Quoted from reuel51 I also thought that Eric did outsmart Jill. He knew what would provoke Jill (I thought she was his sister while reading) and she would result to name calling, and since he had already called for the mom...

That's kind of what I was thinking, but it also did rely a bit too much on luck.  However, when you're dealing with a short like this I think you can afford to make such leaps.

Quoted from reuel51 Anyway, one thing I noticed was that numbers in dialog should be spelled out, eight instead of 8.

Noted and fixed.

Quoted from reuel51 Fantastic job though.

Thanks for the read, Brian.  Glad you enjoyed it and I appreciate the kind words.

Quoted from reuel51 I just assumed they were brother and sister already. Partly because Eric yells, "Mom!" after Jill puts up her stand. I also thought that Eric did outsmart Jill. He knew what would provoke Jill (I thought she was his sister while reading) and she would result to name calling, and since he had already called for the mom...

After reading this, I went back to see what it was that cued me that Eric and Jill were not brother and sister. For one, after Eric runs to his mom, we cut to a later point where Eric is sitting frustrated because his mother evidently didn’t do anything to help him. Later, Jill says, “I think you should go home and cry some more to your mommy.” To me, this line clearly indicates that Eric’s earlier moment of running to his mother has passed and that their mothers are different.

With regard to Eric outsmarting her, well, all he really did was annoy her. He got lucky that her mother showed up. If Jill’s mother hadn’t arrived unexpectedly, what was Eric planning to do? Just annoy her until she had all his money? That’s kind of what I was getting at. While it’s certainly conceivable that a 10 year old would spend his pennies just to agitate a young girl, it didn’t seem to me to be enough cleverness from Eric, who has already exhibited that he thinks unconventionally.

Anyway, that’s the way I saw it. It’s not wrong or right, just my impressions.


Breanne

Breanne,

Your points are well-taken.  I'm going to fix up these issues in the next draft, because it can't really hurt to add some clarity to it all.

-Matt

Matt,

just read this one while sitting outside enjoying the sunshine.

I can see why people seemed to like this one. It is cute and nice. It didn't really do much for me though. First off I think it's a little too long for the story. Second, it lacks some kind of punch. It's just two kids arguing. Like Breanne said, Eric didn't really outsmart Jill. He just got lucky her mom came. I enjoyed Eric's encounter with the Jogger more.

I'm sort of notorious for liking dark stuff though so don't take my comments too seriously.  I just would have liked to see people giving "real" thoughts. Giving us a glimpse into their personalities.

I disagree with Gabe that this would be easy to film. It looks like it would, but you need two kids that can act to pull it off. That can be hard...

All in all, a nice pleasant little story that will appeal to most people. A little too ho-hum for me, but I can still appreciate the story.

Pia  

Hey Matt,

I have to say, I was a lot more interested about the rest of the stuff in Eric's notebook and his interactions with other pedestrians and his motivations for why he had set up the stand rather than his little tiff with Jill.  ($0.01)

It's still a good cute story and it works as it is, I just thought that it was a really clever thing that Eric was doing with the stand and wanted to see that played out some more.  ($0.02)

I was surprised to find so many typos in a short work from you.  ($0.03)  When I read 'The Other Man', there weren't very many that I noticed, and this had a bunch and it's only barely eight pages.  Mainly it was adding 's' to verbs when you shouldn't have or leaving the 's' off the verb when you should have had it on.  ($0.04)

But, like I said, it was still a good, cute story.  Just wanted to get to know Eric a little bit better.  ($0.05)

So let's tally it all up now.  What was it?  I gave you five thoughts, so I'll PM you with my address and you can mail me my 5 pennies.  (Trust me.  It's been a bad month.  I can really use them right now.)  

- Mark

Yeah, I'm on the Bert side of things.

The idea of paying people for their thoughts was a very interesting one and the dramatic question I had was what was his ultimate goal going to be...what was he going to do with the thoughts, which thought was good to be the inciting incident into something else?

When you have a quirky concept like that, it seems to demand a more compelling story.

The story we have is nice enough, but it's essentially a very long skit...a set up and then a gag. It's very long for that kind of story and although it had a lot of charm, my ultimate feeling was one of being underwhelmed.

But as Pia said, maybe it's just not the kind of story for people like me.

Rick.

Pia,

Thanks for the read.  It's not all that surprising that it wasn't up your alley (I understand you like things a bit on the darker side.)  As far as Eric not outsmarting Jill, the way I saw it was that his initial plan was to wear her down (by using his excessive amount of coins), but it was just a happy accident that her mother came along.  I know what you mean when you say it lacks a punch though.

And you're absolutely right, this would NOT be easy to film.  Working with kids is very difficult.

--
Mark,

I know what you guys are all saying about his interactions with the people and their thoughts, but 1.) that would be a totally different story (which is seems like what you guys want), and 2.) I don't really know what that story would be.  I didn't write this to be an introspective type piece, which is what I think it would turn into if I went that route.  And you're right about the errors; I think I sent this one to the presses a little too quickly.

And sorry bud, with the cost of stamps it would actually cost me more than five pennies to send them your way.  Next time you're in Southern California, feel free to pick them up though.

--

Rick,

I don't know why but I really hate that word..."skit".  It just feels cheap and kind of lessens what I feel is a pretty good story.  Maybe it's because most skits usually are one note and not very good.  I don't really consider my script to be one-note, but maybe that's just me.  I'm not chastising you for calling it a "skit", moreso lamenting the fact that it was called a skit.  But if that's how you felt about it, that's how you felt.

Like I've said with the others, it seems like you wanted a different story, and I'm at a loss of what to say that I haven't already said.  I do appreciate the read though.

--
Thanks everyone for the read!

Quoted from Dressel I don't know why but I really hate that word..."skit".  It just feels cheap and kind of lessens what I feel is a pretty good story.

I agree with you. Calling this a 'skit' and also 'cute' diminishes the 'penny for your thoughts' idea you came up with, which I think is quite ingenious. No thoughts, at this time re what you can do to make it better, cause it's been covered really, and I kinda like it as is.

I enjoyed this thoroughly. Very entertaining with an original premise. (wish I'd thought of it!) Great work.

Quoted Text Bravo! This could actually be my favorite short of all time. I mean that. I smiled through the whole thing.

Agreed. It's one of my favorite short scripts, too. It really should be filmed.

Quoted from LC I agree with you. Calling this a 'skit' and also 'cute' diminishes the 'penny for your thoughts' idea you came up with, which I think is quite ingenious. No thoughts, at this time re what you can do to make it better, cause it's been covered really, and I kinda like it as is. I enjoyed this thoroughly. Very entertaining with an original premise. (wish I'd thought of it!) Great work.

Thanks LC!

Quoted from crookedowl Agreed. It's one of my favorite short scripts, too. It really should be filmed.

Thanks!

I agree with Tyler that this could be made into a good short film where the stakes of these two instant rivals keep escalating and escalating like some sort of Spy V. Spy type one-upmanship.  If this was condensed into say a three pager I could see it as a way to set up the tone for a good full length about childhood rivals as well.  All in all it worked for what you were going for and the ending while not a surprise was satisfying enough.  Good writing.

Short, sweet and well written. Can easily be made into a short film and can be played at festivals like Sprockets (part of TIFF).

Just this in from Mattew, "Just thought I'd let you know that a script I workshopped on Simply Scripts was produced.  The director found it on Simply Scripts a couple years ago."

It was well done, I enjoyed it.