Hank Grey and the Master-Piece of Shit by Teo González - Short, Comedy, Fantasy - A businessman with a large dose of self-importance gets home from work to find that some things escape his control. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Welp, didn't get it. That happens alot though.

Dialogue seemed okay. Hank should be (O.S.) on page 5 not (V.O.).

Other then that, since I didn't get it, not much to say. Don't even have an opinion.
Fucken waste of a post if you ask me. So why did I post this? Dunno.

Good luck, maybe some more enlightened folks can be of more help.

James

Not really James....

I didn't get it either.  And I even tried to read it again in order to get it.

I think this was supposed to be a kind of joke with a punch line.  Maybe the author edited it and deleted out something that was critical to the story.  Maybe not - who the hell knows?

The formatting was ok.  I didn't really care for the dialogue, it seemed a bit too on the nose for me.

I sincerely hope this guy is around to explain it.

Phew, I thought it was just me.

I gotta repeat what's been said unfortunately. Well written, genuine dialogue but the actual point of it passed me by.

Ok having read how this plays out, and the length of the script, I figured this might be an entry from last month's Movie Poet comp. So I had a look over there and I was right, although I see you have changed the title.

The general reaction seemed to be that people didn't understand it, the same as on here. But there was no explanation of the story after the results were announced so I don't imagine you are going to offer up one on here either.

Would be good form to acknowledge the people who have commented on your work and try to answer some of their questions. More likely to get reads in the future that way.

Cheers,
Tim.

yes, definitely some thing i like about it. it's a bit too esoteric, but from a pure experience standpoint, it does something...

Thanks for the reviews, guys.

The reason why I didn't post before was because I didn't even know that had been posted. No need for threats, but certainly feel free not to read anything else I'm allowed to post if that is your wish.

Yes, this script was on Moviepoet. The reasons why I didn't give explanations there are, fisrt, that I thought the questions to be rethorical more than actual interest, and, second, that people who's already read the story have alredy made they minds whether they like it or not, and I don't dare to intend to change their veredict. Most people didn't like it, and I'm ok with that -which is not the same as saying I wouldn't prefer if they did like it.

Aparently, I was wrong at least in one of those conclusions: My bad, and my apologies for that.

Locally, a couple of people got what this story is about, which is as much as I can aspire.

I changed the title because the previous one was misleading whereas to the subject of the story and the main character. The former name was Doreen's Portrait, in honor to Wilde's The Portrait of Dorian Gray. So, yes, Hank Grey's daughter is Doreen Grey. But he story is actually about Hank, not about Doreen. So I changed the title after Matias Caruso's suggestion -and with his permission, in case someone wonders.

The story has, of course, no mystery. Hank's family is as disfunctional as the Bundy family in Married with Children. Hank is a guy that has worked hard to get where he's got, and along the way he's lost contact with the things that actually matter in life. He can't even buy his daughter a gift for her eighteen birthday.

So what happens is that Doreen picks her own gift, which is a portrait by Basil -same painter's name as in Wilde's piece- an artist that works wonders with the paintbrush.

Only Basil works wonders with something else than the brush. He's a real womanizer, as it is the artist in The Draughtman's Contract. Like the Draughtman, Basil wants something else besides the pay. Something that Doreen is willing to give him. But the thing is that Basil is also capable of something so remarkable as to bring to life what he paints -hence how he is so well recommended.

The thing with his car changing from a sports car to a rattrap and back was simply a representation of how disconnected Hank's and Basil' worlds are. And it is also an indication of the extent of Basil's powers.

What about the last line -Hank's “we're going shopping”? That's character arc. Hank realizing that he has to change and be more of a father than the guy that pays for his daughters gifts.

Like I said earlier, I don't expect that you guys will like the piece now better, but at least I hope you won't have doubts about it either.

Cheers,

t

Quoted from dotsandrops So I changed the title after Matias Caruso's suggestion...

And even listening to that hack is your first mistake.

Eye catching title. Caught my eye anyyou.

Well, I am a foul mouthed fucking cunt. At the besta times. Aho.

So. On to it. Seems good enough. I don't like colons, even half ones. Looks like "Hey I'm clever" to me. Airs and graces. Can be worse than the bottle descent. Oh yes.

Not novel. No. Script. Film please.

Two more pints please, your grace.

Lost you already? Oh dear. Expensive.

Stop babbling. Er, okey diddly dokey pokey.

Overall some good ideas and some good writing. Bit too clever, if you ask me. Which you didn't. Fair play hey hay.

Keep it vertical.

eR

If only that was fisrt million mistake! but I'm afraid not.

Pity you dislike the colon family. But it is there for a reason, and they do what no one else do.

They make me sound pretentious? What can I say: That's the smallest of my faults. No one prise me for my bad genes; I'm not apologizin for my good ones.

Vertical,yes. And to hell with adverbs, too.

t

Dots, thought purplefilms wrote this the way he/she was defending it last week. There's been some posts deleted from this thread. Bit of an argument.

Obviously your story is not for the mainstream. I know nothing of those you referenced in your explanation, so it didn't help. Feel free to call me daft, wouldn't be the first time.

Good to see you post though.

James

James, I'm the last monkey in the line. How could I call anyone names?

All I can say is that I wrote this story with the intention that people would like it, that they'd be entertained for five minutes.

Thinking anything else is thoughtless -like, I wrote it for people not to like it. A break, please; I make a living out of other people's opinions.

So, I don't call you -nor anyone else- daft, but you have all my respect regardless of your opinion on my work.

I'm sorry I missed the debate, though.

Take care,

t

Even after reading the author's explantion, I still don't get this story.

Teo,

I enjoyed this little piece of imagination.

The title grabbed me because I am sick of pedestrian writing; zombies, vampires, fan-fiction, stories about writers, et al... and I knew this was going to be an attempt at something original. And it was. For that, I enjoyed it.

It was a little confusing, but such is the case when you try to crowd too many characters into a short situation.

I really like the painting coming to life, the birds flitting away. However, it did not further the story. Things in screenplays mean, and further the story, and, in doing so, draw us into the conflict. When they do not further the action, people become confused or uninterested.

I loved the nod to Dorian Grey - Doreen Grey.
I really think you missed the point of the story by not focusing on Doreen and Basil. I think there's a gem buried in the soil of this piece.

Hank makes a great antagonist, and Doreen a great protagonist. Flipping the focus, as you did, can make for an interesting read. Or, can make for a confusing story if not executed properly. As is the case here.

However, taking a chance and experimenting with form as you did is admirable. And for that, I applaud you.
Keep it up, you can only get better!

-Daniel

Sorry, Rich -- not much I can do. I already said that I didn't think explanations would do.

Daniel, thanks for the review.
I know I didn't miss the point of the story, though.

Hank is no antagonist. He is the protagonist in a world turned against him. That is the essence of his character (and, as we know, character is story).

Whether I was able to pull it off or not is still up for grabs -- regardless of whatever the majority says.

::::::::::::::: and then ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Mate,

Sometimes you got to do what you got to do.  And believe me, no one is more stubborn than me about changing their scripts.   I can totally understand where you are coming from.

However, sometimes you have to step back and look at what the feedback is and decide if that script is doing what you want to achieve.  And if it isn't then you need to either change the script or what you want to achieve from it.  Make sense?

From the proceedings here I would say your script is not doing what you want it to achieve.  Clearly you have quite a narrative you were trying to convey with this script.  You wrote a long post about it.  This is obviously what you were trying to achieve.

And clearly no one got it, most people didn't even get it after your explanation.  Not here, not on Movie Poet. So you did not achieve what you hoped to achieve with this script.  

Therefore, either the script should change or what you are trying to achieve with it should change.

And I'm not trying to criticize you as a writer here - I thought you did a pretty good job with the actual writing - but I believe you should learn to deal with your feedback in a more constructive manner.    

I hear you Michael.

Funny thing is, I'm no that stubborn to change a script. I changed the title and a number of other things because of some sound suggestions.

Now, someone suggests that I change the story... well, that's another story.

It is not so much, I believe, that I dismiss feedback that disagrees with my  intention as it is that I have no interest in writing Doreen's story. I'm not saying that hers would be a bad story, but it is Hank's the one in which I was interested.

It sunk!

Then - Women and children first!

Teo

Quoted from dotsandrops If only that was fisrt million mistake! but I'm afraid not. Pity you dislike the colon family. But it is there for a reason, and they do what no one else do. They make me sound pretentious? What can I say: That's the smallest of my faults. No one prise me for my bad genes; I'm not apologizin for my good ones. Vertical,yes. And to hell with adverbs, too. t

I regret. Not often. Er, hang on. Now.

I didn't use the word pretentious. As you well know. Your last line made me nearly fall off my chair laughing.

I do give credit where due. And that reply to my post was one of the best I have so far received.

Keep it cooking fella.

R x

Quoted from dotsandrops I hear you Michael. Funny thing is, I'm no that stubborn to change a script. I changed the title and a number of other things because of some sound suggestions. Now, someone suggests that I change the story... well, that's another story. It is not so much, I believe, that I dismiss feedback that disagrees with my  intention as it is that I have no interest in writing Doreen's story. I'm not saying that hers would be a bad story, but it is Hank's the one in which I was interested. It sunk! Then - Women and children first! Teo

Teo,

I don't think the story you described is bad.  In the script, you just need to convey it to us in a way we would better understand.

You can't always assume a reader will understand what you're thinking. Subtlety doesn't work very well in scripts - so sometimes you need to hit the reader over the head.  It's better to err on the side of being too obvious of having too much there because you can always cut what isn't needed.    

Teo,

Clearly you are thinking on more than one level with your script. The point of it passed me too, but your insight and actual writing ability in pure terms demo that you have a lot of potential. I think it's a more a case of focus. While I partly agree with Mike about the opportunity to cut fat at a later point, I think that hitting your audience over the head will result in an average script. Most of the produced scripts that either breakthrough or are just damn good, have that element of subtlety and nuance. It's then up to the director to fashion something that gives the script true life.

I think its about finding the right balance between focus and ambiguity when writing.

Andrew

Ren, Michael, Andrew, and everyone else: Thanks for the inputs and the undeserved kind words.  I mean it.

Teo

Hi,

Ok I get it now... A bit too sub textual for me. It didn't read like a script though...more like a short story. Teo, its funny you have to explain your script, your script is meant to do the explaining for you. You mention things in your explanation such as Basil being a womanizer I wouldn't have known that from your script, or you say he doesn't want pay but I remember him asking for money on the bottom of page 4. And the stuff about him bringing paintings to life (hey, why doesn't he just paint himself women...or in fact Doreen instead of birds). Heck, this is too nitpicky...The script is fine.

I could imagine this being done as a cartoon though...A grown up cartoon that is.

Hey, Teo, I read your explanation of the script, but still you didn't tell us why you have to make the birds in the painting coming to life. I know that's the theme of the MP contest in March, so you had to bring something to life, but its happening must be significant and self-explanatory. Right now the birds flying away feel very random.

One more thing, the script feels like several scenes stitched together rather than a story. Is there any consequence if Doreen lose Basil? What's at stake for Hank if Doreen disobey him and follows Basil? The answers to these questions will make your script more interesting.

Hope it helps.

24, you hit the "explaining the story" subject right on the head. That's why I didn't see the point of explaining it in the first place -and why I won't answer more questions now, either, if I may. Nonetheless, I thank you for your input. The cartoon idea is a good one.

Coding, same as above. I won't explain further or answer more questions because is not going to make anything more clear but rather generate more questions. Instead, I'll take your doubts as areas in need of work. I appreciate very much your feedback. It does help. Thanks.

Teo