11 by Khamanna Iskandarova - Short, Comedy - A boy courts a girl before asking her out. But who is really courting who - that is the question. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Khamanna,

Honestly, this didn't do much for me.  It was a little too cute.  But I'm sure there's an audience out there for it.   It'd be interesting to hear a kid's opinion of this story.  Maybe you could ask one of the SS members to have their kid to read it and write a review.  In any event, kudos for writing something different and with a G rating.   8)

I'm gone, but Khamanna brings me back?!

See you twelve from now.

Love

khamanna,

i liked it

a good effort at developing a storyline with kids at that early age of innocence before their hormones kick in.

The boy and his wingman jr. were cute as was the girl and her entourage.

the twist was okay: (spoiler)  there is another handbook in the possession of your competitor.

it might have upped the stakes a bit if his handbook was stolen with the fear of being revealed.

basic writing style.

gary

Thanks guys for the feedback.

I submitted this to Moviepoet few months ago but changed couple things and decided to chip in here.

@screenrider - plain "work" or "doesn't work" is as good as detailed feedback for me, so thanks. I wanted a reaction and I got it from you.

@Sandra - thanks (?). Since what you wrote is a little ambiguous, I chose to believe that you read the story and liked it! "See you twelve from now" to you too:)

@grademan - thanks. and for the handbook idea too - will think about it someday. I didn't intend another handbook as a twist, - the fact that she liked him is... it actually is pretty predictable, but all romantic stuff is...unless someone dies in them:) --and I resent bad endings. The catch is the stuff he does for a flirt - in a way he's taming her. Only to find out that she's in love with him too, otherwise she would have stopped him in his tracks before he reached #2.

Thanks.

Hey Khamanna,

I thought this was an interesting title, so I decided to give it a read.  I thought it was a cute little story.  I thnk you have the makings of a lil' Ferris Bueller here.

My initial reaction was that maybe you should make these characters a little older, but after reading, I think that might take away from some of the innocence of the piece.

My one quibble was with the initial description of Margie that you provided.  Describing her as vivacious, rung a little odd for me.  I realize that she was supposed to be the "it" girl, but considering their ages, I think I would change that.

All in all, as I mentioned, I thought this was a nice, sweet little piece.  Nice job.

Craig

Thanks Craig. You know it's not the first time I head "vivacious" is not fitting and I'm definitely going to change that. I'm glad you liked it.

Which one of yours you'd want me to read? I have never read any of your stuff and I gladly will.  I see you have four here, I'll read some anyway, but maybe there's one you would want more opinions on?

Hi Khama,

This is sweet, but strange. There are also some plot points that you might want to clarify.

First, I didn't get why Trevor needs to do all these weird things before asking Margie out. There should be some reasons behind his motivation, such as changing her name and eating her lunch.

It was a nice surprise that Margie has her notebook, but it's just too much of a coincidence that her rules exactly countered what Trevor did to her.

Some of the dialogue doesn't sound like coming from a 10-year-old:

- "It's very thoughtful of you, but I'll pass."
- "Okay, Trevor. I'll be waiting for you in the classroom. Let's talk."

Maybe you can make their speech more fragmented instead of entire sentences.

Not bad, but somethings to tweak.


Herman

Hi,

I liked this a lot.  The story and writing both were clear and concise, and the pacing was good.  Your dialogue was what sold it.  Snappy, fun, clever enough to keep us interested but, for the most part, realistic enough to keep us grounded.

I didn't get the name changing thing when I read it.  He's trying to nickname her, I guess?  I think what threw me off there was that "Margo" doesn't sound to me like a particularly endearing nickname.  

I agree with Coding about "It's very thoughtful of you".  That threw me off, especially as it's her first (I think?) line.

Nice work!  Thanks for the cheerful little story.

Hi Herman, I've changed the story a bit since I placed it on Moviepoet and I just went back to check your review - seems like the story made a little more sense to you this time - therefore, it's a good progress for me and the changes were all good I suppose. Thanks for an honest review.

@heretic - thanks for a read. Don't remember if I ever read anything from you, I'll look out for your stuff.

I see how the name thing can be confusing. Since he's "taming" her he wants to show her who is the man and hence all the silliness.
Glad you liked it!

Hi Khamanna,

Very cute story you have here, very well written, too. My only minor complaint would be that a couple of lines didn't sound like they'd come from a 10 year old, maybe just a little too smart for them. This is a trap we all fall in to when writing a kid character at some point.

Otherwise, good work! It left me with a smile on my face for sure.

Brian

Thanks for checking it out, Brian.
Them being too mature for their age - I get it from every reviewer. I thought it adds to the pathos...
Glad to know you liked it!

Hi Khamanna,

I thought this was a good read.  A nice cute story.  Quick & easy to read, that's how I like'm.

I would say delete intellectual as you can't see it, but I'd say you can perceive it, so maybe add or change it.

All the best,


Javier

Thanks Javier for taking a look. Glad you liked it.
People complained about intellectual before - I better take it down. I added it for the tone.

I haven't read any of your scripts, planning to do so now.

Cute story, but the references to the sandwiches made me get up and eat some.

Quoted from TheRichcraft Cute story, but the references to the sandwiches made me get up and eat some.

Glad you liked it! And what can I say... I'm sorry perhaps.

No doubt this is an amusing story. My only suggestion is to consider aging up the characters since it feels to me like it might play better with them older. It's also true that it'll be a lot easier to produce with older than 10 year old actors.

Philip

Thank you Phiip. I was actually going to..., the part where he fishes a flower out of his pants concerns me a little - if the kids are older it'll take away from the innocence. But perhaps 12 is better age for it.

Thanks!

khamanna

This was rather good. One could say its a little too cute or quirky or that these kids  are remarkably adroit for 10 year olds, sounding like they just walked off the set of out of a Wes Anderson film...but I still liked it.

You certainly have a voice, I for you, could never see myself writing something with this sort of tone or character. It possesses that rare, off beat originality you don't find much elsewhere (the aforementioned Anderson being one such example). A sweet little story to boot too and a fittingly happy ending that I couldn't help being won over by...and I never really go for sweet little stories with happy endings but this was tactfully done.

Nice work.

Col.

I never thanked you Col, I'm sorry. Anyway, better late than never:)) - thank you for the read and I'll look through your stuff and read something unless there's a particular request from you.

If you can recommend something from Wes Anderson please do - I'll ask that on your thread as well in case you don't see this here.

Khamanna,

This is a pretty pleasant read and a cutesy subject matter.
There was nothing in your format that tripped me up.
The "pot flowers" read a little weird, as well as "reaching down his pants".
I know what you meant, but those can be easily misinterpreted.
A distraction like that risks derailing readers from your work.
I felt that Trevor and Bob were pretty interchangeable. Just have one boy?
It's neat that Margie has a book too, but highly coincidental.
Perhaps a back story for the books would be helpful?
Maybe Trevor discovered it hidden in the classroom, left by a previous class year.
Something like that would eliminate the plot convenience factor.

Thanks for posting and keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Very cute story. I'm surprised I haven't read any of your work. Got to write it in my "Who should I read" notebook. lol.

I think you can make the scene with the flowers a bit simpler. I felt bad for the boy  when he searched for the flower.

I didn't get the sandwitches. It's just probably me.

I think the backstory for this could be that the boy and girl like to plan their stragedy (hope I spelled this correctly).

hope this helps,
Gabe

I like this. It was fun to picture these witty 10 year olds.

I disagree with those saying it's too much of a coincidence with the two notebooks. I think it works perfectly in this story. I like the back and forth at the end with the rules all coming together, and how they're both trying to get the upper hand but really just want the same thing.

After he called her Margie at the flower part, I was waiting for an explanation for why he didn't call her Margo. Sure enough, it was her rule #9 and it didn't disappoint.

Nice work.


I know I'm a little late here but if you're still looking for Wes Anderson stuff, I'd just watch all his flicks in order. There's only 6 of them so it shouldn't be too hard.

Khamanna,

Just gave this a read.  I thought it was pretty cute, but I could never, for the life of me, picture any of this being between two 10 year olds.  I know that you try to cover that up by writing "an intellectual" at the beginning, but I think you were just asking too much from us on this one.  I feel like you could easily increase their age a bit and maybe make some of the stuff that happens a little more mature.  Some might say it'd be "too cute" for older kids, but I think it would have a certain sweetness to it.

Also, I don't know of a lot of 10 year olds interested in dating like Trevor is.   In fact, I don't know of any 10 year olds who go to the movies with a date (let alone have parents who let them).

Other than that, like I said, it has the makings for a cute story, I would just fix it up a bit.

-Matt

Quoted from Electric Dreamer The "pot flowers" read a little weird, as well as "reaching down his pants". I know what you meant, but those can be easily misinterpreted.

This is what I wanted visually. He puts his hand inside his pants and the girls go whew, shocked.

Thanks for reading E.D. I appreciate your comments. I'll see if someone else mentions these other things you said - so far no one was distracted by them (the convenience of the notebooks, one boy instead of two etc). If someone else complains I'll need to start thinking about it I guess.

THanks.

@Mr. Ripley

Thanks for the read, Mr. Ripley. I liked that you liked it.

Quoted from Mr. Ripley I didn't get the sandwitches. It's just probably me.

He wants to distract her with something offensive (and offering to finish his sandwich is very offensive to a girl!) :)
But it's okay if you still don't understand it:)



@Shane,
Thanks, Shane. For the read and for the fact that you liked it:) I'm really happy to hear that.
I've never watched anything of Wes Anderson, heard people suggesting me to read him several times but can't find any of his stuff. If you have anything could you please send it to khamanna@hotmail.com?
Thanks!



@Dressel,
several said what you said. Before they were 9. I made them 11. I have a 10 year old at home (witty and sharp), maybe I'm writing off her too much. But several said it, so I don't know what to do here. I was advised not to make them older by some too. I guess I'll just have to return to it later and read it with fresh eyes.

Thanks.

The first of yous I have read and it has certainly encouraged me to read more. The story would maybe work better with slightly older children and with a slightly reduced finale, 'cos it was clear what would happen and the extended nature of it didn't really benefit the story that much. Good writing style and I agree with Col that's pretty offbeat and original.

Nice work.

Thanks Andrew for the read. I think that I have to bump those kids to 12, or even 13 after all:)

The end of it - I thought I rewrote it with the inclusion "my mom will chaperone" (Trevor has to say it at the end) and I see now that I didn't. Anyway, I'm going to fix the ending and decide on the  age.

Thanks again.

Hey Khamanna,

I have to disagree with what everybody else is saying about making the character's older.  I don't think people are realizing how much smarter children are getting nowadays.  If anything, I'd probably say drop them down to 2nd grade, (7 or 8 years old.)

My girlfriend's son is in 2nd grade and he has a crush on a girl at school.  (I talked to his older sister who goes to the same school, and found out that the girl likes him back and they are now an 'item'.)

I think it was a very cute story and left me with a good feeling.  I would've liked to have seen some more of the other rules and how Margie counters them.  I understand this was for MoviePoet and can't go over a certain page, but now that you don't have that restriction, maybe you can expand it a little?

Quoted from 11 He’ll forget all about the new name the next day, I promise you that. P.S. Margo is gone, we are back to Margie again.

I loved that!  That was my favorite part!

I'd probably work on your action blocks a little bit better, though.  I got confused a couple times because I couldn't see the scene playing out or where exactly everybody was.  For instance, your first scene is in a classroom, but they're eating lunch.  We were never aloud to eat in the classrooms.  I just think the action blocks need clarified more.

It was still very cute and enjoyable though.

Have a good one.

- Mark

Thank you for the read, Mark. And I'm really happy you want me to expand on the tricks (although I can't think up of any right now:)) but that means to me that you enjoyed his tricks and his character. Sorry to confuse you with my action blocks - I'll look into it.

Thanks

Khamanna,

I liked this.  A lot of the stuff in here is based off the kind of stuff that happened on the playground.  Good use of it.  

The minor characters, I think, were interchangeable and for a 6 page short I think you can drop one (Trevor or Bob).  You can pretty much get your point across with only one of those characters present.  

But this was very nice.  I enjoyed it.

Nice job!

Greg

Having finished reading this I noticed it has been posted a while and there is a fair amount of feedback, but for what it's worth here is my take.

In essence this is only five pages long so not much time to string a story. Like others have mentioned it is heart warming and most young men will relate to the difficulty in asking "the girl", but as with others I felt the dialogue and scenes were reflective of older kids.

I liked the wingman element but could there be more to gain or lose through failure? A bet? A rival?

I also thought there was an imbalance between having the confidence to act up in front of a group but being timid in front of here alone. Most find it the other way round. Also what            
attribute does she like that makes her put up this show?

Otherwise enjoyable and always food for thought.

since someone revived this thread, i might as well put in my two cents.

objectively speaking, this script was fairly good. some of the narration need to be revised (ie pot flowers). there were several spots where i wasnt exactly sure what was going on. took a moment or two and then i was back on track. as a writer, you dont want to lose your audience, even momentarily, so it's important to keep things clear and concise.

as far as the age thing goes, i found it INCREDIBLY hard to believe. but its not that kids aren't smart at that age. instead, it's that kids dont act that suave. no kid is running around with a notebook, taking notes on how to pick girls up. most boys that age still think girls are icky. and when crushes do pop up (which they definitely do at that age), its very light spirited. if anything, the kid's friend should think he's crazy for trying to pick girls up. balance the main character's casanova behavior with something a little more plausible.

unfortunately i couldnt quite share the optimism of my fellow posters. personally, i would never go for something like this. but that's just me and doesnt reflect the script's impact (although it did very little for me). on the flip side, writing a story around kids is hard. i would love to check out more of your work that involves adults. i think you have a unique voice and that counts for a lot these days.

quick thought. perhaps have the kids misreading cosmo, maxim, etc relationship advice that they discovered? perhaps they stumble upon an older sister's magazine and they misread the info and act it out unknowingly in a G rated manner?

Quick and entertaining read. It had me flipping the pages to see what happens next.
I agree with grademan, in that, the stakes would be raised higher if (SPOILER) Trevor was worried about someone reading his book, then found out it's in Margie's possession, before revealing the twist.
Overall, this was a fun little story. Good job.

-Devin

Oh, I didn't know people are still reading this!

Thank you!
@Greg,
@Reef
@Albinopenquin
@Devinrush
I really appreciate the feedback and will look closely into your comments (each one of you) I skimmed through - good food for thought, thanks!

Today it's too late:) but I will very soon.
And post some news on this! Hopefully...:)

This was a cute little tale.  :)

I'm not sure about the ages of the kids though. I think you could even go with a much younger age, like 6 or 7 because it kinda reminded me of Darla and Alfalfa.  :)

I liked the twist, too. Cute.

Cindy

Thanks for the look, Cindy! Never watched Darla and Alfaalfa.

I wrote a comics on the basis of this script and sold (almost) it to a Russian company (two versions - English and Russian). I kept the rights to the screenplay.

When they develop it they'll put it on itunes for purchase.

I say "sold almost" because although the contract's been signed but the question of payment transfer is up... and looks like it will be up for a while.

Hey Khamanna,

Again like many times before, “cute” is the correct word to describe this short. Apart from the odd typo, found the writing decent, fast and well done.

The story was nice but I agree with previous posters about the ages but to be different, I wondered if they could be younger? I did enjoy the “pulling” of the flower from his pants, very original and a funny way to impress a girl, might try that one myself. ;D

Overall a nice little tale with a good happy ending.

Good work. :)

Steve

I think the ages are fairly accurate for the feelings of the children.  I was probably around ten when I developed my first crush.  Just like Charlie Brown, it was the little red headed girl.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the way this was written.  Very crisp and easy to understand.  The dialogue was good, but perhaps a little advanced for the characters ages.  Although, it was 1975 when I was that age, so I'm not entirely certain how kids of that age interact these days.  I do know kids are more advanced now.  Perhaps in all ways.

I found the Darla and Alfalfa analogy quite apropos.  Oh, Waldo!  :)

I enjoyed reading this.  I think it would film very well as a short.  Good film festival stuff!

Hey Steve and Steven!
Thank you for reading it!

@Steve (coopBazinga) - I had younger but they advised older, so the kids are 11 in this version:) See, some say younger, some older... but I know why you say younger - because of Trevor pulling the flower out of his pants. Yeah, if they are older that would take away some innocence from the piece and I wouldn't want that.
Thanks for the read!

@Steven (Steven8) - thanks, I like that you liked it! You know a few asked about it, even promised a short. But still I got nothing on it yet, except for that comics.
I even had a British college professor who asked me about my background and the short's background - how I came up with it... --he was all over it and was so going to film it, only to disappear suddenly. Eh...
I probably shouldn't post this not to scare other potential producers away:)
Thanks for the look!

Quoted from khamanna Thanks for the look, Cindy! Never watched Darla and Alfaalfa. I wrote a comics on the basis of this script and sold (almost) it to a Russian company (two versions - English and Russian). I kept the rights to the screenplay. When they develop it they'll put it on itunes for purchase. I say "sold almost" because although the contract's been signed but the question of payment transfer is up... and looks like it will be up for a while.

Hi khamanna,

I think if you've never seen Little Rascals (not just the movie, but the 1/2 hour shorts from the 20s and 30s) you are really missing something. You should check them out.

Good luck with your comics and the script.

Cindy

I really dug this, reminds me of old middle school crushes, if only I had a book to help me back then. Good luck with this, it deserves to get made for sure.

I really like this script a whole lot!

Even tho the kids talking in whole sentences might not be realistic-somehow the feel of the piece which has a nice oddness, combined with the whole sentences works for me here in this instance.

12 years old I would put the kids. I have a 12 year old and I can see him and a girl he likes talking like this. Very verbal children sometimes do talk like this in fact.

I could see maybe producing this one day.

Thanks.

It has a feel of the writing of Wes Anderson's films.

Khamanna,

Wow. Your story has been kicking around for a while.  I enjoyed it AND would very like to see a re-write now that several years seem to have passed since you wrote it.

Childish innocence is timeless and enjoyed even by those who have been around since dinosaurs roamed the earth.

And yes, little and even big girls aren't hard to catch when they want to get caught.

John

Thanks John - I'm glad you liked it!

It's interesting - someone revives this one from time to time. I have many other scripts on the site but they never get any attention.
Could it be the logline? Oh no, I must be dreaming:)))