Forever Thine by Sydney Cuthbert - Short, Gothic Horror - A sickly young woman is haunted by a ghost in an old victorian mansion. What does the grim spectre portend for her and her husband? 6 pages, 4 characters, unrated - pdf, format 8)

This is a tight, simple story and it works for me. I think it fits this OWC quite well.

On the second page, I really thought the author was going for gothic soft-core porn with a character named Roderick Hungtington. That's right, Rod Hungtington. But no.

I enjoyed it, my grade: B

The bolding gets very irritating.  The writing itself is tough to follow.  1 page in and I'm out.

Congrats on completing an entry for the October OWC.

IGNORE EARLIER REVIEW....seemed to be from a different script....

On point in terms of atmosphere and theme....

Very apt title.


Couldn't follow the logic of the story. Why did he need the ghost to kill her? Maybe it's me.

The ending was very nice though.

Good job.  

Really nice.  And really gothic.

Whoever the writer turns out to be - this one's a gem.  

Well written, nice twist at the end that I didn't see coming.  And nice turns of phrase in the telling (His words are concerned, his eyes aren't is a stand-out.)

Kudos - so far, this one's on my short-list for the top five, maybe much higher.....  :)

I owe the writer an apology. The review I posted above was meant for a different script. I have not actually read this one yet, it turns out. I will rectify shortly.

Ok, the review:

It was a dark and stormy night...really?

The rest of the story is pretty well enough written, but I'm not sure I understand. The ghost has been tricked by Roderick, who convinces her that if she scares his wife to death, the ghost herself will be freed from being stuck here haunting this castle? Yet the wife is dying anyway. The doctor said it was only a matter of time. Unless Roderick has been poisoning his wife, in which case there is no need for a ghost deal. And the wife knows she's dying too, she says so to the ghost. Color me confused.

I'll email Janet, maybe she can explain things to me. She has to explain things alot to me.

If the actions of the ghost and Roderick make sense, then the twist at the end will be very nice and effective. Let me get back.

I do have some technical nitpicks, mainly about the bolding and not breaking up long action elements. But I will skip those because I really enjoyed it.

I found the story very easy to follow and the twist at the end wasn't really a twist since the elements for the conclusion were laid out pretty clearly from the beginning.  But it didn't matter, because the execution really worked quite nicely despite occasional clumsiness in description and dialogue. The voices of the characters were well established which is a great achievement with such a low page count.

My favourite so far.

Roderick may be the only one who drinks more then me. Then again, thats a mythical character. He seriously downs like 6 shots of Brandy in 6 pages.

Confused as well. Dunno what's more annoying, the overuse of the bold writing or the overuse of the word "regard". I didn't feel this fit the parameters at all. The atmosphere was there, but didn't see how the ghost wasn't bad, just misunderstood. There is a solid twist in here, just lack of motivation IMO. I didn't feel the love between Roderick and his wife. Or the hatred. They just were. For her to set him up to die, I wanted something more. Thought you could've used those extra pages allowed to work with that. Definitely not bad, I'm just hard on you because I think you missed what this challenge was about. Maybe, after a response, I'll change my tune. Good job completing an OWC.

James

I am not a big fan of those who are into the bold face headers. I guess I should be thanful it's not blue (seen those on occasion) ...I know some pros like to do them, names will be dropped (so- and so does it) but I couldn't care less. It can get out of hand.

Does RUMBLE and THUNDER need to be IN CAPS AND BOLDED?
You could make a case for only caps with RUMBLE, although capping sounds isn't needed anymore - but there's nothing overtly wrong with it as long as the script doesn't look like a wanted poster. Likewise, BOLDING CHARACTERS IN CAPS  ON INTRODUCTION. Capping them on into is fine. There's no need to bold them. I was also confused at first if the DOCTOR was RODERICK. I had to look again to be sure. Doctor what? Doctor Who? I'm no fan of characters named in character slugs and narrative - known only by profession.

Not bad for the OWC.
Didn't like it too much though due to the boldness and The Doctor.

Quoted from Pii I found the story very easy to follow and the twist at the end wasn't really a twist since the elements for the conclusion were laid out pretty clearly from the beginning.- Henrik

Maybe you can explain, Henrik, since I can't figure this. Why is he trying to have the ghost scare his wife to death when she is dying and according to the doctor "only has a matter of time"?  And why would the ghost scare her to death, since she has already seen the ghost? And when she first saw the ghost, she mentioned something like "it's not my time yet".

See what I'm saying? Maybe I'm missing it. If she is dying, why not just wait for her to die? Was the point just that she is frail, so I fright will push her over the edge?

Sometimes, after a story has time to set in, it makes more sense to me, or grows more powerful. Sometimes it's the opposite. The idea of a deal with a ghost to scare a wife to death seems something more ripe for comedy. Picture the frustrated ghost trying to conjure up scary stuff for the poor woman.

I guess the earlier meeting with the ghost is evidence of the ghost already conspiring with the wife to kill the husband. I don't recall. But the sticking point remains that the wife was dying anyway, why would the husband bother making a deal with the ghost?

There was some nice thought put into this story. I would certainly read a second version of it if the writer puts one together.

Hello Gordon,

First para what's a wan young woman - always good to learn.
The bold stuff did go too far.
P3 roderick under a chandlier- couldn't see the point of this statement, maybe it needed more. I wouldn't normally comment but it did slightly show how the reading was sometimes a bit confusing.
Why his speech in coma's on p3

To me this has potential but needs a bit of work.

All the best.

EDIT I read this again in case I had been unfair. Some OWC reviews are rushed.  I stand by my first comments but the quality of writing was more apparent second time. Well done.

Good atmosphere, even a dark and stormy night to boot.
This one’s nailed the tone the best of them so far.
Intrigue. Spurned romance. Deception. Twisted Love. Yummy.
Gothic is super hard IMO to achieve with a short. Kudos.
Classic twist, strong and clear character dynamics.
One heck of misunderstood ghost too.
This one’s my favorite by a pretty wide margin.
Thanks for sharing your script with the OWC.

Regards,
E.D.

First of all, congrats on getting an OWC out in time.

I actually found it slow and difficult to read and yes the bold didn`t help, it`s not used a lot anymore. I thought I was reading a novel more than a script.
For 6 pages, you did have nice little twist.
overall  6/10

Mark

Quoted from leitskev But the sticking point remains that the wife was dying anyway, why would the husband bother making a deal with the ghost?

That's it - I'm defending this one (while agreeing with Kevin that this is an illogical loop hole in the story.)  

Easily fixed, however.  The writer need only have the doctor state that she is "gravely ill, but will recover.  And long she's allowed her rest, and kept away from any excitement that would heat her blood"...  (Or other such similar ye old doctor-isms....)

In that case, Rodrick *would* need the ghost to scare her to death.  Poisoning could be traced back to him - a dangerous proposition.  Especially since he'd be the number one suspect if foul murder were suspected...

This one's by far my favorite of the OWC.  And at this point, I've read 'em all...

But she has already seen the ghost and it doesn't scare her...or is that the point? the ghost is already conspiring with the wife?

I just think the premise is more ripe for humor. The idea of tricking a ghost  to scare one's wife...seems perfect for a skit.

The writing was fine, and the end is a strong final image. I guess I just can't buy the premise as serious. But that's how premises go; not everyone's gonna buy in.

This really could be a winning comedy premise though! Something to think about for after the challenge. I don't see a lot of comedy shorts, that could be a story with legs. Just an idea.

Everything seems ornate. Ornate chandelier. Ornate hall. It’s kind of like describing something as nondescript. It’s just so generic. I think it’s okay to use it but twice? Two paragraphs in a row?

A ghost wavers between this world and the next? What does that look like on screen? Are you trying to say it’s translucent?

By the time you describe the insincerity of Roderick’s words, it’s too far past when he said them. You’re even speaking past tense by then. That paragraph needs to be rewritten.

Non-committal sound? There are quite a few awkward descriptions like that.

Wouldn’t the doctor know whether or not the visions could be caused by the medicine?

Roderick’s plan really doesn’t make any sense. If she’s dying, he would have inherited the money anyway. If she isn’t, he could have poisoned her. If he bargained with the ghost because he was worried about getting caught, then he must have expected a ghost wasn’t simply going to take being double-crossed. How the heck did he plan to defend himself against a ghost after betraying her? Either way you go, his plan isn’t fully thought out.

Aside from that, it has a nice tone to it. If you just accept it for what it is and go with it, it’s a nice little ghost story. Needs work but it’s on its way.

Good luck.


Breanne

First thing I notice is that your margins are way tiny.  

Next thing I notice is that while your descriptions I find very poetic, they're unnecessary and I'd imagine if this was a feature they would get pretty annoying.  "A ghost wavers between this world and the next" can be interpreted a lot of different ways.  It's just kind of filler IMO.

Onto the story...I didn't really get it.  He's trying to scare his wife to death so he can inherit the money?  Wouldn't he inherit it anyway?

Kinda confused on that part but this overall was alright.  Nice job.

Greg

Okay read it.

Nice writing style, no spelling mistakes that I seen.

The story was enjoyable and captured a good gothic feel to me. Night Galeryish is what I like and I think this has a bit of that in it.

Good job on getting it done!

This is probably my favorite one so far.  It certainly had the gothic theme going for it.  The characters were well-developed and the story had a nice twist at the end.

If I were to nitpick at this, I would suggest giving the doctor a name.  And, maybe, get rid of the bold font.  It's not needed.


Phil

This is a genuinely creepy story, and I think most of that is because Roderick is such a cold, petty, selfish character -- a very impressive creation!

I liked this one. I feel it was written very well and tight. Just some of the wordings left me a little confused.

I was pleased to see Roderick getting what he deserved. Didn't see that twist coming.

Don't have much to add since I think it works the way it is. Maybe simplify the writing a little so dummies like me can follow a little easier.

Great work. My #2 favorite so far.  :)

One nitpick, I didn't like the title. I would have preferred yours over thine.

I can tell the writer has a firm grasp of screenwriting, but this one didn't do it for me.  It played out like like a scene from a soap opera, IMO.  Complete with sardonic rich guy sipping a snifter of brandy as he stares out a window.  Although, the setting, characters and storyline were certainly Gothic.

I've mentioned this before in another review, but talkative ghosts get boring and non-frightening very quickly.  When a human has a casual convo with a floating, etheral spectre, the "horror" part of Gothic horror goes out the window.  

This was one gullible ghost.  Roderick is able to trick her into scaring Cecilia to death by promising her spiritual freedom from his book of "unbinding."  Sucker.  Turns out to be a diary.   Maybe the ghost should have asked for a quick look at that book first before she struck a deal with a snake like Roderick.

"Ghost's in the doorway. Scary. She raises an arm."  I don't know, just writing the word "scary" seems kind of lacking there.  Especially in this genre.  

"Ghost blazes a moment."  Again, not a great word selection, IMO.

There were some nice turns of phrases in this and it was a quick read that certainly flowed well.  But there were too many elements of the premise that I just couldn't buy into.

A lot of potential, the bold thing has to go - stop it, stop it now!
A cool story and some nice touches and then some odd flourishes that weren't needed. There are some serious plot holes discussed above which I also picked up on. Having said that, the premise is storng enough that a few tweeks here and there would make it quite solid.

Quoted from jwent6688 Roderick may be the only one who drinks more then me. Then again, thats a mythical character. He seriously downs like 6 shots of Brandy in 6 pages. James

Tee-hee. I noticed it, but I loved it. I could see it happening. I think he's stressed, obviously. Problem with his conscience...

Anyways, this story mostly worked quite very well for me. One thing, I would lose all of the bolding. Some doesn't bother me as long as we don't go hog wild on it.

I think this ghost should have a name.  ;D She does, right? Lenora? Make that clear and known up front. When he talks with her, make it more intimate.

Sandra

OK, I did read this twice to try and get a handle on what happened and I think that Roderick wanted to kill off Cecilia to gain her money and the ghost was used to make her go off the scale ( scare her to insanity and then suicide/death) but the ghost turned the tables, brainwashed Cecilia and she poisoned Roderick so they would be together forever...

I think this is alright. I didn't like the lack of description of the ghost and the wavering between worlds line. No idea how to visualize that one. A few SOUNDS were heard but I have no idea what they sound like.
Writing was very good for the most part, some of it seemed added after fact, but the dialogue was fine as was the atmosphere.

It's decent, I just struggled a bit with it.

This one had very novel-like writing throughout.  It was pretty good on the pretenses of it being a short story, but as a screenplay, although highly doable, it just falls a bit short.  

I questioned more than I didn't is what I'm trying to get at.  I didn't care for the bold scene headings and certain words and or phrases...  I love the ellipse,  I do.  I use it all the time because I feel it makes saying things more true to life.  I'm not going to fault you on your use of it here, but given my experience the last 6 months I've been told more than once it's never good to over use it in a script for anything other than dialogue and only to replace the offensive looking (BEAT).  

The hook of the story isn't bad really.  It's like when they tricked Beatlejuice into helping them get what they wanted... only here it doesn't work as well or in the same way.

I feel the setting was right and most of the events were done to the best of the writers ability given the time frame, but it just had one too many hang ups to fully fall into its favor.  I still believe I suggested this one, though, because I read it like 3 days ago and still cared enough to do a review of it for you.

It's got a good vibe and the story has potential, but I'm at a loss as to why he needed the ghost to kill her. Couldn't he have just given her too much of the powder and be done with it, less having to deal with the ghost?

I think this has potential, but you'll want to work on the motivations and give your ghost some other reasons to need to be the one to kill her. Not sure how you could work that, but I'm sure you could:)

Good job.

Oh, who's screenplay did I read six or seven months ago that had everything bolded?  I think I remember, but I won't mention any names right now.

I can't say I was too much of a fan of this one.  I think the story lost its legs somewhere.  The logistics of it wasn't adding up for me along the way and I just got kind of lulled.

As a fellow Bold Slugger, I applaud your boldness on the bolding of the slugs.  Bolding the sound effects and most nouns, however, was way way too much.  Although, I must admit, I believe the last time I read something of yours, you had even bolded all the characters' names in their dialogue.  So, you're making progress, you just have to scale the bolding back a little more.  However, if you do write for yourself to direct, (if I think it's who I think it is, they do direct themselves, I believe), than I won't fault you there.  Do it whatever way you like best.

Solid script, a complete story in six pages. Excellent job!

I'm fine with the whole dark-and-stormy-night opening if the story delivers, and this one does. The tone is perfect, the pace is spot-on, and if I didn't know the theme I would have been surprised by the ending. The characters are surprisingly complex for so short a piece.

This one makes it into my top three.