Sweet Justice - OWC - Print Topic

Well, let's just say, "this ain't my cup of tea", but it's humorous for those who find this kind of thing funny, and pretty well written, for the most part.

It's a 1 trick pony and I was expecting...and hoping for some kind of twist of any kind. Or at least that Larry would be brutally killed, hung, tarred and feathered, cut into thousands of pieces, eaten by zombies...something, anything, but no, plays out with absolutely no surprises.

Maybe ran out of time?

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

Well, everyone around here loves to complain about things that look "familiar". You have to admit this was a different kind of 'gunslinger'. I think it was humorous and done in a way that no one will take offense, but I'll check back to see if that's the case.

this wad pretty funny, it was filled with cliche's and stereotypes but i have a feeling that was the writers intention. it does get old pretty fast in only six pages. still, good work on the OWC.

Not bad, not bad.

This should have been called The Legend of Limpwrist Larry. As much as this is a spoof on westerns and gays, I did like Larry’s dialogue. This was funny in a light hearted way.

We never felt any danger from the burly outlaw. I liked the way you almost had us believing the outlaw was gay too with his comment about lavender.

Watched Friends With Benefits last night and found myself channelling Woody Harrelson's delivery for Larry. Ri-dick-colous! You absolutely nailed the opening description and Larry's first line "Dee-lish". Perfectly captured the mood and set the tone for your script. It just goes to show that it only takes small things to contextualise your world and create suspension of disbelief.

Amusing script that felt like a riff from a writer enjoying writing.

Very funny. I think it would be difficult to set this in a saloon but I can definitely wrong. Other than that, I liked it.

Gabe

I do have to add one thing here: though I enjoyed the script, I can't vote for it.

At 5 1/2 pages, this is pretty far short of the OWC requirement of 8 to 12, with the rough target being 10 pages. Not enough happens in it, though what happens is about right for the page length. Excellent work, though! Could definitely make an SNL skit, or a short film, easily.

“Bangy-bang” is the show in a trifecta of of cheesetastic lines.
This one fits the OWC rules, keeping it all in one room.
This is a one joke piece, but the joke works.
Twists and genre redefinition is not required to write a script.
Especially, one for an OWC, just tell a decent tale, and you have.
Scanlon’s reveal is cute, but the ending could use some sass.

Regards,
E.D.

really loved the idea behind this one. however i felt like it needed a bit more "umph" behind it (and i didnt mean that in a gay way).

the writing was excellent and the dialogue was accurate. the concept was awesome, but as previously mentioned, you don't do very much with it. and unfortunately that's not enough. i wish you did something with kryder at the end rather than just a shootout (perhaps kryder and larry know each other somehow prior to meeting at the bar?).

this one gets an A for originality but a C for execution. therefore, I'm giving this a solid B. would love to see this made into a longer production. lots of potential here.

Quoted from leitskev

I do have to add one thing here: though I enjoyed the script, I can't vote for it.

At 5 1/2 pages, this is pretty far short of the OWC requirement of 8 to 12, with the rough target being 10 pages.

"You must write a script (properly formatted) between 6 and 12 pages (courier 12 point font)."

and nowhere does it say 10 pages should be the target. Not picking on you there, just would hate for a good script not to get voted on due to misinterpretation of the OWC requirements. :)

Well, 5.5 is not 6. I like this script, it just feels short to me. Not enough happened. But I don't want to be in a position of seeming to be against it. It made me laugh, I liked it. I just don't think it was quite enough.

I liked this one. The story itself offered nothing new other than the gayness, but I thought that was done well. Stereotype of course, but done well. It showed character instead of just saying "this character is 30 years old with shoulder length brown hair and a stubble". This script "showed" us the character through dialogue and action. One of the more enjoyable scripts.

Good work.

This one was okay, a switch from the seriousness of most of the other scripts. It did feel very rushed though and I agree with several of the above comments that the Kryder character and the ending could have been expanded.

As far as length, it made it to page number 6, which fulfills the requirement of the challenge. Although, there was plenty of room to create a deeper story. Then again, this was such a light piece I just don't think it was meant for much deep thought and scrutiny. A pretty good job for an OWC.

This was good. Well written and funny to boot. I think the writer did good by keeping it short. I think this joke would've gone a bit stale had it continued on much more.

I thought "Rubdown City" could've been a bit better. Other then that, I quite enjoyed it.

Good job completing the OWC...

James

Pretty sure that this was written by a straight person because no gay person would use the term limp wrist even though they might indeed show it.

The concept was cute but I thought it could have been taken even further, but then again you know me and this was tame in comparison to what I'd do to those cowboys.

It didn't really have much of a story.

There were a few lines I found amusing like

KRYDER
What is that smell?

LARRY
Lavender. Like it?

Overall I didn't think this was outrageous enough to merit the stereotypes and it lacked story - but it was somewhat amusing and it was a good weeks work for the OWC.

This was very funny and the dialogue, especially the cowboy talk, was spot on. The stereotype in the wrong genre is a nice angle and every line Larry said made me at least chuckle. Very well done.
Daz

Okay! We get it! You're gay!

It's ironic that this western script was such a one-trick-pony. You started off with a flaming character and the whole script was about this flaming character. I got tired of it pretty quickly.

Phil

This script has a colorful light tone. The thing is:

Does it poke fun and use an overdone stereo-type? Perhaps. And I don't
know what to say about that, but everyone is stereotyped somehow anyways.
It makes me think that this same idea in the saloon could be carried
out in so many different ways using other models. I'll keep it in mind
in the future.

This one is served up light and neat.

Sandra

An entertaining enjoyable read, great atmosphere and tone.
Fun, but essentially just a shoot up in a bar, albeit a gay one.

Leon

Hummm...

I believe this writer took a similar line from this script and injected it into their comment on another script, so I think I know who did this.

I liked your descriptions. They were clear and visual and I felt like I was back in the old west.

As for the story, I think it needs more.

Good for a OWC

Congrats.

Cindy

Alright!  The last of 'em for me.  I can only hope it's nothing but goofy gay jokes.

As I go:

Page 1:  "Ramrod Saloon"  See, this is exactly what I was hoping for! :)

Page 2:  This is f***ing hilarious.

Thoughts:

Haha!  What a great way to finish off the OWC.  Very amusing.

Missing: a complication.  Larry should have been faced by something new, something different, something he couldn't take care of.  We get pretty quickly that he's the best of the best -- we don't need to be shown, we just assume it of our cowboy heroes, really.  Woulda liked to see him square off against someone that'd give him a bit of trouble.

That said -- quick, breezy, funny.  Very funny.  No punch, though, unless Larry gets himself into some trouble.  The higher the stakes, the funnier the wisecracks for the devil-may-care type.  Also, of course, this is where Larry gets to be...not a stereotype.  Which wouldn't be bad.

Thanks for the great read!

I thought this was funny but not ha-ha funny. The humor was more in the stereotypes than the situation and IMO the stereotypes were kind of subtle at that. It was a good take on the theme but I would have liked more. The conflict is there; these gruff cowboys don't like this dude's gayness so there's a showdown. But it just came off as very routine and anticlimactic. I guess it's because I already knew how it would end with Larry being the victor.

So it was okay. Good job for a week.

Greg

This got a couple of genuine laughs out of me. As others have said: It's a bit of a one-trick-pony, and is more of a scene rather than a story, but it was very well written and I enjoyed reading it.

The author clearly had fun writing this, and it shows.

I really liked this. I agree with most of the other posts that it could do with there being a little more to it though. I would have liked to see Larry make Scanlon do the whole classic dance while he shoots at his feet, but with a line 'dance like a lady', or something similar but better. But that's just me, simple things and all that.

I liked Larry from his opening 'dee-lish' line, but I think it could have done with an exclamation mark to reach its full potential.

My only real niggle was the parenthetical...

LARRY
(to Max)
Why's it so quiet in here today, Max?

He says his name in the dialogue so it's not needed.

All in all a good, easy read. Good effort.

Arty.

I think maybe there should be a curveball where the hired gunman finds common ground with Larry, they share a drink, pissing everyone off. And then it goes bad for some silly reason, like the guy insults Larry's taste, and the shootout happens.

This is well written but bone-crunchingly clever. There's wit and skill in evidence, wit and skill are, of course, great things.

I liked it:) I thought some of the dialogue had a bit too muh telling, but overall you did a good job in painting a clear visual image.

Good job:)

I want to mention something that might be very important because if I ignore it for too long, I'll likely forget it as I get
washed in the tides of the moments.

The comment is regarding the title:
Sweet Justice

I must admit that I re-searched your title far too many times. I kept losing the
story vs. the title. What happened is that I felt like I had a severe memory disorder, (which I probably do anyways) but this script title exacerbated the problem.So...

Sweet Justice sounds very serious to me and it doesn't suit the flavor of this work.

I remember now "Limpwrist Lary" and other namesakes that might be appropriate, but yes...

You need to change the title to reflect the comedic tone.

There are certain scripts that remain true to themselves and reach down deep to their title. Many in this batch did just that. An example off the top:

Exposed.

But like I said, there were many good title choices. As I said,

Sweet Justice is one script that really needs a name change.

If a person can't identify the script with its name, then we have an issue.

Your script is solid, but we need to figure out a better name.

Sandra

Thanks for all the reads and comments. To be perfectly honest, this one was a pisser but I'm glad most people found it light and somewhat humorous. I had a feeling a lot of the scripts would be pretty heavy material, so I threw this one in the mix to lighten things up. I definitely could have thrown some more twists in there, but I had that deadline looming.

Good owc. Look forward to October.

Okay read it.

Well writen as far as I can see.

Story was a typical gunslinger one, but with a gay twist. It made for some comedic moments. Its original I'll give it that, I havent seen to many gay westerns of late lol.

Good job on getting it done.