A Question of Wealth by Simon (SiColl007) - Short -  A girl is forced to question her relationship with her wealthy suitor. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Simon, help me out man...  What the hell is going on here?!  I tried hard to follow the storyline and what not - read through the script twice - and still nothing?  

Just a couple of talking heads?  

ps, there's a typo in the logline...  shame, shame!  

Okay - I see the typo - had to read it twice as well. Shame indeed. [fixed, bert]

I didn't think everyone would like it, so I'm braced for a kickin'.

It's just about motivation and relationships. If you have money you go with beautiful girls. So if you don't have money you go with ordinary ones 'cause you don't have money. Or you could go with ordinary ones 'cause you like them, whether you have money or not. So it's a get rich and stick to your principles type of script. Glad it makes sense now.

Pg. 1 - got together with a couple of guy(s)
- He almost "winches".  A winch is a vice/clamp.  Do you mean winces? To say he almost winces is weird.  Either he does or he doesn't.
- Robert has choppy dialog twice on this page that doesn't really make sense.  Tammy asks him "Does it feel weird" and he says, "Does it..."  That's an odd response.  And then he goes to answer and says "Feels. . ."  is she interrupting him?  Even if she is it doesn't flow well.

As I read further I realized that most of the dialog was like that.  Everyone finished each other's sentences throughout.  I think you went over board with that. It really came across very choppy.

I get what you were trying to do here but I think it needs some depth. I do like the idea though.  But I'm not sure what his last bit of dialog meant when he said he had to ask her a question.  

Keep working on it.  It definitely has potential.

Hey Simon,

No fade in.

"a couple of guy" should be guys.

"Winches" Winces i think you mean.

"Robert sit on a bench" sits

I really don't know what to say, I think this could have been played in just one scene but to be honest, like The Second, I don't understand what has just happened? Why did they keep interrupting one another?

Good luck and keep writing.

Happy new year.

Steve.

Hi Steve & Marni - thanks for the read - appreciated.

You've both pointed out mistakes that I didn't notice - ta.

As for the dialogue - well they are dealing with tricky issues, and people often begin sentences not knowing exactly where they are going. I tried to keep it light, and with the number of scene changes, the dialogue carries over the scene change - so that on pages 5, Annie's question on the numbers is a direct continuation of the conversation Tammy has with Robert in the restaurant.

I'll have to have a look to see if this is coming across clearly enough - might be a little too obscure..?

This has a cute premise and I can see where you're going with it...but the end just fell short for me. I think the dialogue on pages 4 and 5 seemed to drag on, even though it was short chunks. I think the interrupting before the other could finish was overused in this script. This could be a playful, really cute script if it was hashed out differently. The ending needs to answer more questions IMO. Great idea though.
If you rewrite it, I'll be glad to take another look.

Three typos I found..may've been listed already:

pg 1  'Guy' should be guys...."So... I got together with a couple of guy..."

pg 1  He almost winches. ....should be winces I think.

pg 8 Robert sit on a bench, legs akimbo....should be Robert sits...

Quoted from Pale Yellow I think the interrupting before the other could finish was overused in this script.

Thanks for the read - (and thanks Bert for the fix.)

You make a good point here - hadn't really considered that - it was just the style that I used - maybe could do with balancing out with a more regular method.

The ending I felt was a weak area; had a couple of ideas,  but couldn't really come up with anything especially strong. I liked the idea of it ending in a question, and hanging, but not sure if the end used really pulled it off.

Thanks for the feedback, anyway.

Hello Simon,

I see you making an effort on the review boards here, so thought I'd give a read.
Anyone that actively participates around here deserves that.

I see many of the typos have already been pointed out.
But the superfluous staccato action descriptions trip up the read too.

P. 2 "Annie stops working." Then, "Annie stocks more shelves."
      Why choke your scene with minutia that doesn't add up?
      Just say something like...
      The women stock shelves as they talk.
      And be done with it, then let your dialogue flow.
      Of course, break up the dialogue chains with needed action, if desired.
      But chopping up lines with random work tasks hampered my read.

P. 4 The coy snippets of dialogue are grating on me.
       Doing it in key moments when you're letting emotions do the talking is great.
       But the near steady stream of fragments puts me at arms length here.

This reads so esoteric to me, that I feel like I'm looking through a dingy window.
Struggling to see what the author wants me to, but I don't get the message.
No one seems to be saying anything that is a finite answer to a moral issue.
Instead we're getting the domestic moments in between those points.

As to ending with an open question.
It's kind of fitting, in that the script left me with a lot of those.
If this couple knew each other well, this wouldn't take eight pages to unfold.

In fact, it could be quite funny if your female protag tried to secretly test him.
She'd make herself appear uber poor to gauge his reactions.
Because she's so sure there's no way this rich guy would adore her.

As written, the whole thing feels like a long ellipses.
I'm sure this plays out quite well in your head.
But try to find a way to get that on the page better.
This all feels very "performance dependent" based on your telegraphed descriptions.
You've plotted out a ton of minute gestures and it strangles the story.

Hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting.

Regards,
E.D.

Hi Simon,

A pleasure in returning the read. I won't repeat the format/words issues - every script has some, especially mine.

The main questions to me are;

1) how to use subtle dialogue to extract a deeper sense on meaning the question of the affect of wealth on life/relationships/honesty/jealously of others. A decent foundation. I think you have already recognised it went to far. Like others I actually got lost in some of the exchanges, but I would imagine it wouldn't take much to fix this.

2) underlying plot/story - to me this had the potential for an Officer and a Gentlemen style. One disbelieves, one doesn't. One, Annie in this case, could be harsher, less believing promoting this as caring but actually with an underlying jealously based on "why her and not me". The moral being, be yourself no mater what, and how do friends balance genuine care with their own wishes?? etc

Anyway a few thoughts for you.

Regards

Hey Simon,

I think you might just get my prize for most awkward dialogue I've read in a script this year. Not worst, mind you. Just awkward.

Still, it's extremely problematic. The pacing is so brisk, you could hardly say the characters are having conversations. It's more like they're just spouting words and phrases at each other that may or may not have any connection.

This is namely because your characters are constantly interrupting each other and, as a result, speaking in incomplete sentences. Sometimes characters only give one word responses, occasionally one after the other. Sometimes characters don't even give appropriate responses. They may not answer a question or respond to an answer to a question they've asked in a way that makes sense.

All of it results in speedy, almost sing-songy exchanges. It reminded me a lot of a conversation in Alice in Wonderland actually.

Cheshire Cat: If you really want to know, he went that way?

Alice: Who did?

Cheshire Cat: The White Rabbit.

Alice: He did?

Cheshire Cat: Did what?

Alice: Went that way.

Cheshire Cat: Who did.

Alice: The White Rabbit.

Cheshire Cat: What rabbit?

Alice groans.

Cheshire Cat: Can you stand on your head?

...

Somehow, I don't think this is what you want. So my recommendation would be to do the opposite of everything I mentioned above. Complete sentences, dude! And damn it, your characters gotta be more tuned in. Have them respond to each other and not be so ADD.

That's not to say your script made no sense (although I did have to read it twice, which is not good). I can see the theme you're after here. I'd say there was an arc too but you totally dropped the ball at the end. The ending's totally open-ended but I don't think you've provided enough for anyone to speculate what might happen in a way that fits into the story.

In any case, the "story" is flat out dull, to the point where the locations didn't even register for me. There is no significant action going on anywhere in the script. All the focus is on the dialogue and even if the dialogue made more sense, it still wouldn't be that interesting.

Sorry man, but as breezy as this was, I found it extremely listless. Your theme is fine. Do something interesting with it. Honestly, I'd scrap this and come up with something new based on the same idea. Because really, there's so little going on that if you actually fixed up the dialogue and injected some sufficient action into the script, it'd probably take the same effort as writing a brand new one.

Hi E.D. - thanks for the read. Some points:
the superfluous staccato action descriptions - did you mean the dialogue? I'm fairly happy with the descriptions, but I am listening to what people are saying re. the dialogue.

chopping up lines with random work tasks - I tried to use these as punctuations - the stopping work and starting work, I think, does carry a message (directing nervous energy), but this can easily be written out.

No one seems to be saying anything that is a finite answer to a moral issue.
Instead we're getting the domestic moments in between those points. So you did see what I was doing to a degree - I don't think there are finite answers.

Reef Dreamer - Yes, I think you have a good point re. Annie being harsher - her jealousy is referred to later, but I can see it doing no harm to have it portrayed more sharply/aggressively.

Hi James - suffice to say, you didn't like it. It was dialogue based, not action based. There is something going on in the script - just depends on how you like stuff. I don't mind being compared to Lewis Carroll, though I'm sure it wasn't meant as a compliment...

I'm going to leave this script and come back to it in a month or so and read it with a fresh head. Might be one for the shelf.

Appreciate all the feedback none-the-less.

Quoted from Forgive Hi E.D. - thanks for the read. Some points: the superfluous staccato action descriptions - chopping up lines with random work tasks - I tried to use these as punctuations - the stopping work and starting work, I think, does carry a message (directing nervous energy), but this can easily be written out.

Simon,

I see what you're saying.
But to me, that's something I prefer to leave in the hands of actors.
They're the real pros in that department, so I tend to let them do their thing.
Unless, I absolutely feel a piece of business is critical to the story.

I look at it this way, I have many characters to worry about.
That actor is likely to have better revelations than I as shooting nears.
So, I try my best to not suffocate their territory, so to speak.

Regards,
E.D.

some thoughts as i go along

p 1

i never like it when grown men say words like "daddy." more of a personal annoyance, but it does come across as a bit creepy.

does Robert work for the mob? he's super vague in his answer to Tammy

p 2

super confused right now haha BUT i'm intrigued

finished....and i'm still confused. lemme look at everyone elses comments...

okay so i'm not the only one who was a bit befuddled. thats not a good sign.

i think the main problem here is that you didnt make clear, concise choices prior to writing this script. it has potential, but you need to flesh out your characters. the way it stands now, this script could apply to almost any character.

consider this approach. you have a super attractive/rich playboy who tells this average looking girl with a s hitty job that he's only had sex with two people. she thinks he's lying and can't get him to admit that he's had sex with more girls than just two. at the end, she refuses his advances or breaks up with him because SHE can't come to grips with this number. however at the end, you reveal that he has indeed only had sex with two girls.

i like the point your trying to make. i have similar themes in my script. but play around with audience expectation. make the audience side with tammy...and then prove us all wrong.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer I look at it this way, I have many characters to worry about. That actor is likely to have better revelations than I as shooting nears. So, I try my best to not suffocate their territory, so to speak.

I totally agree with this - it's just a call on what is or isn't pertinent, but this is something I think we all struggle with - getting that balance right. Problem is that all too soon someone will say 'too much dialogue!':

I wrote a script for a newbie director recently, who sent it back saying not enough action lines - I filled in some actions lines; he sent it off to be script-read - result? Script-reader: too many action lines.

Albinopenguin:
Thanks for the feedback. I'm actually quite happy with the script - I'm looking at the dialogue, as I agree there are issues with it, and I'm interested in some of the details (see post to E.D., above), but aside from that, I'm quite pleased with it. It's simply not to some people's taste's, but I can live with that.

Like I've said. One for the shelf.

Simon
I read this without reading the other comments so apologies if I’m repeating what others have said but I believe this is the best way to impartially review a script.

Sorry but I didn’t really get this. What I understand is that an average girl is going out with handsome, wealthy man and through a combination of her own insecurities and a rather overly discouraging, super negative friend she begins to question why this guy is interested in her. That’s the bones of the story, right?

What you’ve written is a couple of cryptic, fragmented conversations between the couple in the early days of their relationship intertwined with Tammy and her friend analysing the state of said relationship as women most certainly do on a constant basis. That structure is fine except, as I’ve noted below, the dialogue feels very unnatural and forced at times. It’s good to experiment and establish your own voice, the staggered, interrupted flow of the dialogue gave it an interesting lilt and I would encourage you to play around with it, however, at times I though you went a bit overboard thus it came off more unrealistic, a tad frustrating and confusing at times.

I have no problem with ambiguity as long as we get something to interpret further down the line. Unfortunately, I felt this never came, the relationship was still full of uncertainty and instability by the end., which again is fine, everything doesn’t need to be wrapped up in a neat package but it seemed like the script went nowhere.
Perhaps the key is in the final two scenes where Annie watches Robert do his shopping and Tammy and Robert meet outside the library. I don’t get the significance of this conclusion and this is where I’m probably missing out.

The writing is pretty tight and direct with only some minor changes I have suggested below.

Can you explain your intentions, I’m curious to know where you’re coming from with it.


Below are some notes I made, typos, grammar, observations, etc.

No need to say that Robert is “male”. We can gather that from his name.

ROBERT
So... I got together with a couple
of guy. We borrowed some cash...

--“Guy” is missing an “s”

TAMMY
Well. Maybe it ain’t stood still.

ANNIE
That’s just on.

--Can you explain these lines? What does she mean?

“Tammy smiles, and shakes her head.”

-- I think you could drop the “and” here after the comma.

ROBERT
But it’s not about us?

TAMMY
(playful)
Hiding?

ROBERT
There’s been people. But then,
you’ve history?

TAMMY
Well...

ROBERT
Tell me about them.

She laughs.

TAMMY
Okay. It’s about us.

She raises her glass to him.

-- Kinda lost here as to what they’re talking about in this passage. The phrasing seems awkward and difficult to decipher. I hope the guarded, riddle type dialogue makes sense by the end.

“He stops, and takes her other hand in his.”

-- Again, I think you can drop the “and” after the comma here.

ROBERT
So. If I was some guy. Works in a
garage.

-- How about re-phrasing this to “If I was some guy who worked in a garage”

"She smiles, and they walk on."

-- Lose the "and".

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 What I understand is that an average girl is going out with handsome, wealthy man and through a combination of her own insecurities and a rather overly discouraging, super negative friend she begins to question why this guy is interested in her. That’s the bones of the story.

- Right

Quoted from Colkurtz8 the dialogue feels very unnatural and forced at times.

This was the main issue for me. Even though the script dealt with tricky issues, it was suppoosed to have a light feel to it, but the dialogue clearly fails in carrying that accross.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I though you went a bit overboard

- Duly noted and referred to in earlier posts.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Perhaps the key is in the final two scenes where Annie watches Robert do his shopping and Tammy and Robert meet outside the library.

- The final scene - how to end it, gave me the most difficulty.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 TAMMY Well. Maybe it ain’t stood still. ANNIE That’s just on. --Can you explain these lines? What does she mean?

- As you noted - early days of the relationship, so is it on as in ongoing as opposed to a one-nighter.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 ROBERT But it’s not about us? TAMMY (playful) Hiding? ROBERT There’s been people. But then, you’ve history?...(etc)

- She's investingating his history (relationship history), but she has history too. He doesn't want to know because the relationship is supposed to be about them.

Yeah, I agree with the dropped of the 'ands' - keeps the writing tight.

So in summary, it's mainly the dialogue that I need to watch - I occasionally like being obscure, and I can live with some people not liking it - can't please all the people all the time...

Thanks for the review.

007.

Hi Simon.

Whilst I was reading this I was a little confused. I felt like they were saying a lot of dialogue without actually saying anything, though I know sometimes this is a good thing. It wasn't until the scene in the park where she asks why he's with her that I got what it's about... it's not about the possessions and money you have, it's about love and you just love who you love. At least that's what I got from it anyway. I found that particular scene quite delightful if I'm honest.

Overall the script didn't feel hugely visible, if you get me. Show us some more of their actions, small romantic gestures and the like perhaps. I don't know, just something we get to see rather than the awkward conversations, which I get show us a bit, but maybe not enough.

Anyway it's a decent effort, and like I said already but want to emphasise, I loved the park scene.

Cheers.

As I go:

Page 1:  I'm a little thrown off on Robert.  His talk of money from "daddy" was, I thought, an indication that he was a spoiled guy who'd had an easy life.  Obviously, though, he made his own way.  Generally I wouldn't think of such a person as being the type to say "daddy."  Just a thought.
I like the disconnects in dialogue here.  Fits in with the way I would imagine their relationship to be.  

Page 4:  I think this is kinda a missed opportunity.  I don't know where this is going, but it seems to me that Tammy's concerns about "unworthiness" or whatever are going to create problems.  If that's the case, ending the scene in the restaurant without having a seen a negative reaction from Robert seems like a mistake to me.  No matter what, I think it's odd that the scene ends on her raising her glass and we have no idea how Robert has responded to this.  It works in the other two scenes but I'm not sure about this one.
Robert's question "Where has this come from?" doesn't necessarily seem justified to me in response to Tammy's question.  Third date seems like a reasonable time to ask about other "meaningful people"...unless that specifically means other relationships, which I personally don't read it as.  Maybe I'm in the minority there.  If that is what Tammy's asking, it seems like an extraordinary turn-off.  Asking about exes on a third date would be significantly unreasonable in my social world; I'm not sure about others'.  

Page 7:  I dunno, Robert pisses me off a little.  He's so incredibly reasonable in explaining himself to Tammy when her question is so obnoxious.  I wish he'd tell her off.  I mean, "Would you still like me?"  "Maybe."  What a bleep!

Page 8:  Ending ain't make no sense to me.  Annie?  Library?  "I'm here"?  Don't get it.

Thoughts:  

There's a very nice tone here that I think has the potential to be a very...comfortable short film, the kind you'd want to watch over even though you know how it ends.  

'Course, I don't know how this one ends, which is to say, I don't know what happened in the end.  Basically, none of page 8 makes sense to me.  I think, though that this problem is created earlier in the story.  This feels like mumblecore -- if you're familiar with the term -- but even by those standards there is not a dramatic moment early enough or significant enough.  Robert's so patient with Tammy that it seems like she couldn't create a problem if she wanted to, and the fact that she doesn't create a problem with what I view as bad behaviour -- as I mentioned above -- is very annoying to me.  She's gotta do something earlier to get the ball rolling.  I understand that the intention here is to be dialogue based, but so little happens that the dialogue itself is arbitrary.  Since plot points expressed through dialogue are not connected to any specific actions, even small ones, there's really nothing here that couldn't be accomplished in a single scene; or, to look at it another way, there's not really any scene with Annie that couldn't have been with Robert, or vice versa, and not still gotten the exact same information across.  I'm fine, happy in fact, with scripts that are mostly dialogue and ideas, but that dialogue still has to drive a story at least to the extent in which a character must interact with different characters at different times to obtain different pieces of information, and therefore remain active within the plot.  Is that adequately clear?  I'm not sure how, precisely, to make this point.  The dialogue doesn't appear to have any real-world effect whatsoever, I suppose that's what I'm getting at.  When the restaurant scene, for example, ends, the relationship between Robert and Tammy is really no different than when the scene began.  And if that hasn't changed, what has?

I mentioned above that I find Tammy a bit annoying.  I won't belabour the point as I didn't find it over the top.  As I said, it more so made me annoyed with Robert for not seeming the least bit miffed.  

Annie is nice enough but could use a little somethin' somethin' to make her seem less like the Judy-Greer-best-friend type.  

Anyway.  All in all; I like the tone; I was stumped by the ending and didn't feel that an open ending was sufficiently justified; I worry that there's too little drama, even for such a quiet little story; I enjoyed the dialogue in form if not in content.

Chris

ADY – thanks for the read and the feedback – I see what you mean.

Hi Heretic. I think maybe you’ve over analysed this. I’ll go through my take on it:
Scene 1
You’re right with the intent on the use of the word ‘daddy’, but this is the guy Robert worked for: Robert then got together with some other guys and lent the money and built the business up, so he’s worked for his money.
Scene 2
Introduce the antagonist, Annie. She begins to question the relationship.
Scene 3
Tammy brings her insecurities to the table (literally). Talks about exes – you’re right that this is poor form (to mention exes), but Robert handles it well, suggesting Tammy has exes, and the point is that this relationship is about them. Tammy then raises her glass to him as Robert has ‘passed’ this test.
Scene 4
Following the meal, Annie attempts to get details (numbers of exes - implies she knows about the conversation, so may have instigated it) – Tammy, somewhat frustrated, rejects this, so Annie goes for the stronger line – he could have anyone…
Scene 5
Dialogue continues from previous scene… Tammy question Robert on the basis that he could have anyone, directly continuing Annie’s line of question. Robert tries to sooth her insecurities (again emphasising that her understands them & her, and he understands that she is likely to be insecure – he wants her.) She toys with his answer, implying she is comfortable with it.
Scene 6
Now close to the end, the scenes change more quickly. Annie is getting quite blatant – she’s basically telling Tammy that she’ll get binned, but it sounds desperate – she’s drunk, and drowns her dregs.
Scene 7
Still with Annie – she sees Robert – she doesn’t just look at him – she gazes, and holds it – Annie’s motivation in one – she fancies him and she’s jealous. That’s all we need to know.
Scene 8
Another date. She stands in between his legs (she’d only do this if they were still together) and then he turns the tables on her, by asking her a question, but he smiles, so we know things are good, whatever the question is going to be.

So yes, I don’t really know if the ending works, and it’s open, but it ends as it began with a question, and it turns the tables, as maybe she is now secure enough for Robert to ask her something – and they are in a library – a depository of answers. So according to me, this is dialogue driven – Annie as the antagonist is driving most of Tammy’s questions, and she is taking these to Robert, who of course expects this as he knows he is doing something that is socially quite unusual. It’s not about drama, it’s not a dramatic script: it’s about insecurities and their counter – understanding someone you care for, giving them a little time, being patient with them.

Thanks for the read.