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Just Murdered by Sean Elwood & Gabriel Moronta - Dark Comedy, Slasher - All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages - pdf format
It's a Zombie Sean and Mr. Ripley creation, a first time collaboration. Hopefully, it's the first of many collaborations. I wanna thank Sean for allowing me to be a part of this. It was a blast in developing this alongside him. But now, it's time to present it to the world and see what else we can work on. Like always, any feedback (positive, neutral, and even the negative) is appreciated.
What's up, Dudes? Hope you two have been well. Started reading your script. Here are some notes.
The opening 6 pages are engaging and very funny, but I'm not sure how it connects to the logline. That said, the writing is top-notch. Flows well. Snappy dialog, I got a good feel for each of the characters and they all seem distinct enough.
Seems much more like a comedy than a horror. The first death isn't even a murder, it's just an accident.
Okay, reading over the next few pages, I see where the opening ties into the logline. Really enjoyed the back and forth between Dan and Polly. I hope Polly is more than just a minor side character.
So Dan and Vivian haven't seen each other since the first grade? Kind of a stretch for Dan to assume he'd be given a bridesmaids spot. At least, IMO. (after reading further, this makes sense. Dan is a bit of a creep. "Desperate Dan" indeed. Lol)
"You know, he's the one that I joked with in school that we'd never date Tim?"
This line of dialog confused me. Did they use to joke that neither of them would ever date Tim? Or just that Dan would never date him?
Also, why is Shauna so antagonistic towards Dan?
Would the girls really be talking crap about Dan when he is just in the other room? Seems like they'd wait for him to leave before they start bashing him. However, I did enjoy Dan's reactions to their insults. Funny stuff.
Bottom of pg 17 - Vivian and Dan sit at the bar counter with drinks in front of them. -- Vivian should be Polly.
Gonna have to cut my review short here. Honestly, I'm enjoying this much more than I initially thought I would. Really funny story with some interesting characters. However, I'm a bit disappointed in the lack of horror. 17 pages in and not even a hint of horror.
Still, I'll be pushing forward and continuing this review either later tonight or tomorrow. Good stuff so far!
Sorry for the delay. All finished. Not gonna give detailed notes on the back half of the script. Don't wanna spoil any surprises.
I will say that you guys have put together a surprisingly funny slasher script. It's a really creative approach to the genre and one that I'm sure horror fans would get a real kick out of.
Once the "slasher" stuff kicks into full gear, I was all smiles. Some really awesome and fun kill sequences here.
The "twist" at the end isn't very hard to predict, but it was still satisfying to see it play out.
As for complaints... I don't have many. I'd say that the killers could use a more unique costume than just black clothes and a ski mask. That said, the biggest thing that irked me was the ending. It just... Stops.
Overall, I liked this a whole lot. It could use another draft to iron out the issues I mentioned above, but I think you guys have got a winner here. Thanks for sharing.
Hi guys, overall I like the story, good characters, great funny moments, it’s fun and entertaining. I wrote the story as I went and added my thoughts which have an *in front of it.
Opens with Stag girls celebrations
Introduction to the characters via a speech.
Frenchie brings out cock shaped cakes.
A police officer stripper arrives.
*Funny choking scene with stripper thinking she is enjoying him… Emma dies.
In hotel…Dan - gay Polly wedding planner. - stressed uptight Wednesday Adams type. Evil character. Likes to see pain.
Polly is horrible about the death, Dan is excited about being the replacement.
*Funny dialogue between Dan and Polly..
At viva apartment all girls there, feeling guilty about the death and carrying on.
*The dialogue..’viv, I just feel so awful…. Shauna it’s just wedding jitters.’ …needs something added. It feels unrealistic that viv doesn’t say …ah no, one of my bridesmaids just died, I think its that.! Since she is the straight one….there needs to be more emotion shown by viv about Emmas death. I feel like they brush her death off to easily. She is one of the ‘Golden Girls’….maybe show that they really did love her…even though they thought she was a prude. Show some kind of sentiment to her.
*I like the dating Tim joke between viv and Dan.
They discuss the need to either ax a groomsman or get a new bridesmaid.
Dan turns up he’s an old friend from school.
*I like the dating Tim joke between viv and Dan.
Reveal that they called him desperate Dan at school
*Seems weird that they go into the bathroom to chat privately? Could throw in a good reason to go in there something funny? maybe Dan is in a hurry desperate to talk to her, he just ushers her into the bathroom while she is thinking it’s weird. Then while they are in there the girls don’t need to lean in to listen because the bathroom echos so loudly you can hear the convo clearly. Then it’s funny that they think they are safe in private conversation but they aren’t really…
Dan is desperate to be bridesmaid, he offends Viv with this… he had begged her to come to the wedding.
Dan eves drops from the bathroom while the girls talk about him….
* I like the expression montage of Dan… funny…
They decide to cut the groomsman and make Dan an honorable guest.
*I like the V.0’s into the next scene.
Dan and Polly at bar chatting
Polly was at school with viv and was picked on by viv. She hates viv. she is viv’s wedding planner.
*So maybe a flashback to show Polly being treated badly by viv and the girls, so we can see her need for the extent of revenge? Because it’s a comedy it would work pretty well.
Good build up to the eventual “lets kill them”.
Dan likes the idea because it means he gets to be bridesmaid. He is desperate Dan…but is he serious, does he really want to kill?
*Maybe a look from Dan that he’s not really into it, because of the next montage of Polly showing her murderous side and him looking worried….and that he’s not as much into it.
*Funny dialogue “or anyone fuck it”….shows us she’s been wanting to do this for a while….and is a true psycho.
Dan and Polly shopping…. She wants to wear all black..
*Funny shopping scenes with the black clothes.
They end up buying all the black clothes…
*funny banter with the checkout girl.
At the boat dock in Miami..
*like the slow motion..
*I feel like Shauna and Frenchie need to have dialogue before Dan and polly come on. they see Dan and Polly coming up the boat ramp. Make some funny comments. Since they are main characters I feel they are in the background too much in this scene. Once we’ve been with them for their thoughts and reactions to Dan and Polly it feels okay to focus on Dan and Polly again. Maybe show Shauna and Frenchie in the background throughout the scene reacting to Dan and Polly?
Greg the camera man takes a photo of them getting on the boat… he’s a clark Kent type and dan thinks he’s cute.
Greg knows Polly. Greg is an old school friend , dan doesn’t recognize him from school.
* I feel Vivian needs to be shown coming on the boat as well in her own small scene.
Greg takes pics of the guests.
Aunt Wanda - Tims aunt… on the prowl cougar. Hannah - Vivians mum. Straight. Bill - viv dad -chubby bald Lucy - Tim mum Ricky - Tims dad
Dan and Polly talk in corner… Polly calls it that viv father will do a speech.
Vivs dad bill talks about how viv and tim meet..
*fun and natural way to give exposition about how Tim and viv met. with Polly calling out the speech and bill giving the speech….. nice..
*I like how you’ve made it clear to the audience that the rest of the story will play out in a cliche ‘secluded area’… wink wink…
Dan and Greg chat - exposition
Polly and Brad chat - exposition
Polly pushes Brad over board, dan sees….
*liked the brad death, it was unexpected….shows she still wants to kill anyone…really.
*when polly walks away the whistling doesn’t fit her personality… she needs to do something different like… or put the whistle in somewhere prior… like when she is at the desk in the intro she could be whistling a creepy tune. it just feels too out of the blue…
At the Bahamas dock
*funny dialogue between Aunt Wanda and Frenchie…
*good interaction between polly, dan, Tim and viv….
At bed and breakfast….
Anne - in kitchen with Edwin - B and B hosts in their 40’s/
Eric their 20 year old daughter greats them with her parents.
*I feel the owners should know the names of the married couple, so that dialogue should be taken out and it be something like, so show me - who are viv and Timothy - the happy couple?
*I feel you don’t need to mention the chapel for the wedding as that is evident… they would have planned that already.
* It feels like dans character is still on the fence about committing murder.. there needs to be a clear choice made by dan at some point that he is going to do it…for sure!
Dan and polly talk in their room polly is orgasmic over her first kill…
Party on the beach
*this is a fun setting….
Connor is hot for Aunt Wanda
Dan and greg head off for a chat…
Frenchie Connor and Aunt Wanda chat… Frenchie wants Connor…insults fly.
Night time Frenchie is walking to sauna, killer is watching. Heads into the sauna.
Dan and greg stroll. greg had a crush on dan at school. Dan still likes Timothy.
Killer locks Frenchie in and puts out of order sign on it. Turns up the heat…
*funny dialogue with Frenchie and killer.
*This line reads awkwardly….“Nobody stands in the sauna mud room” pg 48….. maybe……”the mud room is now empty..”
The killer walks away reveals themselves to be polly.
*I like that the killer is masked because it makes the audience wonder if it could be someone else.
Dan and greg head their separate ways
Connor and Aunt Wanda make out in room
Masked killer stabs Connor through head.
Ricky and Lucy hear banging next door…. Get annoyed at the supposed ‘sex noises.’
*funny, I like the misunderstanding.
Dan is in his room, polly comes in in her outfit, says she killed one bridesmaid. *So we realize there is another killer.
*At some point Dan could say, this just isn’t my thing, you can do all the work, and I’ll reap the benefits aye???
Polly loves this killing thing…. *Good passion and emotion.
Next morning Tim is by Connors door yelling to him to get up. Tims parents tell him not to bother he was wiped outlast night… *but we all know he is dead. Good work in giving the audience superior position…
Everyone together for a tour….
Tim and viv want to know where Frenchie and Connor are…..*good tension again, polly and dan think they are caught… but realize the others think they hooked up… good save!
Polly complains to Dan that he hasn’t killed anyone yet…polly hints she killed some other people….??? Did she kill Connor and Aunt Wanda? Good - putting a question in audience minds.
Montage of the guests on their trip, polly getting food ready, Erica heading towards Connors room. Erica goes in to clean and we see no evidence of foul play.
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
The guest get back and viv wants to know where Frenchie is but polly pushes her off to rehearsal.
Someone is going to check the sauna..polly follows and kills him once he’s seen the body. Polly puts the out of order sign back over the door.
*ha ha funny, very cool she’s getting a collection in there…her hiding spot.
Everyone in chapel for rehearsal. Viv annoyed about frenchie not being there.
They are having dinner…Tim asks B and B keepers if they have seen the three missing guests, she says she hasn’t seen her husband either…
Viv is sad…
*the speech scene is too much like the scene in bridesmaids…might need some other way to show the rivalry between Dan and Shauna …
Viv stops the speech and gets upset about the missing people….* good pacing, she needs to be getting upset about this…and showing it..
Tim Shana and dan want to talk to viv,,,, Tim gets to go in. Dan tries to strangle Shauna, she fights back and they end up in her room, then polly slits her throat from behind…*nice surprise….Cool!
Polly and dan realize Connor and Aunt Wanda weren’t killed by them…that there is another killer.
Ericas is at the door watching them with the bodies horrified. Then she gets stabbed from behind by another masked killer…*Awesome scene… good surprises!!!!
It’s cool, she’s mute. She won’t say a word. *this is a bit unbelievable, because Erica could tell on them by writing a note…maybe the dialogue could go along theses lines….polly could say, “oh shit, no, I suppose she can write… oh dam we are gonna have to do her as well…” then bam she gets killed….by the killer, saving them the hassle.
The killer takes the body away and shushes polly and dan.
They realize they can blame the other murders on the other killer.
Guests are in the dining room, viv wants to go for a walk with Shauna… polly and dan move the body in the background. No one sees.
Okay, you want to know? I’m working my ass off doing two jobs here: making people happy and killing people. Guess what? Neither of them are easy. And now, there’s another killer on this island who’s doing even more work than you are. I’m the one getting my hands red. What have you been doing? Nothing! Sitting around gawking at a guy you used to ignore harder than a fat girl ignores a nutrition label, and worrying about your social status with someone who you thought was your “best friend.” And I’d put “best friend” in air quotes, but right now I’m carrying a dead body that I killed for you!
*this section where polly is complaining about Dan, feels too wordy and repetitive….. and polly is shown to be having a lot of fun on her own, it’s all very orgasmic for her…so dan not helping her should be annoying but she shouldn’t be as upset about it…. Dan didn’t fully agree to work together….. he has always seemed reluctant…
I don’t know if there needs to be any intense conflict between dan and polly on this…. Polly is self driven to kill, she says she’s doing it for Dan, but it feels like she has wanted to do this for a long time… so maybe she could come to the happy conclusion that Dan is just not a killer. And maybe she can be thankful to him for helping her start off her killing career…. And it’s not all that bad that he hasn’t killed yet…. Then at the end when he does kill it’s a surprise to the audience. Polly is kind of the star of the show, a complete psychopath but a funny one… so her getting all mushy and serious doesn’t feel right…. POLLY
No, Dan. I don’t want to hear it. You’re doing the same thing you always do. You’re thinking about yourself. Taking Vivian’s side just so you can make stupid Maid of Honor. 71. DAN It’s not stupid. * I don’t feel you need this dialogue. It doesn’t feel like a Polly thing…
They argue, dan drops the body and walks away.
Viv is outside Shaunas room, greg comes out they chat…
Everyone is down in the dining room deciding what to do…. Ricky thinks they should have a sauna… but blithe the maintainance guy hasn’t fixed it.
Polly puts Shaunas body in the sauna…
Tim and greg take a look at photos in Gregs room..
Dan and an upset viv go and talk.
Anne is in the kitchen she thinks its her husband with his hands over her eyes… but its the killer and he kills her…
Ricky sees from his balcony polly coming out of the sauna.
*Cool the tension is ramping up…..
Polly walks under the balcony to the body of Ricky falling infront of her…*awesome great action and surprise…
The killer looks down at her..
Lucy sees this and polly and her run off.
*good that lucy sees it so polly can lay blame on the other killer.
Polly kills Lucy using the stove.
*Lucy saying omg over and over is funny….she kind of gets herself killed…it is kind of a serious kill and maybe at the end polly can make a joke like…is that enough of an OMG???
Bill and Hannah come into the house…
Bill gets killed in his room..
INT. BED AND BREAKFAST - NIGHT Zack witnesses the murder of Bill.
*This tripped me up… should be EXT. BILL AND HANNAHS’S BEDROOM - NIGHT.
Zack stands in shock….sees the mess..
Hannah sees dead bodies in kitchen.
Then bumps into Polly… Zack is rushing away from the killer and sees polly with Hannah and the cheese cutter. Polly kills Hannah… *I don’t know if its me, but the decapitation doesn’t seem to fit the comedy side of this…. It felt too gross…. Okay after some thought about this scene I realize that it needs to be funnier. I’m no expert but from what I’ve seen in a lot of horror comedies is that the horror scenes can be a gross as you like but they have to be funny at the same time or it ends up just feeling like horror and it takes you out of the feel of the movie. Shows like Santa Clara diet and the movie hot fuzz all had gore but it was merged with good humor.
Zack hides in a closet.
The killer and polly are together, killer has a knife throws it a polly but it hits Zack kills him…*Awesome!!! This is funny…
Polly wants to know who he is, he takes off his mask, viv recognises him….Good pace, nice cut..
Viv and dan are chatting up on a cliff.
Viv talks about how things got the way they were with dan, then She realizes that dan has been the best friend so far…finally dan is acknowledged as the best friend….
She keeps talking then realizes he’s left.. *funny
Dan talks to Polly and says that she is his best friend she has killed all these people to help him…
Viv heads out to the sauna doesn’t see the dead bodies..
Viv finally sees the bodies…
She runs back to the house calling for help…
She sees the bodies,,, freaks out then greg grabs her and tells her to be quiet… the killer will hear her..
Dan and polly chat about old times..and how they would help each other kill someone…
Dan wakes up to no polly but a note to meet at the chapel…and to put on the suit..
In the chapel viv and Tim are bound, greg is the killer and the dead guests sit in the chairs…Good scene
*I like the ‘that really fucks up a kid’ line
So greg hates Tim for all the school bullying…. and has been stalking dan for a very long time. He came to kill Tims family and friends.
*Tim telling of specific tortures (funny ones) would work well here instead of generalized bullying…
*With the ending….. Could Dan be the one to get away in the end…..could he realize that holy cow he’s been wrong all this time and him wanting to get to be maid of honor was stupid and that all these deaths were in vain. And that hell no why would he want to marry greg? Greg is a true murderous psycho….? viv was a bitch, and polly didn't really care about him and his need to be bridesmaid, she is a psycho, as shown in the script...this is what she has wanted to do all along. I felt Dan was always on the fence about murdering people....
I’m going to read this again and write a proper summary.
"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....
Thanks for the read and notes. Glad you enjoyed it overall. I found this very fun to write and am very thankful for Sean to include me in it.
Sorry for the short response but looking over it, I found a lot of positives (thank you, much appreciated ) and suggestions (I boil it down to 2 areas).
Buildup - a lot of it is building up to punchlines we found funny or character arcs. For instance, we wanted Vivs reaction to the deaths as a build up to the punchline where she loses it at the wedding preparation when more people go missing. The same applies to Dan in being so iffy about committing murder and why he doesnï¿½t get one until the end. (Wink). And a genre arc, starting off from dark comedy to straight horror (Polly decapitating a head and looking like Carrie).
Budget - we wrote this with the intent of keeping it low budget hence no flashbacks, small cast of characters and a lot of expositions lol. We tried making the expositions smooth and undetectable but itï¿½s a work in progress.
The Ending - yeah, that wasnâ€™t a true ending. Weâ€™re still working on it. I suggested one to Sean but weâ€™ll see.
Nevertheless, itï¿½s all gonna be taken under consideration when rewrite this next time. If you have something in need of a review, hit me up. Iï¿½ll be more than welcome to.
ï¿½Thereï¿½s no rhyme nor reason. Just came up with scenes we were excited to insert even if it doesnï¿½t make sense.ï¿½ I think every writer wants to say this lol.
Joking aside, we extensively talked about scenes till death lol and how we should progress further through the script so the ending has that hmph feeling. Thatâ€™s a temporary ending by the way until we come up with somethingâ€¦suitable. Granted not saying this is perfect but, I find it that it flows well, you know.
We also wanted to explore comedy. Iâ€™m surprised that a lot of its connecting so thatâ€™s a miracle in my eyes. Lol.
When we come back for the rewrite, weâ€™ll see.
If you need help with the writing, I can offer assistance.