11 by Khamanna Iskandarova - Short, Comedy - A boy courts a girl before asking her out. But who is really courting who - that is the question. 6 pages - pdf, format

Khamanna,

Honestly, this didn't do much for me.  It was a little too cute.  But I'm sure there's an audience out there for it.   It'd be interesting to hear a kid's opinion of this story.  Maybe you could ask one of the SS members to have their kid to read it and write a review.  In any event, kudos for writing something different and with a G rating.  

I'm gone, but Khamanna brings me back?!

See you twelve from now.

Love

khamanna,

i liked it

a good effort at developing a storyline with kids at that early age of innocence before their hormones kick in.

The boy and his wingman jr. were cute as was the girl and her entourage.

the twist was okay: (spoiler)  there is another handbook in the possession of your competitor.

it might have upped the stakes a bit if his handbook was stolen with the fear of being revealed.

basic writing style.

gary

Thanks guys for the feedback.

I submitted this to Moviepoet few months ago but changed couple things and decided to chip in here.

@screenrider - plain "work" or "doesn't work" is as good as detailed feedback for me, so thanks. I wanted a reaction and I got it from you.

@Sandra - thanks (?). Since what you wrote is a little ambiguous, I chose to believe that you read the story and liked it! "See you twelve from now" to you too

@grademan - thanks. and for the handbook idea too - will think about it someday. I didn't intend another handbook as a twist, - the fact that she liked him is... it actually is pretty predictable, but all romantic stuff is...unless someone dies in them --and I resent bad endings. The catch is the stuff he does for a flirt - in a way he's taming her. Only to find out that she's in love with him too, otherwise she would have stopped him in his tracks before he reached #2.

Thanks.

Hey Khamanna,

I thought this was an interesting title, so I decided to give it a read.  I thought it was a cute little story.  I thnk you have the makings of a lil' Ferris Bueller here.

My initial reaction was that maybe you should make these characters a little older, but after reading, I think that might take away from some of the innocence of the piece.

My one quibble was with the initial description of Margie that you provided.  Describing her as vivacious, rung a little odd for me.  I realize that she was supposed to be the "it" girl, but considering their ages, I think I would change that.

All in all, as I mentioned, I thought this was a nice, sweet little piece.  Nice job.

Craig

Thanks Craig. You know it's not the first time I head "vivacious" is not fitting and I'm definitely going to change that. I'm glad you liked it.

Which one of yours you'd want me to read? I have never read any of your stuff and I gladly will.  I see you have four here, I'll read some anyway, but maybe there's one you would want more opinions on?

Hi Khama,

This is sweet, but strange. There are also some plot points that you might want to clarify.

First, I didn't get why Trevor needs to do all these weird things before asking Margie out. There should be some reasons behind his motivation, such as changing her name and eating her lunch.

It was a nice surprise that Margie has her notebook, but it's just too much of a coincidence that her rules exactly countered what Trevor did to her.

Some of the dialogue doesn't sound like coming from a 10-year-old:

- "It's very thoughtful of you, but I'll pass."
- "Okay, Trevor. I'll be waiting for you in the classroom. Let's talk."

Maybe you can make their speech more fragmented instead of entire sentences.

Not bad, but somethings to tweak.


Herman

Hi,

I liked this a lot.  The story and writing both were clear and concise, and the pacing was good.  Your dialogue was what sold it.  Snappy, fun, clever enough to keep us interested but, for the most part, realistic enough to keep us grounded.

I didn't get the name changing thing when I read it.  He's trying to nickname her, I guess?  I think what threw me off there was that "Margo" doesn't sound to me like a particularly endearing nickname.  

I agree with Coding about "It's very thoughtful of you".  That threw me off, especially as it's her first (I think?) line.

Nice work!  Thanks for the cheerful little story.

Hi Herman, I've changed the story a bit since I placed it on Moviepoet and I just went back to check your review - seems like the story made a little more sense to you this time - therefore, it's a good progress for me and the changes were all good I suppose. Thanks for an honest review.

@heretic - thanks for a read. Don't remember if I ever read anything from you, I'll look out for your stuff.

I see how the name thing can be confusing. Since he's "taming" her he wants to show her who is the man and hence all the silliness.
Glad you liked it!

Hi Khamanna,

Very cute story you have here, very well written, too. My only minor complaint would be that a couple of lines didn't sound like they'd come from a 10 year old, maybe just a little too smart for them. This is a trap we all fall in to when writing a kid character at some point.

Otherwise, good work! It left me with a smile on my face for sure.

Brian

Thanks for checking it out, Brian.
Them being too mature for their age - I get it from every reviewer. I thought it adds to the pathos...
Glad to know you liked it!

Hi Khamanna,

I thought this was a good read.  A nice cute story.  Quick & easy to read, that's how I like'm.

I would say delete intellectual as you can't see it, but I'd say you can perceive it, so maybe add or change it.

All the best,


Javier

Thanks Javier for taking a look. Glad you liked it.
People complained about intellectual before - I better take it down. I added it for the tone.

I haven't read any of your scripts, planning to do so now.

Cute story, but the references to the sandwiches made me get up and eat some.