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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    June 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Broken Teeth - June 2011 OWC
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  Author    Broken Teeth - June 2011 OWC  (currently 2688 views)
Don
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Broken Teeth by Max Donigan - Short, Action - An argument between two dentists escalates beyond control. 11 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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wonkavite
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Best thing I've read thus far!  (Leaving my own out of it, of course...)  

Really, seriously solid writing - and I loved the dialogue leading up to the all-out-fight.  If I were to nitpick at all, I'd say that the fight scene itself runs a tad bit long...it could be scaled back a small notch, with no loss to the script.  And *if possible* incorporate even more dental instruments into the melee, to add yet more character and relevancy.  Though that works well, as is.

But the twist and payoff were great.  Cheers - job very well done!
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Well, the good news is we finally have a solidly written script from a good writer...but...it's not too good for me.

The dialogue which was praised earlier, doesn't sound very good to me.  The action, although competent, isn't great and goes on way too long.

There's a good attempt at a story here, but for me, it doesn't quite work and the ending left me unhappy.

I suspect a great SS writer put this together late Friday night and although it's good, it feels very rushed.

Best so far, but based on the competition, that's not saying much.  Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm sure you know what I mean.  good effort though for sure!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  June 6th, 2011, 11:24am
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c m hall
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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Talk about leaving a bad taste in the mouth...

Although there's obvious skill in the writing, I found the characters uninteresting and I couldn't work up any interest in what they were doing to each other.  Also, with all of those broken teeth, I think the characters would be less chatty.  Try saying "time to float away" with mouth damage.
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Ryan1
Posted: June 4th, 2011, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty good, but it did feel rushed.  Dialogue at the beginning went on a bit long, actually like five pages.  The fight scene, contrary to what the other posters have said, could have gone on a little longer, considering this is an action script.  I like the imagery of two dentists throwing down with office equipment.  Pretty funny.

Uh, the ending I wasn't sure of.  Did the wife kill herself with the third shot?  Seems like the writer could have used the couple extra pages to flesh out the whole affair thing a little deeper.  So, a good effort, but definitely felt rushed to meet the deadline.
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grademan
Posted: June 5th, 2011, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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BROKEN TEETH

Action:     Yes
Low Budget: Yes

Two dentists dueling, a murder, a surprise love affair and a wife who walks into a small dentist office with a gun and not be seen. What’s not to like?

Very good.
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greg
Posted: June 5th, 2011, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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This had its good moments and with some cleaning up I think it could be quite good.  

The action is creative enough but for some reason I kept expecting more humor to play into it.  I mean, two dentists duking it out while destroying their office is pretty comical when you think about it.  Maybe that is the humor, I dunno.  

Liked the Sabrina twist a lot, didn't get the Louise Feingold thing at the end.  Grant didn't tell her...Sabrina didn't tell her cause she got shot at the end in addition to Arnold...soooo....what?

The characters of Arnold and Grant were just meh.  I mean, both of these doctors are kinda slimy to begin with and by the end it just felt anticlimactic.  Dialogue was good in certain parts.  I'm not sure why Grant smashing the diploma would be the last straw; he throws his temper tantrum, breaks the frame, leaves, just put the diploma in a new frame, call it a day.  

But I still enjoyed this.  Nice job.

Greg


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: June 5th, 2011, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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Well, three times a charm. My third scripteroo and it didn't have me blue.

Very nicely written. Although it did feel a bit over the top, I think with some chilling effects and some looney music, we could have these doctor's turning truly towards madness quite easily.

This might be what's lacking here:

A more gradual development from apparent normalcy, to menacing and then ghastliness. Perhaps show a few signs that things just aren't quite right in this office.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one but thought it could have been a bit more comical. As Greg mentioned, the set-up is pretty funny by itself. Play off the absurdness of the situation.

I also thought the ending with the wife came out of left field. Why was she there with a gun in the first place? Had she planned on killing him before? Leaves too many questions at the end.

Quite a few scripts that are good, then fall with the ending, I think this falls into that category.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
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leitskev
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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formatting: flawless

writing: tight

originality: two fighting dentists in a story that called for action. I'd say that's original.

story: two well placed twists

I made a promise to myself that from now I on I will read every story twice before commenting, in order to be fair, and make sure I caught everything. But this story is so well executed, there is absolutely no need to do that.

I do have a couple of questions about the end. First is the injection of Demerol. Are loaded syringes of this normally kept on hand? Was it fatal because it was injected in the neck? I just don't know how it works.

Sabrina's reaction to the whole thing was pretty calm.

Louise shows up, and happens to have a gun. Not a big problem, but it might help if she makes a comment about being suspicious or something. I think it would be a little unusual for a dentist's wife to carry a gun...then, everyone hates going to the dentist, so maybe there's some mad patients around!

This was a great OWC story. Well written, entertaining, twists at the end.

Oh, one idea: when he breaks the other dentist's teeth, a chance for a funny line: "You should really see a dentist about that."

Anyone every see the Seinfeld episode on anti-dentites?
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wonkavite
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Oooo, good line, Kev!    Seriously - that one is definitely worth incorporating.
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leitskev
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Too bad I can't think of them for my own scripts!
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jwent6688
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was a good entry. Most action heavy scripts bore the hell out of me. But, you did a good job with the fight scene. Maybe a tad long.

It does have its flaws in the logic. How did Grant really epect to absorb his business and , moreso, get away with this bloody murder?

The ending with the wife was a nice touch, though I wish she would've lived. Missed opportunity for a good last line from Louise there IMO. She would get everything at that point, from her cheating husband and his mistress.

Anywho, good work. Solid writing. I enjoyed it...

James


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Tony Hughes
Posted: June 6th, 2011, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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The action was well written. I'm not crazy about the ending, it felt cheap. But, I think you really had no other way to end it.

Are you a dentist?
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Heretic
Posted: June 7th, 2011, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Page 4:  You're a good writer.  The characters suck though.  The dialogue is boring because they're boring.  It's competent, some of the exposition is good ("Yardwork with the missus?"), some of it is bad ("...that argument with Mrs. Monroe on Tuesday").  But in the end, it doesn't matter because these are just two incredibly dull guys.

Thoughts:

I didn't make any notes while reading.  The writing is tight, concise, blah blah blah.  The story's not good because the characters aren't good.  One's an asshole and the other's...an asshole.  In the end they both die.  Who cares?

The action was well written, although I'd say it could have been shortened just a little bit.  It moved at a good pace, it just got to be a bit too much reading, for me.

This was definitely the best-constructed action sequence I've read yet.  The entire second half of the script. really, seems to be good.  The issue is that there's no reason to care about the second half of the script because there's nothing in the first half.

Thanks for the fun read and congrats on writing for the OWC!


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