Innocent Sinners by Allan Bourne - Short, Action, Adventure - A crooked cop who is being blackmailed by  an enemy. 22 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Allan -

Interesting scripts here - the beginnings of a good idea, but in the end was less of a story, and more a case of some isolated incidents connected via the story line. It began as a well structured idea, but didn't know how to conclude itself.

Unfortunately it was badly written, and the dialogue was quite poor, and the descriptions were not what you would expect from a standard script.

p3. VO explanation makes no sense.
p4. Dialogue is cleary the same person - the characters need to be different - i.e not just you thinking for other people - try to get into another person's psych.

I felt that you needed to be less emotionally involved in your script - to be able to stand back a little bit - describe things clearly and with minimum fuss - you should write a script for the benefit of other people, but also show in the script how someone is thinking (so not 'he's never seen the phone before' - write how this is shown).

So some work needed - improve your writing skills etc, as there is potential here.
Simon

Hi all,

I didn't like this one. As SiColl007 said already you need to show not tell, this reads like a book rather than a script. There's 22 pages here and this could probably be condensed to 14 if you also removed the overly descriptive opening.

I also didn't get the point of the flashback...Ok that's how his daughter came about but it didn't really add anything else. I also don't get how he now becomes a hero all a sudden as opposed to what went on before. And finally it ends abruptly, no revelation, no conclusion, no closure. I take it you weren't intending to  write a longer script.