Having finished reading this I noticed it has been posted a while and there is a fair amount of feedback, but for what it's worth here is my take.

In essence this is only five pages long so not much time to string a story. Like others have mentioned it is heart warming and most young men will relate to the difficulty in asking "the girl", but as with others I felt the dialogue and scenes were reflective of older kids.

I liked the wingman element but could there be more to gain or lose through failure? A bet? A rival?

I also thought there was an imbalance between having the confidence to act up in front of a group but being timid in front of here alone. Most find it the other way round. Also what            
attribute does she like that makes her put up this show?

Otherwise enjoyable and always food for thought.

since someone revived this thread, i might as well put in my two cents.

objectively speaking, this script was fairly good. some of the narration need to be revised (ie pot flowers). there were several spots where i wasnt exactly sure what was going on. took a moment or two and then i was back on track. as a writer, you dont want to lose your audience, even momentarily, so it's important to keep things clear and concise.

as far as the age thing goes, i found it INCREDIBLY hard to believe. but its not that kids aren't smart at that age. instead, it's that kids dont act that suave. no kid is running around with a notebook, taking notes on how to pick girls up. most boys that age still think girls are icky. and when crushes do pop up (which they definitely do at that age), its very light spirited. if anything, the kid's friend should think he's crazy for trying to pick girls up. balance the main character's casanova behavior with something a little more plausible.

unfortunately i couldnt quite share the optimism of my fellow posters. personally, i would never go for something like this. but that's just me and doesnt reflect the script's impact (although it did very little for me). on the flip side, writing a story around kids is hard. i would love to check out more of your work that involves adults. i think you have a unique voice and that counts for a lot these days.

quick thought. perhaps have the kids misreading cosmo, maxim, etc relationship advice that they discovered? perhaps they stumble upon an older sister's magazine and they misread the info and act it out unknowingly in a G rated manner?

Quick and entertaining read. It had me flipping the pages to see what happens next.
I agree with grademan, in that, the stakes would be raised higher if (SPOILER) Trevor was worried about someone reading his book, then found out it's in Margie's possession, before revealing the twist.
Overall, this was a fun little story. Good job.

-Devin

Oh, I didn't know people are still reading this!

Thank you!
@Greg,
@Reef
@Albinopenquin
@Devinrush
I really appreciate the feedback and will look closely into your comments (each one of you) I skimmed through - good food for thought, thanks!

Today it's too late but I will very soon.
And post some news on this! Hopefully...

This was a cute little tale.  

I'm not sure about the ages of the kids though. I think you could even go with a much younger age, like 6 or 7 because it kinda reminded me of Darla and Alfalfa.  

I liked the twist, too. Cute.

Cindy

Thanks for the look, Cindy! Never watched Darla and Alfaalfa.

I wrote a comics on the basis of this script and sold (almost) it to a Russian company (two versions - English and Russian). I kept the rights to the screenplay.

When they develop it they'll put it on itunes for purchase.

I say "sold almost" because although the contract's been signed but the question of payment transfer is up... and looks like it will be up for a while.

Hey Khamanna,

Again like many times before, “cute” is the correct word to describe this short. Apart from the odd typo, found the writing decent, fast and well done.

The story was nice but I agree with previous posters about the ages but to be different, I wondered if they could be younger? I did enjoy the “pulling” of the flower from his pants, very original and a funny way to impress a girl, might try that one myself.

Overall a nice little tale with a good happy ending.

Good work.

Steve

I think the ages are fairly accurate for the feelings of the children.  I was probably around ten when I developed my first crush.  Just like Charlie Brown, it was the little red headed girl.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the way this was written.  Very crisp and easy to understand.  The dialogue was good, but perhaps a little advanced for the characters ages.  Although, it was 1975 when I was that age, so I'm not entirely certain how kids of that age interact these days.  I do know kids are more advanced now.  Perhaps in all ways.

I found the Darla and Alfalfa analogy quite apropos.  Oh, Waldo!  

I enjoyed reading this.  I think it would film very well as a short.  Good film festival stuff!

Hey Steve and Steven!
Thank you for reading it!

@Steve (coopBazinga) - I had younger but they advised older, so the kids are 11 in this version See, some say younger, some older... but I know why you say younger - because of Trevor pulling the flower out of his pants. Yeah, if they are older that would take away some innocence from the piece and I wouldn't want that.
Thanks for the read!

@Steven (Steven - thanks, I like that you liked it! You know a few asked about it, even promised a short. But still I got nothing on it yet, except for that comics.
I even had a British college professor who asked me about my background and the short's background - how I came up with it... --he was all over it and was so going to film it, only to disappear suddenly. Eh...
I probably shouldn't post this not to scare other potential producers away
Thanks for the look!

Quoted from khamanna Thanks for the look, Cindy! Never watched Darla and Alfaalfa. I wrote a comics on the basis of this script and sold (almost) it to a Russian company (two versions - English and Russian). I kept the rights to the screenplay. When they develop it they'll put it on itunes for purchase. I say "sold almost" because although the contract's been signed but the question of payment transfer is up... and looks like it will be up for a while.

Hi khamanna,

I think if you've never seen Little Rascals (not just the movie, but the 1/2 hour shorts from the 20s and 30s) you are really missing something. You should check them out.

Good luck with your comics and the script.

Cindy

I really dug this, reminds me of old middle school crushes, if only I had a book to help me back then. Good luck with this, it deserves to get made for sure.

I really like this script a whole lot!

Even tho the kids talking in whole sentences might not be realistic-somehow the feel of the piece which has a nice oddness, combined with the whole sentences works for me here in this instance.

12 years old I would put the kids. I have a 12 year old and I can see him and a girl he likes talking like this. Very verbal children sometimes do talk like this in fact.

I could see maybe producing this one day.

Thanks.

It has a feel of the writing of Wes Anderson's films.

Khamanna,

Wow. Your story has been kicking around for a while.  I enjoyed it AND would very like to see a re-write now that several years seem to have passed since you wrote it.

Childish innocence is timeless and enjoyed even by those who have been around since dinosaurs roamed the earth.

And yes, little and even big girls aren't hard to catch when they want to get caught.

John

Thanks John - I'm glad you liked it!

It's interesting - someone revives this one from time to time. I have many other scripts on the site but they never get any attention.
Could it be the logline? Oh no, I must be dreaming))