Restroom by Jordan Littleton (nomad) - Short - The decisions we make today, affect the rest of our lives.  John's decision to use this particular restroom will change his life forever. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Great script.  I enjoyed it a lot.  

Well, I'd definitely have a little more to say about this script if 'nomad' is about.

I'll say this much to begin with: it's a fast ride and it's got lots of potential for a great lil' story...

SPOILER ALERT

********************

but the ending kinda sucks. I thought it was going to end 'cleverly' -but you just took the 'wind out of the sails' with that conclusion, imho.

Oh, and get Celtx or a similar freebie scriptwriting software. Lots more to add... re formatting and your plot... if you're about.

A good script, but I agree with LC that it could've had a better ending. I was expecting something better than just SPOILER he gets shot. Also, it would make a good feature script, in my opinion.

The only typo I spotted was on page 5, when Jeden says "Clean the blood off the case and lets go." There needs to be an apostrophe before the "s" in "let's."

The ending is the best part!  Don't listen to these two.  Greed is what killed this guy.  Had he not taken the sack of cash, and just went home, he would still be alive.  

My suggestion with this script is to go through and do a rewrite or two, tighten the whole thing up and shop it around.  I would love to see this one come to life.  

Yeah, this is surprisingly pretty good.

The writing itself is another story.  So much passive verbiage going on everywhere really takes one out of the read.

Early on, you misspelled cell phone, which looked like a bad omen of things to come, but otherwise, pretty decent.

I think the end will be a polarizing issue.  I like it in many ways, but can see where something a little more creative would be nice.

Not bad though at all...

Quoted from TheSecond The ending is the best part!  Don't listen to these two.

Your comment was pretty tacky.  Screenwriting is very subjective.   Advice is not a straight-up, one person one vote, democracy. So why don't we let nomad decide... to take the people who are giving it, and weight them according to relevance.

@nomad... too be honest I wasn't going to read this.  Mainly because I don't recognize your name.  But since I decided to hi-jack your thread I did.  You didn't bring anything new to the table with this.  And I would agree, your ending is lackluster.  You could tighten up the writing a bit (we all could) and run spell check.

Other then that, it was a solid effort.

Ghostie

I'm tacky partner...  It's his story, he wrote it the way he saw it.  I understood it and appreciated it, therefore back him in his ending.  

Hello Jordan,

Noticed the activity here, thought I'd give this a look see.
I don't recognize you from the boards, new here?
If you're around and contribute reviews, I'll go into more detail about your script.

Purely from a narrative point of view, this isn't half bad.
It moves at a decent clip, the ending was what I expected.
Save for the fact it felt cut short, sure the guy got greedy and got dead.
But a bullet from an unseen assailant with no dialogue didn't do it for me.
It didn't measure up to the rest of your effort, IMO.
Why not have dialogue, reveal their identity, maybe it's a surprise who's got the gun.

You have a lot to learn about format, so did I, when I joined SS.
If you put the time into this forum and do peer reviews, you will get much better.
Take the first step and review some veterans around here.

Best of luck, hope to see you around the boards.
Keep writing and rewriting.

Regards,
E.D.

I have to agree with the others here.

I expected that ending. It's okay, but I would have liked to have seen some kind of an unexpected twist at the end.

Welcome aboard.

Cindy

Thank you everyone for reading my story.  I didn't know this had been posted.  I'll read all of your comments and reply to each one.

This is my first attempt at a screenwriting.  I'm new to the board and new to screenwriting so any advice you may have is greatly appreciated.

Right now I'm just using Word Pad to write my screenplays.  I figure I'd learn the format first and then let a program do it for me.

Quoted from TheSecond Great script.  I enjoyed it a lot.

Thanks TheSecond.  You were spot on with the "Greed" comment.  I'm glad you enjoyed the story.  It was a short story that I wrote back in '95.  I figured this would make a good starting point for my first screenplay.

Quoted from LC Lots more to add... re formatting and your plot... if you're about.

I'm about.  Thanks for the read LC.  I'd be grateful for any advice you have.  I've been reading up on formatting and I would do the first phone conversation differently.  I wouldn't use the parentheses on two lines.  

It would read better like this:  (into phone; calmly).

Quoted from crookedowl The only typo I spotted was on page 5, when Jeden says "Clean the blood off the case and lets go." There needs to be an apostrophe before the "s" in "let's."

Thank you crookedowel for reading my script and for finding the typo.  I'm a stickler for proper spelling and grammar.  I feel foolish when simple things like that get past me.

Quoted from Dreamscale Yeah, this is surprisingly pretty good. The writing itself is another story.  So much passive verbiage going on everywhere really takes one out of the read.

Thanks for the compliment Dreamscale.  I'm glad you liked it.  Would you mind pointing out a couple places where the passive verbiage took you out of the read?  I'd like to incorporate the comments from the forum into the new draft.

Thank you also for pointing out that the ending will be polarizing.  That's the one thing I get the most comments on.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal ... too be honest I wasn't going to read this.  Mainly because I don't recognize your name.  But since I decided to hi-jack your thread I did.  You didn't bring anything new to the table with this.  And I would agree, your ending is lackluster.  You could tighten up the writing a bit (we all could) and run spell check. Other then that, it was a solid effort. Ghostie

I'm glad you decided to hi-jack my thread Ghostie.   :)  You're absolutely correct when you say I didn't bring anything new to the table.  My intention was to get my first screenplay out of the way, using a story I was familiar with.  I'm constantly working on tightening up my writing.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer ...a bullet from an unseen assailant with no dialogue didn't do it for me. It didn't measure up to the rest of your effort, IMO. Why not have dialogue, reveal their identity, maybe it's a surprise who's got the gun. You have a lot to learn about format, so did I, when I joined SS. If you put the time into this forum and do peer reviews, you will get much better. Take the first step and review some veterans around here.

Thank you for the read ED.  I was debating changing the ending but since this was a story I had written many years ago, I wanted to stay true to the original and see where it took me.  Some dialogue when John gets shot might be appropriate if there was a twist.  Since I just wanted to ride this one out in a predictable fashion, I didn't deem it necessary.  A lot of stories seem to have a twist at the end, so I guess my twist was not having a twist.

Would you mind pointing out two areas in which I need to work on my formatting?  I'll be sure to read and comment on more scripts here.  I've read Lie Detector but I don't think I've commented on it yet.

Quoted from CindyLKeller It's okay, but I would have liked to have seen some kind of an unexpected twist at the end. Welcome aboard. Cindy

Thanks for welcoming me aboard the S.S. S.S.  I understand what you're saying about wanting an unexpected twist at the end.  One idea I was throwing around was that it was his wife who killed him and she was actually paying the guys at the airport to do it but it got botched up by John.  I wanted to stay true to the original.  I'll be sure to write something new and have a twist at the end.

Hi Jordan,

Just gave this a read. Some notes as I go....

JOHN
(into phone)
(anxiously)
I just landed.
(pause)
Yeah, I think I got it. I'll know by tomorrow night.
(pause)
I know it's in Philidelphia but it's a job.
(pause)
(agitated)
You know we can't do that. We used the last of
our savings for my trip.
(pause)
(angered)
No! I'm not borrowing any more money from your
parents! They already watch the girls for free!
(pause)
(calmly)
Okay. We'll talk about it tonight. I gotta go.
I love...
CLICK. -- Lose the wrylies. Hope for your actors to be able to interpret how to say these lines. This is kind of on the nose. Seems unrealistic he would be telling his wife something she should already know. I would add her into the conversation. Give her some (V.O.) lines from the other end of the telephone. Make the exchange more real to the audience.

I thought this was pretty good. It had a decent level of tension. You could create more by making the audience care for your protag.  Maybe he doesn't get the job. Have his wife yell at him.

Then this money seems like an easy fix, only to find he left his wallet behind. I like the end. Thats the way it should end IMO. Its dark, but realistic.

Keep on writing. And welcome to the boards....

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Lose the wrylies. I thought this was pretty good. It had a decent level of tension. You could create more by making the audience care for your protag.  Maybe he doesn't get the job. Have his wife yell at him.

Thanks for the read James.  You have some very good suggestions.  I will lose the wrylies.  I don't think I'll add the wife's dialogue though because I want the reader to fill in the other half of the conversation.  

I especially like the suggestion about him not getting the job.  If he didn't get the job he would be more desperate and more willing to risk it all for the money.  It would be much more powerful that way.

Much appreciated.

Quoted from Nomad Thank you for the read ED.  I was debating changing the ending but since this was a story I had written many years ago, I wanted to stay true to the original and see where it took me.  Some dialogue when John gets shot might be appropriate if there was a twist.  Since I just wanted to ride this one out in a predictable fashion, I didn't deem it necessary.  A lot of stories seem to have a twist at the end, so I guess my twist was not having a twist. Would you mind pointing out two areas in which I need to work on my formatting?  I'll be sure to read and comment on more scripts here.  I've read Lie Detector but I don't think I've commented on it yet.

Hello Jordan.

The first two things I see on page one are an abundance of unnecessary wrylies.
Way too much detail, only use them when absolutely necessary.
Second, your flight announcer should be a (V.O.) not a (O.S.)
Unless that announcer is in bathroom but not on camera talking flight.
But I doubt they have someone in the bathroom announcing flights.
So, it's a voice over.

Regards,
E.D.

This story should go through a rewrite to cut back on some of the descriptions. Cut back on some of that, tighten the script up a bit, and this has the potential to be a good, little short. The story overall moved along at a decent clip, but it would continuously get bogged down with the excessive description. As stated, I feel this should get a good rewrite, and you might have a nice, tight, little thriller here.

Rob

Thanks for the read Rob.  I'm in the process of rewriting it now.  What are some of the descriptions you think should be tightened up?

hey nomad,

yeah this definitely needs some revising, but there's A LOT of potential here.

you've received a lot of great advice, so im not going to repeat what's already been said. however, im from philadelphia and i'm mildly offended that you spelled my city incorrectly. i kid, i kid. just promise me that you'll stop at geno's for a cheese steak if you're ever in the city.

back to the story. i was intrigued the entire way through. this rarely happens. never once was i bored and i never rolled my eyes. i was a little confused why this whole incident would happen at an airport (if you were smart criminal, then this would be the last place for all of this to go down). but i loved the idea of being in a bathroom stall while someone is getting their brains splattered outside (its embarrassing enough enough when you're taking a poo and someone walks in).

as for the ending. i wasnt a fan. it was disappointing given your great set up. your story was so captivating up until then. this story  deserves a better ending. you're better than this ending.

overall this felt like no country for old men. which is a compliment in and of itself. nice work.

Hey Nomad, if you're brand new to screenwriting -- you can take alot of pride in your natural talent for storytelling. This is a nice little story, and very well paced. The pacing is very impressive, actually.

Do, however, listen to good advice already given. I'm sure you will because of your  responses. Very important to sort out those wrylies. It makes the script look clustered and 'amateur'. And on the first page might actually result in some readers not continuing with the read. Terrible, but true.

Some lines of action I needed to re-read because of sentance structure. Nothing major. Maybe tighten-up as other have already mentioned.

One thing, and I hope this doesn't come across as petty -- I had to read the door kicking scene again because Jeden kicks them inwards, and then John's toilet door bursts outwards. It's not a big deal, but sometimes these things glare out at me. Usually, these doors are a one way deal?

Also -- and with my tongue in my cheek, here's something you could add:

Graffiti. All public toilet cubicles have it. And it should be used in all scripts set in the can.

Also -- glory holes. All public toilet cubicles have them. And they should (...I'll stop now).

Well done and good luck.

:)

EDIT - BTW, I liked the ending, for the record.

Hey Jordan, since you asked, I’ll go over passive verbiage with you here.

First of all, by passive verbiage, we’re talking about using passive verbs (usually with an “is” followed by a verb, ending in “ing”, usually).  In screenwriting, you want to try your best to write in an active mode, vs. a passive mode.  You want your writing to come across actively, not passively.  Active sentences have much more impact than passive ones do, and although the end result (filmed version) wouldn’t be any different, most readers will have problems with passively written scripts, and smell amateur.  Many, like myself, will actually stop reading if it’s too rampant.

Now, in no way am I saying you can’t ever use passive verbiage.  I’m also not saying that every verb ending in “ing” makes the sentence passive.  Once you understand the situation, and read a bunch of scripts, I think it will become quite clear.

Biggest mistake is to jump out of the gate passively, as it’s a big old red flag, warning of what’s to follow throughout the script.

Let’s take a look…

Page 1 – Although this doesn’t pertain to passive writing, IMO, you don’t want to start off with only sounds, as once you FADE IN, there’s going to be something onscreen, and one’s immediate attention shouldn’t be directed to sounds (you have both a V.O. from an intercom, and then the sounds of a plane.

“The sound of a propeller plane FLYING over head.” – Although I wouldn’t classify this as completely passive, as it’s the sound  we’re talking about, it doesn’t help that you included “FLYING” and also decided to CAP it.  IMO, the sentence would read better by just omitting “FLYING” completely.


The next sentence also contains a passive verb “talking”, but again, I wouldn’t completely classify this as passive, since it’s the secondary verb and action.  I’d actually rewrite it like this,

“JOHN, 38, quickly opens the door and pauses, his cell phone to his ear.”

As already mentioned, the wrylies are pretty extreme here.  Instead of (pauses), you should use (beat), IMO, but you can lose many of them, by including his wife’s dialogue “V.O”, and maybe lose some of the lines completely.

“The urinals have been removed…” – is a form of passive writing, actually as well.

GENERAL NOTE – Based on his response about the missing urinals, it sounds like he only has to take a piss, which could be done in the sink, or simply another restroom, or even outside…but if he has to shit, well…

“…and is stopped in his tracks.” – Another form of passive writing.  Better to say, “and stops in his tracks.”

“Gagging…” – Passive, but not the worst kind of passive writing.  Better to say, “He gags, flees…”

Page 2 – “…he’s wearing…” – not necessary.

When you use a Mini Slug “STALL”, there’s no need for a time element.

The series of shots you use here, or action stacking, really doesn’t work, as written, as you start out by saying, “in one quick motion” – it’s 5 motions at least, and writing it this way wastes 3 lines at least.

So again, as I mentioned above, if he only has to piss, why is he sitting down?

Page 4 – “Ket is standing on the seat, looking over the stall with his pistol aimed where Tre was just standing.” – Very passive and poorly written.

“Tre's body is slumped in the corner.” – Passive – could be written better.

I’ve gotta run out, so I can’t continue throughout the entire script, but basically look at all the sentences in which you have “is” followed by a verb.  It doesn’t have to be a verb ending in “ing”.  Try to alter these so that you don’t use “is”.

Page 5 – OK, here’s some great examples – “Jeden is knocked out cold.”  “Ket is on the floor…”   Tre is slumped over…”

Hope this helps and makes sense.

Take care.

Quoted from albinopenguin ...just promise me that you'll stop at geno's for a cheese steak if you're ever in the city. ...i was a little confused why this whole incident would happen at an airport (if you were smart criminal, then this would be the last place for all of this to go down). overall this felt like no country for old men. which is a compliment in and of itself. nice work.

Thanks for the read Albinopenguin.  I apologize sincerely for misspelling Philadelphia.  WordPad doesn't have a spell check and I'm a horrible speeler.

I fly into Philadelphia every time I visit my brother and I will be sure to stop by Geno's and get a Cheese Steak next time.  I'll even say Albinopenguin sent me.

I've gotten a couple of comments about the location, but Jeden chose that location because it IS difficult to get a weapon in there.  The restroom is outside the security area and Tre just got off a plane so he can't have any weapons on him.

Thank you for the compliment.

Quoted from B.C. ...The pacing is very impressive, actually. ...Very important to sort out those wrylies. Some lines of action I needed to re-read because of sentance structure. Nothing major. One thing, and I hope this doesn't come across as petty -- I had to read the door kicking scene again because Jeden kicks them inwards, and then John's toilet door bursts outwards. It's not a big deal, but sometimes these things glare out at me. Usually, these doors are a one way deal? Graffiti. All public toilet cubicles have it. And it should be used in all scripts set in the can.

Thanks for your input Basket Case.  I'm glad the pacing worked for you.  It was something I was trying to convey.

The wrylies are gone.  Still no dialogue from the wife but I haven't ruled it out yet.

I'll have to go through and clean up some of the description because I see what you're talking about.  I want it to flow better.

As far as the doors:  Most restrooms I've been in, have latches on the stall doors that aren't too sturdy.  I've seen some that let the door swing both ways.  A kick to the door or someone throwing themselves at the door would probably win against the latch.

I like your idea for some graffiti.  It's an opportunity for some humor.  "Here I sit all broken hearted..." and whatnot.

Quoted from Dreamscale Hey Jordan, since you asked, I’ll go over passive verbiage with you here... Hope this helps and makes sense. Take care.

Thank you very much for the info Jeff.  I'll be sure to use more active verbiage from now on.

The reason John sits down is to keep his feet out of the water.  I wouldn't want to stand and piss in a toilet while my feet soak in some mystery fluid.  I'll make it more clear in the new draft.

Personally, I'd piss from whatever distance I needed to, to avoid any liquid on the floor, which leads me to recommend that maybe you actually set it up that he needs to shit...something, I'd normally never recommend...but it sure would work for what needs to transpire.

IMO, it's a good script, even the way it is now.  Better than 75% or more of anything you'll find, here or wherever.  Get it on some actual script software and it will look so much better.

You're off to a good start.  Read some scripts, give feedback, and get to know some peeps in here.  It's a great place to learn and also to help others.  Also cool that you'll get to converse with peeps all around the world.  Some great peeps in here...for the most part...   ;D ;D ;D ;D

Welcome aboard!

Quoted from Dreamscale ...IMO, it's a good script, even the way it is now.  Better than 75% or more of anything you'll find, here or wherever.  Get it on some actual script software and it will look so much better.

Thanks for the compliment and advice.  I've been looking at getting Final Draft, but it's not a critical purchase right now.  I'll just have to keep honing my skill the old fashioned way for now.

Celtix is free and many use and like it.  I prefer Movie Magic Screenwriter.

Hey Nomad

I owed you a read and had not noticed this til now.

Some good stuff here. If it's your first work, very good stuff. Some problems too. Let's get to them:

The Gasp

When I watch a movie, and this stuff happens, it drives me freaking crazy. Even a sneeze is bad. I mean, your life is on the line, you can't stifle a sneeze? In this case, it's a gasp, which is even easier to contain than a sneeze. So maybe the guy could be leaning against the toilet and the cover shifts instead. Or his phone beeps.

The fetal position

What? The guy busts out of the stall to save his own life, then ends up on the floor in the fetal position...while the other guy is knocked out? I can't picture this. But keep this in mind: you don't need it. The bad guy falls and hits his head, and John finds the money. When in doubt about something in a story, check to see if it's really needed. In this case, it's not at all, so, I advise no fetal drop.

Those problems are easily fixed. The rest of the story is solidly delivered and creates some tension. It brings up some interesting things to consider, especially with the tragic ending, and also in considering shorts vs features. Let's start with the protag, John. We know he's a family guy, and we know he needs money real bad.  Does this bond us to him enough? If this were a feature, no. The requirement for a short, however, would be different. However, if you're going to be weak in one area, you'll have to make up for it in another.

Let's look at the tragic ending. I'm actually kind of a fan of tragic endings. One thing I want to see, though, in a tragic ending, is that something extra. Maybe we have a real moral to the story. Or maybe there is a shocking twist. Or maybe an unforgettable final image. Did this story succeed in any of these?

It tried, I think. The moral? Don't steal from gangsters? Don't steal and then forget your wallet? Don't wear flip flops in a public bathroom? I think you're working to a moral, I'm just not sure we have one with lasting impact in this case, perhaps because we really don't know anything about the protag, or how he originally got in debt.

No twist. The bad guy found his wallet, tracked him down, and killed him. That's what bad guys generally do.

That leaves us with the lasting image. And though you had the right idea, it didn't work. I mean the blood trickling into the broken photo with the phone ringing is a really nice touch. It indicates talent for understanding film. But with a weak moral, no twist, and a protag that we don't know, this image is robbed of its power. It really comes off as no different that having a story about a driveby shooting of someone we don't know.

One last thing. Had your protag been really active, taking tough and courageous steps to survive, it wouldn't matter that we don't know him. This would have bonded us to him, and when he died at the end it would have felt really tragic.

Solid work, though, my friend. Getting stories right is tough, you seem to have the ability. Good luck!  

Quoted from leitskev ...The Gasp When I watch a movie, and this stuff happens, it drives me freaking crazy. ...The fetal position What? The guy busts out of the stall to save his own life, then ends up on the floor in the fetal position...while the other guy is knocked out? ...Let's start with the protag, John. We know he's a family guy, and we know he needs money real bad.  Does this bond us to him enough? ...The moral? Don't steal from gangsters? Don't steal and then forget your wallet? Don't wear flip flops in a public bathroom? ...No twist. The bad guy found his wallet, tracked him down, and killed him. That's what bad guys generally do. Solid work, though, my friend. Getting stories right is tough, you seem to have the ability. Good luck!

Thanks for the read leitskev.  

I agree with you on the gasp.  I think I'm going to change it to some coins in his pocket jingling or maybe something falls from his pocket and causes ripples in the water.

As far as the fetal position:  John knew he had to do something to keep from being shot but once his fight instinct took over, it immediately went away.  John isn't a fighter.  He's a normal guy who's scared.  John didn't know Jeden was knocked out.

As far as the reader bonding to John:  I figure there are a lot of people who are out of work right now who could identify with him.

The moral?  Had John not gotten greedy, he would still be alive.

I'm not a fan of a twist simply for the sake of there being a twist.

Thanks for the compliment.

Hey Nomad

Loose change would be better. Or a cell phone beep.

I realize he doesn't know Jeden(great name) is knocked out. I just can't picture even the biggest coward dropping to the fetal position. I've never seen that in a movie, or in real life. I just can't picture it, but get some other opinion on that.

People identify with John being out of work, but I don't think that's enough to really bond our interest in what happens to him. Especially since he is a passive, weak character. People don't like characters like that in film.

I figred you would mention greed as the moral. But was he greedy? I mean, he needed the cash. It wasn't so much greed as need that drove him. So he took money from murderous drug dealers. I'm not sure anyone would come away feeling the danger of greed. They might feel the danger of not minding your own business, or getting involved with criminals.

I agree with you on the twist. But twists are also big. They can leave a lasting impression. My personal theory of shorts is that your goal is to leave one lasting impression. Either of an image, an emotion, or an idea. Like I said, you have the idea right, by having the blood stained photo and the phone ringing. Powerful stuff! I think it was just sapped of its power by the weakness of the protag.

Hey, it's easier for us to knock others stuff than it is to write our own! You've got evidence here of talent, IMO. Maybe one of my comments will influence your next short. I will try to watch for it. Best of luck.