Bad Day Baby Buffalo by Arty Whale (ArtyDoubleYou) - Short, Animation - Based on true events, the story of a family of Buffalo and their trip to the watering hole. With lions around the corner and something lurking in the water, this is a day they'll never forget. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Broken link fixed.

Don

I sent in the wrong draft by mistake so there's a few errors in this draft. I've submitted the most up to date version though so please don't read just yet.

Apologies to all.

Cheers.

Arty.

Not good enough Roy ;D ;D ;D.

I'll wait for the updated version before commenting.

Steve

Cheers Steveo.

I feel like an idiot, knew I should of paid more attention in computer class at school.

You got anything new for me to check out in the meantime?

So the link's working now - have you got the correct version up? Had a look at it anyway - thought the overall idea was nice (had a similar idea myself) - at early draft stage I think it needs polishing up somewhat:

No major problems with the format - but I think maybe some mini slugs for when the lions are at a distance from the Buffalos.

Sure someone will make mention of the 'wfie' bit...

Some of the dialogue came across a little soft - think it could do with tightening up in places.

I would have liked to have seen a little more backstory - there was potential to slip it in fairly easily: "So Alakia, we meet again" etc etc (but better than that).

There were also some bits were I felt it needed elements of detail to prevent it coming across to bland - like when the Buffalo stop short of the lions - some dust kicked up etc.

Ending came across a little twee - I think, as it takes place in such a short time then, you'd need to have Leah promising vengeance - to have the 'respect' bit you'd have needed them to have had more history - time & events during which the respect would have time to build up.

Certainly looks like part of something bigger - you could certainly build on - overall - good - I like it.

Simon

Cheers for the review Si.

This isn't the final draft, there are a couple of changes to the update. A couple of spelling mistakes and a bit of tightening on a few lines.

I think I should mention that this story was based on this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM youtube clip. I struggle to come up with stories for shorts and this seemed like it could work well. Also why I put 'based on true events' in the logline, though probably didn't need to.

As for the dialogue and the ending I would say I was writing it with kids in mind. The message being to listen to or do what your parents tell you as they have your best interests at heart. I didn't really want to go down the vengeance path as there is also forgiveness and knowing when to walk away on display, other little lessons if you will. Maybe I over-thought it which is why it may not have quite worked.

In an even earlier draft I did have mini slugs but I got rid of them because it made the length end a few lines in to page nine, so I just wanted to bring it under eight. Perhaps I will look to make it nine full pages so I can get those extra little details in too. I didn't want to keep writing dust kicks up all the time though just for the sake of not repeating. Dust kicks up a few times already, but I'll see if I can word it some other way, or add something anyway.

Not sure if I would want to make a feature out of it, but it's always there just in case.

Glad you liked it overall, let me know if you have anything I can take a look at for you over the weekend.

Cheers for your time.

Arty.

Hi Roy,

Arh the school boy error - makes me feel better about mine!

I will await the final draft so that you get feedback on this.

One thing I'm doing is linking scripts to Dropbox. I'm sure ther are other ways but this allows you to amend you script whilst posted.

Roughly you, open a Dropbox account, upload a PDF to the public section, then copy the link when you enter your script to SS. there is a URL link for scripts if not PDF.

I have to say it is VERY useful to be able to amend whilst on the site.

Cheers

hey Arty, I'm going to wait to read this until you post the new draft (make sure to send me a PM when you do). For now, there's one thing I would recommend changing...the title. I absolutely loath it. I'm probably the only one that has beef with it (no pun intended), but you might want to consider changing it.

Quoted from albinopenguin hey Arty, I'm going to wait to read this until you post the new draft (make sure to send me a PM when you do). For now, there's one thing I would recommend changing...the title. I absolutely loath it. I'm probably the only one that has beef with it (no pun intended), but you might want to consider changing it.

Second!

About the new draft, not the title. ;D

E.D.

Arty I promised you a read....But I might as well wait for the revised buddy.

Mark

I love the title.  Don't change it.  I'll read it when you post the new draft.

Greatest Title Ever!:)

Mark

I appreciate the patience gents. Just a shame I ballsed it up in the first place.

Haven't had much time today but I've got a lot of spare time over the weekend to read anything of yours if you would like me to. Just send me a pm and I'll get to it, don't be shy.

As for the title I quite like it so I doubt it will change, unless someone comes up with something better of course.

Peace out and that.

Quoted from ArtyDoubleYou I think I should mention that this story was based on this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM youtube clip.

Mmmm. Yeah - the utube clip's pretty impressive - amazed the poor little thing survived. Unfortunately you just cost me an hour of looking at dumb hippo's attacking things, you just can't do one utube clip and leave it at that can you? Sorry - you're top of my list fot an 'owed read' now... ;D

Quoted from Forgive you just cost me an hour of looking at dumb hippo's attacking things

Oh I've been there my man.

Pm me what you'd like me to take a look at and I'll be on it like a car bonnet, it's only fair after all.

Quoted from Arty I think I should mention that this story was based on this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM youtube clip.

Great clip, can`t believe you made a movie already! Your quick.:)


Mark

Hi Arty

This is from your revised script you emailed me.

Quoted from Arty I struggle to come up with stories for shorts and this seemed like it could work well.

For me, It did work well as far as converting the clip into a short... Your grammar and descriptions were great, and the African names were excellant

"Sun glistens on the surface of a watering hole. Murky water
laps against its banks. Bushes and small trees punctuate the
dry surroundings."

This was a beautiful opening.


... but the overall dialogue needed a little more bite(mind the pun).

ALAKAI
Derfel, go back to the herd.
DERFEL
Make me stupid head.



I think there should have been a lot more tension between the father and son, this pretty much ended the conversation between them, before the lion attacks.  To call the leader of the herd/his dad a "stupid head" is really shallow, IMO I would Alakai threaten to smack his ass, or have Derfel a little more respectful.


Alakai squares off with Leah.
ALAKAI
I commend your bravery, but you’d
be stupid to stick around.
Leah questions with sceptical eyes.
ALAKAI (CONT’D)
Nobody needs to die here today.
But, they still could.
Leah nods, turns and skulks away......  By the way is this "SULKS"

To me, that is too easy, Leah attacked his son, had the rest of the herd nail him down, had a tug of war with a croc and then hovered over him until the end... I wouldn`t commend her bravery, I would give her one second before I thrust my horn into her heart. IMO

It was just a cheesy ending with the brave warrior..
I know it`s hard with a short and writers sometimes feel compelled to finish off with a Hollywood ending(Everything is happy and back in order) IMO It`s too bland.

I would love for you to sit down and write a short all on your own, you`ve obviously got a talent  to do a complete reverse of film to script and your writing itself is tight.... and I don`t want to come across as harsh, but I feel you`re writing a short that`s already been wrote... In other words if there had never been a Youtube clip, this would be very creative, instead you putting words in actors(or animals) mouths that`s already been acted.

There are plenty of screenwriting books out there to help you free your mind and become more creative.
Your short shows you`re a great writer, just have belief in yourself.

Keep writing Arty

Mark:)

Cheers for the review Mark.

Simon said the same thing about the dialogue so it will certainly be something I look to work on. The reason I went with 'stupid head' is because I wanted Derfel to come across as a bit of a brat, purposefully to have him be disrespectful. I once heard a kid in a shop call his mum a stupid head which is where I got the line. He seemed like a brat for sure. Also I tried to give each character an arc, he starts as a disrespectful brat and ends up realising the error of his ways by the end. I also thought it would be a good story to teach kids about respect for your parents and do what they tell you, not sure if I put enough effort in that for it to come across though.

As for the ending I didn't want Alakai to be totally violent towards her just because this way shows his compassion. He's a good leader and understands that Leah is doing what she has to to survive. By letting her go he also gets her respect, and maybe that pride of lions won't be attacking them again. He does sort of threaten her, but I think I will look to have him be a bit more aggressive as I did worry it may be a little bit 'Hollywood'.

In regards to turning the clip into a short, part of me feels like I've cheated a bit for doing so. The other part feels quite creative for doing it. It's true what they say though... inspiration can come from anywhere, and it got me writing.

Also it is 'skulks'. It's a type of walk, like 'slink' which was my other option. It's just because I try not to use 'walk' wherever I can.

Quoted from irish eyes Your short shows you`re a great writer, just have belief in yourself.

Quotes like that certainly help with the belief, thank you. And thanks for your time.

Hey Arty,

Other than a few David Attenborough narrated shows, I’ve never been one much into animal documentary’s unless it’s about a great white shark. In saying that, I watched the youtube clip you attached and see you have pretty much copied it, not saying that’s a bad thing, especially if this was more of a writing exercise? All I’m saying is you could have changed it from the original, put your spin on it if know what I’m saying.

The writing was good in general, it flowed nicely and I enjoyed the different variation in your wording in sentences. I would personally have liked to see some mini slugs to break up the action between the lions and buffalo scenes. Also didn’t care for all the exclamation marks, there was a lot in the 8 pages but this is a personal gripe. I would also introduce the crocodile from the get go, take out “figure” which doesn’t read right for a crocodile. If anything, this will add some extra tension because we can all picture a crocodile and will anticipate the attack. I didn’t see much in the way of grammar, a few times when you could have used a comma instead of a period but nothing major.

The dialogue didn’t work for me throughout I’m afraid but I don’t think this is entirely your fault. Giving animals a voice is hard, you need to somehow give them a distinct voice and make it believable but they’re animals or mammals if you like. How do you do that? Well, of course it’s possible and you tried, Derfel definitely had his own voice, very childlike though almost too childlike at times, felt like a spoilt brat! All the other characters sounded very alike IMO.

The story, well you have the believability factor because it’s based on a true event but did I enjoy it...I’m on the fence about it. It’s difficult, like I said; you followed a blueprint to the letter and didn’t change it up so what you have you done creative? I liked the writing, you’ve got talent but I would like to see you come up with an original idea and get that down on paper.

A solid piece of writing but the story lacked for me because it felt uninspired. I would like to see you develop your skills on an original, imaginative idea that shows off your creativity as a writer.

In saying that, I liked your writing style and think you have a lot potential to go far in this business. I guess it’s down to you how far you go?

Good work, Arty. :)

Have a good one.

Steve

In deeper water, a FIGURE lurks at the bottom. A slender
body. A long tail. It lays still. - This needs a slug. You just took us away from the action. Just do UNDERWATER. And be sure to double space. Like my avatar says.

"On the bank the tug of war goes on." - needs a slug as well. I know we're outside, but where are we outside?


DERFEL
I promise I’ll listen from now on.
I promise. -- wtf? Wasn't his fault he got caught. His mom and dad took off like bitches running from lionesses, that's right, lionesses. The fat fuck lion was chillin' licking his paws the whole time. Pimp.

Sorry, I just think this sucks. I have no major complaints about the writing, but why write this? The Battle at Kruger is an amazing peice. It doesn't need the animals to be personified. Plus, It's already on Film! Write something original. This won't win you a job as an adaptive screenplay writer.

Bitter, James, Don't fuck with one of my favorite youtube videos....Blah!

Thanks for the reviews Steve and James.

The reason I wrote this was pretty much a writing exercise. I really struggle for ideas for shorts, I can't seem to come up with a story to tell in a few pages. I've got plenty of feature ideas, it's just shorts that are the problem. I was hoping I could turn what is a great clip into a story with the thought that some young buck film maker might be keen to make it, maybe for practise with their own skills. As it would be an animation I can picture in my own head how it could look and how it would be different from the clip, so thought it would be a nice idea. But it turns out I haven't done as good a job as I would of hoped, but it's a lesson learned on my part.

I will certainly take two positives from this though. One is my writing appears not to be horrible and two is criticism doesn't suck like it used to.

Steve.

I did try to make the characters all sound different so I'm a bit gutted that didn't come across, though I am pleased you thought Derfel was a brat as that was the point.

As for the exclamation marks that is just from the 'Arty Whale three exclamation mark rule'. One (!) is for something said maybe stern or a bit loud, three (!!!) is a top of the voice, lung bursting scream. Just my own habit I'll look to break.

James.

The mini slugs is something I will be adding if/when I go for a re-write.

The reason I had Derfel say that was because if he had listened to Alakai originally instead of being a little s**t he would of been safe in the herd, instead he nearly got killed, learning the lesson of listen to your parents. Also lionesses generally do the hunting for the pride, whereas lions do actually just chill out like pimps.

Anyways, thank you both again for your time, sorry it didn't quite work.

Arty.

Arty,

For a moment there, I thought I single-handidly chased you from the boards. I was a bit harsh in my review. Those who know me here, pretty much write me off when I go into fits.

I didn't complain about your writing style at all. That shows promise. Funny, I find it far more difficult to write a feature. If you've got one, toss it on the boards.

James

Hi Arty
Nice tale. Family story, my style. First I though Crocodiles and lions fight each other to death and bufullo emerges the winner. Well he did. Good story, but you have some coursing there that spoiled it for me little bit. Maybe that is because I thought of it as kids story?
Anyway good job, clean draft.

Take care.
Jahongir.

Hey man.

I should of also added my apologies for not responding sooner, been having internet troubles plus some real life events have been getting in the way. But now I'm back.

Don't feel bad about the original review, like I said criticism doesn't suck like it used to. It's never fun but as long as we can learn from what is said, that's all that matters.

As for my features most are just ideas at the moment. I'm writing one whereas the others are just pages of notes in notebooks. As soon as I finish it I'll look to get it on SS though.

Anything of yours I can check out for you?

Hi Jahongir.

I think part of my problem was I wrote this with the idea of it being a kids story, but didn't put enough effort into that coming across. The 'message' is that kids should listen to their parents, by not doing so Derfel gets into trouble. Not sure having lions and a crocodile attacking a child is the best way to go about this though.

Thanks for your review.

hey Arty,

my apologies for the delay. the spring fashion season has officially arrived and i've been swamped at work. regardless, this review is a long time coming. let's dive right in.

p1
pretty good descriptions. definitely feel like i'm in kruger national park.

on the fence about describing Muminah as Alakai's "wife." animals really don't have these titles. then again, they dont talk either.

DERFEL
I hate you! I hate you!!
^seems a bit on the nose, even for a kid...i mean young buffalo

p2
Tianna threw a wrench in my read. had to reread the second page. then i realized she was a lion as well. in fact the second page is a bit awkard. it's hard to know where we're at and who knows what at any given time.

A LION'S PAW PRINT

p3
would make the alligator a bit of a surpise. like it came out of nowhere.

p4
DERFEL
Please let me go! I’m so scared. I
just want my mummy!
^Mommy? also a bit on the nose, but it's excusable this time

perfect timing for the alligator to come in. nice touch.

TIANNA (CONT’D)
What the hell was that?! Did you
see that?
LEAH
Get your head in the game dammit!
^remove the swearing. i imagine this short being an animation for kids, but more on that later

p5
eh, not a fan of this added tension and overall dynamic. i guess it gives reasoning to the events that happened in the video, but i can't imagine it playing out like this. i would even have the father run in, telling the mother to stay behind.

Defiant Muminah turns. She fights back the tears, moves on.
^no need for "fights back the tears." in fact, i've noticed little pieces of over direction in the script. no need to tell your "actors" what to feel. your dialogue already does this.

MUMINAH
You swore an oath to protect me
once. It was the happiest day of my
life. Goodbye, Alakai.
^now i'm definitely not feeling this. all i could imagine was a silly wedding with a buffalo in a wedding dress.

p6
MUMINAH
You swore an oath to protect me
once. It was the happiest day of my
life. Goodbye, Alakai.
^lions always have the cheesiest jokes

Zane’s mouth falls open.
^i laughed when i pictured this in my head

why didnt Alakai's logic apply to his son?

p8
ALAKAI
I commend your bravery, but you’d
be stupid to stick around.
^his actions kind of contradict this. furthermore, the lions tried to kill Al's son.

not a fan of that last bit at the very end

no need for THE END. you're missing a fade out.

alright, i'm done. so overall, i thought this was a decent writing exercise. still not a fan of the title nor did i like the actual youtube clip (but that's not your fault). i actually saw the clip years ago and was just "meh" about the whole thing. but that's neither here nor there. you've got decent writing chops and except for page 2, everything flowed really nicely. so no worries there. my biggest concern is the characterization/personification of specific animals. some things were a bit too cheesy for me. and i think it's important to keep a target audience in mind. who exactly is this geared towards? because it's a bit too violent for kids and the dialogue is too shallow for adults. personally, i would aim for this to be an animated kid's short. as much as i hate to say it, you'll have to dial down the cynicism and violence.

just my two cents. hope this helps. keep up the good work. this was pretty good overall.

Arty,

I saw your logline and immediately knew what you were basing this on.  Battle at Kruger is a spectacular scene and I think it's cool you wrote something based off it.

There were two things here that I felt were working against it.  The first is the dialogue.  I skimmed through the previous posts and saw that you thought of this as a kid's movie, which is cool.  But the dialogue just doesn't flow well from the heroes, the villains, or the kid calf.  It's just very routine and bland and unfortunately everyone talks the same way so I can't really say so-and-so was more exciting than someone else.  

The other thing, and this stuck out to me more because of how I felt about the dialogue, is that the description, while written fine, again left a bit to be desired.  The combo of the description and the dialogue just doesn't bring that excitement that you get from watching the video.  Realistically I think if you really go over the dialogue then what I'm writing now will be a non-factor.  But one of these two things I think could use a brush over and it should probably be the dialogue.  

I love the concept, I really do.  Kruger is one of my favorite videos on YouTube so I'm interested to see what you do with this.  Maybe throw in some humor, too.  Give the croc a name and personality.  Maybe have that British lady in the caravan going "OH MY!"  Just some thoughts.

Best of luck.  I really do like the concept.

Greg

Thanks for the reviews Albino and Gregg.

Albino.

Because he was a kid I was hoping to be able to get away with the dialogue a little, but the dialogue is my main problem it would seem so I'm looking to improve on this.

The second page is certainly one of the places that would benefit from mini slugs, which will be added to a re-write.

I kind of liked having the croc seen just as a figure first, then attacking later. It was meant to add a little extra menace to him, or the situation at least. But something for me to consider.

For me it is 'mummy'. Us English don't use 'mom' or 'mommy'. Also 'mom' doesn't quite sit right with me. Just a personal hatred of the word, for some reason it grates on me in a big way.

To me none of the words are swear words, but things like this will help me learn for future reference. And for the record is the swear word 'hell' or 'dammit' or both? I genuinely do not know.

The part about fighting back the tears, does the word 'defiant' also come into the over directing category? I guess I just try to add a bit more life to the story, but will look to work on this.

When Zanes mouth falls open, did you laugh in a good or a bad way? It actually amused me as I pictured it in my head, but in a good way. Maybe this wasn't the case for you?

The reason he lets her go is because he is being the bigger man, if you will. Because in my head it was a kids story the message is, err, to be the bigger man/forgiveness. Also Leah leaving teaches to know when to walk away. Or at least that's what I was going for.

As for 'THE END' I'm sure I saw somewhere that you can finish a script with that and nothing else, but perhaps not, so lesson learned.

Glad overall you thought it was 'pretty good'. Sometime in the future I hope to get you to exchange the word 'pretty' for 'very'. We shall see. Also, one last thing, what is it about the title you don't like? And if it were your script, what would it be instead?

Greg.

It appears that my dialogue is the biggest problem I have. I genuinely thought I had done pretty good with it, now I know differently. An idea I'm now toying with is to have a narrator with VO instead of the animals talking, it could work better but we shall see. For now it's just an idea, maybe I'll do one with the dialogue improved, one with a narrator and pick my favourite.

I did think about giving the crocodile a name and personality, he even had a line at one point. I just liked the idea he was more of a silent assassin I guess, but something to consider.

Adding a bit of humour was something I considered but didn't think it would work for the message I was going for. I'm now starting to think about a complete re-write where it's more based on the clip rather than copied from the clip, so I may be able to add a little something in there somewhere.

Glad you liked the concept with this. For me it's one of, if not the best clip I've ever seen. Just the odds of the situation make it incredible. Attacked by lions and a crocodile at the same time and to live? Not to mention there happens to be a guy at that exact spot with a camera. It blows my mind.

Cheers for your time guys, much appreciated.

Arty, I love the title.

I've already seen that reviewers have commented on the need for some Slugs/Mini Slugs and I agree.

As for the dialogue, mmm I'm kind of torn here. I thought it could have been better but then it's an animation and I guess aimed at the younger audience so in that respect it's okay. Not sure the theme is good for kids though lol.

Overall, I liked it.  It was a nice quick read but it did have a bit of cheese at the end.

Hey Alffy.

Yeah the mini slugs will be added to the future draft(s). I had them in originally but took them out to make it shorter which was a mistake.

As for the dialogue the general consensus seems to be it needs work. As I had a kids story in mind I guess I thought it would hold up the way it is, and although you didn't hate it it can be worked on for sure.

I wrote the ending to be cheesy. It seemed like a good way to finish. I'm still a bit torn on it, part of me loves it but part of me isn't sure. Also I couldn't really come up with anything better so it seemed a good way to go.

Glad you liked it overall, it's always a bonus to know I appear to be on the right track with my writing, now I just need to be better.

Thanks for your time.

Hey ADY

Managed to get around to reading this, although didn't have the chance to make notes so this is from memory.

Title - i'm a bit so so on this. It is descriptive but at the same time a bit clunky. Would be interested to see whats others were possible. e.g. "Thiner, Wiser", "An African Tug of War".

Concept - i thought i had cornered the market in short scripts that won't be filmed but you may have topped me with this. Buffalo, Lions and crocodile, altogether, oh and also in Africa. Other than that, easy peasy.

I haven't read the other posts but my overriding thoughts are

1] the tug of war is the main story so needs more drama and tension and emphasis. slow it down, stretch the emotions.

2] Sorry, didn't like the ending, this respect element didn't work for me. i would have preferred,  I'll see you next time" style finish, etc

Otherwise an enjoyable story.

cheers

bill

I meant to read this when it first came out, but the link was broken for a while. Then I kept seeing it on the portal, and for some reason, the name kind of has a draw to it. Very distinct.

I'm not sure what think of the story, to be honest. I know that's not helpful. It did manage to create some tension, so for this type of story, that's pretty neat.

I'm not really sure what the intended audience is here. Is this for kids? I guess it's designed to convey certain morals, such as obedience, loyalty, honor, duty, love, compassion.

Only question: why is the croc smiling? the meal got away!

as soon as the croc showed up i remembered this incident from watching it a few months ago on Youtube. very impressive clip.... i watched it a couple times actually completely shocked.

its actually i believe the most watched "animal attack" video on the web. i think it had something like 2 million views?

anyway.... your discripts are well written. kind of the opposite problem i have.

the ending lacked a little bit i think - the suprise in that video is the baby buffalo was alive when we all thought he was dead....you should elude that in your script. there needs to be more tension in the standoff.

it's your dialogue i suggest you keep working on. its a bit on-the-nose and stilted in spots...overritten too. with action driven stories, sometimes less is more. just takes practice.

my two cents. for whats it worth.

Hey Arty.

I haven't been able to get online much lately, but I saw the title to this one and immediately printed it out so I could read it later.  So great job on the title.  It really jumps out.

Taking a read through some other comments, I won't harp on the same subjects everybody has been bringing up, about the dialogue and the slugs for when the lioness' are stalking.  Though they are right.

Not having the slugs there kind of threw the picture out of my head of what was going on.  We need a little more clarification on who's what and where.

As for the dialogue, I think Penoyer said it best when he said it was a bit on-the-nose and stilted in places.  IN PLACES being the key words there.  A lot of the dialogue fit and wasn't bad, but the lines that were on-the-nose really stuck out.

I think the descriptions (except for the non-slug use) were great and put a clear picture in my head.

FOR THE MOST PART.  By that, I mean that I don't know if you meant this to be as an animation cartoon or computer-generized cartoon or live-action or documentary with voiceovers.  (I read this before I ever knew about the 'Battle of Kruger' youtube clip, though.)  Because I didn't know about that clip, I was lost as to how to picture it, as cartoon or live-action.

I also noted in my head the violence.  I noted before that there was too much violence done to the poor baby buffalo and it came off as totally unbelievable that he would ever survive anything like that.  After watching the youtube clip just now, you can scratch that.  I'll just admit that I have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to violence.

As for the fact that it was a youtube clip first and you based it off that, I gotta say you were pretty clever to come up with a story behind the attack.  I'm assuming this was only done as an exercise in writing, but good job nonetheless.

- Mark