Hoodie by Christopher Bohlsen (kurisuborosen) - Short, Horror - Tom and Jenny hear a knock at the door one night.  Outside is a man waring a hoodie. - pdf, format 8)

First one.

Chris,

Pretty basic story here.  You adhered to the guidelines minus the rundown, abandoned house, but really there's nothing that stood out to me.  Granted, it's a scary situation you've outlined here, but I would have liked to see a lot more in terms of build-up and execution.  

So, a job done.

Greg

Meh... I can sense the vibe you were going for but feel the mark was missed.  Understandably too, though.  7 days isn't much to write a script and have it cohesively work.  I like the idea, although not exactly ground breaking, but it just wasn't executed like it could be.  

I'm not saying you didn't revise this but it doesn't seem as if you did.  It seems you got the story down and let it leave your hands.  I think with 4 more pages this could be really effective and fillable.  As it is, it just kind of feels rushed.  I also don't think you hit the challenge of "dilapidated" house.  These folks were living in it.  

Again, spooky set up -- The hoodie thing was genuinely creepy, but it became too by the book, as stated above me.  Nice attempt, though.  Please rewrite it, add to it and see where it takes the story.

2nd OWC script down.

Chris,

I remember Don saying this was the fastest entry ever.  And I'm afraid it shows.  Multiple typos, including one in your logline.  What exactly was the rush to get this in so fast?  Did you not think the story could use some fleshing out?  The story, as Greg accurately stated, is "basic."  Guy in hoodie shows up out of nowhere.  No explanation.  Is he a ghost?  Maybe, because sometimes he's in the mirror, sometimes not.  We don't know.  But, does the wife really not know that she's been stabbed?

Sorry to say, but there's really not much to go on here.  No set up, no payoff and very little in between.  Next time, I strongly suggest you take your time and give your story some chance to develop.

I can only echo what others have already said here. On the plus side it was a very quick read.

Areas this did not work as well as is could of for me are certainly the dialogue, It was not very natural and far too on the nose.

Why did he have to explain to her he was in a wheelchair? She already knew that, I hope! and so did we.
Him trying to convince her she had not been attacked seemed unreal to me too, he would have been concerned surely?

I can see what you were trying to achieve, take a story that has been overdone,, the French film "Ils" spring to mind, along with "The Others". But then twist it into something more supernatural. Good idea, but you really should have tried a bit harder. In the end you have pretty much ruined what could have been developed into an interesting story buy not trying very hard.

A bit dissapointing to be honest.

Chris,

Congrats for completing the challenge.
That being said, I had a hard time getting into your story.
The introduction of the hoodie held promise, but didn't pay off for me.
It seems there's a lot of British idioms here, perhaps its just me.
On the nose dialogue throughout and murky action description made this hard to follow.
Does the wife not know she's been stabbed?
This feels like a quick first draft that needs revision.
Thanks for posting it all the same.

Regards,
E.D.

Wasn't there a six page minimum?  This is only 5 pages here.  

While I think this idea could work, and has worked, The Strangers among many other films springs to mind.  I think this really suffered from how short it was.    I had a lot of issues with some of the dialogue, it just didn't have verve.  And in something this short you really need verve.  

Also there was no way that it was believable that she was stabbed in the leg and didn't know.  Being stabbed hurts like a son of a bitch - unless you already have enough nerve damage to prevent the pain, in which case you wouldn't be walking - or if you've been anesthetized, in which case you wouldn't be walking.

I'm going to have to say that this really needs a bit more work but congrats on getting it in so quickly.  

Honestly, I think you should've put a little more time into this. I'm not going to talk about the script restrictions you went against, because frankly I don't care if you broke every single rule given. I would mainly like to talk about the story. The story lacks suspense because there wasn't enough build-up. There was a lack of emotional connection to the story because it lacked suspense. It felt too quick and painless. Sharpen the knife of this story a little and slowly slice. Apprehension to finish your script fast is obvious. Take some time with it, you definitely have the space to pull it off.

-Trent

Boy, I hate to pile on, but it was OK at best.

I liked the set-up, but I think it could have been executed better. It seems like the wheelchair was only there because it had to be.

Polish and trim that dialogue a bit, spend a bit more time on it, and you have yourself a solid story.

I read this as the opening scenes of a good story -- all of the elements you present are interesting, could be developed into a longer work.

Chrsitopher, there's not much more I can add that hasn't already been said.   But I give you an A+ for speedwriting.  You wrote this in like what? -- 45 minutes?   Congrats on that.  ;)

I can't say I liked this one, Chris.  It wasn't a complete story.  In fact, it read like an incomplete scene.  Or a teaser to a completed script.

I generally don't like scripts where a mysteriously character can do the things that your hoodie character does.  I'm not even sure what the hell he was.

Characterization and dialog seemed very bare with not much going for it.

Is this going to be part of a bigger piece?


Phil

I'm reluctant to congratulate you on completing this story so quickly, as I wouldn't want to encourage you to go that route again. There's no prizes for being the first to finish and I think your work suffers here as a result.

Few typos and mistakes going on here, nothing too major though. The premise is okay I guess but you don't go into any depth with the story or characters so this just feels very cliche and shallow.

I think when you first describe the Hoodie, you should indicate that there is a man outside wearing a hoodie. The way it reads at the moment, it sounds like there is just a piece of clothing out the front of their house,

Who is this guy, or thing, and why is he doing this? It's just too random at the moment. And as Cornetto pointed out, this is a page short of meeting the minimum requirements. I'm sure you could do better if you spent more time on it,

Cheers,
Tim.

My thoughts:

If you look through that old thread monster regarding the OWC, in between the mish-mash you'll see the following mentioned and debated:

- Folks (like myself) commenting/confessing to re-writing, catching some errors/revising well before the deadline.

- Discussion/debate of the guidelines set by the OWC.

This entry reads like it was cooked up ten minutes before closing time. It feels rushed. The errors show.  I'm not a big fan of the use abbreviations in description  ("Steak and veg") and the misspelling of lightning in CAPS stand out all the more.

I also felt that that's One Big Hoodie. The Hoodie might as well have a ski mask or potato sack. Consider: it's dark outside. There's a thunderstorm. Streaks of lightning across the night sky. Someone is outside and we can see that someone a distance away. His hoodie covers his head. The darkness and shadows from the lightning and/or available light would obscure his face. The hoodie alone would not do that. Also pay attention to your blood spills. Blood that "drips" does not become a 'pool' seconds later. You want a pool in that short span, much less a puddle, it's got to gush out.  And Jenny would know she was cut.  

There's something else too. I noted Jenny runs back io the dining room. When she enters, she runs in the room. Choose the latter, for it's a given.

With some cleaning up, this would make a nice little setup for a longer short or script. It's got that teaser flavor to it.

-DJS

Well, first of all, I'm very happy I'm not first to comment on this.  I am going to make a point not to be the first one to trash a script.  Thank God, 12 have already  beat me to it.

Chris, I was literally shocked when Don said you had already posted your script the first night.  I thought to myself, how and why would anyone do that already?  Now that I've read it, the how is quite clear, but I don't have an answer for the why.

Sorry to say, but this is really poor in literally every regard.  No story.  Poorly written.  Poor grammar.  Lots of mistakes and typos.  Terrible dialogue.  Poor action.  Unintentionally funny things.  And to top it all off, it actually does not meet the challenge in 2 very important regards - it doesn't meet the minimum page count, and it's not set in or around an abandoned house.

As others have already said, don't jump the gun and act like you're in a race.  No reason for that at all.  Take your time.  Edit your work.  Think about what you're writing.  Your work will be much better off.

Congrats for competing in this OWC.

For a stand-alone script, I think this is okay. But for this OWC, it didn't really meet the requirements. First, it's not set in an abandoned, rundown house. Second, it's only 5 pages long.

Anyway, the Hoodie figure is interesting, but need more background about him as to why he needs to terrorize the couple. Speaking of which, the couple feels very generic and I didn't care much about them. The first page conversation between them did nothing for me. More characterizations is needed for our protagonists.

The idea is interesting though. The Hoodie figure gives me the creeps.

Good effort.


Herman

Welp, not gonna beat this one up too much more. Tis not and abandoned house. You need to build this slower for horror to work. Maybe have them see him at different windows for a bit before he gets in. Maybe cuts the power. The phone lines.

Build tension. That's what makes horor work IMO. Make them helpless. If you're gona make Hoodie supernatural, I need a backstory for that and a motive. That's just me though.

Good job completing and OWC... In record time.

James

This was a quick read and it seemed like you wrote it without really "caring" to put it lightly. It's an incomplete story (as stated before) and it would have really helped if it were fleshed out to 9 or 10 pages.

The hoodie aspect was interesting, but again, not enough material for me to grasp at here.

Didn't care for the characters as they did nothing, all they did was run to lock some doors.

I would read this again if it were longer and had more meat to it.

Hello christopher,

SPOILERS

Like many people there needs to be a buildup and some believability. For instance, how did the hoodie get in the house so fast? Maybe expand this script in the rewrite stage. Other than, the story's cliche, not much character development, and a very quick read.  

Hope this helps
Gabe

It's a simple story - there's a hoodie who wants to kill Tom and Jenny. And most probably for fun! It's a bit random for me - I don't know why the hoodie wants that.

I wish there was more to Tom's wheelchair, if you had Tom with no disability it would still be the same story... Also there's no indication of an abandoned house (or am I missing something?) and why it's all happening on Halloween night.

A simple story and for what it is it's probably good, but I wish there was more to it.

Hello Chris,

This script is not for me.  Didn't like it.  Very cliché.  With the mirror, look, oh he's gone.

When Jenny says, "What kind of moron would be put (stuck) in this weather?  I'm guessing it should be stuck or caught.

I also didn't like the wording 'with considerable difficulty'.  As my brother is in a wheelchair and from first hand experience.  It's second nature to climb from a wheelchair to another chair at the same level or a car seat.  It's not fraught with the difficulties you imagine.  Maybe in the early days, or lying on the ground or something.

All the best with any potential rewrites,

Javier

1 - Story: Not very interesting. Characters are cartoonish, brief as they are featured.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily. Cheap and effective!
3 - Horror & Audience: The single usage of the word "f#cking" makes it an auto MPAA R rating. Replace it. As is, although Tom & Jenny may feel terrorized this is not terror so much as it's simple semi-supernatural thriller/drama, for which there's a decent audience for, if done right. And the house is clearly occupied, not abandoned. No date reference.
4 - Technicals & Format: Loaded with errors of all kinds. Turn off your program's auto (CONTINUED) feature. Quit underlining.
5 - Title & Logline: Title is fine. Logline has misspelling and isn't enticing.
General Comments:
A - It's not even a full sequence, and certainly not a short. This is only half of a sequence.
B - This looks like a first of a few works, ever. (Been bloodied and roasted on that myself.  You have my sincerest sympathies.)
C - As you write, pretend to be an arguing bastard.
Example: TOM: Can you get it? I’m a bit... He gestures at his wheelchair.
Arguing bastard: "D@mn, Jen. Don't you know Tom's not too mobile? Why does he have even state the obvious, let alone point at it?"

Chris,

Sorry, but I have to agree with everyone, this is something of a muddled up mess of randomness.  Too much happens too quickly for no reason.  There is no story, no suspense, no motivation for any of the characters' actions and you don't give us enough reason to care what happens to Jenny and Tom.  You had 5 more pages that you could have used, devoting 1-2 for character development/background and 2-3 on building suspense with the Hoodie, rather than just seeing him once at the door and then poof his in the mirror.

I'm assuming that Tom works for a newspaper based on his early dialogue about how Michael says his "articles aren't 'verbose' enough."  This is a poor choice of words.  Verbose means overly wordy, excessive.  Newspaper articles need to be concise and to the point, dishing out a bunch of information in a small amount of space.  You're dialogue is suggesting that his editor wants him to basically be "MORE excessive" which makes no sense.  This is the first of many actions/lines that doesn't make sense and needs to be changed for your story to start to work.

Jenny walks to the door and looks out the letterbox...  I've never heard it called letterbox, but I'm assuming this is the mail slot?  If so, why is that her course of action?  When someone knocks on your door, if you're going to look before opening, you'd look through the peephole.  Now, maybe if she were to look through the peephole first and not see anyone, then perhaps she'd change her vantage point.

After a knock at the door, Jenny sees a man/kid in a hoodie standing on her porch...  Why does she automatically conclude that he's trying to "break in?"  I guess you're trying to suggest that she's paranoid, and that this is not the first time she's acted this way in front of Tom, which is why he immediately dismisses it.  But if that's the case, why all of a sudden, when she tells him that the person outside is wearing a hoodie (which is nothing more than a sweatshirt with a hood) does he hop on the "it must be a burglar, let's check all the locks" bandwagon?  When I first read that line, I thought he was being sarcastic, but then he sprung into action locking doors with her and I found out that I was sadly mistaken.

Why is Jenny fumbling for the lights in her own living room?  She should know where the switch is located.  How far apart are the dining room, living room and front hall that two of them are lit and the third is pitch black, with seemingly no light seeping in from the other two?  It's not like you can draw a blue print or anything on your screenplay, but you should draw one in your head to help you keep track of the spacial relations of your rooms.  Know the layout of your location, especially when you're writing something that takes place in a single location where the action is moving from room to room.  Perhaps if she were going into a bedroom to check the windows you could avoid the light issue.  It would also be more common to find a mirror like the one you're probably describing in a bedroom rather than a living room.

Why does Jenny not know she's been stabbed?  I guess your argument would be shock, but it's still quite a stretch.  Why is Tom so adamant about it being in her imagination when she's clearly freaked out by something?  He should be trying to comfort her, not prove her wrong.  Why could Jenny only see the Hoodie in the mirror in the one scene, yet she sees him outside and then behind Tom without the use of a reflective device?  Why does the Hoodie bother knocking on the door if he can just "appear" inside?  What does he want with this couple anyway?

It seems like you just combined bits and pieces of a few different horror/suspense films in a very odd way...  The Strangers (random, faceless attacker), The Sixth Sense (not realizing he/she was shot/stabbed), every horror movie EVER (the mirror bit & the light switch) and maybe even Shaun of the Dead (looking through the mail slot).

I'd like to see what this could be if you added depth to Jenny and Tom and gave the Hoodie some motivation.  Congrats on completing the challenge.

-Brian K. Millard

One use of the F word does not automatically garner an R rating. PG-13 films can use it once or twice.

That is true.  Eagle Eye had 2 F bombs in it, surprisingly.

Definitely has a creepy element going for it, but like most of the others have stated before, this feels rushed, could have used the extra time and space to polish it up. Others have already mentioned how a couple is living in an abandoned house, and how they immediately assume the hoodie is a burglar. This one could really benefit from more backstory and expansion. Give it a go.

An easy read. But I think you should have spent more time on it.  I didn't really feel anything for the characters. But I think you had an interesting idea of Jenny wanting some romance and Tom not getting it.

Ditto what most have said, could have spent a little more time and effort on the story could have achieved more.

Not too sure what the hoodie is trying to be, human? supernatural?
I did like jenny being completley oblivious to the fact she had been stabbed, a good portrayal of someone in shock.

Congrats on the attempt though!  

OK, I'm sorry, but I just have to ask...is this "hoodie" literally just a floating sweatshirt with a hood on it?  Every time I see the word "hoodie", I start cracking up.

This is a pretty basic story, I think. There are just too many people with hoodies.

Quoted from VeselinStoqnov This is a pretty basic story, I think. There are just too many people with hoodies.

That's what makes it scary, man... It could be (looks around suspiciously) ANYBODY!!!!!  :o  More than likely it's probably just someone (caught) in the rain looking for someone to tell them how to format properly, though.

I know I'm a bit behind on the times on this one, but I just read it (noob here).

I did like it overall. I agree with most people's gripes, and it was obviously rushed. But I liked what I think you were trying to achieve.

I think what would've solved a lot of people's complaints would be to add a page to it where:

Jenny drops, Tom spins around, the wheel slips on the pool of blood and he falls to the floor. "Hoodie" leans over him, blade in hand. Lightning flashes, illuminating a distorted, supernatural-appearing face. "Don't worry, you won't feel a thing." Sinister laugh. Fade to black. Everyone's problems solved.

As for Jenny's lack of knowledge about the house, maybe they were just dating and she didn't live there. Would also explain the small reminder that he is in a wheelchair.