Penny For Your Thoughts by Matthew Dressel - Short, Family - A crafty ten year old boy opens up a unique business in suburbia only to find it threatened by a snotty girl with business plans of her own. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

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Thanks for posting this, Don.

I already noticed a typo at the top of page 5.  I got kind of mixed up because of the use of MY vs. YOUR.  It'll make more sense once you read it.

Kind of reminds me of this clip from The Simpsons:

That's very funny to me, I don't know about the other possible readers. lol.

Another easy, film-able script. It's good that you're cranking these out. I'm stuck on one. :( lol.

You've got to go over and check for spelling mostly verbs that needs an s. other than that, very good. I like how the boy handles the situation at the end. trying to give much away.  

Gabe

Bravo! This could actually be my favorite short of all time. I mean that. I smiled through the whole thing. AND I was thinking, what a concept. If I was a kid I would try it. And when I was a kid, a penny was still worth something!

You forgot to cap some characters at beginning.

A Norman Rockwell painting come to life.[b][/b]

But the story is a real keeper. And superbly written. Dressel back on top!

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Another easy, film-able script. It's good that you're cranking these out. I'm stuck on one. :( lol.

Thanks Gabe!  This was actually part of a vignette piece I wrote a few years back but never finished.  I took the strongest story and completely re-wrote it.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley You've got to go over and check for spelling mostly verbs that needs an s.

Yeah, I'm surprised I let a few typos get by; not usually my style.  Thanks for the read!

Quoted from leitskev Bravo! This could actually be my favorite short of all time. I mean that. I smiled through the whole thing.

Wow!  What a compliment!  Definitely a lot to live up to.

Quoted from leitskev You forgot to cap some characters at beginning.

I usually don't cap characters that don't have dialogue.  I think I would cap them if they appeared more than once, but if it was just a one-time thing I don't see a reason.

Quoted from leitskev A Norman Rockwell painting come to life. But the story is a real keeper. And superbly written. Dressel back on top!

Once again, thank you for the compliments.  For whatever reason, I worried people wouldn't dig this particular story, but I'm glad to see it worked.

Matthew,

Just wanted to acknowledge that I read this.   Unfortunately it didn't do too much for me at this time.  No fault of your own.   I think I've just officially burned out on shorts.     In any event, nice work.  Very cutesy-tootsy.

Well, I thought this was cute.

Like a modern day Little Rascals.

The dialogue was good and the descriptions were clear and vivid.

I'll have to check out your feature.

Cindy

Quoted from screenrider Just wanted to acknowledge that I read this.   Unfortunately it didn't do too much for me at this time.  No fault of your own.   I think I've just officially burned out on shorts.     In any event, nice work.

Sorry it didn't work for you, Mike.

Quoted from screenrider Very cutesy-tootsy.

It's never been my goal to write shorts that are so saccharine you can barely make your way through them.  And it's certainly never been my goal to receive "Cutesy-tootsy" as either a compliment or a criticism.  :)

Quoted from CindyLKeller Well, I thought this was cute. Like a modern day Little Rascals. The dialogue was good and the descriptions were clear and vivid.

Thanks for the read, Cindy.  Now that you mention it, I could see this as a Little Rascals type short.

Quoted from CindyLKeller I'll have to check out your feature.

Definitely in a different ball-park from this, but please feel free.

Just for the records, cutesy-tootsie is a compliment.

Dressel,

With a logline like that, who wouldn't want to read this.  As usual, stylistically your writing is clear and quite good.  Flowed pretty well.  I thought you nailed the characters of Jill and Eric.  "It's for me," that was funny.

Cool concept.  Simple as it maybe. I don't think I could have came up with anything like this.  Too be honest, most will be hard presed to find much fault with this piece.  It would be nit-picking.  It works as is.  I enjoyed it, but not as much as the kid with the bicycle.

Very impressive though!

Ghostie

I agree it's a cute idea and story.

There are issues, though.  Matt, check out your Slugs...problems here.

First of all, you've got a total of 5 Slugs (5 scenes).  Other than your opening Slug, the other 4 are all identical, other than the fact that 1 has a time in it of LATER, as opposed to DAY in the other 3. If these Slugs were correct, you could/should use Mini Slugs after the first in this location of "LATER".

But, in reality, you've got 3 different locations.  You intro your 3rd location on Page 3, when Eric walks over to "Jill's Stand".  From there, you go back and forth between Eric and Jill's Stand, 2 different locations, requiring 2 different Slugs.

Hope this makes sense and helps.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Very impressive though!

Thanks for the compliments, Ghost.  Glad you enjoyed it!

Quoted from Dreamscale I agree it's a cute idea and story.

Thanks for the read, Jeff.  Glad you seemed to enjoy it.

Quoted from Dreamscale There are issues, though.  Matt, check out your Slugs...problems here. First of all, you've got a total of 5 Slugs (5 scenes).  Other than your opening Slug, the other 4 are all identical, other than the fact that 1 has a time in it of LATER, as opposed to DAY in the other 3. If these Slugs were correct, you could/should use Mini Slugs after the first in this location of "LATER". But, in reality, you've got 3 different locations.  You intro your 3rd location on Page 3, when Eric walks over to "Jill's Stand".  From there, you go back and forth between Eric and Jill's Stand, 2 different locations, requiring 2 different Slugs.

Point taken.  I'll fix it up in the next draft.

Hey Matt,

Keeping the stories rolling, good for you.
It's refreshing to see family oriented entertainment on the site.
The pattern here reminds me of your schoolyard bully story.
Using the antag's tendencies against them to win the day.

In a victim vs. bully dynamic, it worked well, here, not so much for me.
I agree with Jeff, there's a fair share of slug ambiguity on the page.
However, I ignored it for the most part, it didn't detract much from the read.
I didn't read the thread in advance, your critical p. 5 typo, stopped me cold.
I went back over the script, then continued after I figured it out.

What didn't click here was the motivation and subtext.
The comparisons to Lucy's psychiatrist booth for Charlie Brown is obvious.
Those scenes work because both characters want something.
Lucy adores Charlie Brown and he needs advice about a dilemma.
They want something from each other and that plays out nicely in those scenes.

Here, I get no such dynamic between Eric and Jill.
Why did Jill decide to harass Eric? Does she like him? Did he spurn her affection?
Did Eric embarrass her at recess the other day? Give me something.
So, I thought the penny device would be used to bring out those points.
Instead, it was a mechanism to dispatch an antag. Meh.

In Just Coffee, there's a connection between characters, and it works.
In your bike riding bully story, your motivations are clear.
This story suffers without those character mechanics.
It's a nice set up and you tell it well, but it doesn't come to life for me.
Kudos on the family oriented fare, keep it up.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

I would like to respond to E.D.s review. The reviews by E.D. are always well thought out and constructive, this no exception. But I would like to suggest that in tales about children, character motivations do not need to be very detailed or complicated. In fact, that would detract from the story, since that's generally not how kids are.

We know Eric's having a table where he pays for thoughts is necessary to fulfill the plot at the end. One could consider that contrived, but I do not, and for this reason: that was the thing that intrigued me from the very beginning. The idea of a kid paying money from his stand instead of making it, and paying for something so insubstantial. That's very unique. Why does he do this? We don't really need to know exactly. Maybe he just wants to be different.

Why does Jill set up next door clearly with the intention of disrupting his gig? I went with the assumption that she was his sister being a pain. But it could be something else, that she is an annoying neighbor who has a crush. I just don't think it needs to be spelled out with kids. Especially in a short. You leave some for the imagination and enjoy the ride.

But your review was interesting and insightful as always! I hope people appreciate your work here. You and Jeff work the hardest and are the most effective on reviews at SS.

A nice, easy script. Personally I like the detail because in eight pages, we already have an idea for the characters. As someone already said - this is a script that could easily be made into some sort of short movie. More scenarios could be added as well, just for fun, as a sort of "Episode Two". We could see Eric trying new business ventures, with more competition. Just something for you to consider. :)

Quoted from Electric Dreamer It's refreshing to see family oriented entertainment on the site.

Yeah, I never really set out with the goal of writing family-oriented stuff, it usually just ends up that way.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer What didn't click here was the motivation and subtext.

Kevin basically took the words out of my mouth.  I don't think it's necessary, particularly when dealing with children to get so deep into motivations.  In Give Me a Break, Wes was a bully for no other reason than to be cruel.  Did he need the bike?  No.  But he took it anyway.  In the case of Penny for Your Thoughts, it's established (from the length of the notebook) that Eric has been up to this for awhile.  So it's not completely unreasonable that some spoiled/snotty girl would eventually see his idea and try to steal it.  Kids do stuff like that all the time.  Why?  Because they're kids.  Also, if you start picking apart motivations and don't just look at it as whimsical type world, the idea of a kid giving people his money to get ideas is a little asinine.

I do agree with Kevin also that your reviews are always welcome and much appreciated.  I can definitely see where you are coming from with this, I just don't know how necessary remedying it is.

Quoted from Tyler A nice, easy script. Personally I like the detail because in eight pages, we already have an idea for the characters.

Thanks for the read, Tyler.  Glad you enjoyed the script!

Quoted from Tyler More scenarios could be added as well, just for fun, as a sort of "Episode Two". We could see Eric trying new business ventures, with more competition. Just something for you to consider.

This actually was originally part of a longer story (3 different stories, three different sets of characters), but I took it out and made it its own.  I could see continuing this arc though, like you suggest.

Quoted from Dressel Kevin basically took the words out of my mouth.  I don't think it's necessary, particularly when dealing with children to get so deep into motivations.  In Give Me a Break, Wes was a bully for no other reason than to be cruel.  Did he need the bike?  No.  But he took it anyway.  In the case of Penny for Your Thoughts, it's established (from the length of the notebook) that Eric has been up to this for awhile.  So it's not completely unreasonable that some spoiled/snotty girl would eventually see his idea and try to steal it.  Kids do stuff like that all the time.  Why?  Because they're kids.  Also, if you start picking apart motivations and don't just look at it as whimsical type world, the idea of a kid giving people his money to get ideas is a little asinine.

Matt,

I agree with you it's not unreasonable in the slightest.
However, I do find it sub par compared to the rest of your effort in this piece.
A whimsical type world can easily describe a picaresque snow globe.
That doesn't mean I want to read a ten page script about that snow globe.

There's something missing from this cookie dough.
It's usually just a pinch or something, a line, a look, it's not much.
But it makes the rest of the ingredients come together and excel.
As it stands, it's fine work, but I believe there's room for growth in this story.
Without making it more difficult to film, it's there in your characters.
They're waiting for you to elevate them from devices to voices.
And you have demonstrated in the past the ability to do that.

I'm pleased to hear you're getting heat on The Other Man.
If you're heading north to PitchFest next month, drop me a PM.

BTW, did you know Steven Soderbergh filmed at the Marriot Irvine? ;)

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer There's something missing from this cookie dough. It's usually just a pinch or something, a line, a look, it's not much. But it makes the rest of the ingredients come together and excel.

Point taken.  It's definitely something worth considering.  I actually like the sister angle Kevin was talking about; as it seems like something quarreling siblings would do.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I'm pleased to hear you're getting heat on The Other Man.

Thanks Brett!

Quoted from Electric Dreamer BTW, did you know Steven Soderbergh filmed at the Marriot Irvine? ;)

Nope.  Hardly anybody shoots their films in Irvine, especially when you've got beautiful Laguna/Newport right next door.

Quoted from Dressel Nope.  Hardly anybody shoots their films in Irvine, especially when you've got beautiful Laguna/Newport right next door.

Soderbergh shot there for his white collar crime flick, "The Informant!".
Apparently the actual events took place there.
I've been in that lobby a few times and recognized it right away.

Yay useless trivia.

E.D.

hey Dressel,

you're always so helpful and insightful when reviewing my scripts, so my apologies for this post is long overdue.

overall, i really liked this one. its cute, its simple, and its entertaining. others have been pointing how that its not very deep, but in all honesty, it doesnt have to be. nor should it be. my favorite part about it was the dialogue. you absolutely nailed it. children's dialogue is so simple, yet so complex. and so many writers have a hard time portraying it accurately without making the kid sound like a total retard. having worked with kids, ive realized that they're a lot smarter and observant than you'd think. however kids have the vocabulary of, well, a 3rd grader. the dialogue in your screenplay, was accurate and smart, but not TOO smart. so kudos for that.

my only complaint is that this short left me wanting more. i'm a bit torn though because it was the perfect length. any longer, and this screenplay would become a one "joke" screenplay. its a clever idea, but it certainly wouldn't carry many more pages (then again, look at hobo with a shotgun haha). so what did i want to see more of? well i mainly wanted to know what other thoughts the kid received. i wanted to know what else he recorded in his book. i think there's a lot of potential there, based on the customer's thoughts. with that in mind, id like to see a completely new screenplay with the same concept, yet taken in an entirely different direction. imagine what kind of thoughts a 16 year old cheerleader would have compared to an 81 year old widow. i dunno, just a thought.

so overall, a superb screenplay...then again that's what ive come to expect from you.

Matt,

Just read this. I liked it alot. I think it works well and would be easy to film with a couple of talented kids. - Always a problem...

I especially enjoyed the rapid-fire name calling and penny delivery as well as the ending line. Well set-up, well executed. I did notice some typos and a few slug instances Jeff pointed out. But, I blew through this so fast, I didn't think they were note worthy. Good work...

James

Quoted from albinopenguin you're always so helpful and insightful when reviewing my scripts, so my apologies for this post is long overdue.

I appreciate the compliment, and don't sweat it.

Quoted from albinopenguin overall, i really liked this one. its cute, its simple, and its entertaining.

Thanks you, Will.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from albinopenguin my favorite part about it was the dialogue. you absolutely nailed it. children's dialogue is so simple, yet so complex.

Thanks again.  I tried really hard with this one.  I've written 3 scripts now with little kids, and it's always a challenge writing their dialogue.  I actually produced a short with a nearly all-child cast, so I learned first-hand what does and doesn't sound good when working with kids.

Quoted from albinopenguin my only complaint is that this short left me wanting more. so what did i want to see more of? well i mainly wanted to know what other thoughts the kid received. i wanted to know what else he recorded in his book.

I know exactly what you mean, and when I was writing it, I was planning on including more of that.  In fact, I was going to have a character named Rodney (an annoying 12 year old) who visited the booth every day, so much that Eric had an entire notebook just for him.  But the more I started toying around with it, the longer it got, and I thought it was important to not try and take away from the core story.  But you're absolutely right, it's an interesting angle I'm not really exploring and it would make for an interesting side-story.

Thanks again for the read!

Quoted from jwent6688 Just read this. I liked it alot. I think it works well and would be easy to film with a couple of talented kids. - Always a problem...

Thanks for the read, James.  And you're right about the kids, it's VERY difficult.

Quoted from jwent6688 I did notice some typos and a few slug instances Jeff pointed out.

Yeah, in the next draft I'm going to go through it with a fine-toothed comb and get out all those nasty typos (and fix the slugs).

Thanks James!

Matt,

A clever concept you have here.  Very funny, intriguing setup with the little kid actually paying people for their thoughts.  I think I'd like to know more about how this kid came up with this most unusual idea.  What does he intend to do with these thoughts he writes down in his notebook?   I'd really like to know his master plan.  I've read some of the earlier posts about the actions of kids not having to be explained like those of adults, but I wanted to know Eric's motivation for setting up this stand of his.  There has to be some reasoning behind it, even for a ten year old.

Most of the dialogue was well done and believable.  although this line on page 3:

ERIC (CONT’D)
Oh Goofus, will you ever learn?

That reminded me a little too much of a line from the Simpsons(forget which episode) where Mr. Burns is reading the comics and says "Oh Ziggy, will you ever win?"  But props to you for mentioning Goofus, a childhood hero of mine.  Much cooler than that Gallant prick.

The script definitely became more conventional when the girl showed up.  As a reader, I went from being intrigued as to this kid's well-beyond-his-years worldview to thinking, ah, he's a normal kid after all.  The banter between the two kids was funny, and I would have liked for the girl to bring up the point that at least her stand is a money-making enterprise.

Overall, an entertaining read and quite filmable.

Ryan

Quoted from Ryan1 I think I'd like to know moe about how this kid came up with this most unusual idea.  What does he intend to do with these thoughts he writes down in his notebook?   I'd really like to know his master plan.

Believe me, I would love to expand upon this idea, but I'd be worried that it would balloon up to an unmanageable size.  Also, part of me worries that if you start to dissect the kid's motivations, it will become less "magical" (for lack of a better word).  But, like I told Brett, it's worth giving some thought in drafts to come.

Quoted from Ryan1 Most of the dialogue was well done and believable.  although this line on page 3: ERIC (CONT’D) Oh Goofus, will you ever learn? That reminded me a little too much of a line from the Simpsons

Ha, you got me.  Wasn't sure if anyone would catch this, but it IS a reference to the episode Brush With Greatness; from the scene you mentioned.

Quoted from Ryan1 I would have liked for the girl to bring up the point that at least her stand is a money-making enterprise.

It's odd, I had a line like that in there but I cut it for some reason.  It was supposed to be right after she talked about improving on his idea.

Quoted from Ryan1 Overall, an entertaining read and quite filmable.

Thanks Ryan.  I appreciate the read and the compliments.

Hey Matt -

Okay, read "Penny".  What's the deal, man?  You channeling the charming side of Mark Twain or something?  Seems like it, between this and Just Coffee...  :)

I think it works.  The story comes around full circle in a very satisfying way, and a nice (albeit quiet) payoff.  And as someone else pointed out, yet another easily filmable piece.  Kudos. (BTW- I don't feel you need to delve into motivations in this script.  Why?  It is what it is...)  Though making them siblings could spice it up a bit...good suggestion there.  I also agree with an earlier suggestion that having Jill mention that her business would make money is a good additional touch.

A few typos/comments/general alterations that I'd make, IMHO (take them as you will, if they make sense to you):

Page 1: Couples jog(S)

Page 1: The runner's first line of dialogue - needs a question mark...

Page 3: LOVE the highlights magazine riff.  Though Eric's Goofus line seems a *little* too mature for his age group.  I really enjoy the line in general, just maybe change the wording a bit?

Page 4: Eric - You can't do this!  Again, a bit mature for Eric's age group.  Maybe change to something along the lines of: It's not fair! or No fair!

Page 4: Jill - And what are you going to do about it?  Again..too mature....  How about something like "You can't stop me, boogerhead..."  Something more "kiddie", anyway.  Especially considering that it's followed up with a tongue-sticking battle.  :)

Page 5: Woman's dialogue re: the cutest thing.  Maybe add  "in whole wide world"?  Stereotypical, but it works for the character, I think

Page 5: Not polite to copy.  Great line!

Page 7: "The Mom" seems awkward.  Maybe change to "Jillian's mom"?

All really, teeny tiny things.  But that's my 2 cents.  Or should that be, one cent for my thoughts?  :))

Cheers!

-J (WV)

Quoted from wonkavite You channeling the charming side of Mark Twain or something?  Seems like it, between this and Just Coffee...  :)

Haha, if I am it's not on purpose, but I appreciate the compliment.

Quoted from wonkavite   Though making them siblings could spice it up a bit...good suggestion there.  I also agree with an earlier suggestion that having Jill mention that her business would make money is a good additional touch.

Agreed.  I think these would both make excellent changes.

Quoted from wonkavite Page 3: LOVE the highlights magazine riff.  Though Eric's Goofus line seems a *little* too mature for his age group.  I really enjoy the line in general, just maybe change the wording a bit?

Yeah, it's understandable that it's considered too old for him, as it's a riff on a Mr. Burns line from The Simpsons.  I really love that line though.

Quoted from wonkavite Page 4: Eric - You can't do this!  Again, a bit mature for Eric's age group.  Maybe change to something along the lines of: It's not fair! or No fair! Page 4: Jill - And what are you going to do about it?  Again..too mature....  How about something like "You can't stop me, boogerhead..."  Something more "kiddie", anyway.  Especially considering that it's followed up with a tongue-sticking battle.  :)

Both good suggestions.  When dealing with kids, it's really hard to walk a fine line with their dialogue.

Quoted from wonkavite Page 7: "The Mom" seems awkward.  Maybe change to "Jillian's mom"?

Agreed.  I'll change it.

Thanks for the read, Janet.  Really glad you liked it.  :-)

You know, this is actually fine as it is, and honestly, there is not much that need be said about it, or done to it.

My only comment is so sweeping that you might as well ignore it unless you plan on writing an entirely different script.

I dig Eric -- and the whole concept of Eric -- so much that I was disappointed by this story.

Jill and her name-calling antics are not worthy adversaries for such an enigmatic figure as Eric.  He really deserves a larger story, with higher stakes, and the opportunity to act rather than react.  You put him out there, and I like him so much immediately, but learn so little about him.

I know, I know -- beyond the scope of things here.  Of course it is.  So yeah, like I said – good story as it is, honestly.  But give me a shout when the sequel emerges, and Eric actually has something to say.

Matt,

I thought this was a really cute little story. Not a lot to say about it.

The only thing I could nitpick is the resolution between Eric and Jill. It’s good as it is but I think Eric should be responsible for Jill’s mother being there. Maybe he saw Jill’s mom and got the idea. In other words, maybe he should outsmart Jill instead of getting lucky. That would be a little more active on Eric’s part.

Overall, good story. Good script. Good job. :)


Breanne

Quoted from bert You know, this is actually fine as it is, and honestly, there is not much that need be said about it, or done to it. My only comment is so sweeping that you might as well ignore it unless you plan on writing an entirely different script. I dig Eric -- and the whole concept of Eric -- so much that I was disappointed by this story. Jill and her name-calling antics are not worthy adversaries for such an enigmatic figure as Eric.  He really deserves a larger story, with higher stakes, and the opportunity to act rather than react.

Thanks for the read, Bert.  I completely understand where you're coming from, and you're right, it would be a completely different story.  That's not to say it'd be a bad one or anything, but I'm not exactly sure what that story would consist of at this point.   Honestly, I wanted to add more, but I didn't want to do that at the risk of hurting the story (and I really do like the story of the dueling booths).  I understand how this has become polarizing for some people though; as Eric is a far more dynamic character than Jill.  But I guess that's kind of what I was going for: an above-average 10 year old squaring off against an average one.

I'm glad you liked it for the most part though.  That does mean I'm at least doing something right at its core.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson I thought this was a really cute little story. Not a lot to say about it.

Thank you, Breanne.  I'm happy you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson The only thing I could nitpick is the resolution between Eric and Jill.

You're absolutely right.  In fact, I wanted it to be more about him outsmarting her than him being lucky, so I don't know why I didn't factor that in when writing it.  Now that I'm considering making them siblings, I think I can use him getting her mom in the way you suggested.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson Overall, good story. Good script. Good job.

Thanks again!

I like this a lot. I read the script before any comments and I just assumed they were brother and sister already. Partly because Eric yells, "Mom!" after Jill puts up her stand.

I also thought that Eric did outsmart Jill. He knew what would provoke Jill (I thought she was his sister while reading) and she would result to name calling, and since he had already called for the mom...

Anyway, one thing I noticed was that numbers in dialog should be spelled out, eight instead of 8.

Fantastic job though.

Brian

Quoted from reuel51 I also thought that Eric did outsmart Jill. He knew what would provoke Jill (I thought she was his sister while reading) and she would result to name calling, and since he had already called for the mom...

That's kind of what I was thinking, but it also did rely a bit too much on luck.  However, when you're dealing with a short like this I think you can afford to make such leaps.

Quoted from reuel51 Anyway, one thing I noticed was that numbers in dialog should be spelled out, eight instead of 8.

Noted and fixed.

Quoted from reuel51 Fantastic job though.

Thanks for the read, Brian.  Glad you enjoyed it and I appreciate the kind words.

Quoted from reuel51 I just assumed they were brother and sister already. Partly because Eric yells, "Mom!" after Jill puts up her stand. I also thought that Eric did outsmart Jill. He knew what would provoke Jill (I thought she was his sister while reading) and she would result to name calling, and since he had already called for the mom...

After reading this, I went back to see what it was that cued me that Eric and Jill were not brother and sister. For one, after Eric runs to his mom, we cut to a later point where Eric is sitting frustrated because his mother evidently didn’t do anything to help him. Later, Jill says, “I think you should go home and cry some more to your mommy.” To me, this line clearly indicates that Eric’s earlier moment of running to his mother has passed and that their mothers are different.

With regard to Eric outsmarting her, well, all he really did was annoy her. He got lucky that her mother showed up. If Jill’s mother hadn’t arrived unexpectedly, what was Eric planning to do? Just annoy her until she had all his money? That’s kind of what I was getting at. While it’s certainly conceivable that a 10 year old would spend his pennies just to agitate a young girl, it didn’t seem to me to be enough cleverness from Eric, who has already exhibited that he thinks unconventionally.

Anyway, that’s the way I saw it. It’s not wrong or right, just my impressions. :)


Breanne

Breanne,

Your points are well-taken.  I'm going to fix up these issues in the next draft, because it can't really hurt to add some clarity to it all.

-Matt

Matt,

just read this one while sitting outside enjoying the sunshine.

I can see why people seemed to like this one. It is cute and nice. It didn't really do much for me though. First off I think it's a little too long for the story. Second, it lacks some kind of punch. It's just two kids arguing. Like Breanne said, Eric didn't really outsmart Jill. He just got lucky her mom came. I enjoyed Eric's encounter with the Jogger more.

I'm sort of notorious for liking dark stuff though so don't take my comments too seriously.  I just would have liked to see people giving "real" thoughts. Giving us a glimpse into their personalities.

I disagree with Gabe that this would be easy to film. It looks like it would, but you need two kids that can act to pull it off. That can be hard...

All in all, a nice pleasant little story that will appeal to most people. A little too ho-hum for me, but I can still appreciate the story.

Pia  :)

Hey Matt,

I have to say, I was a lot more interested about the rest of the stuff in Eric's notebook and his interactions with other pedestrians and his motivations for why he had set up the stand rather than his little tiff with Jill.  ($0.01)

It's still a good cute story and it works as it is, I just thought that it was a really clever thing that Eric was doing with the stand and wanted to see that played out some more.  ($0.02)

I was surprised to find so many typos in a short work from you.  ($0.03)  When I read 'The Other Man', there weren't very many that I noticed, and this had a bunch and it's only barely eight pages.  Mainly it was adding 's' to verbs when you shouldn't have or leaving the 's' off the verb when you should have had it on.  ($0.04)

But, like I said, it was still a good, cute story.  Just wanted to get to know Eric a little bit better.  ($0.05)

So let's tally it all up now.  What was it?  I gave you five thoughts, so I'll PM you with my address and you can mail me my 5 pennies.  (Trust me.  It's been a bad month.  I can really use them right now.)  :-)

- Mark

Yeah, I'm on the Bert side of things.

The idea of paying people for their thoughts was a very interesting one and the dramatic question I had was what was his ultimate goal going to be...what was he going to do with the thoughts, which thought was good to be the inciting incident into something else?

When you have a quirky concept like that, it seems to demand a more compelling story.

The story we have is nice enough, but it's essentially a very long skit...a set up and then a gag. It's very long for that kind of story and although it had a lot of charm, my ultimate feeling was one of being underwhelmed.

But as Pia said, maybe it's just not the kind of story for people like me.

Rick.

Pia,

Thanks for the read.  It's not all that surprising that it wasn't up your alley (I understand you like things a bit on the darker side.)  As far as Eric not outsmarting Jill, the way I saw it was that his initial plan was to wear her down (by using his excessive amount of coins), but it was just a happy accident that her mother came along.  I know what you mean when you say it lacks a punch though.

And you're absolutely right, this would NOT be easy to film.  Working with kids is very difficult.

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Mark,

I know what you guys are all saying about his interactions with the people and their thoughts, but 1.) that would be a totally different story (which is seems like what you guys want), and 2.) I don't really know what that story would be.  I didn't write this to be an introspective type piece, which is what I think it would turn into if I went that route.  And you're right about the errors; I think I sent this one to the presses a little too quickly.

And sorry bud, with the cost of stamps it would actually cost me more than five pennies to send them your way.  Next time you're in Southern California, feel free to pick them up though.

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Rick,

I don't know why but I really hate that word..."skit".  It just feels cheap and kind of lessens what I feel is a pretty good story.  Maybe it's because most skits usually are one note and not very good.  I don't really consider my script to be one-note, but maybe that's just me.  I'm not chastising you for calling it a "skit", moreso lamenting the fact that it was called a skit.  But if that's how you felt about it, that's how you felt.

Like I've said with the others, it seems like you wanted a different story, and I'm at a loss of what to say that I haven't already said.  I do appreciate the read though.

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Thanks everyone for the read!

Quoted from Dressel I don't know why but I really hate that word..."skit".  It just feels cheap and kind of lessens what I feel is a pretty good story.

I agree with you. Calling this a 'skit' and also 'cute' diminishes the 'penny for your thoughts' idea you came up with, which I think is quite ingenious. No thoughts, at this time re what you can do to make it better, cause it's been covered really, and I kinda like it as is.

I enjoyed this thoroughly. Very entertaining with an original premise. (wish I'd thought of it!) Great work.

Quoted Text Bravo! This could actually be my favorite short of all time. I mean that. I smiled through the whole thing.

Agreed. It's one of my favorite short scripts, too. It really should be filmed.

Quoted from LC I agree with you. Calling this a 'skit' and also 'cute' diminishes the 'penny for your thoughts' idea you came up with, which I think is quite ingenious. No thoughts, at this time re what you can do to make it better, cause it's been covered really, and I kinda like it as is. I enjoyed this thoroughly. Very entertaining with an original premise. (wish I'd thought of it!) Great work.

Thanks LC!

Quoted from crookedowl Agreed. It's one of my favorite short scripts, too. It really should be filmed.

Thanks!

I agree with Tyler that this could be made into a good short film where the stakes of these two instant rivals keep escalating and escalating like some sort of Spy V. Spy type one-upmanship.  If this was condensed into say a three pager I could see it as a way to set up the tone for a good full length about childhood rivals as well.  All in all it worked for what you were going for and the ending while not a surprise was satisfying enough.  Good writing.

Short, sweet and well written. Can easily be made into a short film and can be played at festivals like Sprockets (part of TIFF).

Just this in from Mattew, "Just thought I'd let you know that a script I workshopped on Simply Scripts was produced.  The director found it on Simply Scripts a couple years ago."

It was well done, I enjoyed it.