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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Blue Emperor Moderators: bert
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  Author    Blue Emperor  (currently 716 views)
Don
Posted: December 3rd, 2015, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Blue Emperor - Episode 1 by Timothy Acosta  - Short, Drama, Webseries - Born as a female, a teenager named Kyle Wakefield struggles to discover his own identity in a world that doesn't accept him for who he is.  10 pages - pdf, format


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Marcela
Posted: December 11th, 2015, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Timothy,
I have to say I really don't like the title Blue Emperor, it kinda doesn't fit with the logline. I liked the logline though, that's why I started reading.
page 1 - "His hands and left arm is broken." That is a bit clumsy sentence.
page 1  - "Detective Silby gives her a few comforting words." Well, I really would like know what words! Those words would also mean a dialogue, which is something that u really need there. A page full of action lines is very difficult to read, perhaps that's why nobody has commented on your script yet.
'The DETECTIVE interviewing her is SILBY, a man who has years of experience.' I would like to know some basic description. Detective SILBY, 45, experienced, soft-spoken...
page 1 'A few TEENAGERS murmur to themselves.' Again, a missed opportunity to include some dialog and make your script easier to read.

Sorry to be such a nitpicker, please feel free to do exactly the same with any of my scripts. I'm hoping to be back and read more of your script,
Marcela


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