Penny For Your Thoughts by Matthew Dressel - Short, Family - A crafty ten year old boy opens up a unique business in suburbia only to find it threatened by a snotty girl with business plans of her own. 8 pages - pdf, format

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Thanks for posting this, Don.

I already noticed a typo at the top of page 5.  I got kind of mixed up because of the use of MY vs. YOUR.  It'll make more sense once you read it.

Kind of reminds me of this clip from The Simpsons:

That's very funny to me, I don't know about the other possible readers. lol.

Another easy, film-able script. It's good that you're cranking these out. I'm stuck on one. lol.

You've got to go over and check for spelling mostly verbs that needs an s. other than that, very good. I like how the boy handles the situation at the end. trying to give much away.  

Gabe

Bravo! This could actually be my favorite short of all time. I mean that. I smiled through the whole thing. AND I was thinking, what a concept. If I was a kid I would try it. And when I was a kid, a penny was still worth something!

You forgot to cap some characters at beginning.

A Norman Rockwell painting come to life.[b][/b]

But the story is a real keeper. And superbly written. Dressel back on top!

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Another easy, film-able script. It's good that you're cranking these out. I'm stuck on one. lol.

Thanks Gabe!  This was actually part of a vignette piece I wrote a few years back but never finished.  I took the strongest story and completely re-wrote it.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley You've got to go over and check for spelling mostly verbs that needs an s.

Yeah, I'm surprised I let a few typos get by; not usually my style.  Thanks for the read!

Quoted from leitskev Bravo! This could actually be my favorite short of all time. I mean that. I smiled through the whole thing.

Wow!  What a compliment!  Definitely a lot to live up to.

Quoted from leitskev You forgot to cap some characters at beginning.

I usually don't cap characters that don't have dialogue.  I think I would cap them if they appeared more than once, but if it was just a one-time thing I don't see a reason.

Quoted from leitskev A Norman Rockwell painting come to life. But the story is a real keeper. And superbly written. Dressel back on top!

Once again, thank you for the compliments.  For whatever reason, I worried people wouldn't dig this particular story, but I'm glad to see it worked.

Matthew,

Just wanted to acknowledge that I read this.   Unfortunately it didn't do too much for me at this time.  No fault of your own.   I think I've just officially burned out on shorts.     In any event, nice work.  Very cutesy-tootsy.

Well, I thought this was cute.

Like a modern day Little Rascals.

The dialogue was good and the descriptions were clear and vivid.

I'll have to check out your feature.

Cindy

Quoted from screenrider Just wanted to acknowledge that I read this.   Unfortunately it didn't do too much for me at this time.  No fault of your own.   I think I've just officially burned out on shorts.     In any event, nice work.

Sorry it didn't work for you, Mike.

Quoted from screenrider Very cutesy-tootsy.

It's never been my goal to write shorts that are so saccharine you can barely make your way through them.  And it's certainly never been my goal to receive "Cutesy-tootsy" as either a compliment or a criticism.  

Quoted from CindyLKeller Well, I thought this was cute. Like a modern day Little Rascals. The dialogue was good and the descriptions were clear and vivid.

Thanks for the read, Cindy.  Now that you mention it, I could see this as a Little Rascals type short.

Quoted from CindyLKeller I'll have to check out your feature.

Definitely in a different ball-park from this, but please feel free.

Just for the records, cutesy-tootsie is a compliment.

Dressel,

With a logline like that, who wouldn't want to read this.  As usual, stylistically your writing is clear and quite good.  Flowed pretty well.  I thought you nailed the characters of Jill and Eric.  "It's for me," that was funny.

Cool concept.  Simple as it maybe. I don't think I could have came up with anything like this.  Too be honest, most will be hard presed to find much fault with this piece.  It would be nit-picking.  It works as is.  I enjoyed it, but not as much as the kid with the bicycle.

Very impressive though!

Ghostie

I agree it's a cute idea and story.

There are issues, though.  Matt, check out your Slugs...problems here.

First of all, you've got a total of 5 Slugs (5 scenes).  Other than your opening Slug, the other 4 are all identical, other than the fact that 1 has a time in it of LATER, as opposed to DAY in the other 3. If these Slugs were correct, you could/should use Mini Slugs after the first in this location of "LATER".

But, in reality, you've got 3 different locations.  You intro your 3rd location on Page 3, when Eric walks over to "Jill's Stand".  From there, you go back and forth between Eric and Jill's Stand, 2 different locations, requiring 2 different Slugs.

Hope this makes sense and helps.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Very impressive though!

Thanks for the compliments, Ghost.  Glad you enjoyed it!

Quoted from Dreamscale I agree it's a cute idea and story.

Thanks for the read, Jeff.  Glad you seemed to enjoy it.

Quoted from Dreamscale There are issues, though.  Matt, check out your Slugs...problems here. First of all, you've got a total of 5 Slugs (5 scenes).  Other than your opening Slug, the other 4 are all identical, other than the fact that 1 has a time in it of LATER, as opposed to DAY in the other 3. If these Slugs were correct, you could/should use Mini Slugs after the first in this location of "LATER". But, in reality, you've got 3 different locations.  You intro your 3rd location on Page 3, when Eric walks over to "Jill's Stand".  From there, you go back and forth between Eric and Jill's Stand, 2 different locations, requiring 2 different Slugs.

Point taken.  I'll fix it up in the next draft.

Hey Matt,

Keeping the stories rolling, good for you.
It's refreshing to see family oriented entertainment on the site.
The pattern here reminds me of your schoolyard bully story.
Using the antag's tendencies against them to win the day.

In a victim vs. bully dynamic, it worked well, here, not so much for me.
I agree with Jeff, there's a fair share of slug ambiguity on the page.
However, I ignored it for the most part, it didn't detract much from the read.
I didn't read the thread in advance, your critical p. 5 typo, stopped me cold.
I went back over the script, then continued after I figured it out.

What didn't click here was the motivation and subtext.
The comparisons to Lucy's psychiatrist booth for Charlie Brown is obvious.
Those scenes work because both characters want something.
Lucy adores Charlie Brown and he needs advice about a dilemma.
They want something from each other and that plays out nicely in those scenes.

Here, I get no such dynamic between Eric and Jill.
Why did Jill decide to harass Eric? Does she like him? Did he spurn her affection?
Did Eric embarrass her at recess the other day? Give me something.
So, I thought the penny device would be used to bring out those points.
Instead, it was a mechanism to dispatch an antag. Meh.

In Just Coffee, there's a connection between characters, and it works.
In your bike riding bully story, your motivations are clear.
This story suffers without those character mechanics.
It's a nice set up and you tell it well, but it doesn't come to life for me.
Kudos on the family oriented fare, keep it up.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

I would like to respond to E.D.s review. The reviews by E.D. are always well thought out and constructive, this no exception. But I would like to suggest that in tales about children, character motivations do not need to be very detailed or complicated. In fact, that would detract from the story, since that's generally not how kids are.

We know Eric's having a table where he pays for thoughts is necessary to fulfill the plot at the end. One could consider that contrived, but I do not, and for this reason: that was the thing that intrigued me from the very beginning. The idea of a kid paying money from his stand instead of making it, and paying for something so insubstantial. That's very unique. Why does he do this? We don't really need to know exactly. Maybe he just wants to be different.

Why does Jill set up next door clearly with the intention of disrupting his gig? I went with the assumption that she was his sister being a pain. But it could be something else, that she is an annoying neighbor who has a crush. I just don't think it needs to be spelled out with kids. Especially in a short. You leave some for the imagination and enjoy the ride.

But your review was interesting and insightful as always! I hope people appreciate your work here. You and Jeff work the hardest and are the most effective on reviews at SS.

A nice, easy script. Personally I like the detail because in eight pages, we already have an idea for the characters. As someone already said - this is a script that could easily be made into some sort of short movie. More scenarios could be added as well, just for fun, as a sort of "Episode Two". We could see Eric trying new business ventures, with more competition. Just something for you to consider.