Quoted from Electric Dreamer It's refreshing to see family oriented entertainment on the site.

Yeah, I never really set out with the goal of writing family-oriented stuff, it usually just ends up that way.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer What didn't click here was the motivation and subtext.

Kevin basically took the words out of my mouth.  I don't think it's necessary, particularly when dealing with children to get so deep into motivations.  In Give Me a Break, Wes was a bully for no other reason than to be cruel.  Did he need the bike?  No.  But he took it anyway.  In the case of Penny for Your Thoughts, it's established (from the length of the notebook) that Eric has been up to this for awhile.  So it's not completely unreasonable that some spoiled/snotty girl would eventually see his idea and try to steal it.  Kids do stuff like that all the time.  Why?  Because they're kids.  Also, if you start picking apart motivations and don't just look at it as whimsical type world, the idea of a kid giving people his money to get ideas is a little asinine.

I do agree with Kevin also that your reviews are always welcome and much appreciated.  I can definitely see where you are coming from with this, I just don't know how necessary remedying it is.

Quoted from Tyler A nice, easy script. Personally I like the detail because in eight pages, we already have an idea for the characters.

Thanks for the read, Tyler.  Glad you enjoyed the script!

Quoted from Tyler More scenarios could be added as well, just for fun, as a sort of "Episode Two". We could see Eric trying new business ventures, with more competition. Just something for you to consider.

This actually was originally part of a longer story (3 different stories, three different sets of characters), but I took it out and made it its own.  I could see continuing this arc though, like you suggest.

Quoted from Dressel Kevin basically took the words out of my mouth.  I don't think it's necessary, particularly when dealing with children to get so deep into motivations.  In Give Me a Break, Wes was a bully for no other reason than to be cruel.  Did he need the bike?  No.  But he took it anyway.  In the case of Penny for Your Thoughts, it's established (from the length of the notebook) that Eric has been up to this for awhile.  So it's not completely unreasonable that some spoiled/snotty girl would eventually see his idea and try to steal it.  Kids do stuff like that all the time.  Why?  Because they're kids.  Also, if you start picking apart motivations and don't just look at it as whimsical type world, the idea of a kid giving people his money to get ideas is a little asinine.

Matt,

I agree with you it's not unreasonable in the slightest.
However, I do find it sub par compared to the rest of your effort in this piece.
A whimsical type world can easily describe a picaresque snow globe.
That doesn't mean I want to read a ten page script about that snow globe.

There's something missing from this cookie dough.
It's usually just a pinch or something, a line, a look, it's not much.
But it makes the rest of the ingredients come together and excel.
As it stands, it's fine work, but I believe there's room for growth in this story.
Without making it more difficult to film, it's there in your characters.
They're waiting for you to elevate them from devices to voices.
And you have demonstrated in the past the ability to do that.

I'm pleased to hear you're getting heat on The Other Man.
If you're heading north to PitchFest next month, drop me a PM.

BTW, did you know Steven Soderbergh filmed at the Marriot Irvine?

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer There's something missing from this cookie dough. It's usually just a pinch or something, a line, a look, it's not much. But it makes the rest of the ingredients come together and excel.

Point taken.  It's definitely something worth considering.  I actually like the sister angle Kevin was talking about; as it seems like something quarreling siblings would do.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I'm pleased to hear you're getting heat on The Other Man.

Thanks Brett!

Quoted from Electric Dreamer BTW, did you know Steven Soderbergh filmed at the Marriot Irvine?

Nope.  Hardly anybody shoots their films in Irvine, especially when you've got beautiful Laguna/Newport right next door.

Quoted from Dressel Nope.  Hardly anybody shoots their films in Irvine, especially when you've got beautiful Laguna/Newport right next door.

Soderbergh shot there for his white collar crime flick, "The Informant!".
Apparently the actual events took place there.
I've been in that lobby a few times and recognized it right away.

Yay useless trivia.

E.D.

hey Dressel,

you're always so helpful and insightful when reviewing my scripts, so my apologies for this post is long overdue.

overall, i really liked this one. its cute, its simple, and its entertaining. others have been pointing how that its not very deep, but in all honesty, it doesnt have to be. nor should it be. my favorite part about it was the dialogue. you absolutely nailed it. children's dialogue is so simple, yet so complex. and so many writers have a hard time portraying it accurately without making the kid sound like a total retard. having worked with kids, ive realized that they're a lot smarter and observant than you'd think. however kids have the vocabulary of, well, a 3rd grader. the dialogue in your screenplay, was accurate and smart, but not TOO smart. so kudos for that.

my only complaint is that this short left me wanting more. i'm a bit torn though because it was the perfect length. any longer, and this screenplay would become a one "joke" screenplay. its a clever idea, but it certainly wouldn't carry many more pages (then again, look at hobo with a shotgun haha). so what did i want to see more of? well i mainly wanted to know what other thoughts the kid received. i wanted to know what else he recorded in his book. i think there's a lot of potential there, based on the customer's thoughts. with that in mind, id like to see a completely new screenplay with the same concept, yet taken in an entirely different direction. imagine what kind of thoughts a 16 year old cheerleader would have compared to an 81 year old widow. i dunno, just a thought.

so overall, a superb screenplay...then again that's what ive come to expect from you.

Matt,

Just read this. I liked it alot. I think it works well and would be easy to film with a couple of talented kids. - Always a problem...

I especially enjoyed the rapid-fire name calling and penny delivery as well as the ending line. Well set-up, well executed. I did notice some typos and a few slug instances Jeff pointed out. But, I blew through this so fast, I didn't think they were note worthy. Good work...

James

Quoted from albinopenguin you're always so helpful and insightful when reviewing my scripts, so my apologies for this post is long overdue.

I appreciate the compliment, and don't sweat it.

Quoted from albinopenguin overall, i really liked this one. its cute, its simple, and its entertaining.

Thanks you, Will.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from albinopenguin my favorite part about it was the dialogue. you absolutely nailed it. children's dialogue is so simple, yet so complex.

Thanks again.  I tried really hard with this one.  I've written 3 scripts now with little kids, and it's always a challenge writing their dialogue.  I actually produced a short with a nearly all-child cast, so I learned first-hand what does and doesn't sound good when working with kids.

Quoted from albinopenguin my only complaint is that this short left me wanting more. so what did i want to see more of? well i mainly wanted to know what other thoughts the kid received. i wanted to know what else he recorded in his book.

I know exactly what you mean, and when I was writing it, I was planning on including more of that.  In fact, I was going to have a character named Rodney (an annoying 12 year old) who visited the booth every day, so much that Eric had an entire notebook just for him.  But the more I started toying around with it, the longer it got, and I thought it was important to not try and take away from the core story.  But you're absolutely right, it's an interesting angle I'm not really exploring and it would make for an interesting side-story.

Thanks again for the read!

Quoted from jwent6688 Just read this. I liked it alot. I think it works well and would be easy to film with a couple of talented kids. - Always a problem...

Thanks for the read, James.  And you're right about the kids, it's VERY difficult.

Quoted from jwent6688 I did notice some typos and a few slug instances Jeff pointed out.

Yeah, in the next draft I'm going to go through it with a fine-toothed comb and get out all those nasty typos (and fix the slugs).

Thanks James!

Matt,

A clever concept you have here.  Very funny, intriguing setup with the little kid actually paying people for their thoughts.  I think I'd like to know more about how this kid came up with this most unusual idea.  What does he intend to do with these thoughts he writes down in his notebook?   I'd really like to know his master plan.  I've read some of the earlier posts about the actions of kids not having to be explained like those of adults, but I wanted to know Eric's motivation for setting up this stand of his.  There has to be some reasoning behind it, even for a ten year old.

Most of the dialogue was well done and believable.  although this line on page 3:

ERIC (CONT’D)
Oh Goofus, will you ever learn?

That reminded me a little too much of a line from the Simpsons(forget which episode) where Mr. Burns is reading the comics and says "Oh Ziggy, will you ever win?"  But props to you for mentioning Goofus, a childhood hero of mine.  Much cooler than that Gallant prick.

The script definitely became more conventional when the girl showed up.  As a reader, I went from being intrigued as to this kid's well-beyond-his-years worldview to thinking, ah, he's a normal kid after all.  The banter between the two kids was funny, and I would have liked for the girl to bring up the point that at least her stand is a money-making enterprise.

Overall, an entertaining read and quite filmable.

Ryan

Quoted from Ryan1 I think I'd like to know moe about how this kid came up with this most unusual idea.  What does he intend to do with these thoughts he writes down in his notebook?   I'd really like to know his master plan.

Believe me, I would love to expand upon this idea, but I'd be worried that it would balloon up to an unmanageable size.  Also, part of me worries that if you start to dissect the kid's motivations, it will become less "magical" (for lack of a better word).  But, like I told Brett, it's worth giving some thought in drafts to come.

Quoted from Ryan1 Most of the dialogue was well done and believable.  although this line on page 3: ERIC (CONT’D) Oh Goofus, will you ever learn? That reminded me a little too much of a line from the Simpsons

Ha, you got me.  Wasn't sure if anyone would catch this, but it IS a reference to the episode Brush With Greatness; from the scene you mentioned.

Quoted from Ryan1 I would have liked for the girl to bring up the point that at least her stand is a money-making enterprise.

It's odd, I had a line like that in there but I cut it for some reason.  It was supposed to be right after she talked about improving on his idea.

Quoted from Ryan1 Overall, an entertaining read and quite filmable.

Thanks Ryan.  I appreciate the read and the compliments.

Hey Matt -

Okay, read "Penny".  What's the deal, man?  You channeling the charming side of Mark Twain or something?  Seems like it, between this and Just Coffee...  

I think it works.  The story comes around full circle in a very satisfying way, and a nice (albeit quiet) payoff.  And as someone else pointed out, yet another easily filmable piece.  Kudos. (BTW- I don't feel you need to delve into motivations in this script.  Why?  It is what it is...)  Though making them siblings could spice it up a bit...good suggestion there.  I also agree with an earlier suggestion that having Jill mention that her business would make money is a good additional touch.

A few typos/comments/general alterations that I'd make, IMHO (take them as you will, if they make sense to you):

Page 1: Couples jog(S)

Page 1: The runner's first line of dialogue - needs a question mark...

Page 3: LOVE the highlights magazine riff.  Though Eric's Goofus line seems a *little* too mature for his age group.  I really enjoy the line in general, just maybe change the wording a bit?

Page 4: Eric - You can't do this!  Again, a bit mature for Eric's age group.  Maybe change to something along the lines of: It's not fair! or No fair!

Page 4: Jill - And what are you going to do about it?  Again..too mature....  How about something like "You can't stop me, boogerhead..."  Something more "kiddie", anyway.  Especially considering that it's followed up with a tongue-sticking battle.  

Page 5: Woman's dialogue re: the cutest thing.  Maybe add  "in whole wide world"?  Stereotypical, but it works for the character, I think

Page 5: Not polite to copy.  Great line!

Page 7: "The Mom" seems awkward.  Maybe change to "Jillian's mom"?

All really, teeny tiny things.  But that's my 2 cents.  Or should that be, one cent for my thoughts?  )

Cheers!

-J (WV)

Quoted from wonkavite You channeling the charming side of Mark Twain or something?  Seems like it, between this and Just Coffee...

Haha, if I am it's not on purpose, but I appreciate the compliment.

Quoted from wonkavite   Though making them siblings could spice it up a bit...good suggestion there.  I also agree with an earlier suggestion that having Jill mention that her business would make money is a good additional touch.

Agreed.  I think these would both make excellent changes.

Quoted from wonkavite Page 3: LOVE the highlights magazine riff.  Though Eric's Goofus line seems a *little* too mature for his age group.  I really enjoy the line in general, just maybe change the wording a bit?

Yeah, it's understandable that it's considered too old for him, as it's a riff on a Mr. Burns line from The Simpsons.  I really love that line though.

Quoted from wonkavite Page 4: Eric - You can't do this!  Again, a bit mature for Eric's age group.  Maybe change to something along the lines of: It's not fair! or No fair! Page 4: Jill - And what are you going to do about it?  Again..too mature....  How about something like "You can't stop me, boogerhead..."  Something more "kiddie", anyway.  Especially considering that it's followed up with a tongue-sticking battle.

Both good suggestions.  When dealing with kids, it's really hard to walk a fine line with their dialogue.

Quoted from wonkavite Page 7: "The Mom" seems awkward.  Maybe change to "Jillian's mom"?

Agreed.  I'll change it.

Thanks for the read, Janet.  Really glad you liked it.  

You know, this is actually fine as it is, and honestly, there is not much that need be said about it, or done to it.

My only comment is so sweeping that you might as well ignore it unless you plan on writing an entirely different script.

I dig Eric -- and the whole concept of Eric -- so much that I was disappointed by this story.

Jill and her name-calling antics are not worthy adversaries for such an enigmatic figure as Eric.  He really deserves a larger story, with higher stakes, and the opportunity to act rather than react.  You put him out there, and I like him so much immediately, but learn so little about him.

I know, I know -- beyond the scope of things here.  Of course it is.  So yeah, like I said – good story as it is, honestly.  But give me a shout when the sequel emerges, and Eric actually has something to say.

Matt,

I thought this was a really cute little story. Not a lot to say about it.

The only thing I could nitpick is the resolution between Eric and Jill. It’s good as it is but I think Eric should be responsible for Jill’s mother being there. Maybe he saw Jill’s mom and got the idea. In other words, maybe he should outsmart Jill instead of getting lucky. That would be a little more active on Eric’s part.

Overall, good story. Good script. Good job.


Breanne

Quoted from bert You know, this is actually fine as it is, and honestly, there is not much that need be said about it, or done to it. My only comment is so sweeping that you might as well ignore it unless you plan on writing an entirely different script. I dig Eric -- and the whole concept of Eric -- so much that I was disappointed by this story. Jill and her name-calling antics are not worthy adversaries for such an enigmatic figure as Eric.  He really deserves a larger story, with higher stakes, and the opportunity to act rather than react.

Thanks for the read, Bert.  I completely understand where you're coming from, and you're right, it would be a completely different story.  That's not to say it'd be a bad one or anything, but I'm not exactly sure what that story would consist of at this point.   Honestly, I wanted to add more, but I didn't want to do that at the risk of hurting the story (and I really do like the story of the dueling booths).  I understand how this has become polarizing for some people though; as Eric is a far more dynamic character than Jill.  But I guess that's kind of what I was going for: an above-average 10 year old squaring off against an average one.

I'm glad you liked it for the most part though.  That does mean I'm at least doing something right at its core.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson I thought this was a really cute little story. Not a lot to say about it.

Thank you, Breanne.  I'm happy you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson The only thing I could nitpick is the resolution between Eric and Jill.

You're absolutely right.  In fact, I wanted it to be more about him outsmarting her than him being lucky, so I don't know why I didn't factor that in when writing it.  Now that I'm considering making them siblings, I think I can use him getting her mom in the way you suggested.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson Overall, good story. Good script. Good job.

Thanks again!

I like this a lot. I read the script before any comments and I just assumed they were brother and sister already. Partly because Eric yells, "Mom!" after Jill puts up her stand.

I also thought that Eric did outsmart Jill. He knew what would provoke Jill (I thought she was his sister while reading) and she would result to name calling, and since he had already called for the mom...

Anyway, one thing I noticed was that numbers in dialog should be spelled out, eight instead of 8.

Fantastic job though.

Brian