I Hate Edward Cullen by Adam - Short, Comedy - After his girlfriend breaks up with him because he isn't "Edward enough" for her, Jason discovers the Twilight series and takes an instant disliking to it. He meets the perfect girl and she's surprisingly never heard of Twilight. He needs to make sure it stays that way.  10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Later draft can be found here: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1292389111/

This made  me laugh so hard.

I have to admit, I was a bit put off by the title but I read it anyway. I'm glad I did. One of the funniest shorts I've read while on the site.

I bet every guy of this generation has experienced this one time or another. Very good read, can't find anything wrong with the formatting or anything. Short, to the point and executed very cleanly.

I like the way that Katie mirrors his actions towards the end, albeit with a different reaction. And I love the twist in the end.

Hey Adam,

This was good. Writing was a bit stiff in places. For example, " Let me tell you why. It’s because I fucking hate him". And this "His expression is of boredom." But I liked the way you told the story. It was a chuckler followed by a groan. Much like an overacted SNL skit.

Work on losing the "is" , "it" and "and" to speed up the read.

Good use of short descripitions and dialogue. The slugs were unusual "AND THE DAY AFTER THAT" but worked.

Gary

I liked it.

The beginning of it could be shortened up to the moment he meets Katie. Then I think you could get rid of montage and show her seeing all the books and Twilight videos at his place. --just a suggestion. I just thought that montage spoiled the pace.

The ending was funny. Very nice work, I think.

Thanks for the input advice, guys :-) I appreciate it. I'm also glad you liked it. This is the very first draft. I rewrote it http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1292389111/s-0/#num4
It's now called Live Free or Twihard and I'm currently filming it.

To be honest, I liked the name and the idea, but it wasn't really funny. The montages where he reads the books and she reads the books...it interrupts the pace and makes it boring.

The scenes where he watches the films delivers a laugh or two though.

I thought the ending was predictable.

The formatting is good though, I don't see any problems with the formatting, just the story.

Cute story -- Luckily my wife hates Twilight and we've never seen any of them... We aim to keep it that way... For my daughter's sake. (16 months old now).

Anyways

A) You should double space after your periods.

B) You need to have a FADE IN: and a FADE OUT:  

C) You need a THE END, centered in the middle of the page -- A dialogue cue is usually what some people tend to do when they don't know how to use their screenwriting software properly though.

Other than that and one instances where you got sloppy and gave too much information without breaking it up --> Not bad.  

Here's the movie guys, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcPXNx85fRs

ill start this off by saying that i did not read either of your scripts. you posted this 6 months ago and return now simply to post your vid. however, in those six months, you have not read any other members' script. you have only posted four times and i can count each time you posted (all within your own threads). shame on you sir.

HOWEVER, based on everyone's comments, i decided to give this one a look. unfortunately any humor that was in the script, has been lost in the transition from paper to film.

for starters, you need to fix your audio levels. the VO's almost made my ears bleed.

for the love of god, invest in a tripod. nothing says amateur like unnecessary shaky camera angles. this leads me to believe that you are either A) poor or B) lazy. then again a rock is free and provides plenty of stability. so i guess you're just the latter.

for some reason the british accents actually made this more annoying. and the girls? lets just say that i wont be attending my cousin's wedding in england this fall for the bridesmaids. why is it that when i think "british chicks" i picture lucy pinder, but when i actually see a chick from britain she looks like mr bean with split ends?

sorry i couldnt be more positive on this one. just wasnt funny. you simply echoed annoyances that guys already experience and can relate to first hand. every guy knows what blue balls feels like. that doesnt mean you should film a red rose tea bagging a nutcracker.

oh and take out the camera stills. what are we filming? an 80's music video?

good luck next time greengrass.

I remember reading this script. I enjoyed it for what it was, but I completely envisioned it quite different on film. I commend you for picking up the camera yourself. Too many writers just post scripts here hoping for someone to film them.

That being said, the production is very amateur. To echo Will, very shakey camera work when it doesn't need to be. Audio is all over the place. Their dialogue echos off the hard walls so much, I missed much of what they said.

I also thought you drew out some of the scenes too long. I found it hard to sit through this ten minutes of film. I was bored. Much of the punch of the script seemed to be lost on timing your lines. I'm sure that was much due to editing, but comedy is all about timing.

Congrats on getting out there though! I plan to try my own hand at some film this year. You can come back and bash mine if you don't like it... Or wait. You don't comment on other peoples work. Its not a requirement Adam, just couth.

James

Kind of kooky and over the top, but hey some folks like that.

Congrats on your work.

Cindy

Just to defend the good old British accent. I believe these people are South African not British.  :)
Not that there's anything wrong with South African accent, it's a great accent.

Anyways, did try to take a look at this, found it really hard to get through, think the scenes were just too drawn out, it all felt very long and static.  Congrats on getting a film done tho.

Quoted from albinopenguin for some reason the british accents actually made this more annoying. and the girls? lets just say that i wont be attending my cousin's wedding in england this fall for the bridesmaids. why is it that when i think "british chicks" i picture lucy pinder, but when i actually see a chick from britain she looks like mr bean with split ends?

Nice...also, it's so absurdly clear that this lot aren't British. So nice ears there, too.

Anything else?

Quoted from albinopenguin ill start this off by saying that i did not read either of your scripts. you posted this 6 months ago and return now simply to post your vid. however, in those six months, you have not read any other members' script. you have only posted four times and i can count each time you posted (all within your own threads). shame on you sir. HOWEVER, based on everyone's comments, i decided to give this one a look. unfortunately any humor that was in the script, has been lost in the transition from paper to film. for starters, you need to fix your audio levels. the VO's almost made my ears bleed. for the love of god, invest in a tripod. nothing says amateur like unnecessary shaky camera angles. this leads me to believe that you are either A) poor or B) lazy. then again a rock is free and provides plenty of stability. so i guess you're just the latter. for some reason the british accents actually made this more annoying. and the girls? lets just say that i wont be attending my cousin's wedding in england this fall for the bridesmaids. why is it that when i think "british chicks" i picture lucy pinder, but when i actually see a chick from britain she looks like mr bean with split ends? sorry i couldnt be more positive on this one. just wasnt funny. you simply echoed annoyances that guys already experience and can relate to first hand. every guy knows what blue balls feels like. that doesnt mean you should film a red rose tea bagging a nutcracker. oh and take out the camera stills. what are we filming? an 80's music video? good luck next time greengrass.

Come on albino, that feedback is peppered with animosity. The accents, aren't British and to say all British girls are ugly . . . is a bit uncalled for. The Bell curve shows that most people are 'average' in any distribution you care to sample be it looks or whatever.

for christ's sakes guys, lighten up. okay the south african thing? ya got me there (then again it's a common mistake due to the fact that south africa was a part of the british empire). so my apologies to wickus. truth be told, i could honestly care less given the fluctuating audio levels. its hard to distinguish accents when everyone talks like a driver thru worker at jack in the box.

if this member was a regular poster, then my tone would be completely different. but i willingly sat through 10 minutes of this shit hoping that it would redeem itself at some point. but it didnt. and when the credits rolled, i was pissed. the quality of this video is so piss poor. and im not blaming the actual camera that was employed but rather the cinematographer and the editor. i made better films in my freshman year of high school. the filmmaker here is simply lazy. if he cared about his film (and his audience), he'd at least try to make a legitimate effort.

ill defend my statement about british chicks looking rough. my family comes from England and i've always been super proud of my heritage. but their women? yeesh...

This project started off with a great premise, which moved to a good script, then ended with a bad film.  Plain and simple.  

My guess is the excitement of the initial concept burned like a fast fuse on a bomb, leading DirectedbyAdam to complete everything before the bang.  

My advice, sloooooow dooooowwwnn and try again.  

Hi everyone

Firstly, I’d like to thank Simply Scripts for putting my movie on the home page. I really wasn’t expecting that (Forum readers are thinking “If you were on here more often, you’d know this).

I agree, I should be on here more often and I should watch and read and comment on other people’s work. I’ll do this from now on. And no, I’m not just saying that.
Secondly, I’d like to thank all of you for the constructive (and harsh) criticism. None of you are the target market for this film, evidently. But all of you know a lot more about filmmaking than the average Twihard/Twihater.

This film was difficult to make. It was my first proper attempt at making a movie. I did everything on my own. I wrote, directed, shot and edited and did the sound (Sound is officially the hardest part of filmmaking I’ve ever encountered).  
I must admit that I agree with some of your criticisms when looking back on the film.
I agree with the voice overs being too loud. I actually recorded different voice overs and for some reason when I returned to edit the film, they had disappeared along with some editing I had done that day. (Evidently the project hadn’t saved or something) I was in a rush to get the film completed because I was uploading it to Youtube as part of my portfolio for Film school application in Canada (I can hear some of you laughing now).

I rerecorded the voiceovers and completely forgot to regulate the sound with the rest of the film, which is something that I had spent a lot of time on the day before. After watching the video on Youtube the next day, I was rather annoyed. But it took so long to upload the video through Youtube via the movie editing suite and the University had already received it and I was far too busy to reattempt this. But I really wish I had as it would’ve made all the difference.

The tripod scenario…I had one with me throughout the entire process but I will admit that I didn’t use it. I tried and I felt that it just made the film feel stiff and in general, it annoyed me. I preferred holding the camera. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with “shaky cam”. The camera needs to move. You can’t have a still unmoving shot. It’s boring.

Yes, this is clearly South African. I was concerned about how people would react to the accents and it seems most haven’t minded. But then again, most haven’t minded the film. Let me tell you that I have really received a lot of positive feedback for Live Free or Twihard. People that hate Twilight think it’s funny and even the fans like it. I know that it has a set in target market and that anyone who has no opinion about the series can’t really find anything to enjoy in this film.

Of course it also didn’t turn out exactly as I envisioned it (what can one expect when making a movie using their friends as the actors?) But I think they did quite well. Comedic timing is everything when it comes to a comedy and I understand it falls flat sometimes but that’s because my friends are not actors and they are not comedians either.

I found your comments about the girls very rude, Albino. There is nothing wrong with the way any of them look. They are all beautiful young ladies.
With regards to it being too drawn out, yes I know. If I were to make it today, I would’ve made the montage scene (especially the first) very quick, maybe 30 seconds at the most.

And thank you, Albino for eventually calling my film “sh*t”. I appreciated what you had to say up until that.  I did make a legitimate effort and I do care about my audience.

I’d like to see some of your filmmaking, Albino.

I’ll end this off by saying I hope you remember my name in a few years time.

Thank you.

Adam

PS: Film school acceptance letter was received. Will be starting in September.

Hey Adam,

What film school?

York University :-)

i'm going to ignore the bit where you said this was part of your college submission. needless to say, i hope this short is not reflective of your work ethic.

and im sorry if I offended you adam but this film is utter shit. ill be the first one to stand up and say that film making is hard. and good lord, dont get me started on audio (its probably the most annoying aspect of film making...next to lighting of course). i can relate to everything you're saying, but it still doesnt excuse the final product. why? because i can overlook some factors considering that this is an amateur film. but i can't overlook the "shortcuts" that you employed to make the film. just look at your post and you'll see your own mistakes. you rushed to put this film up, yet this was your first film. this leads me to believe that you waited until last minute to upload it. if this was your first film and it was a college submission, then you should have given yourself more time. editing isnt easy. it takes time to master. you rushed this film and now you have a sloppy short on your hands.

i love your comment "you can't have a still unmoving shot. its boring." are you fucking kidding me? i honestly have no idea where to begin with that statement. shaky camera effects should be employed during POV's and gritty battle sequences. not for close ups of twilight posters. THAT my friend, is laziness, and that's why i'm calling this film shit. laziness...and lack of preparation.

you combat our remarks by saying that we're "not the intended audience." then why did you put this up on the forums then? furthermore, i hate the twilight series. ive seen all the films, sat through countless expectations, and heard multiple people (including girlfriends) ramble about the series. havent read the books, but i feel like i have (unfortunately). needless to say, i have a lot to say about the series and have a pretty poignant opinion about meyer's work. and guess what? i still didnt think your film was funny. it added nothing new to the table. it was like a bad comedian on stage saying, "hey guys, you know that twilight series? yeah? it sucks. and its annoying. right? herp derp."

btw your "they are all beautiful young ladies" remark made me laugh. i hope you get a lot of sex in college. seriously. im not being facetious or sarcastic this time around. have fun in college...and have a makeup/hair stylist on set.

good luck in film school. i honestly hope you learn a lot (once again, not being sarcastic). the whole idea of going to film school is debatable. some say its worth it, others say its not. personally, im with the latter. i went to film school, got straight A's, and then realized that i didnt have to go to film school to make films (so i changed my major). you're just going to learn the rules of film (but you wont be able to break those rules until the very end of your education...if you're lucky). quite frankly, you could just buy a bunch of books and learn the rules of film yourself. and then invest that money that you would have spent on film school into a kick ass feature film. i think the cost of one class could cover the cost of a boom operator. problem solved!

You're right, it is really expensive and even more so seeing as I'm an international student and I would much rather be spending the money on making a feature film. But I want to get out of South Africa so that I can work my way to the top in an international market.

I appreciate the comments. No animosity is necessary over here.

Thanks Will.

Well I think describing his film as utter shit is harsh as by his own admission, it was his first. Nobody ever get's everything right first time at something so complex.

If the film helped you get into Uni then it was good enough. AP is right though, you don't "need" to go to film school, but being around people that want to make films, forming successful partnerships, having the ability to pick up some decent equipment and shoot whenever you want, they will help you progress quickly! I'm not long out of a film course and I miss it!

A tip for the future. Just like you have to practice screenwriting to write a good script for a movie. It's useful to practice the individual elements, pure sound recording, lighting for photography and motivated movement etc. Get a basic grasp and even your basic productions will come on in leaps and bounds.

Good luck at York Uni, you aren't too far from me so if you ever want any help on film hit me up.

It is harsh. But I guess one has to learn to deal with the critics and bad reviews early on. These have been the first negative comments I've received about the film.

That's why I want to go to film school. To be around those that love film and filmmaking as much as I do and to network amongst other reasons.

Thanks for the tip. I should do that, yeah.

Thanks that's much appreciated! PM me your email or Facebook profile :-)

hey Adam, glad to see your taking people's advice and my harsh criticism into consideration. to be completely honest, i half expected you never to return to SS. but here you are and taking a lot of shit for it haha.

to be blunt, youre better than this short. everyone seemed to really like your screenplay, so you're capable of producing great films. just dont take shortcuts and always, always, always try to achieve better. you can always do better than you expected. film school wont tolerate shorts like these. if you do, you'll see yourself get lost in the crowd. perhaps why im so bitter toward amateur films is because ive sat through countless student films in school (most of which suck). college is the time to show off and stand out. learn as much as you can. so bring your A game...lest you get your degree and still work at orange julius.

Hey Adam,

I've met a couple people out here in Vancouver who attended York for film.  Reviews were generally positive, so I suspect you've made a good choice.  It sounds like you're going for the right reasons, too -- film school is first and foremost about being surrounded by like-minded people...not, as Albino notes, about the education that one can easily get on their own time.

Albino's point about the handheld camera is well taken.  The camera shouldn't be handheld unless you have a very specific purpose for that choice.  Unnecessary handheld is annoying to watch in major films, and in "amateur" stuff, it's unbearable.

First films are fun.  When you make them you're incredibly proud; a year later you're incredibly embarrassed.  :D