Quoted from TheRichcraft Cute story, but the references to the sandwiches made me get up and eat some.

Glad you liked it! And what can I say... I'm sorry perhaps.

No doubt this is an amusing story. My only suggestion is to consider aging up the characters since it feels to me like it might play better with them older. It's also true that it'll be a lot easier to produce with older than 10 year old actors.

Philip

Thank you Phiip. I was actually going to..., the part where he fishes a flower out of his pants concerns me a little - if the kids are older it'll take away from the innocence. But perhaps 12 is better age for it.

Thanks!

khamanna

This was rather good. One could say its a little too cute or quirky or that these kids  are remarkably adroit for 10 year olds, sounding like they just walked off the set of out of a Wes Anderson film...but I still liked it.

You certainly have a voice, I for you, could never see myself writing something with this sort of tone or character. It possesses that rare, off beat originality you don't find much elsewhere (the aforementioned Anderson being one such example). A sweet little story to boot too and a fittingly happy ending that I couldn't help being won over by...and I never really go for sweet little stories with happy endings but this was tactfully done.

Nice work.

Col.

I never thanked you Col, I'm sorry. Anyway, better late than never) - thank you for the read and I'll look through your stuff and read something unless there's a particular request from you.

If you can recommend something from Wes Anderson please do - I'll ask that on your thread as well in case you don't see this here.

Khamanna,

This is a pretty pleasant read and a cutesy subject matter.
There was nothing in your format that tripped me up.
The "pot flowers" read a little weird, as well as "reaching down his pants".
I know what you meant, but those can be easily misinterpreted.
A distraction like that risks derailing readers from your work.
I felt that Trevor and Bob were pretty interchangeable. Just have one boy?
It's neat that Margie has a book too, but highly coincidental.
Perhaps a back story for the books would be helpful?
Maybe Trevor discovered it hidden in the classroom, left by a previous class year.
Something like that would eliminate the plot convenience factor.

Thanks for posting and keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Very cute story. I'm surprised I haven't read any of your work. Got to write it in my "Who should I read" notebook. lol.

I think you can make the scene with the flowers a bit simpler. I felt bad for the boy  when he searched for the flower.

I didn't get the sandwitches. It's just probably me.

I think the backstory for this could be that the boy and girl like to plan their stragedy (hope I spelled this correctly).

hope this helps,
Gabe

I like this. It was fun to picture these witty 10 year olds.

I disagree with those saying it's too much of a coincidence with the two notebooks. I think it works perfectly in this story. I like the back and forth at the end with the rules all coming together, and how they're both trying to get the upper hand but really just want the same thing.

After he called her Margie at the flower part, I was waiting for an explanation for why he didn't call her Margo. Sure enough, it was her rule #9 and it didn't disappoint.

Nice work.


I know I'm a little late here but if you're still looking for Wes Anderson stuff, I'd just watch all his flicks in order. There's only 6 of them so it shouldn't be too hard.

Khamanna,

Just gave this a read.  I thought it was pretty cute, but I could never, for the life of me, picture any of this being between two 10 year olds.  I know that you try to cover that up by writing "an intellectual" at the beginning, but I think you were just asking too much from us on this one.  I feel like you could easily increase their age a bit and maybe make some of the stuff that happens a little more mature.  Some might say it'd be "too cute" for older kids, but I think it would have a certain sweetness to it.

Also, I don't know of a lot of 10 year olds interested in dating like Trevor is.   In fact, I don't know of any 10 year olds who go to the movies with a date (let alone have parents who let them).

Other than that, like I said, it has the makings for a cute story, I would just fix it up a bit.

-Matt

Quoted from Electric Dreamer The "pot flowers" read a little weird, as well as "reaching down his pants". I know what you meant, but those can be easily misinterpreted.

This is what I wanted visually. He puts his hand inside his pants and the girls go whew, shocked.

Thanks for reading E.D. I appreciate your comments. I'll see if someone else mentions these other things you said - so far no one was distracted by them (the convenience of the notebooks, one boy instead of two etc). If someone else complains I'll need to start thinking about it I guess.

THanks.

@Mr. Ripley

Thanks for the read, Mr. Ripley. I liked that you liked it.

Quoted from Mr. Ripley I didn't get the sandwitches. It's just probably me.

He wants to distract her with something offensive (and offering to finish his sandwich is very offensive to a girl!)
But it's okay if you still don't understand it



@Shane,
Thanks, Shane. For the read and for the fact that you liked it I'm really happy to hear that.
I've never watched anything of Wes Anderson, heard people suggesting me to read him several times but can't find any of his stuff. If you have anything could you please send it to khamanna@hotmail.com?
Thanks!



@Dressel,
several said what you said. Before they were 9. I made them 11. I have a 10 year old at home (witty and sharp), maybe I'm writing off her too much. But several said it, so I don't know what to do here. I was advised not to make them older by some too. I guess I'll just have to return to it later and read it with fresh eyes.

Thanks.

The first of yous I have read and it has certainly encouraged me to read more. The story would maybe work better with slightly older children and with a slightly reduced finale, 'cos it was clear what would happen and the extended nature of it didn't really benefit the story that much. Good writing style and I agree with Col that's pretty offbeat and original.

Nice work.

Thanks Andrew for the read. I think that I have to bump those kids to 12, or even 13 after all

The end of it - I thought I rewrote it with the inclusion "my mom will chaperone" (Trevor has to say it at the end) and I see now that I didn't. Anyway, I'm going to fix the ending and decide on the  age.

Thanks again.

Hey Khamanna,

I have to disagree with what everybody else is saying about making the character's older.  I don't think people are realizing how much smarter children are getting nowadays.  If anything, I'd probably say drop them down to 2nd grade, (7 or 8 years old.)

My girlfriend's son is in 2nd grade and he has a crush on a girl at school.  (I talked to his older sister who goes to the same school, and found out that the girl likes him back and they are now an 'item'.)

I think it was a very cute story and left me with a good feeling.  I would've liked to have seen some more of the other rules and how Margie counters them.  I understand this was for MoviePoet and can't go over a certain page, but now that you don't have that restriction, maybe you can expand it a little?

Quoted from 11 He’ll forget all about the new name the next day, I promise you that. P.S. Margo is gone, we are back to Margie again.

I loved that!  That was my favorite part!

I'd probably work on your action blocks a little bit better, though.  I got confused a couple times because I couldn't see the scene playing out or where exactly everybody was.  For instance, your first scene is in a classroom, but they're eating lunch.  We were never aloud to eat in the classrooms.  I just think the action blocks need clarified more.

It was still very cute and enjoyable though.

Have a good one.

- Mark

Thank you for the read, Mark. And I'm really happy you want me to expand on the tricks (although I can't think up of any right now) but that means to me that you enjoyed his tricks and his character. Sorry to confuse you with my action blocks - I'll look into it.

Thanks

Khamanna,

I liked this.  A lot of the stuff in here is based off the kind of stuff that happened on the playground.  Good use of it.  

The minor characters, I think, were interchangeable and for a 6 page short I think you can drop one (Trevor or Bob).  You can pretty much get your point across with only one of those characters present.  

But this was very nice.  I enjoyed it.

Nice job!

Greg