I can suspend disbelief with the best of them, but to don the Welder's suit and go after Lark just doesn't work, IMO. It's one of those tacked on endings that we see all too much in horror and for me, takes away from the res of the script.
How is it foreshadowed?
Without the flashbacks, Walden doesn't have the rage motive to attack the Lark/creature. Afterall, all he saw was her kill the Welder.
There's no loop that I'm aware of.
OK...read this and then read all the feedback and felt like I must have missed something. Skimmed over it again, and came to the conclusion that it wasn't me who was missing anything, but everyone else. We'll see when things are revealed.
First things first...this is well written for the most part. Not great by any means, but very solid, especially compared to the vast majority of OWC entries, and actually, even compared to most SS shorts in general, so Kudos!
I think I know who wrote this, and if I'm right, this is leaps and bounds above what "he" has churned out up till now, so again, Kudos, if I'm correct. I'm basing my assumptions on a few things...the action sequences (which are pretty good, but not quite there, IMO) and the way that the "generic" cars were given colors. Again, we'll have to wait and see.
So, for me, this isn't anything to do with merging time lines or the like. Other than the incorrectly not labeled Flashbacks, this all plays out just like it appears to. Not sure why everyone feels differently.
I see this as a pretty generic/standard torture porn slasher type short, melded with some sort of creature Celtic myth in Lark. It all works OK and again, is written pretty damn well, so I applaud you, but I do have issues that don't jive at all for me..but again, maybe I'm missing something.
Let's go back to those Flashbacks that aren't labeled. It's something that irritates me. If a scene is a Flashback or dream, it needs to be labeled as such. No way around it. If you're trying to fuck with your reader, I understand, but there really isn't any reason to do so. It makes things unfairly confusing. So, if these are indeed Flashbacks, you need to come out and tell us.
What Lark is, is a mystery to me. I'm not going to go back and look at all the various options we had to work with, but let's assume she's some sort of evil creature that likes to eat the entrails of the living. She may be small, but she's obviously very formidable...so...I have an issue with the whole setup. For some reason, she let this Welder dude grab her, tie her up, stab her, etc., before killing him and eating his innards. Why? Why then also attack Walden? And why couldn't she overcome Walden?
The whole Welder thing is both good and bad, IMO. It's a cliche character that we've seen in various forms in thousands of movies. Nothing inherently wrong with that, but for a short that runs along typical torture porn themes, IMO, we need reasoning, as well as strong characters and I don't see either here.
So, in the end, Walden subdues Lark, but she escapes, and he decides to don the Welder suit and mask and do what? Start a killing spree of his own? I don't know...it doesn't fly with me, but maybe I am actually missing something here.
Looking forward to the reveal and some clarification.
Whatever the deal turns out to be, this is a solid, thought provoking OWC entry and one of the better ones for sure. Strong writing, lots going on, and you seem to have hit a nerve of interest in the masses here. Congrats on that!
Quoted from stevie
Liked the writing, overall, except the non-use of flashbacks, but it only vaguely fits the challenge, with Lark.
Quoted from RayW
The author has my sincerest sympathies watching all of this. :B
Yeah, I am sure the author is loving the attention. I don't know how it usually works, but it's good to have a few scripts people can debate and try to understand, improve.
Since there are some still reading, figured I would give this a boost with a post. No idea who the author is, I promise.
In many ways this is the best of the bunch. It starts out in a classic horror setting and hits the suspense rail almost right off the bat. The match thing humanizes Walden in a visual and simple way. We sense his anxiety without seeing him quiver or anything that blatant. Brilliant.
In following the van and getting out of it, there is a sense of the heroic which attaches us to the character. You find yourself saying, "don't get out of your car, call the cops!".
You suspect almost from the outset that the girl is the creature, but that's ok. You know there is at least one twist coming, you think that's it, but when a story is well crafted, you don't mind, and you want to hang around and find out.
If you don't try to reason it out, you like the ending. You're intrigued that the hero now finds himself the Welder.
There were some downsides to the story. The first is that there is nothing Celtic about it I can see. The OWC did have a couple non-Celtic creatures on the list. This probably should have been better explained, but my personal assumption on that was that if one used such a creature they should somehow "Celtify" it.
The other potential problem here is there is so much of the story that is cliche. Not necessarily bad, as that is common in horror, and I suspect that the abundance of these cliches in this story is evidence that the effect was intentional by the author. The girl being chased in the woods, the masked, aproned villain, the guy and girl tied up, the villain stirring a potion in the cellar with "Satanic" books on the shelf...all this was perhaps intentionally designed to tweak with an ending that is not cliche. So one could either be really annoyed by it, or play along and be amused by the ending.
The next problem is the main one raised above: the problem of the creature itself. Not gonna go into what has been covered above. I'm gonna see if we can discuss fixing the situation, if I can be so bold.
Let's look at basic facts, and see if we can make them work:
1) Lark is fast enough and strong enough to kill a dear, probably without a weapon
2) Lark is captured by Welden, who is large but slow, limited in sight by his mask, and does have an ax
3) Lark has trouble escaping being bound to a chair
4) Lark overpowers Welder and eats him in the cellar
5) Lark attacks Walden, but cannot overpower and flees
6) Walden is fast enough to chase Lark on foot
7) Larkcan to some degree adopt different human forms; we see her beautiful and hideous.
note: it is mentioned in a post that Lark can possess others, meaning Lark is one who had been possessed by the creature. There is no evidence for this in the script, and the obvious question would be why she did not attempt to possess Welder or Walden.
My first attempt at making Lark work was this: she is fast and clawed, but her strength is less than that of a large man. So she can catch a deer, gut it, and gut a man, but cannot overpower a man, especially if he is armed with an axe. She was able to kill Welder not because she was stronger, but because it was dark, his vision was constricted, and she is fast and clawed. She swooped in and sunk her claws before he could react. Then lunch.
But if she's that fast, how can Welder catch her in the woods? In a welder's mask?
Ok, maybe Lark is not that fast. Then how did she kill the dear? Maybe she has some other skill. She puts the dear in a trance, holds it still. She lies for hours on a deer path patiently waiting. Plausible.
Then how does she kill Welder? Dam it!
Maybe she's the ultimate sprinter. Super fast over extremely short distances, but then she runs out of gas. That's how slow humans catch her. But she has the short burst to kill an unguarded human or a an unwary deer.
What about magic? Does she have any magical powers, besides changing appearance? Could that be used to make this work? Maybe she has the candle from the Flesh script, she can freeze time, but only for a moment?
Well, I tried. That's what coffee does to me! Maybe someone else can chip in. I wanted to bump this one back up so people will read it and wrestle with it. It's a great script.
My sense is there was a great starting concept: Walden will become Welder. The theme would be, "there, but for the grace of God go I!" The challenge was to pull it off, to get from A to B in a believable way.
The question is did the writer pull it off? Can we buy it? If not, can it be saved with tweaking? The writer may have ideas. He's probably pissed at the audacity of my questions, but he doesn't know where I live! Nothing he can do!
The more important question is what would a film festival audience think. Never been to one, can't help with that. It probably will be that how we get from A to B won't much matter. The fact that Walden becomes Welder will be enough to impress a large chunk of the crowd. However, if the journey between A and B can be made a little more sensible, so much better the chance for this will be! If one idea from a reader helps the writer, he has given great service. So hate me if you want, but hopefully something helped. And great job on the script, a master at work.
Have I been here long enough to say this? Well, live with it...you people that make a big deal about whether the "fade in" should be right or left...seriously? Is it really that important. For the love of...I'm pretty sure "fade in" will not appear in the film.
Whoever the author here is, very nice work and congrats! I strongly suspected this was the winner the moment I read. This writer knows what works. Great job!
Quoted from Baltis.
It's very important for Flow and Pace. What people, mainly amateur's, overlook is the structure of a script and how important it is that you nail certain criteria and aspects down to a science.
Can you right FADE IN: right justified to the 1.5? Sure you can... But we can also read books backwards. Having FADE IN: on the left of the page means we jump into our movie and read it from left to right. It's a flow and pace thing. It's a blueprint thing. It's a traditional thing.
I don't know about you or anyone else but I like reading left to right... It might be old school, but it works. I like ending a book by turning pages to the left too. It's just how I am.
Can you get away with putting it on the right side of the page? I'm sure many have to a level of success -- But why change the record if people are still dancing to the current one? Some people, myself, don't like change. Others do. It's a taste thing. It's a style thing. You do what works best for you and your style -- Some, myself included, will pan it -- Others will applaud it.
Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
Let's put FADE IN in the middle!!!