Wager by Ian - Short - Tied and gagged to a chair in a dinghy and desolate garage, a mans desperate attempt to break free looks more unlikely with each second that passes by. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

Ian...

Don't know you... if you plan on filming this yourself then fine, but if not, i'd get rid of all those camera angles.  I would say they took me out of the story, but... hold on...

You got a lot of telling and no showing.  Try to avoid telling us what the character is thinking.  Some of the writing is redundant.  Typo in your logline.  Spacing in your slugs.

Others may disagree but too be honest... the story... there's none here.  Just some guy trying to break free until someone cuts him loose.  Take a few more pages and add some meat and potatoes.

I could have missed the point of the piece... but I don't think so.

Good Luck,

Ghostie

First of all i would like to say thanks for taking the time to leave a comment on my screenplay. Much appreciated.

Secondly, i have limited experience in writing screenplays and this is actually the first time i've uploaded one to this site so, of course, there are going to be mistakes that only practice can eradicate. As for the story i was trying to set it up as if the man was in genuine peril and fear for his life, until the payoff, where we actually learn that the situation he finds himself in is all part of an elaborate bet that he had going with his friend; to escape from the situation within a minute, which he obviously fails to do. Perhaps this wasn't made explicit by me or, like you said, you missed the point of it. i realise the story is very limited, but i wrote it with the intention of filming it as a short, experimental project more than anything.

Thanks again.

My biggest problem with this script, Ian, is the ending.  No one likes to read a script to find out the threat isn't real. It's like reading a script where the main character is in dire peril, only to have it end where he wakes up from a bad dream.

The camera angles, CUT TO's and everything else like it can be taken out.  Doing this, and tightening everything else, will result in a two page script.

Read some scripts, here, and see how people describe scenes and tell stories and such.  It's a great learning experience.  And leave feedback.  We're whores for feedback.


Phil

Thanks for your comment phil. After re-reading my script i can see that there is a lot that could be cleaned up but, as i said, this was just me practicing really and i do appreciate the feedback on here as it's the only way you can really improve. Regarding the ending i would have to disagree. i think the example you gave of someone waking from a dream when the audience believed what they were experiencing was real, is just cheating the audience and is something that i hate myself and was certainly not my intention. I wanted to have an unpredictability about it with an humours payoff at the end; perhaps i didn't execute it as well i hoped but, like i said, that was my intention. I will certainly read more scripts on this site and improve my writing and as the old cliche goes, practice makes perfect....well, as close to perfect as i can get anyway.

Thanks again.

Quoted from ShotOfJack Regarding the ending i would have to disagree. i think the example you gave of someone waking from a dream when the audience believed what they were experiencing was real, is just cheating the audience and is something that i hate myself and was certainly not my intention. I wanted to have an unpredictability about it with an humours payoff at the end; perhaps i didn't execute it as well i hoped but, like i said, that was my intention.

When you throw a character into a given situation, the reader feels for him.  If that character is in danger, we feel it.  And when you make us think he's in danger, only to pull the rug out from under us, we feel betrayed.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe When you throw a character into a given situation, the reader feels for him.  If that character is in danger, we feel it.  And when you make us think he's in danger, only to pull the rug out from under us, we feel betrayed. Phil

With the exception of Rod Serling...  I can't count how many times he gave us the misdirection, yet I never one time got sick of it.  I love everything he ever did.  

I love the TZ where the sun is moving closer to earth and everything is dying, water is drying up and the world is in turmoil... At the end we find out it was all a dream and the woman was having a nightmare brought on by her fever -- Outside the window it's snowing.

Loved it.

I know i'm new to the forum, but as a director (not writer) this is a script i can get behind. Its written visually enough i can run with it.

I do enjoy the deception at the end, its a twist ending thats fun for me as a viewer to receive.

Ian, have you shot this yet? I'd be interested in tackling it

Hi there Gautch. i haven't shot it yet but hopefully i will be soon. Thanks very much for your comment and i'm glad you enjoyed it.

And thanks for your comment again Phil, but i guess we're just going to have to agree to differ on the matter. Of course there are situations where you are correct to say that you are betrayed as the audience, i just don't believe this is one of those situations. But it's always great to see differing opinions.

I think all you have to expand on it. Who is this man and what does he want? Then maybe there could be a twist...

Mark is your protagonist, or at least feels like it. If you have him as a bad one in the end and the man who wants him to "pay up" as a bad one - that could twist it around. But even if no twist it feels incomplete if you don't tell us anything about them and answer the question you raised - why Mark is tied up to a chair and what this mans wants of him.

Ian, how are you?

Couldn't help but give this one a read, three pagers don't take a whole lot out of my day.
I actually didn't mind it, though I did tackle it from a director's point of view.

I don't see the camera angles as a draw back, so long as you plan on filming this yourself (I too use them when working on scripts I plan to produce)

Didn't hate the twist ending, I think it would be to much of a cliche' horror film without it. When I was reading it I actually thought he was going to turn out to be a magician who would be in danger if he didn't execute his trick in time... or something like that.

Anyways, good short all in all. If you did plan on filming it try to make it as visually appealing as possible, so people will forgive the similarities to the set ups in SAW haha.

Hi Jayden. Thanks for your comment. Really glad you liked it. And hopefully i will be filming sometime; the sooner the better.

Thanks again.