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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 7:44pm
Best thing I've read thus far! (Leaving my own out of it, of course...)
Really, seriously solid writing - and I loved the dialogue leading up to the all-out-fight. If I were to nitpick at all, I'd say that the fight scene itself runs a tad bit long...it could be scaled back a small notch, with no loss to the script. And *if possible* incorporate even more dental instruments into the melee, to add yet more character and relevancy. Though that works well, as is.
But the twist and payoff were great. Cheers - job very well done!
Although there's obvious skill in the writing, I found the characters uninteresting and I couldn't work up any interest in what they were doing to each other. Also, with all of those broken teeth, I think the characters would be less chatty. Try saying "time to float away" with mouth damage.
This was pretty good, but it did feel rushed. Dialogue at the beginning went on a bit long, actually like five pages. The fight scene, contrary to what the other posters have said, could have gone on a little longer, considering this is an action script. I like the imagery of two dentists throwing down with office equipment. Pretty funny.
Uh, the ending I wasn't sure of. Did the wife kill herself with the third shot? Seems like the writer could have used the couple extra pages to flesh out the whole affair thing a little deeper. So, a good effort, but definitely felt rushed to meet the deadline.
This had its good moments and with some cleaning up I think it could be quite good.
The action is creative enough but for some reason I kept expecting more humor to play into it. I mean, two dentists duking it out while destroying their office is pretty comical when you think about it. Maybe that is the humor, I dunno.
Liked the Sabrina twist a lot, didn't get the Louise Feingold thing at the end. Grant didn't tell her...Sabrina didn't tell her cause she got shot at the end in addition to Arnold...soooo....what?
The characters of Arnold and Grant were just meh. I mean, both of these doctors are kinda slimy to begin with and by the end it just felt anticlimactic. Dialogue was good in certain parts. I'm not sure why Grant smashing the diploma would be the last straw; he throws his temper tantrum, breaks the frame, leaves, just put the diploma in a new frame, call it a day.
originality: two fighting dentists in a story that called for action. I'd say that's original.
story: two well placed twists
I made a promise to myself that from now I on I will read every story twice before commenting, in order to be fair, and make sure I caught everything. But this story is so well executed, there is absolutely no need to do that.
I do have a couple of questions about the end. First is the injection of Demerol. Are loaded syringes of this normally kept on hand? Was it fatal because it was injected in the neck? I just don't know how it works.
Sabrina's reaction to the whole thing was pretty calm.
Louise shows up, and happens to have a gun. Not a big problem, but it might help if she makes a comment about being suspicious or something. I think it would be a little unusual for a dentist's wife to carry a gun...then, everyone hates going to the dentist, so maybe there's some mad patients around!
This was a great OWC story. Well written, entertaining, twists at the end.
Oh, one idea: when he breaks the other dentist's teeth, a chance for a funny line: "You should really see a dentist about that."
Anyone every see the Seinfeld episode on anti-dentites?
I thought this was a good entry. Most action heavy scripts bore the hell out of me. But, you did a good job with the fight scene. Maybe a tad long.
It does have its flaws in the logic. How did Grant really epect to absorb his business and , moreso, get away with this bloody murder?
The ending with the wife was a nice touch, though I wish she would've lived. Missed opportunity for a good last line from Louise there IMO. She would get everything at that point, from her cheating husband and his mistress.
Page 4: You're a good writer. The characters suck though. The dialogue is boring because they're boring. It's competent, some of the exposition is good ("Yardwork with the missus?"), some of it is bad ("...that argument with Mrs. Monroe on Tuesday"). But in the end, it doesn't matter because these are just two incredibly dull guys.
I didn't make any notes while reading. The writing is tight, concise, blah blah blah. The story's not good because the characters aren't good. One's an asshole and the other's...an asshole. In the end they both die. Who cares?
The action was well written, although I'd say it could have been shortened just a little bit. It moved at a good pace, it just got to be a bit too much reading, for me.
This was definitely the best-constructed action sequence I've read yet. The entire second half of the script. really, seems to be good. The issue is that there's no reason to care about the second half of the script because there's nothing in the first half.
Thanks for the fun read and congrats on writing for the OWC!