A Few Will Find This Difficult

Hey guys. Thank you everybody for taking a look at this one.

I just want to set things straight right off the bat that I absolutely love my mom... but not TOO much. :-)

Hey Matt,

Quoted from dressel

you did forget to label the flashback as a flashback in the beginning.

You know, I thought about that during one of the revisions and decided that people would be able to figure out what was going on, so I left it out to make the story less obtrusive and let it stand as it is, hoping that no one would get confused. I've got flashbacks quite a bit in my stories and I try to format them differently everytime to see if one way feels better than any other. So far, I don't like any way that I've formatted them.

Quoted from dressel

I'm not sure I really liked the framing device you chose (telling it through flashback), but I'm not sure if you could pull it off the other way.

I wrote this story about a year and half ago and I told it chronologically, so I showed all the gruesome stuff he was doing with her, then the only twist was that she was pregnant. I decided to change it and tell the story this way to help conceal what he was doing with her in the beginning. For me, doing it that way seemed to add an extra element at the end, or towards the end.

Quoted from dressel and leitskev, respectively

All in all, you've left me speechless. .... I am speechless Mark

I once heard that Andy Kaufman loved it when he left his audience speechless, whether the silence was in awe or whether it was awkward. I feel kind of the same way. At least silence is a reaction. Might be good or bad... but it's a reaction.

I didn't write this just to be disgusting. This character popped into my head and his story was just kind of screaming to be told. Trust me, I didn't feel comfortable writing it. I don't ever want my mom to read this one. :-)

Thanks again, Matt, for reading.

- Mark

Hey Kevin.

And thank you for checking this one out, too. Dang you guys read and respond fast. I'm a fast typer and it takes me forever.

Quoted from leitskev

I thought she was in a vegetative state? So it was his imagination when he felt her stir? Not sure I want the answer.

No, you don't.  But I'll tell you anyway.  Her internal sexual organs were still functioning, so she was still able to ejaculate if he hit the right spot(s).  (You guys should so be thanking me right now for cutting that scene, because I had originally shown not told that part.  Bet I won't get any complaints for telling and not showing on this one!)

Although, that one scene after he had did his urine drop?  You don't want to know what he was wiping off her cheek and chin.

As for if it's possible for someone in a vegetative state to have orgasms or squirt...  I don't know, but fuck that!  I ain't calling up no hospitals or specialists and getting my name on a list somewhere!

Quoted from leitskev

Any connection to his drug addiction?

No.  Him and his mother have been doing this since way before her accident, even when he was a little kid.  His drug addiction had actually started when is mother was in the accident and he was getting all these drugs to take care of her.

Well thank you very much, for reading this one, Kevin.  Sorry it was a little disturbing.

What's up, Gary?

I usually watch CI more than I do SVU.  Do you happen to know which season the episode you're talking about was?  I wouldn't mind checking that one out.

Quoted from grademan

This was much more repulsive. Great job!

Lol. Thank you very much.

Quoted from greg

This was good. Gross, sure, but you played it off enough so it wasn't too in-your-face.

Thanks, Greg. Originally I showed a little more of Eddie's and Jacquelin's love for one another, but ultimately decided to cut it out and let it stand only as a nasty little twist at the end. I was hoping people would take the story more seriously this way and not think that I was just out to make people sick. Although, I guess if people take it seriously and they still get sick, that would be an even better reaction, huh?

Quoted from greg

The other is an OWC piece by Jordan Wiebe called Spoiled

You know what, I came across that piece in somebody's signature before, (actually, I think it was the Milked Edition), and I meant to check it out but never got around to it. I can't remember what Jordan's screenname is right now, but I'll have to check that out. (Although, I might wait a while just to get the nastiness of this one out of my system.)

Quoted from greg

Definitely a creepy, disgusting ending and a horrific situation you created. The only thing that was ehh for me was it took a little long to get going. Edward explained a lot of stuff right off the bat that I think you could have integrated into VO's or something.

I've been doing a lot of Voiceovers in my stories lately and I've kind of been trying to stay away from that because I think I'm resorting to them, or using them as an escape to show internal conflict, way too much. I still love voiceovers and I still have stuff I'm working on right now that use them, but I'm looking for other ways to show things that are going on in a character's head. That's one thing I've really been struggling with lately. Well, that and proper slugs.

Thank you very much, Greg, for reading this one. I'm really glad you enjoyed it.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Spoilers!

Wow. That was a good twist. Never saw that one coming, but thinking back now, I should have seen it. I like the hints (him kissing her on the lips.)

I think you should have a experienced reporter doing the interview. Will cut a lot of the opening out and head straight into Edward's story.

When I read this, this was priceless:

Quoted Text

As for if it's possible for someone in a vegetative state to have orgasms or squirt... I don't know, but f*** that! I ain't calling up no hospitals or specialists and getting my name on a list somewhere!

LMAO! I can't help but laugh...totally understand, man. lol.

Gabe

Hey James.

I was trying to rival your cropdusting.

Quoted from jwent

Godamm, Maybe you should enlist Bert's advice on this one. Seems like something he would write.

Lol. Actually, I told him to skip over this one when it's posted. On the thread for my last story, he mentioned that my work was maturing. I imagine he'll be shaking his head at me if he ever does come across this.

Quoted from jwent

I think anyone on the end of the telephone should be (V.O.) . Argued it many times. I'm sticking with it.

And you'll argue it once more. :-) Not tonight, though. I had about two perfectly worded paragraphs that took me forever to put what I was thinking into words, then my internet timed out and I lost my whole post. Tomorrow, I'll get my train of thought back and let you know my defense for using (filter).

Quoted from jwent

You have an eerie insight to all this... Ha ha...

Lol. Which part? I hope you didn't mean the motherloving. :-)

Quoted from jwent

oofa, I just had to run and take a shower.

Trust me, I felt dirty writing this one. It's hard to write despicable characters and have to go inside their feelings and try to understand and sympathize with their points of view. All right, I admit, usually it's fun to write despicable characters, but not so much for me this time around.

Quoted from jwent

I want more disgust from the reporter.

I wasn't sure just how much disgust from her I should show. I was hoping to get the feeling across that she was definately repulsed, but, because she was a little bit armed and aware of the case (thanks to her index cards), I wasn't too sure just how far to take it. Because she's so young, you're probably right, she would be showing a lot more disgust.

Anyway, thank you very much for the read and your thoughts, James. I'll be seeing you around.

Hey Gabe.

Thank you a lot for checking this out.

Quoted from Mr. Ripley

thinking back now, I should have seen it. I like the hints (him kissing her on the lips.)

I was hoping I didn't put too many hints in there and give it away. You picked out the kisses on the lips. Then him only wearing a towel while wiping her chin and cheek. The box of condoms by his mom's bedside. (Which I guess they didn't do their job in the end anyway.) But those were only used for him to smuggle urine anyway.

There is actually another big huge hint... well, I won't say a big huge hint, cause it is buried pretty well... but I want to see if anybody figures it out or mentions it, though. So far, nobody has.

Quoted from Mr. Ripley

I think you should have a experienced reporter doing the interview. Will cut a lot of the opening out and head straight into Edward's story.

You know what, I don't even know why I made her a scab from college anyway. I guess probably just to add a dynamic to her character and not make her sound like a cliche'd journalist. You are right, though. The story would cut to the chase quicker and they wouldn't have to go through as much exposition.

Thank you again Gabe for reading this one. Glad you liked the twist.

- Mark

Hey Mark

Firstly, kudos for being bold. 'Fortune favors the brave' right?

This is a taboo subject that I wouldn't even contemplate addressing.

I love the understatement of your log line. Good stuff.

Not sure that a greenhorn reporter would get this assignment, even in a strike, but it actually worked for me. I feel that if you'd made Savannah a hard nosed reporter, the initial meeting with Edward would've been more confrontational.

As it is, I like the way Edward takes control of the conversation, giving us a quick glimpse of his compassionate side. (I did say "QUICK!!)

Tesla's disinterest is dealt with very well and then, through experience, she instinctively knows there is more to Edward's story...well done.

If your intention, or at least one of your intentions, was to make the reader feel uncomfortable then..POW! you did it with me...jeez, I feel a bit like a peeping tom/voyeur and it's not a great feeling.

But then again, to illicit those feelings means you did a good job.

On the flip side, as mentioned by others, the flashback was missed and there are a number of unfilmables in your descriptions

The word 'just' appears 'just' too frequently in your action lines and I'm not certain that Edward would use terms such as "Atrophying" and "She's comatose. She's in a vegetative state" in everyday conversation. Just MHO :0)

Also, more of an aside than anything else and I really don't have any knowledge of the law but where would the authorities stand legally and morally when a comatose woman is made pregnant by her drug abusing son?

However, that's opening up another discussion...but back to the start, kudos, overall a good job and stay brave!

Best.

Martin.

Hey Mark

QUOTED TEXT:

What's up, Gary?

I usually watch CI more than I do SVU. Do you happen to know which season the episode you're talking about was? I wouldn't mind checking that one out.

ANSWER:

Don't know. There's 12 years of SVU episodes and I can't be sure which of the Dick Wolf shows it was. Sorry.

Hey Martin.

Thanks for checking this one out.

Quoted from chelsea

Not sure that a greenhorn reporter would get this assignment, even in a strike, but it actually worked for me.

Glad Savannah ended up working out for you in the long run. I wanted her to show some emotional reactions at the end to what was going on. I think a professional journalist would hide their emotions. I wanted her to be uncomfortable.

Quoted from chelsea

If your intention, or at least one of your intentions, was to make the reader feel uncomfortable then..POW! you did it with me

I think honestly it was one of my intentions, but only because it's such an uncomfortable issue anyway, I didn't want to skirt around it and make it seem like it's no big deal or that this issue is dealt with everyday.

Quoted from chelsea

The word 'just' appears 'just' too frequently in your action lines

I haven't gone back yet to look to see how many times I used it, but I think I know what you're talking about. Sometimes I get a little too used to using certain phrases or a certain way of telling things. I'll have to learn to pay attention and correct that more often. Thank you for pointing it out.

Quoted from chelsea

where would the authorities stand legally and morally when a comatose woman is made pregnant by her drug abusing son?

That's a very good question that I think can open up a whole can of worms for arguments. Honestly, I hope the law will never have to answer that question, (as far as I know, there's never been anything like this,) but I imagine that an incest charge would have to come into play at some point, also, but would probably get dropped because prosecutors will want to focus on the raping of an unconscious woman. I think the rape part of the case will stand out more than sleeping within your own family.

Thank you again, Martin, for taking a look at this one. And thank you for the accolades of bravery. You made me feel like a lot less of a sleeze. :-)

-Mark

Mark, twisted little tale you've got here. I'm almost scared to ask how you came up with the idea for it! :o

I thought that this had been going on between them since before the accident, but I wasn't 100% sure. It was kind of alluded to, but never explicitly stated. I don't know if your intention was to leave it up to the reader to decide, or not.

I had to go back and read it again to try and pick up on little things. Things like when he says 'Her mind is mush. She doesn't feel a thing', makes me wonder if he is meaning she doesn't feel a thing when he's having sex with her. It's easy to look at every bit of dialogue for some extra meaning that possibly isn't there.

With the condoms in her bedside table, was he using those just for the urine or when he was fucking his mum too? (There's a sentence I never thought I'd write) Was it just a condom breaking then that led to her getting pregnant? Or in his drugged out state did he use one of the condoms on his mum that had a hole in it from the drug test?

Overall it's nicely written, I think the ending needs something though. It kind of feels like you didn't quite know how to end it, and it just sort of stops rather than having an ending that really packs a punch. I think because the twist is so shocking it's hard to top that. And after the twist is revealed there's another couple of pages left, and it gradually deflates IMHO. I think the more you can try and get the twist to come as close to the end of the story as possible, the more effective it will be.

Cheers,
Tim.

Mark,

This is the first script I've read since being gone for a month. Very well written. The dialogue flowed perfectly for me. Aside from the disturbing subject matter this is probably my favorite of all your scripts so far. Good job. I agree with Tim, though. The ending drags on just a little too long.

Hey Tim and Michael,

Thank you guys for taking a look at this one.

The idea for this? That's actually a good question, because I have no idea. I promise you it's not based on a true story (at least not mine) or anything like that. Most of my stories I usually base on a weird dream I have or something like that, but this one just kind of popped into my head back in January of last year and I remember thinking, 'Ooh. That'd be kind of a sick story.' So I sat down and gave it a shot.

Quoted from trojan

I thought that this had been going on between them since before the accident, but I wasn't 100% sure.

I'll have to go back and look at making that more clear, then, because that's one thing I definately wanted to come across was that they were 'loving' each other even before the accident. (In the last scene, Edward talks about how it wasn't rape, even when his mother was diong it to him when he was a little boy.) :-) As nasty as it seems, I'll have to go back and make it stand out even more. Sorry it wasn't clear.

The condoms on the bedside table were meant strictly for the urine-penis. I wanted to make that clear after the reveal, but things were getting bulky as it was and I didn't want to overload it.

Quoted from trojan and screenrider, respectively

And after the twist is revealed there's another couple of pages left, and it gradually deflates IMHO. .... I agree with Tim, though. The ending drags on just a little too long.

Guess I overloaded it, anyway. :-) I'll have to see what I can do about that last page or two.

Quoted from screenrider

Very well written. The dialogue flowed perfectly for me. Aside from the disturbing subject matter this is probably my favorite of all your scripts so far. Good job.

Awesome. Glad you liked it. And good to see you again, by the way.

Thank you guys both again for reading this. I'll have to do some more thinking on that ending.

- Mark

Have you considered turning this into a comedy and selling it to the Farrelly brothers? You'd just need to add a couple of retards and a midget and you're all set ;)

Me, Myself and My Milf
There's Something about Mom
The Vegetarian

(Sorry, couldn't resist)

Mark,

good work on this one. Very white pages.  I liked this one so don't let the following let you think otherwise. It's only my thoughts.

We kind of have three shockers here. The first one being using the mother's urine. I liked that idea btw. Very good. Don't spotters have to actually watch? They do with women. They stand in front of you and watch...   Second shocker is the pregnancy thing. Somehow I wasn't as shocked by that one even though I should be. I think it might have to do with your title and logline. Those two together made my mind think along those lines right away. I would suggest changing the title. Since I was already suspecting the incest with the mother, the mother/little boy incest which is the third shocker wasn't really that far fetched to me. That does by no means mean I didn't like the story! Besides the title change, if you could delay the reveal of the two last shockers to come later it might be more effective. That's just IMHO of course.

Also thought Edward went on a little too much in the end. Some of it started seeming repetitive.

Great work!!  :)

Quoted from rc1107

Lol. Which part? I hope you didn't mean the motherloving. :-

Ha, not at all. It was this lengthy and detailed message from the parole boards office...

WOMAN
(filter)
You've reached Mahoning County TASC
services for Tuesday, March twenty-
second. The following are to report
for urine screen today. TASC Track
One, Judge Henry's Juvenile Court
Phase One, and TASC Track Four, are all
to report for urine screen today...
You've reached Mahoning County TASC-

Not much of that made a whole lot of sense to me, but I said to myself "Wonder if he's had to call that number before?"

James

Hey pia, thanks for taking a look at this one.

It's funny, I was thinking about it earlier today after I read your story. It's actually a really weird coincidence how Don posted our stories at the same time. Your story's called 'The End', which is also the name of a song by The Doors. Well, the Doors' 'The End' was inspired by the story of Oedipus, which is the story of a king who ends up sleeping with his mother. That's kind of weird. (Or, maybe Don knew what he was doing. :-) )

Quoted from pia

Don't spotters have to actually watch?

Unfortunately, I have to speak out of experience on this one. Whenever I had to drop, I always had one of three guys who came in with me. Two of them just stood back against the wall behind my back much like in the script, but the third one always stood close and watched with an eagle eye. (It's weird, I've never gotten in trouble for drugs and I've only ever even tried them once or twice in high school, but when I got into some trouble a little while ago, I still had to drop.)

Ahh! I'm going to get blasted for my title again! I was hoping to squeek by this time without anybody mentioning anything. Actually, when I first wrote this about a year and a half ago, one of Edward's lines was actually that a few would find his story difficult. But when I did the overhaul for this, his dialogue bit sounded on the nose and fake, so it disapeared from the story. However, I still thought that title was catchy so I kept it. I realize it probably does give away the story, though.

I'll also be reworking the end a little bit, too, so it doesn't get dragged out any longer than it needs to.

Thank you very much for telling me what you thought about what changes need made and I'm really glad you liked it.

I'll be seeing you around, Pia.

- Mark

Quoted from jwent

but I said to myself "Wonder if he's had to call that number before?"

Lol. Everyday for about six months. I was on Track 4, though, and they only called for us about once a month, and it was always Saturday. I would never want to be in Track 1.

And, for the record, no, I've never had to fill a condom with someone's urine to pass a test, but a friend of mine did it twice. The first time, he used my urine and everything went fine. The second time, he said when he pricked the condom, it kind of busted the condom and the urine fell all over.

Mark,

Good script. Well, written. Quite a bit of a shocker. I liked that you didn't show us the actual act and let us discover it without actually mentioning it. I would suggest you continue that trend and remove the dialogue about the fluids or other specifics. An act of love can't really be couched in physical terms after all. I would also suggest that the last speech be cut down because it's repetitive.

SPOILERS

Page 10:  "I felt her spasming when I was inside..."  This is the point where everything becomes gratuitous.  Edward wouldn't just volunteer the whole sickening monologue at the end.  We have to see Savannah push for it.  What's exciting about the darkness is the process of uncovering it, not the actual darkness.  Pretty much anyone can think up something really gross and write a story of a guy confessing to it.

Savannah's the one that's going to guide us down through this whole nasty story into the deepest, darkest parts of it.  But she has to actually take us there.  We want to follow her in a search for truth, not just have the story laid out in front of us.  Imagine if the final dark revelation in Chinatown had come about when Gittes right off the top politely asked Evelyn Mulwray about her family history and she just told him everything.  Bullshit, right?  Gratuitous, disturbing, bullshit.

The story here is tight and interesting, but for the darkness to sell Savannah has to earn it.  I'm not interested in someone's disgusting story; I can think up as many of those as I want.  I'm interested in the story of someone who seeks out the truth and finds that it's horrible.

So what am I saying?  I guess I'm saying that I need to know a bit more about Savannah, I need her to push Edward a lot more, I need to understand why she keeps going, why she has to know the truth.  How she feels about that truth.  How it relates to her.  There's a good story here, but it needs to be about Savannah, not about Edward.  The way it is now, it's just sensationalism, and I don't like it.

Also, Edward's last speech is just plain boring and reduces the impact of the sucker punch realization moment.

Hey Mark,

Nice little feel good script you have here. Right up my alley. I like how you take some of the things that otherwise might be overlooked and draw attention to them such as-

He flicks a lighter under the ladle and heats it. Blows a waxy film off to the side of the spoon. He draws the liquid up in a syringe.

That's shooter talk. Really detailed. I liked that.

Also the use of the condom/piss.

Someones been on an aftercare program before...
LOL.

I do wish you could give a bit more description to you charectors when you Intr them. Small bitch though.

You know what I thought would have been a good touch when I read this a second time. Him explaining at the end about how she must have enjoyed it by the way her heart monitor beeped faster when he was on top of her.

Sick little thought, I know.

I have to tell you, this was really decent and had a creepy enough of a feel to work.

Good job!

Shawn.....><

Well... That was uncomfortable. lol A seriously interesting read though. The writing was tight and the story had a nice flow to it. I do have one question. Did the mom willingly have sex with her son when she was healthy? That's what i took from it. All in all some good work here man. Thumbs up.

~Zack~

Hey Michael and Heretic,

Thanks, guys, for checking this out and letting me know what you think. Yeah, Michael, I figured this might be one story I won't get bashed for telling and not showing.

Quoted from mcornetto and Heretic, respectively

I would also suggest that the last speech be cut down because it's repetitive. .... Edward's last speech is just plain boring and reduces the impact of the sucker punch realization moment

I'll be working on the end of this, take a little bit of the monotony out, see if I can get the information in that scene out in a better way. I think the information in that scene is important to know, and I didn't want to put it in the beginning to give away the reveal, but I'll look for a better way to show that information.

Quoted from Heretic

We have to see Savannah push for it. ... Savannah's the one that's going to guide us down through this whole nasty story into the deepest, darkest parts of it ... I need to know a bit more about Savannah, I need her to push Edward a lot more

I actually really liked Savannah's character and, when I was writing the first scene, knew that there was a lot more I could do with her.  I think you're right, she could push Edward a lot more like any good journalist would.

The reason why I didn't explore Savannah any further is because I wanted to keep the story brief, and expanding the story, I felt I would lose some people's interest.  When the story occured to me, the heart of it was the deranged love between a disturbed mother and son and I didn't want to stray too far away from that.

But you're right.  It would be interesting to see Samantha have to work for the answers.  Edward does tell the story all too comfortably to her.  But I kind of wanted that, too, because in no way did I want Edward to show that he was ashamed of what he was doing.  To him he wasn't doing anything wrong.  To him, it was natural.

Thank you again, Michael and Heretic, for reading this.  And thank you for your thoughts and ideas.

- Mark

Hey Shawn,

Quoted from ledbetter

Nice little feel good script you have here.

Thank you! I'm in the middle right now of making Edward younger and doing it as an animation for Disney/Pixar. They really don't have many stories geared for the West Virginian drug addict demographic.

Quoted from ledbetter

That's shooter talk. Really detailed. I liked that. Also the use of the condom/piss. Someones been on an aftercare program before... LOL.

Lol.  Actually, I've never had a problem with drugs.  (Only experimentation in high school.)  I've never liked drugs.  They always got in the way of my drinking.  (I have done some alcohol programs, though.)

All the shooter talk, unfortunately, I got online.  It's kind of sick when there's a site out there dedicated to teaching you how to shoot up properly.

I didn't really do much character description at all, did I?  Guess I just wanted to jump right into the story.  I'll go back and see if I can throw little somethings in.

Quoted from ledbetter

I read this a second time.

Ew. You're a friggin' pervert. You really read this a second time? I didn't even want to do a second draft, let alone want to read it again. :-)

Quoted from ledbetter

You know what I thought would have been a good touch? Him explaining at the end about how she must have enjoyed it by the way her heart monitor beeped faster when he was on top of her.

Yes, it is a sick little thought. I love it! That's awesome! I'm going to fit that in somehow. (Don't worry, I'll give you a percentage of whatever Pixar pays me.)

Hey Zack,

Thanks for taking a look at this. Glad you thought it was interesting. And uncomfortable. :-)

Quoted from Zack

Did the mom willingly have sex with her son when she was healthy?

Yeah.  They were lovin' it up since Eddie was a little kid.  Edward briefly mentions it in the scene at the end.

Anyway, thanks, both of you guys, for checking it out.  I'm really glad both of you liked it.

Hmm.  So far nobody's brought up what I thought might get noticed right away here, especially for those people who look for secret meanings.

Hey Mark,

I'm pleased to see you getting a lot of feedback on this one.
This is very well written, save for weak flashback labeling and thin character descriptions.
I tried hard to avoid the spoilers in this thread.
You caught me napping with the pregnancy.
Your writing cadence lulls me into a narrative slumber and I'm in the moment.
I like this very much, but two things bother me about the tale.

1) I get the impression you were unsure how you wanted to end this story.
    When Edward rambles, he loses his power and hence my interest waned a bit.
    Perhaps this dramatic fizzle is tied to my second point.

2) Savannah Bean (great name!) is a bit of a wet noodle on the page.
    In order to complete the proverbial circuit, I need to know more about her.
    It's not just about Edward, how does this affect her own personal demons?

For this script to fully blossom, we need a dynamic link between the two.
He lures her in like telling Savannah where she can find old letters or something.
Some kind of proof of the childhood deal, now she's hooked.
But why is she hooked? Was is it about Savannah that needs to dig deeper?
It has to be more than a headline grabbing court case.
Does she need to vilify Edward for her own reasons?

I think when you can answer these questions, Savannah will tell you what she needs.

Fine work, look forward to seeing where you take this one.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Bret, how you been?

I was cleaning out my mailbox lastnight when I saw an e-mail from you that was opened but I had never read it. I'm sorry, I didn't even know you had written back, yet. I'll send you an e-mail back about it tonight.

Thanks for taking a read at this. I wasn't too sure if it was needed or not to label it as a flashback since it was pretty evident, but since more and more people have been bringing it up, I'll go back and label it.

Quoted from E.D.

You caught me napping with the pregnancy. Your writing cadence lulls me into a narrative slumber and I'm in the moment

Hmm. Is that a good thing that I caught you off guard, or is it a bad thing because I was putting you to sleep? :-)

Quoted from E.D.

I get the impression you were unsure how you wanted to end this story.

You're half right.  I knew that I wanted it to end with him saying that he only should've gotten the rape charge and him telling his kid how loving his mother was.  Which is what I did.  But I also wanted to let people know what happens to him down the road with the charges.  (Which, of course, I didn't do.)  I didn't show what happens to him later because, honestly, I don't know what the courts would rule on this one.

I imagine they'd drop the PV and the incest and only charge him with rape.  (But I'm not totally sure on that, either.)  I also didn't want to drag this out into a long courtroom drama.

I understand everything you're saying about Savannah Bean. (thanks, btw.  I really liked her name for some reason, too.  Her backstory is that her dad is two cousins removed from Mr.)

Heretic brought up a lot of the same points as you did about focusing more on her.  The reason I didn't in the first place is that I wanted this to be one of my shorter and quicker stories, so I focused mainly on Eddie.  She is definately somebody I'll be doodling around with later, though.

Thanks again, Bret.  Glad you liked it.  The three stories in your sig are the only ones you have on SS, right?  Or do you have anymore floating around that I haven't read yet?

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107

Hey Bret, how you been?

Hmm. Is that a good thing that I caught you off guard, or is it a bad thing because I was putting you to sleep? :-)

Hey Mark!

I'm chugging along and on schedule regarding that project I mentioned to you.
It's a rare treat to be able kick back and let someone's story wash over me. :P

Quoted from rc1107

I imagine they'd drop the PV and the incest and only charge him with rape.  (But I'm not totally sure on that, either.)  I also didn't want to drag this out into a long courtroom drama.

I understand everything you're saying about Savannah Bean. (thanks, btw.  I really liked her name for some reason, too.  Her backstory is that her dad is two cousins removed from Mr.)

Heretic brought up a lot of the same points as you did about focusing more on her.  The reason I didn't in the first place is that I wanted this to be one of my shorter and quicker stories, so I focused mainly on Eddie.  She is definately somebody I'll be doodling around with later, though.

I didn't see the expansion as a courtroom drama.
However, I do see a lot of feature potential in this story.

Quoted from rc1107

Thanks again, Bret. Glad you liked it. The three stories in your sig are the only ones you have on SS, right? Or do you have anymore floating around that I haven't read yet?

- Mark

The first short I ever wrote was for the October 2010 OWC.
You can find it here if you're in the mood for a ghost story. :P

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-10OWC/m-1287528032/

Regards,
E.D.

Excellent twist at the end! I can certainly say I did not see it coming. Great job!

**SPOILERS**

I really sympathised with Edward up until the incest was revealed. Although his speech at the end seemed a bit to long. I would have preferred to exit sooner.

Also I was curious about his drug addiction at the beginning. I thought it would be great to have the reporter interrogate him as a low life drug user, but it would later reveal that the distain she has for him is really his incestuous crime.

A hard hitting story! ;)

Hey Loulou,

Welcome to the boards. (I like your avatar, by the way)

Thank you for taking a look at this one. I'm glad you liked it. Trust me, it makes me feel good to hear things like that because I didn't want people to think that I was just trying to gross them out, I actually wanted them to take it seriously.

Quoted from Loulou

Although his speech at the end seemed a bit to long. I would have preferred to exit sooner.

Yeah, that last scene did get a little bit monotonous I realize now. Sorry about that. I'll be taking steps to deliver the information in that scene a little better.

Quoted from Loulou

I thought it would be great to have the reporter interrogate him as a low life drug user, but it would later reveal that the distain she has for him is really his incestuous crime.

Lol.  That'll actually be another step I take when I come back to this story again.  I think it'll work out a lot better that way.

Thank you very much for your thoughts on this one.  Once again, I'm glad you liked it.

Have you posted anything here on Simply Scripts that you'd like someone to check out?  If so, just let me know.  If you haven't posted anything, let me know when you do and I'll he happy to take a read.

- Mark

Yes, I'm a newbie, and keen to get my stuff read by this cool board of intellectuals!

I have a short film called 'Crossing Over' which I posted a few weeks back and got no feedback from. Haha! I'l have to work out if I can link my scripts to my profile thingy. Love any thoughts questions or qualms you have on it.

Post more of your work! ;-)

Thanks for the Avatar like too! ;-)

Hey Mark,

I read this one earlier in the week and it has kind of stayed with me, so I figured I'd throw in my two cents.

I have mixed emotions on this one.  On the one hand, when I read something like this, my immediate reaction is that the writer is trying to sensationalize.  I realize that writers are supposed to evoke emotion, but then there is the other side of the spectrum where is comes off as an obvious attmept to shock.  Some people go for that type of thing as writers and readers, but I don't particularly care for it.

I have to admit, that when you made the reveal, I kind of felt like it was an attempt at sensationalism.  But, like I said, I kept thinking about this one, and I thik I changed my mind.  And, the reason for that was the line (***SPOLIERS***) that you included about how this had been going on for sometime between the mother and the son.  Okay, one could argue that it's still an attempt to shock, but I think it added a layer of, dare I say, realism to the character's motivation.  Though obviously not common, there are instances where you read about this kind of stuff happening (maybe not to the extent that you've gone, but unfortunately it's not totally unheard of).  Anyway, that little line giving some insight into the character's motivation kind of changed my mind about this one.

That said, I think the son's protestations to the reporter went on a bit too long at the end.  I think you might be better served by just having him say something like, "I love her..." and then show a creepy grin break out across his face as the reporter looks on slackjawed through the partition.

Anyway, as I said, at first, I was a bit conflicted about this one, and it's still not pleasant material, but it def has stayed with me, so kudos for that.  Best of luck.

Craig

Hey Craig.

How have you been?  I'm glad you decided to share your opinion.  I can definately see where you were coming from when you thought this was just a gross out story done for shock.

While you're right, I was trying to make the story somewhat uncomfortable (it's an uncomfortable subject to talk about afterall), I'm glad that you saw that I did sit down and take it serious.  I wasn't just trying to get a sucker punch in there and then leave.  I did try and sympathize with him to tell his story, (though I never sided with him), I did try and give a reason why he was like that.

I try and do that with a lot of my stories, which is why a lot of them have to do with some disturbing subjects, or characters.  Really, thank you Craig, for telling me how you felt.

:-)  Yeah, I know I drag it out at the end.  I'm thinking of how to get the information in that scene across better in the story.  Sorry about that.

Thanks again, Craig, for taking a look.  I'm glad you decided to leave your opinion.  It's very much appreciated and it nice seeing you again.

- Mark

So all week I have been watching this build up comments very quickly, and I finally had a chance to sit down and give it a look this weekend.

Now I know why.  It is depraved haha.

But as I have told you before, I am very fond of the way you straddle that line between exploitative nonsense and actually having a story to tell.  In different hands this could easily have been a throwaway piece, but you manage to lift this sort of material out of the gutter while still managing to examine its dark underbelly.  It is a skill.

I have not had time to go over all the comments, they grew too fast, so I am coming at this without knowing what the masses already think, and hoping I am not too repetitive.

I like how the fine details ring true here, and find that I really only have one broad comment that I think you should address here.

That is the character of Savannah.  Her dialogue is mostly on-the-nose, serving only as a foil for Edward and merely reacting to what he says.

I suspect you have seen Slingblade, and are probably quite fond it.  This opening scene is quite reminiscent, and I 100% recommend you seek it out if you have not seen it (though that would surprise me).

What you might not know is that Slingblade was based off a short film -- which was pretty much just that opening interview -- and handled a bit differently than the film itself.  You should check that out, too.

Bringing this back to Savannah, that is why I am recommending you revisit these bits of cinema.  To make this piece really complete, this experience should transform Savannah a bit.  In Slingblade, once the young reporter has heard Karl's story, her worldview has been transformed.  She is a different person -- and that is a big part of the power found in those opening minutes.

I like this piece well enough as it is, but try to capture that kind of lightning in this piece and it will really be something special.

The fact that the mother and son had a sexual relationship before her coma actually makes this less disturbing. Well, not the story, but it makes him less creepy, because as he mentions, she probably would enjoy it. Anyway, this is bold, and for that I like it.

I like that the reporter is a rookie, and I think that is why he decides to tell her the full story. I don't think you need to go into Savannah's character anymore, but the one thing that stood out to me was in the end, she seemed like a different character. At first she's shy, naive, and nervous. In the end, she speaks rather bold to him. That didn't ring true to me.

Cleanly written. Fast read. I don't like the title because it gives too much away, but at the same time, the title did get me to read it... :)

Nice Job!

The ending didn't do anything for me. I read it and thought, "Okay..."

I was not drawn into the story as much as I should have and, as a result, the ending had know impact. A big part of this might be because the characters were extremely flat. I didn't feel anything for them. Perhaps if you made Edward more a desperate a character and grittier.

Hope this helps.

Phil

Hey Bert.

Thank you very much for your compliment about straddling that line.  When I first wrote this, I had definately gone balls to the wall and way overboard and it was much much more gratuitous.  (I planned on taking those parts out the whole time, though, even while I was writing them.)  I didn't mind writing those in at the time, because I knew when I scaled back the 'totally uncalled for' parts, there would still be a heavy feeling of discomfort because those horrible images would somehow still be lingering around in the scene.  (For example, when Eddie's wiping his mom's face with a rag, I never really exactly say 'what' he was wiping off.)

Lol.  I'm a huge Billy Bob Thornton fan, so you're very right, not only did I see 'Kaiser Blade', I loved it.  --Some folks call the movie Sling Blade but I like to call it Kaiser Blade.--

Wow.  It is reminiscent of the beginning, isn't it?  I never thought of that.  That was totally unintentional.  I knew that 'Sling Blade' was based on a play written by Billy Bob, but I never knew that it had actually been shot as a short film.  I just now went and checked youtube and, sure enough, they got the whole version there.  I know what I'm going to watch before bed tonight.  :-)

Actually, when I first wrote this, Eddie was by himself in his cell trying to write and sell his story to the newspapers to try and afford an attorney instead of an appointed one.  (I had a court appointed attorney once before.  ONCE.  I'll never make that mistake again, I don't care how much they cost.)

Well, that version was heavy voiceover and I wanted to stay away from that, (as you know a lot of my stories have more internal conflict than external),so I devised Savannah to help get his story across.  And you're right, I don't have her panned out as her own character.  She is just someone to do what I need her to do to get the story across.  I'll have to come back to that point and try to make her her own, see how she sees things instead of how I need her to see them.

There's been others who have stated that this would work better from Samantha's point of view and have her discover for herself everything in Eddie's closet.  I think this would definately give this story that extra mile it needs.

Thank you very much, Bert, for taking a read.  I'm glad you checked it out even though I told you not to on the '2911.21' thread because this one was a backwards step from my work maturing.  :-)  But, since you didn't retract that statement, I'm happy.

And wow, nobody's still mentioned anything about Eddie's and his mother's name, which I thought would've been a dead give away to how this one was going to end.  Maybe it was only required reading at my school, since I have talked to other people and they weren't familiar with the story at all.

Anyway, thanks again, bert.

Hey Brian.

Lol.  I was just thinking about 'Faking It' today.  You know you've written a good story when somebody reads your stuff and, after reading about twenty other stories since, yours is the one that sticks out.  For anybody who happens to be perusing this thread and sees this:  I highly recommend checking out 'Faking It'.

I think you might be the first person to say that Savannah doesn't really need any delving into.  I really wanted her inexperience as a reporter to show.  That's why, like you said, in the beginning she's shy and nervous, asks the wrong questions.  Then, at the end, instead of her sticking to the story and digging into Eddie's emotions and feelings and thoughts like an experienced reporter would, she chastises him and becomes rather accusatory.  She lets her emotions get involved.  I think her character needs a lot of work.

Thanks, Brian, for checking this one out.  I'm glad you liked it.

What's up, Phil?

Sorry this one didn't do anything for you and didn't draw you in.

I plan on giving this one some work in the future (the far future, though.  It's feature time in a couple of days!)  One of the things I'll be doing is working on Savannah's character, stop using her as a prop and give her her own personality.  I don't know if concentrating on that will help expand Eddie as a character too and resolve some of the story's other issues, but I do see that this needs some more work on it.

However, I am really glad that Jacquelin's character was extremely flat for you, since that's how she's laying!  (Yes, I know.  That was wrong and probably not even funny.  Don't be surprised if you happen to check back one day and notice that I 'Easy Edit'-ed that one out.)

Thanks for taking the time to read this one, Phil.  Your thoughts are very much appreciated.

- Mark

Just got done reading this, and while I see you're into the "bold header" movement, I'm still not all into it. But what I wanna know is what's up with the page numbers. You know

-2-
-3-
-4-

That sort of thing. I haven't read all the comments, so I don't know if it's been brought up yet.
Now, onto the story.

--SPOLIERAGE--

I'm going to ask this question in regards to the story. Here's the question:

What is Edward in jail for?

Once you answer that question, you'll understand why the script didn't work for me. *Not* because of the content, but rather, what is set up. The revelation that Edward had incest with his mother comes out of left field. The readers would not see it coming, that is true. THen it's suggested he's in for rape (wrong) and not the drug problem. It's also the problem.

Savannah would be somewhat familiar with the events that put Edward in prison. P/O violation over trying to cheat on a drug test might not be enough to take an interest in his case yo write a paper or article on. There has to be something sensational to warrant such attention. So her disgust at the end is right but not her shock or surprise. She has notecards, one which has his mother's name. I'm sorry, making a point that she's not a professional isn't good enough. She would have to know something about her subject and why he is where he is.

You'll note that i said the idea that he's in for rape is incorrect. If it wasn't, Savannah would already know that. The information I'm given is also that his original sentence was around a drug charge, which you don't get into that much. It's suggested he still has his drug problem due to him wanting to cheat the test, although he says this:

Quoted Text

I've been an addict for
a little over five years now. About
the same time as my mom's accident.

He's in his late 20s. So that means the accident happened in his early 20s. But take a good look at that. His original charge was not drug related; in his early 20s, he was out on parole. If the charge was drug related, it would have been a little more than five years....since he's out, taking "care" of his mother. His being back in jail is recent. Something about this doesn't quite add up for me. If he started his addiction at the same time of his mother's accident, then what happened that landed him in jail? It wasn't raping his mother, I'm sure of that. (Otherwise, they would not allow him to "take care" of her, correct?) Also, we have no way of hearing the mother's side of the story, so his views may in fact be delusional or related to drug influence.

The twists do not support the bookends. Some folks mentioned the flashback...I'm okay with it because what I would do is zap out that first part of the interview. Then keep the last end of it.

It's not a bad effort, but overall, it could be far better.

-DjS

Hey Darren.  Thanks for checking this one out.

Ha.  You're actually the first person EVER in ANY of my scripts to point out how I paginate my numbers.  (I went back and looked and noticed I've done that in all of them.)  Honestly, I never even realized I was doing the 'dash-number-dash' instead of the 'number-period', and I can't really tell you where I learned that from.  I know I came across it years and years and years ago when I was reading about formatting somewhere (prose formatting, not screenwriting format), and I guess I just got into that habit without ever realizing it.  Shit.  I got a lot of stories to go back and fix now.

Sorry I wasn't totally clear on some parts of the story.  I'll try and explain everything you brought up.

Quoted from Darren

What is Edward in jail for?

At the time that Savannah is interviewing Edward, Edward (who hasn't been to trial yet) is being charged for his probation violation and rape.  The rape because it's illegal to have sex with someone who is unable to give consent, whether they're incompacitated or given the date rape drug.  Someone in a coma falls under that category.  (There would also be an incest charge tacked on on top of those, which I didn't mention in the story because I didn't want it to run on even further than it already did.  I should've, though.)

So, and I'm sorry this came off as confusing and I think I know why, so I'll get to it in a moment, so Savannah already knows from the beginning, right off the bat, before she even interviews Edward, that this about him molesting his comatose mother.  Hence, that's why in the beginning she says 'Your case is unprecedented.'  She already knows his story, she's just relaying it from him as to how he had gotten caught lovin' up his mom.

I never meant for it to come off as a shock for her.  I just wanted it to upset her and that's why she chastises him at the end, not because she's hearing it for the first time.

The part I think where that came off as confusing was when Savannah asked in the beginning 'Jacquelin is your mother?'  I didn't mean that to be a question.  That's only supposed to be a statement.  'Jacquelin is your mother'.  She's just reiterating the fact that Jacquelin is Eddie's mom.  I should have never had that question mark in there.  Having that question mark, it makes it look like Savannah is questioning Edward because she doesn't know the story.  Sorry for that.  She DOES in fact know that Edward has been having sex with his comatose mother.

All right.  Now on to the next confusing part:

Quoted from Darren

The information I'm given is also that his original sentence was around a drug charge, which you don't get into that much .... He's in his late 20s. So that means the accident happened in his early 20s. But take a good look at that. His original charge was not drug related; in his early 20s, he was out on parole. If the charge was drug related, it would have been a little more than five years....since he's out, taking "care" of his mother. His being back in jail is recent. Something about this doesn't quite add up for me. If he started his addiction at the same time of his mother's accident, then what happened that landed him in jail? It wasn't raping his mother, I'm sure of that. (Otherwise, they would not allow him to "take care" of her, correct?) Also, we have no way of hearing the mother's side of the story, so his views may in fact be delusional or related to drug influence.

Yes.  His prior charge and the reason why he was on PROBATION, (he was never on parole) was in fact a drug charge.  But that didn't happen before his mother's accident, which it seems like that's what you took away from it.  (He had never even started doing drugs until after he started caring for his comatose mother and was getting them for free.)  (It's important to remember that he never had drug charges back then, that's only when his drug addiction began.)  He actually didn't get busted until four years and four months AFTER his mom's accident and his drug problem began, which is eight months PRIOR to his probation violation and drug charge and Savannah's interview.

You're right, I didn't get into his drug charge eight months earlier and I should have to make it crystal clear.  I didn't get into it because I didn't want the dialogue to get bulky and make things run on longer than they had to.  Basically, the back story was that he was pulled over (8 months prior to Savannah's interview) and was caught with a couple of the pills loose in his car, so he was arrested for that, but the judge gave him eighteen months probation instead of eighteen months of jail time.  (Which is what would have and has happened in real life.  6-18 months suspended jail time and 6-18 months of probation and treatment).

That's why, in the beginning, he told Savannah that he had been on probation for eight months before had had been busted with his probation violation.  And because he would've had to go back and do his original jail time, he had to confess that his mom was pregnant with his baby because he needed somebody to take care of her while he was doing his time and they had to be aware of her pregnancy.  That's when they tacked on the rape charges to the probation violation, and that's what brought around the newspaper's interest.

I'm sorry if I sound a little rushed and end this abruptly, but I have to get the kids up and ready for church.

Hopefully my explanations'll clear up a lot of the story problems, or plot holes, I guess you could call them.  If they don't, just let me know and I'll try to explain them better, which I should've done in the script in the first place.  I just didn't want to drag this out into a twenty or thirty pager and thought this could stand well enough as a ten-or-so pager.

Sorry the story came off so confusing again.  I'll make things more clear in a future draft.  I'll be seeing you around, Darren.  Thanks for your thoughts.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107

Ha. You're actually the first person EVER in ANY of my scripts to point out how I paginate my numbers. (I went back and looked and noticed I've done that in all of them.) Honestly, I never even realized I was doing the 'dash-number-dash' instead of the 'number-period', and I can't really tell you where I learned that from.

It's only a minor detail. I'm actually surprised, after reading the comments that even the strictest of folks here didn't seem to care/notice. Trust me, if I did that, they'd be on my butt.

Quoted from rc1107

Yes, it was the question, as well as her being a "scab" (being in her early 20s, it gives me the impression she's really green to this; and it's said the interview could boost her career or something like that). Combine the two and the ending and it reads -at least for me- a bit odd. At the end it sounds like she's shocked at his (delusional?) confession. BTW, some folks didn't like his little speech, I didn't have a problem with it, just so you know. But while Savannah would be repulsed by the action, she decides not to write the story/interview Then I had to ask, did she or did she not know? I went back to the start, saw the question mark, the remark about a newspaper strike, she's a scab. So this reads to me as if she was being set up for embarassment- but it didn't make a lick of sense for that because even if it was true, she would more than likely do other background research or know about the case.

Quoted Text

SAVANNAH
Ever. The paper came to campus last
week after the strike started and
needed help. They sent me to cover you.

EDWARD
Scab, huh?

SAVANNAH
Yeah. They said you could make or
break me. They said your case is
unprecedented.

EDWARD
It's not going to be an easy story to
tell.

"They said" "The paper came to campus last week"
Edward's response also makes it appear that she knows little about the case.
She's only been the paper for about a week, and when the strike is over, she's screwed.
Look at the end...

Quoted Text

Savannah closes her notebook, rubs a temple

Add that to the accusing finger - she already knows this information, supposedly- and she has lost this interview. So when we go back to the start, and see stuff like the above text, it makes it sound like she comes off wooden or, at best, uninformed. Since the shock value is important, I think of it as the latter - she is so green she's in over her head- but that doesn't make sense, so what we are left with is the other choice. That's why I'd much rather keep the last part of the interview and scale back some or all of the first bit.

This is also why, I think, some of the other folks had a problem with her character, and why she doesn't seem fleshed out. Yes, the ? I think makes a big difference. But it seems I fall in with most others here that the story is better without the interview/less of it.

Quoted from rc1107

All right.  Now on to the next confusing part:

Yes.  His prior charge and the reason why he was on PROBATION, (he was never on parole) was in fact a drug charge.  But that didn't happen before his mother's accident, which it seems like that's what you took away from it.  (He had never even started doing drugs until after he started caring for his comatose mother and was getting them for free.)  (It's important to remember that he never had drug charges back then, that's only when his drug addiction began.)  He actually didn't get busted until four years and four months AFTER his mom's accident and his drug problem began, which is eight months PRIOR to his probation violation and drug charge and Savannah's interview.

You're right, I didn't get into his drug charge eight months earlier and I should have to make it crystal clear.  I didn't get into it because I didn't want the dialogue to get bulky and make things run on longer than they had to.  Basically, the back story was that he was pulled over (8 months prior to Savannah's interview) and was caught with a couple of the pills loose in his car, so he was arrested for that, but the judge gave him eighteen months probation instead of eighteen months of jail time.  (Which is what would have and has happened in real life.  6-18 months suspended jail time and 6-18 months of probation and treatment).

That's why, in the beginning, he told Savannah that he had been on probation for eight months before had had been busted with his probation violation.  And because he would've had to go back and do his original jail time, he had to confess that his mom was pregnant with his baby because he needed somebody to take care of her while he was doing his time and they had to be aware of her pregnancy.  That's when they tacked on the rape charges to the probation violation, and that's what brought around the newspaper's interest.

I'm sorry if I sound a little rushed and end this abruptly, but I have to get the kids up and ready for church.

Hopefully my explanations'll clear up a lot of the story problems, or plot holes, I guess you could call them.  If they don't, just let me know and I'll try to explain them better, which I should've done in the script in the first place.  I just didn't want to drag this out into a twenty or thirty pager and thought this could stand well enough as a ten-or-so pager.

Sorry the story came off so confusing again.  I'll make things more clear in a future draft.  I'll be seeing you around, Darren.  Thanks for your thoughts.

- Mark

Yes. Thanks for clearing that up.

A few afterthoughts:

- Could Edward be a party to the accident? If his drug usage started around the same time, it might be plausible a DUI could lead to his probation.

- Could Savannah be a gifted, smart intern?

You don't have to make those changes. but it's just food for thought.

-DjS

Hey Mark,

Perhaps I'm just a sick mother... (couldn't help myself from that very obvious joke) but the shock value wasn't there for me. He's been shagging his mum - big deal. We're inundated with that kind of shock material from a plethora of film, TV and books. So it creates a difficult situation for you to tell a story that isn't simply trying to make us feel repulsed/shocked and comfortable in our own normal sexuality. At the moment it reads (to me) as an affirmation of conservative sexual values, which is fair enough, but I don't think we need something as cut and dry to reaffirm what is obvious - keep it out of the family!!

The emotional juice (it's too easy) and real drama here lies in the perversion of love that Edward and his mother share and the extremes Edward is going to to continue his need for her. I didn't particularly like the approach you decided to go with to show that. I think you've gone for an angle that's designed to build this up as a surprise or a shock (I think the shock works better in starker terms), and because you use the reporter and arrest approach, I think you drain a lot of the true drama from the story. We don't truly see Edward conflicted and I think we need to see that. To me, this has to be a 3/4 scene story that perhaps involves a wife or girlfriend who discovers this secret and you can perhaps add flashbacks to a child Edward that involves a parallel where his mum takes advantage of him, as he is doing to her now. But that's just an idea. You've told the story you want to tell, so I don't know if any of that will be remotely helpful, but there you go!

Now onto another short to finally return my owed reads!

Lol.  Emotional juice.  Eww.  Yeah, I left this one pretty open for a lot of jokes to be made.  To be honest, I'm surprised I didn't see anybody bust out a couple 'Yo Mama' jokes, 1990's style.  :-)

Thanks for taking a look at this one, though.  Sorry you didn't care for it.

To be completely honest, though.  I wasn't going TOTALLY for the shock value.  (Well, I was going for an uncomfortable emotion, so maybe a little shock), but I still wanted people to take this one seriously.  The character popped into my head, so I kind've looked at the world the way he would, and I decided he was somebody who should be written about.  I think you're right, the story would be a lot more interesting, a lot more starker, if somebody close to him had discovered his secret.  There's more emotions there to play around with.  Plus, drawing those parallels, (his mother taking advantage of him when he was a child, and now him taking advantage of her when she can't move) would kind of bring things together a little more.

I definately got some thinking to do on this one.

Quoted from Andrew

Now onto another short to finally return my owed reads!

Lol. You didn't have to worry about it. I'm not the kind of person who holds grudges. And I like reading a lot, (so even though I try and pay back reads) I don't pay TOO close attention who gives me reads back or not. (Though I noticed I do still etch it in the back of my head, :-) ) But things like that don't peeve me or anything.

hey Mark,

as a lover of all things taboo, i had to check this one out. i've skimmed over everyone's comments, but I apologize if I repeat what's already been said.

overall i really enjoyed this one. i didnt think i would given the opening scene, but im really glad i stuck with it. i actually dig your writing style more so than the story itself. the entire time i was reading it, i had a clear and concise picture of what was going on. it was vivid even though i wasnt reading too many descriptors (I easily imagined sam rockwell playing the role of edward). i also really enjoyed the tone of the script, especially when edward was living with his mother.

as for the twists? i loved the first one and liked the second one. i dont find mother/son relationships too revolting on their own, but mix in the fact that the mother's pregnant and edwards proud of it, and well, you've got a pretty fucked up premise. so kudos for that.

my biggest gripe was the ending. i feel like for some a powerful script, it kind of ended on a dull note.

regardless, nice work. definitely one of the better scripts ive had the pleasure of reading.

Hey albino, or penguin, or AP, or Will, or (I'm not sure which name you prefer)

But thanks for checking this one out, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. (If you're really a lover of all things taboo, I definately recommend reading Matthew Chisholm's 'Speedball'. It's on the unproduced page right now here at SS. It's definately a trip.)

And thank you very much for the compliment on the writing style. For a long time, and I still do occasionally, I can't lie, I always tended to overwrite and all my scripts were block-y and chunky. The past few scripts I've been working on, I think I've found kind of a comfort zone with what to describe without going overboard with it, but still able to get a clear image across. So thank you, that definately makes my day.

Quoted from albinopenguin

(I easily imagined sam rockwell playing the role of edward)

Ooh.  That's a good idea.  I have a lot of characters, actually, that I think Rockwell would be able to tackle comfortably.  And Giovanni Ribisi, also.  They both have that gift to play a regular guy naturally, but still make something stand out and get your attention about them.

Yeah, it looks like I'll have to do something with that ending.  I didn't have the story continue because, legally, I don't know what would happen after that.  But there's got to be a better way to end it.

Thank you again, Will, or Albino, for taking a look-see.  Glad it caught your attention.

- Mark

Mark, my man, it’s difficult to get me to grimace when reading a script.  It’s harder to get me to shake my head back and forth.  And hardest of all to get me to do both and say, “Oh my fucking God” out loud.

You accomplished it, man.  Well done.

This is a sick, twisted script here, but you pulled it off remarkably well…shockingly well, actually.  You held your hand close throughout, and then threw down a Royal Flush, and cleaned house.

I don’t think I’ve ever come across such a powerful script before.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s disgusting, and hard to swallow, but powerful as all fuck.

The line about Edward feeling her spasming while he was inside her, and her dribbling, is some of the most appalling stuff I’ve ever read.

I’d say you’ve got a winner on your hands here, Mark.  I really mean that.  It’s just so fucking twistedly sick and disgusting, there’s no way anyone else could come up with this shit.

I took some notes which may help. I did not read any of the other feedback.

Good luck with this!

Page 3 – Are you doing another Flashback without labeling it?  Mark…c’mon, man!!!  Also, as I say all the time, you should really write your Slugs more completely…more detailed.  In simple shorts, it’s usually no big deal, but in features, it does come into play.  What I’m talking about is using “BEDROOM”, as opposed to “EDWARD’S HOUSE – JACQUELINE’S BEDROOM”.  When you do it this way, if nothing else, you now have the ability to use Mini Slugs when you travel between the different rooms.  But there are also many other reasons why you should write complete, detailed Slugs.

The description of the bedroom reads oddly.

“miscellaneously”  - definitely not necessary.

Page 4 – A lot of “sentences” without subjects being used.  You know I think they read very awkwardly when written like this.

If you’re staying in the same place, no need for another full Slug…just use a Mini of “LATER”.

Page 5 – “Takes one and walks in the bathroom with both the wrapped condom and urine bag.” – Awkward.  Again, this should/could be combined with the sentence above it with a comma, but when you write it this way, without a subject, it reads poorly to me.  Also, in this case, it feels redundant how you end it with, “with both the wrapped condom and urine bag.”, as we know he has them both in his hand already.

The transition from the EXT DRIVEWAY scene into HIS CAR is very awkward.  I really don’t think you should ever attempt a Mini Slug when you’re going from EXT to INT or vice versa.  There’s really no reason even be begin in the driveway, vs. already in the car.

“-- and blasts the heat on. He makes sure enough hot air comes out the defrost vent on his dashboard.” – This is also awkward, as well as some kind of odd aside (He makes sure…).  My point is tied to my comments above.  If he’s just getting in the car, he has to do a number of things before he can blast the heat, and depending on where this is taking place and what month it is, we also know that heat doesn’t just immediately start blasting out.

“probably used to be a corrections officer” – total unfilmable aside.

Page 7 – “Edward’s closest.” – Awkward, probably should be rewritten and added into the sentence in front of it.

Page 8 – “whoever” – “whoever’s”

Page 9 – “But I have to care of my mom. There's not anybody else.” – Missing “take” in the first sentence.  2nd sentence sounds very awkward, but I realize it’s dialogue and characters can speak anyway you want them to.

Quoted from dreamscale

Mark, my man, it’s difficult to get me to grimace when reading a script.

Lol. When I first read that, I was preparing for you to bash the story. I thought you were grimacing at how poorly written it was.

Quoted from dreamscale

I don’t think I’ve ever come across such a powerful script before.

And with that, I would like to announce to everybody here at SS my retirement from screenwriting.  I've finally achieved my goal and I don't think there's anything else I need to achieve.  :-)

P.S.:  That is just a joke.  I want to make that clear because I am going to ask Don either today or tomorrow to take the script down since it's already in production and I keep getting requests from film companies about it.

But seriously, Jeff.  Thank you very much for the compliments.  They're greatly appreciated, as is all your advice.

Quoted from Dreamscale

Page 3 – Are you doing another Flashback without labeling it? Mark…c’mon, man!!!

Lol. Well as you know, I defended myself on not labeling the flashbacks in 'God's Empty Acre' because of the way that was structured. In this story, I admit, it was a mistake. At first, I did leave it out on purpose just to see how it read, but I did want to go back and put it in. I just forgot about it, though.

Quoted from Dreamscale

Also, as I say all the time, you should really write your Slugs more completely…more detailed.

Bah. I know, I know. I've barely ever paid any attention to slugs before. But in my defense, all four stories (I think four stories) that you've read of mine were pretty much written in all the same span of time, and pretty much submitted one after another, so that's why all four have pretty much the same formatting errors throughout. It's not that I'm not listening to everybody's advice, I just haven't had a chance to apply them, yet.

Except for the Fade In:. You know my thoughts on beginning a story with a Fade In. I do start 'Difficult' out with a Fade In, but that's because that's how I saw playing out it in my head.

Quoted from Dreamscale

Page 4 – A lot of “sentences” without subjects being used. You know I think they read very awkwardly when written like this.

Yeah, that's just me experimenting with language to make for a quicker read to help with pacing.

As for putting a whole new slug instead of just putting LATER, I just wasn't paying attention. I wrote those scenes at two different times and never paid attention to putting them one after another.

As for all the things that you said read awkward, I agree with. Even though the director already has this draft of the script, I'll still make the changes for myself in case something falls through, I'll have a cleaner version later.

Quoted from Dreamscale

“probably used to be a corrections officer” – total unfilmable aside.

I totally agree that it is unfilmable, and I knew it while writing it, yet I did keep it in there because I think it's an accurate description of his character, as all C.O.'s incorporate the same traits into their personalities.

As for the whoever's line you brought up, I had said whosever. Is that still wrong?

Ahh! Good catch on the missing 'take' in that one line. I'm pissed off at myself now that I missed it in editing.

Quoted from Dreamscale

The line about Edward feeling her spasming while he was inside her, and her dribbling, is some of the most appalling stuff I’ve ever read.

Lol.  What the 'baby pussy' line was to you in 'Unforgettable', that's what that line is to me.  I love it!  I always try to throw something in a story to put somebody off their supper.

Anyhow, thank you again, Jeff, for all the guidance and compliments.  I'm glad I was able to get a strong reaction from a lot of people out of this one.

And I was wrong about something.  I figured you'd be the one to put the connection together about the characters' names and their influence from the story of Oedipus Rex.

Oedipus  -  Edward Consapus
EDDIE consaPUS

And Jacqueline was the closest modern equivalent to Jocasta (Oedipus' mother), that I could find.

And I kind of toyed with making the spotter's name Lawrence to coincide with Oedipus' father, (Laius, whom Oedipus had deceived, much like Edward deceives the spotter), but scrapped it for some reason.  Wish I would've kept it in there.

I know it was probably a stupid idea and I'm probably the only one who gets enjoyment out of it, but I thought it was fun.

Thanks again for reading, Jeff.  Much appreciated.

Wow. now this is what I am talking about- a script that isn't light and fluffy, and pushes limits. This was excellent!!

Oh, dude.    :-/

That said, I think this is one of the top shorts I've read specifically on this board.

The writing is superb.  The topic is one that *hasn't* been done a million times already.  It's got a fresh idea, clean writing, and great detail.  (Speaking of the detail, Mark...somewhat worried that you know a bit too much about cheating drug tests and cooking up stuff...)

A part of me wanted the rapist to be someone other than Edward.  At first, the twist seemed to be too much.  But it's wearing well on me now.  If I were going to suggest anything for this script (and it's damned complete as-is), I'd say trim a tiny bit from Edward's last bits of explanation.  He does repeat himself a bit...

Congrats!  In a very terribly sick (but surprisingly not at all gratuitous) way....

Hey Justin and Janet.

Thank you guys very much for the read. Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the great compliments.

Quoted from wonkavite

(Speaking of the detail, Mark...somewhat worried that you know a bit too much about cheating drug tests and cooking up stuff...)

Lol.  Luckily, the only issue I've ever had to tackle with addiction is alcohol and Reese's.  (The alcohol thing is over with now, save a couple adult beverages every couple of months.)  The Reese's thing, however...

Kind of a funny story about the cheating drug tests, though.  A friend of mine actually did this.  Twice.  (I actually gave him the clean urine.)  The first time, it worked great.  The second time however, when he pricked the hole in the condom, instead of a smooth steady stream, it burst on him and he said my urine dumped all over his hands and legs.  I would've loved to have been there to see that.  He didn't even get in too much trouble, either.

Unfortunately, for the cooking part, all that information's available online.  I think the site I found that information at was called HeroinHelpers or something like that. (and no, it's not an addiction hotline or anything.  It teaches you how to shoot heroin properly so there's less overdoses)  It's crazy and kind of a shame.

I do agree with you that Edward does kind of drag on a bit, at the end.  This is going into production with a good director and I'm kind of curious as to how he's going to approach the ending of this one.  It might be interesting to see.

Thank you again for taking a read, Janet, and I'm really glad everybody for the most part is liking this one and giving it a chance, considering the subject matter.

- Mark

Hey Mark

Ok gave this a read!

Actually like a few others here have mentioned I wasnt totally grossed out by the resolution.

What was kinda troubling is the guy wanted to keep this incestous relationship going so badly.

Either way this is a solid story IMO.

As you know Im a little to green to get into any grammer farts ect. But this one seemed fine as far as I could tell in that catagory.

I like the bold slug lines as well. Is that in your writting program?

You appear to be developing or developed your own "style" of writting if you know what I mean. Thats a good thing.

Keep up the good work!

Great read.

I said "Oh Snap!" when I found out she was pregnant. Then I sat there for a minute and remembered that she wasn't in a hospital and that HE was taking care of her and of course as I read on it revealed itself.

Gross indeed, specifically when he describes himself inside her.

Screwing your mother is one thing, screwing your comatose mother is another.

Sick and twisted, I loved it.

I can't make any new comments though, slow beginning, the reporter not reacting the way she should (unless she already knew the story).

I think the ending needs more. Right now you end on her shaking her head in disgust. Not a great ending. End with her leaving and him sitting there talking to himself saying how he wants to love his kid the way his mother loved him.....

Now that would be a sick and twisted ending, which fits with the rest of the vibe.

I haven't read all the comments in here, so sorry if I repeated.

Hey Harley.

I missed your comment when you posted it before and I've been pretty busy the past week or two, so I'm sorry I'm a little late in responding.

Thanks for taking a look at this and thanks again for the compliments. I'm glad you liked it.

Quoted from hugh hoyland

I like the bold slug lines as well. Is that in your writting program?

You appear to be developing or developed your own "style" of writting if you know what I mean. Thats a good thing.

Glad you liked the bold slugs.  I like using them a lot, actually.  To me, it just gives the script a better sense of scene separation.

No, it's not in my writing program.  I don't even use a writing program.  I actually use an old school Microsoft Word Processor, then I convert it from there to whatever the modern Word program is, where I'll paginate it and structure it to however I feel most comfortable with it, then convert it over to a PDF.  It sounds like a lot of trouble, but I like it better than any of the actual writing programs I've tried so far.  I have more freedom to structure and format it however I want.

And yeah, I'm starting to become comfortable with this writing style I've been developing.  I still use full sentences and detailed descriptions when I do any prose writing, but for screenwriting, I've noticed you can scratch a lot of subject forms and 'he's and 'she's and 'and's and it actually gives your story a crisper reading, and gives the story some momentum.

Thanks again for taking a read, Harley.

Hey Usual Suspect. (Sorry, I don't know your real name)

Thank you very much for taking a read. I'm glad you loved it.

Quoted from The Usual Suspect

I can't make any new comments though, slow beginning, the reporter not reacting the way she should (unless she already knew the story)

Yeah, she did already know the story before the interview.

Quoted from The Usual Suspect

I think the ending needs more. Right now you end on her shaking her head in disgust. Not a great ending.

Yeah, I admit I was a little unsure of just how exactly to end it.  The story's actually in production right now, and I'm kind of wondering what note the director is going to end on.  Should be pretty interesting to see.

Thanks again for taking a read, U.S., and thanks for the comments.  I'm really happy to see a lot of people are liking this one.

I just saw 'A Picture is Worth' in your sig.  I'll be checking that one out pretty soon.

- Mark

Hey thanks man and no problem.

I don't post around here that much but I hope to change that soon.

My name is Matt by the way.

Hey Mark,

Let me be another to say WOW...

I'm a little nauseous right now, but I'm sure that's what you were going for so it's a good thing.

Great twists, ultimately creepy subject matter. I think you should seek out local production companies where you live and send this out. Any good filmmaker will take this as a challenge.

Two minor comments: I'd break up some of Edward's dialogue with action because he comes off a bit too matter-of-fact in places, and I'm not sure why the reporter needs to be from a school paper (I thought that was going to have relevancy).

Other than that, brilliant - nice work...

AJR

Hey Anthony.

Thanks for taking a read. Glad you liked it, and I'm sorry it made you nauseous. (Although, I was going for that a little bit, so I'm sorry and I'm not sorry. :-) I did want a visceral reaction, but still wanted people to take it seriously and not think I was just going for something disgusting.

Quoted from ajr

I think you should seek out local production companies where you live and send this out. Any good filmmaker will take this as a challenge.

This is in production right now with a company in New York with a director who I think is really good, so hopefully I'll be hearing something soon from them.

In fact, this story's been kind of a stepping stone for my other stories to get produced. After this was in pre-production, several other directors and film companies contacted me about it, and when I told them it was taken already, they read my other stories and liked them just as much. I have two others now in production thanks to 'Difficult'.

Quoted from ajr

I'm not sure why the reporter needs to be from a school paper (I thought that was going to have relevancy).

I thought it was going to have a lot more relevancy, too, when I first started it. But when I decided I wanted this to stay within the 10-15 minute range, I decided not to delve too deep into her character and just have her propel the story a little bit. When I first had the idea for this, the writers at the Vindicator did go on strike, so I thought it was something a little fun just to keep in there anyway as a sign of the times.

Thank you again very much for taking a read and the compliments. I saw a little while ago that you had taken Grand Avenue off the boards. Do you have any other stories you've written on SS?

Resurfacing this because Mark asked me to. Mark is my master. That and he reviewed my script so now I'm reviewing his.

I don't think I need to reiterate that the direction the story turns is along a road better left less traveled. I wouldn't go as far as to say it made me nauseous but it was definitely unsettling. I'll provide the things I jotted down as I went along then get to the fuller story review after that.

"A cheap notebook sits in front of her." (p1) I immediately thought of a notebook PC. Thank you technology, for being all that I am.
"About the same time as my mom's accident." (p2) I would use "since my mom's accident." "As" seems to imply that a specific time period has been mentioned, like "I became an addict a little over five years ago. About the same time as my mom's accident." However since you mentioned more of a time frame (I've been one for five years) "since" is used to refer to the beginning of that time frame until the current time, whereas "as" is used to callback a specific mentioned time period. I have no idea if I'm making any sense right now. It probably isn't too serious, just something I would change were it my own script.
"...and TASC Track Four, are all to report for urine screen today." (p4) The repeating of "report for urine screen today", while realistic, sounded kind of choppy to me. Maybe add "again" between "are" and "all", or even just before "are."
"Edward gets--" Space between the hyphens. That seems to be your chosen format since there's separating the hyphen from the word in the next line: "-- and blasts the heat on." (p5)
"probably used to be a corrections officer." (p5) This didn't end up being relevant to the story, and isn't particularly something that can be shown on screen. Also, I try not to use words like "probably" when describing characters because as the author, chances are you know for certain whether he used to be a corrections officer or not. If you're trying to describe his physique, you could do so with words like "husky", "hefty", say "in shape but stopped working out regularly years ago", take away the probably, or leave it as "former top corrections officer build."
I was so confused regarding why he was putting a condom full of urine on the heat vent of his car at first. Of course it's clear after reading the rest of the story, but initially I thought it might be some kind of suicide attempt technique I'd never heard of, like when people like the exhaust fumes on of their car.
"Finally, Tesla dots her last period..." (p7) I don't think the "finally" is necessary since it's stated right before that Edward is waiting. Seems redundant.

From me, that's actually a short list.

As for the reveal of Edward impregnating his mother, I'm sure you know it's weird. I'm okay with weird, but I prefer when it amounts to something. Here it didn't culminate into any kind of narrative or emotional payoff. There was the moot protest of the journalist concerning whether or not consent was involved, but that's it, and she seemed rather lax about the whole thing. A commenter mentioned above that it comes off shock for shock's sake, and I agree. It appears there simply to surprise the audience, but in the story itself serves no real purpose other than to give everyone something to talk about.

As a matter of fact, the entire script seems set up solely to disgust the audience with this twist. It's ambitious, yes. Nevertheless it would have felt more purposeful within Difficult itself if it was utilized to further develop Edward's delusion that this was all out of love (maybe highlight or parallel the effects of his mother engaging in sexual act with him when he was little to him "returning the favor" now) or perhaps have Savannah serve as more than an excuse for the audience to hear Edward's story vocalized. Hell, even try to get us to see things from Edward's perspective. I will admit though that such a task would be difficult, since most readers and watchers will find it hard to empathize with a man who had sex with his comatose mother. Sympathizing with him would be unseemly.

Some people mentioned they had problems interpreting the flashbacks as flashbacks. I did not. The transition in the screenplay seems natural. Edward's talking about how he had to take care of his unconscious mother thereafter the scene cuts to a room wherein Edward is taking care of his unconscious mother. Nothing confusing there. You could place FLASHBACK in the slug still strictly for format issues.

The writing itself was good. Clear visuals were drawn without needing to use too many words and I never once felt like I wanted to stop reading.

Congratulations on getting this produced if it still is. Good luck on getting anybody to watch it and still be able to talk to their mothers after.

Hey Tendai.

Thanks for letting me know your thoughts on this one.  I know it seems like it's been awhile since this one's been opened up, but I plan on revisiting it again one last time before filming begins... if it gets there.

It's been in pre-production since May of 2011, even got casting and principal photography done, but the director's gotten busy with some music videos and a feature, so it had to go on the backburner for awhile.

If shooting doesn't start in the next couple of months, there's another director who's excited about this one.  So hopefully, this will be seeing the light of day soon one way or another.

Lol.  I got a chuckle out of your cheap notebook PC comment.

Quoted from tendai

"Edward gets--" Space between the hyphens. That seems to be your chosen format since there's separating the hyphen from the word in the next line

I was doing some experimenting with mini-slugs to see which way I liked to format them. I've abandoned that way since and found a way I like to use better.

In fact, I pretty much use shorts in general to experiment with my writing in features, including themes.

Actually, I probably should have warned, too, that I formatted this before I even had any script software. After I finish the rewrite, I'll be using actual script software and it'll probably trim a page or two off the page count when I use the proper margins.

Quoted from tendai

Hell, even try to get us to see things from Edward's perspective.

That's what I attempted to do with this one.  I don't know if I wanted everybody to exactly empathize with Edward, but I wanted to get the message across that Edward doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.  It's natural to him.  That's why he doesn't understand why he'll be getting all this jail time.  He always thought it was natural since his mother always made love to him.

Looks like I have to find a way to bring that to light in the story more.

Yeah, I already labeled the flashback as flashback.  I think it was easy to follow, too, but I did stick it in there just in case.

I really appreciate your thoughts and notes on this one, Tendai.  I should be putting them to use in the next couple weeks.

Although, I kind of have a fire up my ass going back over this one now, so I just might get to it sooner if nothing else pops up.

Thanks again, Tendai.  Looking forward to talking to you again in a bit.

Hopefully yours'll be posted up, soon, and you get some more thoughts from others on your story.

- Mark

Print Topic