Broken Teeth by Max Donigan - Short, Action - An argument between two dentists escalates beyond control. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Best thing I've read thus far!  (Leaving my own out of it, of course...)  :)

Really, seriously solid writing - and I loved the dialogue leading up to the all-out-fight.  If I were to nitpick at all, I'd say that the fight scene itself runs a tad bit long...it could be scaled back a small notch, with no loss to the script.  And *if possible* incorporate even more dental instruments into the melee, to add yet more character and relevancy.  Though that works well, as is.

But the twist and payoff were great.  Cheers - job very well done!

Well, the good news is we finally have a solidly written script from a good writer...but...it's not too good for me.

The dialogue which was praised earlier, doesn't sound very good to me.  The action, although competent, isn't great and goes on way too long.

There's a good attempt at a story here, but for me, it doesn't quite work and the ending left me unhappy.

I suspect a great SS writer put this together late Friday night and although it's good, it feels very rushed.

Best so far, but based on the competition, that's not saying much.  Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm sure you know what I mean.  good effort though for sure!

Talk about leaving a bad taste in the mouth...

Although there's obvious skill in the writing, I found the characters uninteresting and I couldn't work up any interest in what they were doing to each other.  Also, with all of those broken teeth, I think the characters would be less chatty.  Try saying "time to float away" with mouth damage.

This was pretty good, but it did feel rushed.  Dialogue at the beginning went on a bit long, actually like five pages.  The fight scene, contrary to what the other posters have said, could have gone on a little longer, considering this is an action script.  I like the imagery of two dentists throwing down with office equipment.  Pretty funny.

Uh, the ending I wasn't sure of.  Did the wife kill herself with the third shot?  Seems like the writer could have used the couple extra pages to flesh out the whole affair thing a little deeper.  So, a good effort, but definitely felt rushed to meet the deadline.

BROKEN TEETH

Action:     Yes
Low Budget: Yes

Two dentists dueling, a murder, a surprise love affair and a wife who walks into a small dentist office with a gun and not be seen. What’s not to like?

Very good.

This had its good moments and with some cleaning up I think it could be quite good.  

The action is creative enough but for some reason I kept expecting more humor to play into it.  I mean, two dentists duking it out while destroying their office is pretty comical when you think about it.  Maybe that is the humor, I dunno.  

Liked the Sabrina twist a lot, didn't get the Louise Feingold thing at the end.  Grant didn't tell her...Sabrina didn't tell her cause she got shot at the end in addition to Arnold...soooo....what?

The characters of Arnold and Grant were just meh.  I mean, both of these doctors are kinda slimy to begin with and by the end it just felt anticlimactic.  Dialogue was good in certain parts.  I'm not sure why Grant smashing the diploma would be the last straw; he throws his temper tantrum, breaks the frame, leaves, just put the diploma in a new frame, call it a day.  

But I still enjoyed this.  Nice job.

Greg

Well, three times a charm. My third scripteroo and it didn't have me blue.

Very nicely written. Although it did feel a bit over the top, I think with some chilling effects and some looney music, we could have these doctor's turning truly towards madness quite easily.

This might be what's lacking here:

A more gradual development from apparent normalcy, to menacing and then ghastliness. Perhaps show a few signs that things just aren't quite right in this office.

Sandra

I liked this one but thought it could have been a bit more comical. As Greg mentioned, the set-up is pretty funny by itself. Play off the absurdness of the situation.

I also thought the ending with the wife came out of left field. Why was she there with a gun in the first place? Had she planned on killing him before? Leaves too many questions at the end.

Quite a few scripts that are good, then fall with the ending, I think this falls into that category.

formatting: flawless

writing: tight

originality: two fighting dentists in a story that called for action. I'd say that's original.

story: two well placed twists

I made a promise to myself that from now I on I will read every story twice before commenting, in order to be fair, and make sure I caught everything. But this story is so well executed, there is absolutely no need to do that.

I do have a couple of questions about the end. First is the injection of Demerol. Are loaded syringes of this normally kept on hand? Was it fatal because it was injected in the neck? I just don't know how it works.

Sabrina's reaction to the whole thing was pretty calm.

Louise shows up, and happens to have a gun. Not a big problem, but it might help if she makes a comment about being suspicious or something. I think it would be a little unusual for a dentist's wife to carry a gun...then, everyone hates going to the dentist, so maybe there's some mad patients around!

This was a great OWC story. Well written, entertaining, twists at the end.

Oh, one idea: when he breaks the other dentist's teeth, a chance for a funny line: "You should really see a dentist about that."

Anyone every see the Seinfeld episode on anti-dentites?

Oooo, good line, Kev!  :)  Seriously - that one is definitely worth incorporating.

Too bad I can't think of them for my own scripts!

I thought this was a good entry. Most action heavy scripts bore the hell out of me. But, you did a good job with the fight scene. Maybe a tad long.

It does have its flaws in the logic. How did Grant really epect to absorb his business and , moreso, get away with this bloody murder?

The ending with the wife was a nice touch, though I wish she would've lived. Missed opportunity for a good last line from Louise there IMO. She would get everything at that point, from her cheating husband and his mistress.

Anywho, good work. Solid writing. I enjoyed it...

James

The action was well written. I'm not crazy about the ending, it felt cheap. But, I think you really had no other way to end it.

Are you a dentist?

As I go:

Page 4:  You're a good writer.  The characters suck though.  The dialogue is boring because they're boring.  It's competent, some of the exposition is good ("Yardwork with the missus?"), some of it is bad ("...that argument with Mrs. Monroe on Tuesday").  But in the end, it doesn't matter because these are just two incredibly dull guys.

Thoughts:

I didn't make any notes while reading.  The writing is tight, concise, blah blah blah.  The story's not good because the characters aren't good.  One's an asshole and the other's...an asshole.  In the end they both die.  Who cares?

The action was well written, although I'd say it could have been shortened just a little bit.  It moved at a good pace, it just got to be a bit too much reading, for me.

This was definitely the best-constructed action sequence I've read yet.  The entire second half of the script. really, seems to be good.  The issue is that there's no reason to care about the second half of the script because there's nothing in the first half.

Thanks for the fun read and congrats on writing for the OWC!

Solid and very well written.  However, I really didn't like any of the characters.. or the story for that matter. To me it felt like a really good writer tried to spice up a really bland story.  Needs more garlic.

Although, a world with two less dentists in it is OK by me :-þ

I really enjoyed this one. The first conversation between the duelling dentists does go on for too long. However, the comic timing of the action sequence was very well done. I laughed out loud, and thats rare. So thanks.

The fact that they are actually having an affair works, and for me, would have been the appropriate ending.

Yes, the wife turning up with a gun is a bit too conveniant.

However, the writing is pretty flawless, even more impressive considering the one week timeframe. Good work.

#10 Broken Teeth -
An argument between two dentists escalates beyond control. 11 pages.

Format: Perfect - Good -  Close Enough
Notes: Pg 1 Dentists usually don't have nurses, they have hygienists. Pg8 reveal - VERY FUNNY! Pg 10 Double twist! Very nicely done! Just after quitting time and it's night already. Must be winter.
Action: H3ll, Yeah! - Pretty Good - Eventually - Needs More
Breakdown: Decent enough fist fighting action, like James Bond goes domestic, or something. It's somewhere between goofy and less than epic. How's that?

Budget Considerations:
Locations - Medical office building exterior + interior,
Props -  Wooden sign w/ posts, patient file, pen, desktop 5x7 photo of Arnold + Louise + frame, kid's ceramic thing, large framed faux diploma, light box, fake blood, broken teeth, metal tray, small surgical tools kit, syringe w/ needle, Walther PPK 380
Costumes - Lab coat x2, hygenist scrubs + name tags
Vehicles - None
Actors - Arnold, Grant, Sabrina, Louise
SFX - Rolling laser smash into mouth (greenscreen), stab to Grant's head, syringe stab to neck
Other - body pads for stunt fighting, drywall damage/repair, wirework for kick, either make up teeth missing or paint out in post

Budget Guesstimate:  Maybe $1k? It's mostly above the line expenses here that'll cost you. That and getting permission to tear up a dentist's office. Ha! Otherwise, definitely indie + non-SAG territory.
What I like: It's kinda silly. It just kinda escalates from silly to gruesome.  Nice, simple use of only four cast members and a single setting.
What I'd change: I dunno. I'm having a hard time reconciling the Nickelodeon kid sit-com aspects with the HBO Sopranos aspects
How I envision this looking: Tony Soprano plays dentist? I dunno. Sorry. The piece is nice, I just don't know what to do with it.
What I'd like to know from the writer: Think James Gandolfini would make a nice Arnold?  LOL!

Ok got this one down.

No spelling or grammer mistakes that I noticed.

Story was solid. Straight to the point and the action has a good pace as well.

Nice ending.

Overall a pretty darn good short!

Max,

This one fulfills the OWC theme the best overall so far.
It's rivals for sure and a fairly low budget affair. Kudos.

Grant's wild logic gaps are covered up by some fairly slick pages.
It's a nice twist that Grant guessed right, which explains Arnold's quick temper.
Going from room to room got a little stale, but still solid execution with the fight.

I didn't care about the characters, it was your execution that kept me reading.
And the wife with a bullet trifecta ending sabotaged your effort.
It was one twist too many for me.
One of the most solid efforts so far.

Thanks for playing, OWCs only work with effort like yours.

Regards,
E.D.

This was one of my favourites so far, story was great, nice game of bluff, everything finished up nicely in the world you created. The action was also very gritty, especially for dentists! There was alot of research done on this or written by someone who either knows or works in this area. Nicely written and out together. Big Thumbs up.

This one was good, but a few lapses in logic stopped this one from being great, like Grant killing Arnold and thinking everything was going to go his way afterwards, then Arnold going apeshit simply because his frame got broken.

I was actually rooting for Arnold in the beginning, because I thought he was a pretty innocent guy and was trying to let down a horrible worker gently.  I didn't think he was an asshole at all at the beginning, and I think that's what made the twist so good is that we finally see he is a jerk.  I think him being an asshole was unexpected up til that point.

Don't exactly know how cheap of a budget it would be, because it seems some equipment and plaster walls would get destroyed, but maybe...

The action was fighting action, and that's low budget in itself, and still put something exciting to see on the screen.

So, this was good, but some things get in the way of it being great.

- Mark

Well, thank you all for reading, reviewing and voting.  

Jeff, you hit the nail on the head when you said this was written Friday night in a rush.  Precisely correct.  All week, I had nothing for this owc.  Nada.  Then with two hours left before the deadline, I just thought "what would be one of the most unlikely places to stage a knockdown, dragout slobberknocker?"  Dentist's office, naturally.

In the first version, both guys were nebbishy Woody Allen types.  Problem is, the story came off as pure camp, and when I looked back at Don's original post, he said that was off limits.  So I went back, changed one of the dentists to a younger, more physically capable dude.  The twist at the end with Louise the wife was an absolute last minute decision.  I already had Sabrina the nurse give Grant the shot of Demerol after revealing she was having the affair with Arnold.  It just felt like a loose ending without any real kick in the guts.  So I added Louise.  I just thought...Louise suspected them of an affair all this time and happened to show up at the right time.  But I didn't have any time to go back and write in any foreshadowing, so that ending does sorta come outta left field.  

I wish I wrote this out on Thursday and could have had time to go back on Friday and iron out the dialogue and various lapses in logic that people have pointed out.  Anyway, I did have fun writing out that fight scene.