light colored, not dark' as in feint-ruled paper. Whereas 'faint' is actually a synonym for syncope. Americans simply use "faint" to cover all possibilities - I use it to distinguish between the two.

There definitely can be no ethereal presence - just to smarmy and cliquey. And, as has been noted, some may  be 'offended' by this. Not everyone is a Christian - but some also believe in 'ghosts'. It's a rock and a hard place.

Thanks for the read and constructive comments - always appreciated.

Quoted from screenrider Christian or not, if you're familiar with the term "age of accountablility" then when a child dies I'm pretty sure they end up in the arms of Jesus.  Not trying to start another religious debate either.  Just callin' it like I see it.

Dogglebe - I am not a 'Christian' (broad term) but like you, I believe that children, by virtue of their innocence, probably go somewhere very nice when they are taken from us. We can but Hope.

There are times when I cry just by watching my four-year old playing with her toys. It's the innocence, the fragility, the absence of malice. And then I realize that she too, one day, will learn to lie, to cheat, and to deceive just like the rest of us as she becomes a real 'person'. An adult.

It's like some cruel trick of existence.

Graham

Quoted from jwent6688 Graham, Probably from favourite piece from you so far. Good job with this one. I wouldn't change the ending. I liked it being subtle. My only question was the book at the end. "Our Daughter"? Was he looking at a photo album as he recited goldilocks from heart? That was a bit vague to me. It's almost as if you suggested Tara was Golidilocks. Nice work. James

James

As Tom falls asleep (perhaps) and is awoken by Tara's presence, and then hugs her with BOTH arms, we would assume that does not pick up the book again but merely TELLS her the story.
I had not thought about that.
Good point and the first time anyone has pointed it out.
Would it be so bad if Tara (or Tom) personified Goldilocks, given's children's wont to emulate story characters?

Cheers

Graham

Quoted from Ledbetter Lets not poke the spiritual bear you two. It was a decent little scriipt. The ending was fine. Good job on the writing as well. Shawn.....><

Shawn

Would that be like Muffin the Mule? :)

Thanks a lot

Graham

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Nice heart-felt little script. I agree that you need to make it clearer that Tara isn't there at all. Just a quick shot of the empty bed as the couple stand holding each other. Other than that, it worked really well. Easily produceable and could do well in super short film festivals. Rick

Thanks Rick

I replied to that suggestion earlier. Indeed, this could well be made into a short, given a good director and cinematographer.

If I bunged say, Scorsese and Spielberg a tenner each do you think they may drop what they're doing and consider it?

Hope springs eternal.

Graham

Quoted from gmurray Dogglebe - I am not a 'Christian' (broad term) but like you, I believe that children, by virtue of their innocence, probably go somewhere very nice when they are taken from us. We can but Hope

The point I'm trying to make is that, if you chose single deity (or implication of a particular faith), you may offend those who believe differently.  Right now, she's simply in a better place.

Do you think that some people might be upset if the story ended with Tara in Mohammad's loving embrace?  That's probably how you would end it if you were Muslim?  If you were Jewish, the story might've ended with Tara in Yehweh's loving embrace. If you were a Satanist MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!

By leaving it open, you don't offend anyone.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe By leaving it open, you don't offend anyone.

Correction.  You offend God.

Quoted from screenrider Correction.  You offend God.

By leaving it open, I offend God? Is his ego so fragile that his name must mentioned everywhere?

God is not a member of these boards.  If he is, he's a lurker who hasn't posted comments to anyone's scripts.



Phil

Quoted from dogglebe God is not a member of these boards.  If he is, he's a lurker who hasn't posted comments to anyone's scripts. Phil

       LMAO  :D

       That was a good one, Phil.

I think you both are great.....

But you remind me of reruns of HANNITY AND COLMES on FOX.

It's at a point for me, if I see both of you on the same thread I might as well assume the thread will be condensed to spiritual profiling.

Ooops, did I just say that?

Sorry Arazona.

Shawn.....><

I liked this one.  Something weird though about showing the little girl there in bed with Dad, and then at the end revealing that she's actually dead.  It may leave the audience wondering, "wait, so is the Dad hallucinating?  Clearly she's dead, but just a second ago she was sitting right there with him on the bed."  It seems kind of weird since for part of this he's looking her in the face and talking to her.

Is there maybe some other way to insinuate that the girl is there without actually showing her sitting there?  For such a short script I could maybe see it confusing some people.  ...or maybe I just need to read it a few more times...

Quoted from capel I liked this one.  Something weird though about showing the little girl there in bed with Dad, and then at the end revealing that she's actually dead.  It may leave the audience wondering, "wait, so is the Dad hallucinating?  Clearly she's dead, but just a second ago she was sitting right there with him on the bed."  It seems kind of weird since for part of this he's looking her in the face and talking to her. Is there maybe some other way to insinuate that the girl is there without actually showing her sitting there?  For such a short script I could maybe see it confusing some people.  ...or maybe I just need to read it a few more times...

Capel - you can decide for yourself what the father is s"seeing". Hallucination, perhaps? His imagination, more likely. Either way, the point is he thinks she's still real and sees her as real.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Daddy wasn't hallucinating.  He was trying to spend some quality time with his little girl the only way he knew how.

Nice little story.  I take from the expressions on the parents' faces that they were more distressed than usual.  Maybe it was the little girl's birthday?  Just a guess.

Mmm. Nice story. well written. When the mother arrived I felt a lump in my throat. Your writing captured perfectly what a treasure Tara was and then you hit us hard with the knowledge that it has been taken away from the parents. That is powerful writing right there.

But what is even more interesting is the discussion about children.

Children innocent and fragile? yeah maybe on the Disney channel but in real life people seem to forget that children are just under developed adults who have no conscence, ethics,  responsibility, and no altruisim until it is taught to them by their parents. Children can be just as cruel as anyone else.

    

I froze up when I opened the screenplay and long blocks of description greeted me. I only say this because normally this much description would be unnecessary. This is not the case here.

The writing was beautiful. Towards the end, when I saw what was coming, I froze up again. I wondered how the writer was going to handle the loss. I continued, knowing that everything up to that point had been composed with a careful hand.

I was not disappointed.

This story was tragic, sad, and beautiful.
I simply loved it.

-Daniel

Graham - I have read some of your other work - I wouldn't make any alteration to this at all - I think that it is very well written, better for the fact that you may have to think about it a little - the ending is not too obscure.

I think that you get the atmosphere correct in the way that you write, and the dialogue is well pitched - all in all it's very well balanced, readable, intruiging and intelligently told - dumb down for on-one.

I agree, I think it's entirely clear what's happening from the get-go. Specifically mentioning the empty bed might make things more blatant, but I don't think it's necessary. As I recall, you describe the girl as "appearing" which is a good way of tipping us off right away that something's a tad askew.  A very nice, simple, and emotional moment out of people's lives.