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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  December, 2011 Urban Legend OWC  /  True Myth - ULOWC
Posted by: Don, January 2nd, 2012, 11:54am
True Myth by Bill Sarre (reef dreamer) - Short, Urban Legend - When a secret military team gains the power of psychic foresight, their greatest challenge is what happens next. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: DarrenJamesSeeley, January 2nd, 2012, 4:35pm; Reply: 1
For a surprise OWC, I suppose it's fine.
'Suppose'...well, look. I did get a little worn down with the punnage. Character slugs don't match character narrative except for rank. Would have preferred last names.
Maybe it's just me. Too much red table wine from NYE, the OWC being under the radar...I need a bowl of hot soup and the soup needs salt...

I just couldn't get a handle on this bit. Sorry.
Posted by: Ryan1, January 2nd, 2012, 4:50pm; Reply: 2
This is a clever little tale you have here.  I like how consistently wacky you kept the tone throughout the piece.  Those character names...Private Moments?  Yeesh.  I can see you're a guy who likes his puns.

Innovative idea for an urban legends challenge.  No real urban legend at the core of this, but a funny concept about a black ops department of the military squashing any legends that happen to come up in conversation.  

I liked the contrast of the frizzy haired old lady(My Ayes...I saw that pun coming up Main Street and it was a groaner) with the strict, hard-nosed military man.

The ending was suitably absurd for a story like this.  I guess I was hoping for a bit more of a laugh that just a power cut, because you had done such a good job of building up to the moment.  But all in all, this was a creative, original take on your subject.
Posted by: grademan, January 2nd, 2012, 8:38pm; Reply: 3
Hey Bill,

I think I've seen your name over at MP?

One pun after another.  8 pages was about the right length for this, It was reminiscent of Airplane one of my all time fav comedies. Nice twist on the theme. Did you consider an evil twin organization? Might've  been fun.

Gary
Posted by: CoopBazinga, January 3rd, 2012, 3:21am; Reply: 4
Hey Bill,

I am a massive fan of spoof films and puns,  you have delivered something that maybe isn't to everybody's taste but you won me over and I was laughing throughout. Maybe there should have been a Private Parts as well.

A cracker to mention for me personally and you must be English right? A Line like "That old chestnut" Love it! It's like you stole it from my vocabulary. ;D

One disappointment for me was the ending, you built it up so well that it kinda felt flat but I'm not complaining because i really enjoyed this.

Good work old chum :)

Steve.
Posted by: pale yellow, January 3rd, 2012, 8:09am; Reply: 5
Bill,

I really liked this story. I didnt' get tired of the puns. I got a chuckle the whole way through. The dialogue seems to fit the characters....very cute short.

Good work!

Dena
Posted by: Electric Dreamer, January 3rd, 2012, 11:39am; Reply: 6
Hey Bill,

Good on you for taking a stab at the OWC.
Puns in the war room, how Kubrickian of you! ;D

This was a pretty good read, and I'm not a fan of puns.
Your set up far exceeded your punchline.

Spell check this bad boy for the second draft and give us a more fitting ending.
Nice effort.

Regards,
E.D.
Posted by: Felipe, January 3rd, 2012, 2:48pm; Reply: 7
You have some really cool ideas here and from the beginning, you had my attention. When the psychic woman came into play I started picturing Professor Trelawny from Harry Potter. It's not really your fault though. =)
They are both just crazy.
The puns were a bit much for me but it seemed to fit the whole style of the story. Your writing kept me entertained throughout even though I felt the end was a bit abrupt.

It was almost Dr. Strangelove meets Burn After Reading. Solid work!
Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), January 4th, 2012, 3:18am; Reply: 8
Bill,

Amusing little tale.  Reminded me quite a bit of Airplane and I got a few chuckles out of it.  

There was no rule about using only one legend, so you're fine there and it seemed like you voice came through loud and clear.  

The one crit I would make is that though the dialogue was funny the actions were pretty tame.  Up the funny content in the actions so we can see some of these gags.  


Good work.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, January 5th, 2012, 10:01am; Reply: 9
Thanks everyone for the reads.

Sorry I don't have the ability to do individual quotes at he moment, so will comment in general.

First off, this was VERY rushed, more of a weekend challenge. However, I thought it was better to take part rather than hide away - I knew would have to take a few on the chin.

The key items to me are;

The end - I didn't have time to finish. I have an ending now where the power cut is part of the section being closed down, which then becomes a myth itself.

Consistent humour - I need to make sure all characters are consistent, maybe one or two teaks needed for this.

Puns - yeah probably a couple too many, a Pun too Far so to speak, ok I'll stop it...

Visual - Michael pointed out the need to keep the visuals going. I agree. Hopefully, with the screens, different characters and what they are doing this can be acheieved but needs clarifying.

Kubrick - I'm glad this was spotted as I was thinking about Dr Strangelove whilst writing this, along with Airplane and Caddyshack. A subtle blend!

Myth wise there are three refered to in this plus the whole preventing myth's  idea.

Glad most enjoyed this and saw it for what it was, a slapstick/satirical effort based around the state trying to manipulate society and how government "could" do this.

Cheers
Posted by: Angry Bear, January 5th, 2012, 11:06am; Reply: 10
This was kind of like Airplane. A fun wacky piece with a lot of playing with words. I thought it was pretty creative and would probably be more fun to watch than read since the timing would be crucial to the jokes.

Don't have anything to offer up as suggestions to improve. Maybe change the ending a little as that was the only part that felt flat to me.

Good work!!
Posted by: Sham, January 5th, 2012, 11:51pm; Reply: 11
This was really funny, Bill. I smiled the whole way through.

I really cracked up at this little exchange:

          COLONEL SAYER
     Moments, I need fresh eyes.

          MYRA AYES
     My sister?

Great job. This definitely stands out from the rest.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, January 6th, 2012, 4:24am; Reply: 12

Quoted from Sham
This was really funny, Bill. I smiled the whole way through.

I really cracked up at this little exchange:

          COLONEL SAYER
     Moments, I need fresh eyes.

          MYRA AYES
     My sister?

Great job. This definitely stands out from the rest.


Thanks Sham.

Despite the time restrictions it was fun to write as well.

Posted by: AdamJohns, January 6th, 2012, 2:17pm; Reply: 13
I immediately thought of a Mel Brooks movie.  Even with a reference to "Lone Star" on page 4, ala Space Balls. I found myself laughing as well.  Great use of puns.

Couple of minor things:
Pg. 1, would read better as "sown-on name badge," and overweight is one word.

Nice work.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, January 7th, 2012, 6:04am; Reply: 14
Jay Z,

thanks for the read and feedback.

This was a rushed job and needs a bit of work. The lone star actually was taken from an Urban myth where it was believed the Lone Star Brewery had been poisoned (I changed this to vineyard) and as this was an Urban Myth/Legend competition seemed fair game to include.

I now have to consider whether to revise or move on to others. Probably a good discipline to revise.

all the best.
Posted by: TheRichcraft, January 12th, 2012, 10:46pm; Reply: 15
Love how the psychic typically keeps things vague by only saying two letters and letting the officials knock themselves out trying to figure it out. Of course, the power cut could have occurred because the computers were overworked. I wonder what terms you could have come up with BO (BlackOut).
Posted by: courhaw, January 15th, 2012, 9:01pm; Reply: 16
bill -- pt 2. true myth -- truly clever -- i loved your characterization -- the naming was awesomely apropos and the story is fine. but once again, for me, it's your details, i.e. descriptions, transitions. i bet this was written with an contest in mind, huh? the lack of scenery -- which makes it a single dimensional work -- is limiting to the potential that your writing speaks to. dialogue could use a little punch in the face as well, and i'm not sure if introducing new characters so late (page 6 in this case of a 9 pg work) is not a bad habit or at least a lazy one. you're a strong writer in my opinion -- not just giving you fluff for a review either. your writing is filled with possibility for improvement and i think you'll take the adv received on this site and make yourself into a better writer soon. good read -- thanks. and keep writing and stay positive.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, January 16th, 2012, 6:37am; Reply: 17
Thanks for the reads.


Quoted from TheRichcraft
Love how the psychic typically keeps things vague by only saying two letters and letting the officials knock themselves out trying to figure it out. Of course, the power cut could have occurred because the computers were overworked. I wonder what terms you could have come up with BO (BlackOut).


BO - argh the possibilities! This was a rushed job but a new draft is on the way.

Quoted from courhaw
i'm not sure if introducing new characters so late (page 6 in this case of a 9 pg work) is not a bad habit or at least a lazy one. you're a strong writer in my opinion -- not just giving you fluff for a review either. .


thank you for the feedback. You are right it was written of a competition so there are always a few constraints. The one location was on purpose as i am trying to steer my scripts this way to make them more appealing to produce.

I'm not saying this would be produced but i want to get into the habit of increasing my chances.

Your comment on the late introduction of the last character is interesting. its not one i had thought of as an issue, but will ponder on it.
Posted by: sniper, January 16th, 2012, 7:51am; Reply: 18
Reef,

This was...okay. Inventive and definitely well-written, it even had a couple of almost-chuckle-moments but the names thing got old. Real fast. Actually, it reminded me of the Airplane skit with Roger, Oveur and Victor:

Roger Murdock: We have clearance, Clarence.
Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
Tower voice: Tower's radio clearance, over!
Captain Oveur: That's Clarence Oveur. Over.
Tower voice: Over.
Captain Oveur: Roger.
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Tower voice: Roger, over!
Roger Murdock: What?
Captain Oveur: Huh?
Victor Basta: Who?

Comedy is very very subjective and this didn't work too well for me.

Cheers
Rob
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, January 16th, 2012, 2:45pm; Reply: 19

Quoted from sniper
Reef,

This was...okay. Inventive and definitely well-written, it even had a couple of almost-chuckle-moments but the names thing got old. Real fast. Actually, it reminded me of the Airplane skit with Roger, Oveur and Victor:

Roger Murdock: We have clearance, Clarence.
Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
Tower voice: Tower's radio clearance, over!
Captain Oveur: That's Clarence Oveur. Over.
Tower voice: Over.
Captain Oveur: Roger.
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Tower voice: Roger, over!
Roger Murdock: What?
Captain Oveur: Huh?
Victor Basta: Who?

Comedy is very very subjective and this didn't work too well for me.

Cheers
Rob


Sniper,

Many thanks for the read, appreciated.

For this 'unofficial" OWC i took a real flyer with a spoof but in all fairness it was written over Christmas with so little time that i just had to write my first idea or bale out, and I love taking part in these things.

This style is definitely not for everyone and thats when its done well. My honest opinion is that i had a reasonable idea and pulled it off OK. Time to fine tune and reflect would help. I have a new draft going up with a  tidier ending but other than a few tweaks it remains the same. I don't know about others but once a script is out there and reviewed i look to the next one more than working on the old one. I think that's a bad habit in the formation.

This was my first spoof script and i think i over egged a couple of things, such as the puns and names. A couple were forced and didn't go so well - i should have focused on what worked. Good lesson.

Mind you i really enjoyed writing this and if you can't laugh at your own jokes, thats not a good sign.

cheers

PS i adore airplane and that dialogue you posted is just an example of why, to me, that film is a work of genius. So many spoofs have followed, so few even start to climb so high.

Posted by: sniper, January 16th, 2012, 3:22pm; Reply: 20

Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Mind you i really enjoyed writing this

Yeah, I think it was pretty obvious that you were having a good time writing this one. And you know what? That's really all that matters. Period.

Posted by: Andrew, January 16th, 2012, 6:00pm; Reply: 21
I'm really impressed with your writing, man. The writing carried me through this one. As Sniper said, comedy is so incredibly subjective and this just ain't my bag. Slightly too surreal for me. Are you a fan of The Mighty Boosh? In a way, it reminded me of that, which just goes over my head every time. It's interesting, 'cos you demo'd a completely different style of humour than that of A Girl's Best Friend. That's a testament to your writing.

There's not much else for me to add, really, 'cos I think my problem with the script is a taste issue as opposed to a quality issue.

I would love to see a drama feature from you. Send me over anything that you'd like some eyes on - I'd be very keen to give it a butchers.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, January 17th, 2012, 3:00pm; Reply: 22

Quoted from Andrew
I'm really impressed with your writing, man. The writing carried me through this one. As Sniper said, comedy is so incredibly subjective and this just ain't my bag. Slightly too surreal for me. Are you a fan of The Mighty Boosh? In a way, it reminded me of that, which just goes over my head every time. It's interesting, 'cos you demo'd a completely different style of humour than that of A Girl's Best Friend. That's a testament to your writing.

There's not much else for me to add, really, 'cos I think my problem with the script is a taste issue as opposed to a quality issue.

I would love to see a drama feature from you. Send me over anything that you'd like some eyes on - I'd be very keen to give it a butchers.


Andrew, once again kind words and i'm really pleased you have spotted the different styles employed.

So far i have tried to make each script very different. I am still new to all this so for now i'm using shorts to fine tune my writing.

I'm entering the MP feature title and log line competition in january. This may force me to start a feature, which is probably about time. i did start all my script  writing with a feature length drama but that was before i had learnt how to do this. The idea in that script is sound but the writing is as ugly as a spanked a**e. Needs work.

I have a short drama script in a competition  at Circlait called Shelter, which is currently ranked third out of 110 scripts which is nice to see, although the voting there is strange and not wholly trust worthy (one author has reviewed his own script, gave it 100% but left his name on the pdf!) But hey its better than last!

I've seen the Mighty boosh promoted but never seen it.

All the best
Posted by: alffy, February 14th, 2012, 4:45pm; Reply: 23
Bill, I wanted to write you a nice long review but I just raced through this, laughing to myself as I did.

I loved the character names and there were a lot of little gags in there too.  I don't really have anything of worth to say; nothing negative either.  I really enjoyed this from start to finish.

Great short.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, February 15th, 2012, 5:36pm; Reply: 24

Quoted from alffy
Bill, I wanted to write you a nice long review but I just raced through this, laughing to myself as I did.

I loved the character names and there were a lot of little gags in there too.  I don't really have anything of worth to say; nothing negative either.  I really enjoyed this from start to finish.

Great short.


Thanks Alffy,

Glad you enjoyed this, it was fun to write as well, which is nice.

I have tweaked it a bit since the competition - primarily to give it an ending - but it's pretty close to the original.

Let me know when the revised Addiction is up.

cheers

bill
Posted by: Guest, February 19th, 2013, 7:01pm; Reply: 25
I like the play on names/words - funny.
Reminds me of a Leslie Neilson comedy.
I see its light years different in tone then your latest short, Alone.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, February 20th, 2013, 4:51pm; Reply: 26

Quoted from Guest
I like the play on names/words - funny.
Reminds me of a Leslie Neilson comedy.
I see its light years different in tone then your latest short, Alone.


Sorry Reaper, I didn't see this when I checked in earlier.

Thanks for the read.

This is not everyone's 'cup of tea', but I enjoyed writing it at the time. It made me smile as is wrote it and you know what, that's not a bad thing.

Hopefully those who read this will understand it's not meant to be serious, just a bit of light hearted, slapstick fun. Oh, it's not stupid either. There is something  under this after all!

Cheers

Posted by: Colkurtz8, May 3rd, 2013, 3:45am; Reply: 27
Bill

Cool idea you got going here, utterly ridiculous and you treat that way by populating the story with uniformly ridiculous characters!

“Col Sooth Sayer, DEPT of URBAN MYTH BANISHMENT (D.U.M.B)”

- Ha, love the Col.’s name and the acronym, has a Dr. Strangelove vibe to it.
Likewise for the two privates, clever.

PRIVATE FEARS
No sir, that’s illegal since the
case of the priest with the bad
piles...
(off the Colonel’s look)
...oh, yes, sorry sir.

- Ok, I know it’s for the purposes of comedy and I’m loathed to take the earnest route but surely Private Fears wouldn’t make this mix up every time the Col. enquired about the other misfortunately named Private.

PRIVATE MOMENTS
What? Oh, PV, OK sir. PV, Personal
Voyeur coming up sir, screen three.

- I wonder is there another way for you to define PV without having Private Moment just say it? Feels like a line purely for the benefit of the audience.

GENERAL CONNCERN

- Another great handle, “CONNCERN” is spelled it with an extra “N” though or is this intentional?

COLONEL SAYER
General Conncern.

PRIVATE FEARS
What is?

- The same criticism here as above with Private Fears stupidity but I understand you’re portraying him that way, the idiot. At least he’s consistent!

“SMOKING KILLS – ALLEGEDLY“

- He he

COLONEL SAYER
Private, give a heads up to the
Bureau, I want a nod to the FBI,
and give Homeland a sniff.

- Aren’t the “Bureau” and “FBI” the same thing?

COLONEL SAYER
Moments, I told you, I need fresh
eyes.

MYRA
My sister?

- I don’t get this.

JIMMY
That’s horse shite. You know it.

- Did you mean to spell “shite” like that because that’s how we sometimes say it where I’m from? As in, rhymes with “Kite”.

I love the tone of comedy throughout, very playful, tongue–in-cheek, some clever gags in there. The banter between the two hapless Privates and the equally clueless Colonel was entertaining, working well with the ludicrous high concept.

I thought the last third disappointed a bit however, I wasn’t as so enamoured by Myra’s introduction, mainly because she interfered with the all boys club which I was enjoying (although there are lots of ways you could take that partnership) while the final sequence didn’t make much sense to me. I guess I’m missing something but they were on the brink of finding out what this new myth was when everything goes dark and you cut to the random scene at the Arizona bar. I get the bar scene is there to propagate the notion of myths, their ubiquity and how they can started so readily but I still don’t know what PC stands for! Should I?

Col.
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, May 3rd, 2013, 2:42pm; Reply: 28
Col

Thanks for the read.

Everyone should write a True Myth because it's refreshing nonsense. I loved writing this one, and still enjoy reading it, but i accept it is very individual. We can all write the same type of scripts, so sometimes it is good to break out. That's what i feel this script was for me.

Without going into too much detail, it is an oldie after all, i would say;

1] where you wonder if it was intentional - it is! bizarre and all that

2] last third - oh Col, most found this the best, but thats the beauty of weird scripts, everyone enjoys them differently.

3] PC = power cut, the irony of it being to them rather than outside, then played upon in the fact the plug was pulled

4] re Myra - Fresh eyes - my sister ?- Funnily enough, Sham thought this was the best bit! It is a play on the fact that Myra is My Ayes (eyes) so the joke is that Fresh Eyes is her sister - weird i accept.

Thanks for the read, much appreciated.

cheers

bill
Posted by: Colkurtz8, May 4th, 2013, 7:50pm; Reply: 29

Quoted from Reef Dreamer

Everyone should write a True Myth because it's refreshing nonsense. I loved writing this one, and still enjoy reading it, but i accept it is very individual. We can all write the same type of scripts, so sometimes it is good to break out.


- I agree, i have a couple of random scripts too, written for that very same purpose, something different.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
PC = power cut, the irony of it being to them rather than outside, then played upon in the fact the plug was pulled  


- Sh?t, I knew I shoulda copped this!

Posted by: Mr.Z, July 10th, 2015, 12:26pm; Reply: 30
Hi Bill,

Fun premise, it's like Ghostbusters but with the heroes chasing myths instead of ghosts. There were some funny gags, like the name puns.

The only comment I have is that there seems to be a slight deviation in the narrative when the heroes are paired with the psychic. Instead of hunting myths, the focus seems to shift to preventing real disasters like plane crashes. Not bad, but I felt like the main conflict could have unfolded in a way more organic to the premise. Then in the denouement you do bring everything back to the myth camp, which was cool.

I see a previous reader suggested including an evil twin organization. That could be fun to consider if you ever revisit this.

Best of luck!
Posted by: eldave1, July 10th, 2015, 3:55pm; Reply: 31
Quite clever.

Although - I think not having a MAJOR PAYNE or MAJOR DICK in there somewhere was a MAJOR MISTAKE;)
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, July 11th, 2015, 4:58am; Reply: 32
Always strange when someone reads an old script out of the blue. You then see it on the thread and think, gosh that's a simailr name to mine...oh it is.

Thanks both for the read.

Yeah, this is just a bunch of silliness but I enjoyed it.

MAJOR names....how did I miss that. The possibilities are endless. I already can see a conversation between two MAJORS , like MAJOR ASS and MAJOR DICK which would then be altered by the arrival of a hot female soldier called MAJOR LEAGUE. It would start off with one mocking him for his MAJOR DICK name, only for a reversal whereby he's trying to promote his MAJOR DICK...wink wink.

Better get back to the real world.
Posted by: Dustin, July 11th, 2015, 5:19am; Reply: 33
Major Haas would be better than straight up ass. It works better when they are actual names. Best not be too on the nose.
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