Sundae Best by Martin Cox (chelsea) - Short, Drama - Stephen knows what he wants and how and where to get it. 1 pages - pdf, format 8)

hmm, i dont even know what to say.  1 page?  you get right to the point, i think the dialogue is off, i dont know if saying three things with an elipsis like that is acceptable.  Is this even a short?  i dont know.  make this kid a little schemer and give him a ten page story.

Martin,

I like stories with bratty kids that get their comeuppance.
This feels more like a set up than a completed story.
All due respect, this feels like the wrong draft got uploaded.
No title. No author. No Fade In or Fade Out.
You got a promising start here for a nifty short about a brat.

E.D.

While I didn't like the story, I thought it was well written.  You told it in one page, which is no easy task.


Phil

Martin,

Not bad for one page. It’s hard to do definitely. I understand space constraints don’t always allow a FADE IN or FADE OUT. I agree with Phil, nicely written just not that compelling of a story.  Cute if I had to pick a word.

STUPID SUGGESTION ALERT

Maybe the kid needs to get knocked down at the end kind of like the girl getting hit by the bus in Mean Girls. You cringe, I laugh.

Ellipsis use, mm, I don’t know. Read okay. If a one pager is on your to do list, you can check it off.

GARY

Would probably be a funny 1 minute film if the kid was talented enough to pull off the shift. I'd personally get rid of the mum. Have him eat it all sad and then reveal the lie matter of fact, leaving her to stare in shock as he skips off with another story to tell and gift to gain.

I would never even attempt one of these. I admire it. Can neither bash nor praise it. I like your writing, you know that.

To build on Andrews idea, which I like, Maybe have him skip off to another park bench. finding another willful donor of goodness. Then have the women witness as mum busts his ass... Then he gives them all the finger. Bird. With an ice cream face littered with cotton candy. Only to have him trip when he turns, face first into a dog pie.

This script needs some just deserts.

James

Thanks for the reads guys.

I did put a message up with this post that it is probably going to be an entry for a one pager comp. (Guess that got missed).

I posted it here to see if it did have "legs".

Yup, no FADE IN...FADE OUT...THE END and slightly overused ellipses but I was really pushed to get it all on to one page!

Anyhow, I'll stick it in and see how it fares.

Once again, thanks guys.

Best.

Martin.

I've read a lot of them on MP and examined the ratings on those - one page comedies and especially the ones this light never fair well. You have to make us laugh out loud and even then I think...

For what it is it's good, I think. I prefer a different kind of comedy however, something edgy - but that's my problem.

There's a great one pager on MP and you can find it here and even that one didn't even get a Honorable Mention. Here http://moviepoet.com/script.aspx?scriptid=1011
(but you have to log in to read it)

One suggestion though - I think it would be better if Kevin was a girl. I just couldn't see him cry and pretend... probably just me.

Good Luck to you, although I did say too much here perhaps...

Hi Khamanna.

You can never say too much too me. Every comment has a value and the fact that you and others take time to read and comment on my work is fantastic.

Thanks for the tip on the MP script. I'll give it a look.

This'll be my first competition so I'm not expecting too much, maybe a DISHONORABLE MENTION :0)...but as they say, "If you don't buy a ticket...".

Best.

Martin.

Eh. You got the setup, the payoff and it's cute for a second. Everything's more or less cohesive. But I'm sure I'll forget about it in fifteen minutes.

I've written two of these myself so I'm not completely exonerated but I'm starting to think these one-pagers are just kinda pointless. So you can write a story. Great. Write a longer one.

I think you do deserve some points for putting a clever reversal on the "taking candy from a baby" concept, whether consciously or unconsciously, but meh. You could blow this up into a two or three pager like some have suggested but I'm sure it wouldn't have any more impact than it already does.

Heh...for one page you still got stuff in the wrong order.

All that talk about dead parents and running away should come BEFORE he gets the sundae.

The old lady takes pity on the kid, buys him an ice cream.  (A whole sundae is overselling this piece).

Who walks up to a kid and gives them a sundae out of the blue?  It's just weird.

Rearrange the first half of your one pager and maybe make it two pages and maybe you'll have something.

Hey Martin.

Lol.  One page.  Now I know you're just trying to get a lot of reads.  :-)

I was going to be kind of an asshole and break this down word-by-word to see if I could give a one page story a five page breakdown.

Like your first line can be changed to read better.

'A cherubic BOY 7, sits sobbing. Matronly MAVIS 60’s,
approaches, sits, offers a huge ice cream sundae, caring.'  -  Is what you have.  It's a mouthful.

I'd write it like this:

'A cherubic BOY, 7, sobs.  MAVIS, 60's and gentle, approaches and sits.
Offers him her ice cream.'

Get rid of those '-ing' verbs.  They don't read well.


I was going to go through the whole page like that.  (I still might.  If I get bored one day...)  :-)

But this was pretty good for what you intended it to be.  I agree with Bert, though.  Make that boy work those tears for that ice cream.

- Mark

Hey James.

Thanks for the read and comments.

This was/is for a one page competition, so I was a little hog tied but as always I'll take all advice given and see if I can develop it further.

Thanks again.

Best.

Martin.

Hi Bert.

Thanks for your time and comments.

When I first drafted this I did have Mavis finding out what the kid's problem was and then going to an ice cream vendor...but I couldn't get it all onto one page.

The more I look at it and the more advice I receive, feel I really need to re-visit it and expand.

Thanks again.

Best.

Martin.

Hey Mark.

Thank you so much for the read and suggestion.

Where the hell were you when I was writing this?

Seriously though, yeah the opening could read better and I like the idea of Mavis giving the kid her ice cream. (I repeat...where were you...?)

Thanks for giving me A fresh view.

Best.

Martin.

For one page, you get a lot in there. Feels like a commercial of some sort, but that's probably due to the length.

Didn't get me excited, but it was cute. Not an easy exercise to do.

Good job and good luck!

Thanks for the read and your positive comments.

If it does anything I'll let you know.

Best.

Martin.

The story seems promising, but it's hard for me to say any more than that.  It would've been great if this was longer.  The kid has a lot of potential to be a good main character.  Keep up the good work!