SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 20th, 2019, 5:43am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The August/September Challenge has begun!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Innocent Sinners Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Innocent Sinners  (currently 675 views)
Posted: May 14th, 2010, 9:00pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Innocent Sinners by Allan Bourne - Short, Action, Adventure - A crooked cop who is being blackmailed by  an enemy. 22 pages - pdf, format

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Posted: June 5th, 2010, 1:53am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Let The Sky Fall

Various, exotic.
Posts Per Day
Hi Allan -

Interesting scripts here - the beginnings of a good idea, but in the end was less of a story, and more a case of some isolated incidents connected via the story line. It began as a well structured idea, but didn't know how to conclude itself.

Unfortunately it was badly written, and the dialogue was quite poor, and the descriptions were not what you would expect from a standard script.

p3. VO explanation makes no sense.
p4. Dialogue is cleary the same person - the characters need to be different - i.e not just you thinking for other people - try to get into another person's psych.

I felt that you needed to be less emotionally involved in your script - to be able to stand back a little bit - describe things clearly and with minimum fuss - you should write a script for the benefit of other people, but also show in the script how someone is thinking (so not 'he's never seen the phone before' - write how this is shown).

So some work needed - improve your writing skills etc, as there is potential here.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
24 Grams
Posted: June 6th, 2010, 11:50am Report to Moderator

Me? I always tell the truth...Even when I lie.

Posts Per Day
Hi all,

I didn't like this one. As SiColl007 said already you need to show not tell, this reads like a book rather than a script. There's 22 pages here and this could probably be condensed to 14 if you also removed the overly descriptive opening.

I also didn't get the point of the flashback...Ok that's how his daughter came about but it didn't really add anything else. I also don't get how he now becomes a hero all a sudden as opposed to what went on before. And finally it ends abruptly, no revelation, no conclusion, no closure. I take it you weren't intending to  write a longer script.

Back Fence Talk (22pgs)

Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006