Incident at The Corner Bar

Gary, why didn't you email me to let me know you were releasing this?

I enjoyed it, but still, it would have been nice to hear from you. :-/

EDIT: Wow, Kay I see the story. No problem. You still should have notified me and spared me this stupid post. When I opened the doc and saw the new names "plugged in" I just shook my head.

Gary!!! You should have called me or changed the Title!!! Gash!! :) !!! Men!! How do you communicate with 'em!!!

I'll just send along the words as written anyways. :) Let it be a lesson to the younguns, right? Tee-hee.

***

When you emailed me last, you had asked me my opinion and I thought we should keep a lid on things until we establish more firm grounds.

As I've stated, I'm not interested in jumping the gun; rather, I'd like to work in a close connection with people on this. Sadly, the connection is "earthly".

What I mean by that is that people don't seem to want to share.

You in my mind are the person most dedicated to this project besides Michael, whose time is at a premium, I know. Still, I need to voice my disconcerted feelings here.

One individual writing and submitting on a collaborative project without notifying the others is in bad taste. And I even include-- yes, Dreamscale who dropped out and is a complete scurvy elephant with regards to flexibility I know.

Still again, I would include his name even if he dropped a bit of spit on a project by the mere fact that "At least it was HIS spit" and I appreciate his spit as much as yours.

In short, I felt positive about Incident at The Corner Bar; however, I don't think we should be posting work on the project without consulting each other.

Just feel sad that you didn't drop me a line saying, "Hey Sandra, I think I'm gonna post that IACB to get some feedback. You OK with that?"

And of course you know me. I'd say,

"No problem, Gary." And probably too, I'd say...

Maybe we should break it into three episdoes?

Yeah I know... I'd probably make you more work.

Anyways, what's it worth if you don't get the truth.

God bless Gary. At least you've stuck to it. More than I can say for the rest.

Luvya,

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree.

Hunh?

Quoted from mcornetto

Hunh?

Michael,

This was originally written as part of a "Thief" script. Gary emailed me regarding it, and I said my opinion was we should " keep a tap on things" for awhile. That we should compile a "bank" and put it in reserve, not releasing it all.

Incident at The Corner Bar originally was written with "Thief" characters.

After exploring the thread, I learned that Gary "plugged in" new names; so it works, but I didn't want to delete my original words because I spent time on them and felt hurt.

Sandra

Screenrider,

Glad you liked it. That line was pointed out as chuckler by an early reader. Yes, it was fun to write.

Gary

Sandra.

What can I say? Sorry. I should have done you the courtesy of telling you I changed my mind on posting it.

Gary

Hello Gary,

Thanks for posting your script.
It is an entertaining read.
I was confused as to the actual timer period.
A specific time period would help what feels like a period piece.
Is there a reason this takes place in Wisconsin?
I didn't get a sense of a specific town, that might make this even better.
The "insult", not sure it would get that response, unless this is a period piece.
However, I went along with it because the rest of this is pretty cool.
The clothes line line is killer, puts a nice bow on everything.

Thanks for the read!

Regards,
E.D.

ED,

Thnaks, glad you liked it.
Intuitive comment about the time period.
This was based on a 1970s incident.
The location was specific in an attempt to place the story.
I could have thrown in some Wisconsin references. The local team, etc.
Good comments.

Gary

Quoted from grademan

Sandra.

What can I say? Sorry. I should have done you the courtesy of telling you I changed my mind on posting it.

Gary

No worries, Gary, but it's a really good exposition for people to learn from here on how many things in scripts can cross over and be completely the same. That is why professional readers who read scripts see so much of the same thing that they get used to tossing scripts to slush. Not because it's a bad script, but because it isn't fresh. Who knows what "fresh" is, right?

Anyways, I, like I had said before had enjoyed it and didn't see problems with it. It worked in terms of story and was good all around in my opinion.

Sandra

Quoted Text

EXT. WEST ALLIS, WISCONSIN - GARTH STREET - NIGHT

is completely unnecessary. This story could've taken place anywhere as there was no reason to mention city and state. If you had said GARTH STREET - NIGHT, all of us would've imagined Garth Street in our hometowns which would've made us feel closer to this story.

Phil

Quoted from dogglebe

This seemed like a piece of a larger work. A couple of guys like to screw around and, this time, they got caught. It also seems like an early draft. Things ran long and could be tightened.

The opening header:

is completely unnecessary. This story could've taken place anywhere as there was no reason to mention city and state. If you had said GARTH STREET - NIGHT, all of us would've imagined Garth Street in our hometowns which would've made us feel closer to this story.

Phil

On behalf of Gary, thanks for the read. To be fair, this was originally written from the POV "inside the writer's head" of a larger piece and so that's why those things occurred and I understand.

I have a weakness of not paying enough attention to sluglines and in this version, payed NO attention to that because I had already read it "the old way". BUT...

It just goes to show you how important it is and I know in my studies how important it is to try and make "place" a character too. That's lots of fun!

When I read the script, I was reading with different names and "the same stuff Gary has in his head, is muchly in my head" and so we get that "too close to a project phenomenon" happening where it's clear to us, but not to others.

Anyways, just want to thank you for taking the time on the reads because I know how hard it is. But then, you might be one of those speed readers. Tee-hee.

Sandra

I don't see why the big chase over the yell. Maybe if the boys threw something inside they might get a chase. Even being drunk? I don't know. Maybe. I don't think 30-year-olds have THAT much testosterone. Could be wrong.

The set up, I think, was to crash the party.

A cute little story - could have used a wee bit of editing though.  It does ring of being part of a bigger story, as Phil said.  And also, like Clorox said, it would make more sense if they were a bit younger.

I think one of the reasons this feels so much like it's part of something bigger is that you spend very little time introducing us to the main characters.  In comparison you spend a lot of time introducing us to Nadine.

Good work though, your writing is improving.

Cheers.

Phil, thanks for... yada, yada.

Yeah, this is one about some kids who got caught. Nicely simplifed. And very dull sounding. Ouch.

The opening slug does suck. Thanks for pointing that out. Also, the advice about it running long was good now that I look at it. Damn, I do look at these things very thoroughly but I ain't seeing the problems until pointed out.

Gary

Thanks for posting this. You sort of lost me right from the start because I didn't feel that the incident was enough of a big deal to warrant such a reaction. And I'm a woman! Some punks yelling "free pussy" into a reception hall would make me roll my eyes if I even heard it over the reception music andrevelry. Just didn't feel real enough to me so thewhole rest felt contrived.

What would ruin a wedding reception to the point that it necessitated some sort of testosterone fueled chase? Maybe a complete actual crash into the place, turning over tables, destroying the cake before pics could be taken of it or guests could eat it, overturning a food buffet or other food, setting the place on fire (maybe). A group of middle schoolers shouting semi obscenities into a reception hall? Never.

Just MHO. From a girly POV.

Hey CM.

I agree the setup was to crash the party, not just yell in the door. And the yell by itself may not have been enough to fuel this story (sigh) it was enough get my gang of juvies in trouble years ago. Maybe if I had made them younger and actually did some damage...

Thanks for the read!

Gary

Michael,

Thanks for taking the effort to explain things. Lessons learned. The words of encouragement are much appreciated. Maybe I won't give up my crayons just yet.

Gary

MP,

Thanks for the girly POV (from Florida and Ontario). I was going for a low cost teen type script which admittedly, could have been better executed.

Gary

Quoted from MPaige

Mpaige, thanks for that. I tend to see things from a strong male point of view because I was the only girl growing up in a house-full of brothers! :) ...still, I had to laugh reading your post because I thought, "Gary, see if you would have communicated with me, you would have avoided all that.

I agree. Your points are completely valid and it just goes to show how different a male and female can view the same topic.

When I read the story, I was reading it with "backstory" in my head. Indeed, I was reading it from a strong male perspective because of the influences I've had in my life.

Your post has seriously re-lighted the female perspective, thank God!

Mucha appreciated!!!

Gary,

This read fast. Well paced. My biggest problem was believability with the initial incident that set this whole thing into motion. They're obviously having their receptioin at the local pub. How would a kid ruin that by yelling "Free pussy" . Would've figured they would laugh their asses off and continue downing their spirits.

Maybe if they threw a stink bomb in. Made the place smell like shit the rest of the night. Then I could belive they would be this upset about it.

On a positive note, there was some good lines in here that made me chuckle. Me and my friends used to do stuff like this all the time. Trust me, when the chase was on, you fell down, you were left for dead.

When we were 15 one of my ass-wipe friends, during Halloween, slipped a page from a porno mag into a kids trick or treat bag. His dad immediately grabbed it. When he saw it, the chase was on. I took a wrong turn. Hid in some bushes. He found me. Didn't end well for me. So, I can relate with this story. My friends left me for dead.

So, again, I liked it. Just think the initial incident needs to be a bit more evil on their part to ruin this reception. Other then that, good work.

James

JAMES.

Yeah, I never thought about the believability factor for a moment because that part of the story actually happened. We yelled and they came running. I can see now where that isn't enough in scripts.

Thanks for the read, the chuckles, and the Halloween story. Maybe I'll see it in the OWC.

Gary

Hey Gary. I kinda owe you a lot of reads. Hope you don't mind me starting here. I'm actually a third of the way through Price of Coal but I'll get to that when I get to that...

Anyway, I hate to repeat what others have said but my strongest reactions to the script were the same as many others. But when I say I hate to repeat others, I mean it so I'm not going to; rather, I'll take what they've said and go even further. A bunch of thirty-something bros is one thing but I don't understand how the "free pussy" reduced the bride to tears. Does she have some past we don't know about?... Okay, maybe not.

At one point, I thought she might have been upset that all the guys ran out and made as much of a spectacle as the kids did on her wedding day. Even more of a spectacle, actually. But they seemed to be aware that she'd been crying so I guess it couldn't have been that. So back to where I was before. Those guys were out of there fast. Did she immediately burst into tears upon hearing the comment? Seems silly. It's just a bunch of dumb kids. The wedding's over so there's not much to ruin. Or maybe she's just sensitive?

The whole "bonding" between Jeff and the wedding guests was somewhat strange. I can't say it felt forced or unrealistic. It made for some interesting dynamics between the characters. I just wasn't really sure where it all came from.

Anyway, this was more or less fun to read. I can't say it was all that comedic. Or light for that matter. Not that it was heavy but there was a fair share of dramatic moments, I thought. But it was good for what it was, I suppose.

James.

Thanks.

You point out a weakness in this piece I had not thought of: character interactions. I tried to design a piece where I kept on upping the action and could have done better with that.

As to whether it's a comedy light or not is one of those classification things, I wasn't sure.

Gary

Hey Gary, just found this...and see Sandra was bringing my name up for some reason.  Hmmm...

Wish I could say I loved this, but I didn't.  Numerous issues, IMO.  Sloppy writing throughout.  Unclear references to "he", him", etc.  Short, incomplete "sentences" that just don't work as written.  But the biggest problem here is the "story" itself.

I don't really see a story here at all.  It definitely comes off as a small scene in a bigger story.  No resolution for anyone.  No characterization.  No real reason to sit on its own as a script, IMO.

OK, 2 more things...

1)  Slugs are pretty poor throughout and the opening one is a perfect example of stuff I say all the time.  First of all, IMO, there is absolutely nothing wrong with using exact locales...in fact, I think it gives character to a script.  But here, it doesn't work at all because we don't know where the script is set if we were watching a filmed version. We wouldn't see the Slug, telling us where we are.  There isn't a SUPER, and the locale isn't mentioned by any of the characters.  SO, because of those reasons, it doesn't work here.

2)  Like James, when I was young, my buddies and I did this sort of shit all the time, so I can definitely relate.  But, it doesn't play out realistically, it's not funny, nothing really happens, and we don't learn anything about anyone...thus, I don't understand the intent.  It could have been a coming of age tale.  It could have been a full blown comedy. It could have been a number of things, but it turned out being very little, and for that reason alone, it doesn't work for me.

Take care, man.

Jeff,

Shit happens.

I may be in a slump right now but I'll keep slugging away.

Thanks.

Gary

Hi, Gary, thanks for reading my feature, this is the first part of my return reads.

This short, for me, is just like what your title suggests, an incident. It's something more than an incident but not quite a complete story yet.

Basically, a group of teens yelled one line of insult at a reception, they ran away, one got hurt, they went back and called for help. I hope there's something more to hook me into the story.

The interaction between Jeff and the people at the Corner Bar didn't quite ring true to me. First, I didn't get why Nadine would be crying because some random guy yelled, "Free Pussy!" Second, Nadine slapping a teenager comes out of the blue. And then she suddenly became so chummy with Jeff. She even asked Jeff if he should forgive his friends? I also didn't get why they were asking about each other's mom.

However, I did like the scene where Steward and Mike disagreed with each other after Rick got clothes lined. Good conflict, it showed characters.

The ending just kinda lingered off instead of delivering a punch. Hope you can put in some surprises or punchlines.

Herman

Hello Herman!

Sorry for the late reply.  Yeah you�re right.  This is more of an incident than a real story.

I was going for a story that was low budget and the antics kept escalating.  I think I have a low-budget price nailed down but the character actions didn�t tie together as well as they should. Nadine is a contradictory character.  I liked her but she may not have fit into the story well.  As one reviewer put it, I spent extra character time on Nadine while almost none on the other characters.

One ending, had the groom come out of the restroom with a gun.  Maybe I should�ve done that. But that only would�ve helped the ending.

I�m glad you liked the interaction between Stewart and Mike after Rick�s accident.

I always appreciate your comments, a nice balance between detail and the big picture.

Gary

This is my first review after joining yesterday, hope I can offer something different than has already been said.

If your going for a serious piece here then I'm in agreement with what others have said about the believability of the incident. However as you've posted it as a light comedy, then this kind of over the top reaction could be seen as just that. Prehaps a different structure in the setting of the scene could emphasise this.

I liked the dialogue, funny and witty; clothes lined by a clothes line. Also the way Nadine brings Stewart close to tears.

I could go on but feel I would just be repeating what others have already said. Hope I gave you some othe aspects to think about.

Good Luck.

Del

This script was a fun read, if imperfect. I admire the way you captures the 'ass-hole' qualities in Stewart. He acts a lot like we teenagers so often do. As many have said, the 'clothes line' line was quite funny.

However, I didn't buy the final scene. Stewart's friends teaming up to call him an ass-hole just came off as phony, although I'm glad Stewart never really learnt a lesson. This was a well written, if occasionally uninspiring script. I think you need to find a stronger story to apply your obviously considerable writing skills to.

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