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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Just Murdered Moderators: bert
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  Author    Just Murdered  (currently 457 views)
Don
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Just Murdered by Sean Elwood & Gabriel Moronta - Dark Comedy, Slasher - All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages - pdf format

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 3rd, 2021, 5:56pm
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 2:07am Report to Moderator
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Hey SS fam,

Thank you Don for posting this up.

It's a Zombie Sean and Mr. Ripley creation, a first time collaboration. Hopefully, it's the first of many collaborations. I wanna thank Sean for allowing me to be a part of this. It was a blast in developing this alongside him. But now, it's time to present it to the world and see what else we can work on. Like always, any feedback (positive, neutral, and even the negative) is appreciated.

Thanks in advance to those who read this.

Sincerely,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Zack
Posted: June 29th, 2021, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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What's up, Dudes? Hope you two have been well. Started reading your script. Here are some notes.

The opening 6 pages are engaging and very funny, but I'm not sure how it connects to the logline. That said, the writing is top-notch. Flows well. Snappy dialog, I got a good feel for each of the characters and they all seem distinct enough.

Seems much more like a comedy than a horror. The first death isn't even a murder, it's just an accident.

Okay, reading over the next few pages, I see where the opening ties into the logline. Really enjoyed the back and forth between Dan and Polly. I hope Polly is more than just a minor side character.

So Dan and Vivian haven't seen each other since the first grade? Kind of a stretch for Dan to assume he'd be given a bridesmaids spot. At least, IMO. (after reading further, this makes sense. Dan is a bit of a creep. "Desperate Dan" indeed. Lol)

"You know, he's the one that I joked with in school that we'd never date Tim?"

This line of dialog confused me. Did they use to joke that neither of them would ever date Tim? Or just that Dan would never date him?

Also, why is Shauna so antagonistic towards Dan?

Would the girls really be talking crap about Dan when he is just in the other room? Seems like they'd wait for him to leave before they start bashing him. However, I did enjoy Dan's reactions to their insults. Funny stuff.

Bottom of pg 17 - Vivian and Dan sit at the bar counter with drinks in front of them. -- Vivian should be Polly.

Gonna have to cut my review short here. Honestly, I'm enjoying this much more than I initially thought I would. Really funny story with some interesting characters. However, I'm a bit disappointed in the lack of horror. 17 pages in and not even a hint of horror.

Still, I'll be pushing forward and continuing this review either later tonight or tomorrow. Good stuff so far!


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

GOODBYE - drama, 4 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs

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Zack  -  July 5th, 2021, 11:12am
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Zack
Posted: June 30th, 2021, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Alright, I'm back for more. Gonna take notes as I read...

I'm loving the interactions between Dan and Polly. I imagine this is sort of how Billy and Stu's plan initially started in the original Scream. Great stuff!

Polly is awesome. 'Nuff said.

Pg. 22 - She trains Dan into how to stab someone to death. -- Doesn't read right to me. Maybe... She shows Dan the proper ways to stab someone to death.

Hmm. So, I'm usually not a fan of montages, but I didn't mind this one(on pgs 21-23). Definitely fits with the tone of the story, and sort of serves as a transition to the darker aspects of the story.

Do people really recognize people they haven't seen since grade school? I can't remember my high school years. Lol.

Pg 30 - Vivian rolls her eyes playfully embarrassed, shoos the speech away. -- Not sure what I'm supposed to be seeing here.

Pg 42 - I'm starting to get confused by all these different characters.

Finally, the slasher aspects are starting to kick in!

Timothy has a double dialog on page 53.

Pg 58 - INT. SAUNA MUD ROOM - NIGHT -- I don't think this scene header is correct.

More coming...


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

GOODBYE - drama, 4 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs

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Zack  -  June 30th, 2021, 7:39pm
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Zack
Posted: July 2nd, 2021, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Alright, back for another round of notes.

So there IS a third killer. I suspected as much. Got a feeling I know who it is, as well. But I could just be buying into some mis-direction.

"You’ve been too busy trying to get your ass fed." - Polly's dialog is pure gold.

More coming...


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

GOODBYE - drama, 4 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Zack
Posted: July 5th, 2021, 11:09am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Cincinnati
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Sorry for the delay. All finished. Not gonna give detailed notes on the back half of the script. Don't wanna spoil any surprises.

I will say that you guys have put together a surprisingly funny slasher script. It's a really creative approach to the genre and one that I'm sure horror fans would get a real kick out of.

Once the "slasher" stuff kicks into full gear, I was all smiles. Some really awesome and fun kill sequences here.

The "twist" at the end isn't very hard to predict, but it was still satisfying to see it play out.

As for complaints... I don't have many. I'd say that the killers could use a more unique costume than just black clothes and a ski mask. That said, the biggest thing that irked me was the ending. It just... Stops.

Overall, I liked this a whole lot. It could use another draft to iron out the issues I mentioned above, but I think you guys have got a winner here. Thanks for sharing.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

GOODBYE - drama, 4 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 5th, 2021, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Zack for the read and notes. Appreciate as always. If you need a read, feel free to hit me up.

It was fun creating/writing this. It’s a slow burn to the good stuff but, if I can speak for Sean, it was worth it. Lol.

Ending - we’re still trying to come up with a ending. I proposed a ending that can run during the credits but, we’re still thinking about it.  

I love Polly too.

Sorry you felt confused with the # of characters. We kept it as low as possible and tried to give each one a distinguishable trait. We’ll see what we can do with that.

Regarding remembering someone from grade school - Dan’s obsessive lol. Joke aside, we’ll consider this.  

After watching a clip of Scream, I remembered the slasher genre. With Sean’s approval, I changed the genre to better reflect this project. Dark Comedy/Slasher. 😏  

Why is Shauna a b-t-h? Story wise, there can only be 1 best friend for Viv and that’s Shauna. No one else. Writing side, Dan needs an antagonist lol.  

Thanks again,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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