The Lightship by Peter Gartner (peterthemodest) - Horror, Comedy - Do vampires exist, or is the captain of the lightship insane? 67 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Peter,

See your from Manchester, who do you go for, City or United?

Anyway, I checked this out but couldn't get past page 1 I'm afraid.

Download Celtx which will help you and then upload this in pdf format.

Are you around to reply to any feedback?

Best of luck. :)

Steve

It seems the pagination has got messed up. It was okay when the script was uploaded. I wonder if this happens often as I have looked at another script on this site and it does not have numbered pages. Apologies for this. When the script is revised, I might do it without numbering the pages.

Hi there...

Started reading this. Format problems and typos right out of the starting gate....Agree with Steve on getting a script writing softward and Celtx, I think, is free.

Story...first it starts out with two guys playing cards. Anyone that knows how to play cards, especially for money, knows about bluffing. That was unbelievable IMO. Also, if you want to get a reader interested in your story, you've got to have something 'more' than two guys playing cards, talking about bluffing as your opening image.

The dialogue doesn't seem natural at all and goes on for pages when you could have used a couple of actions to show what has happened over many pages of four word dialogue blurbs. They talk about the card thing and bluffing for two pages..then the dialogue about the 'noise' goes on for at least two pages, when instead of all that 'talk' about the noise...you could have had one sentence that described the noise they heard. The script kind of lost me after that, sorry.

I think my best advice is to read a lot of scripts and then keep trying.

Needs tightening up, for sure, but it's worth sticking with, if you can get to the twist.

Wordy. Drags on in dialog. Maybe a skit, not a movie. Page 21 and no twist. Not sure it's worth it. However, you did build some curiosity with the bobbing head thing. I just don't think it'll be worth staying in for.

I gave this a quick glance - up to page 10 to give it a fair go - even though there was a multitude of formatting issues (and I usually don't complain about them but the page numbers in the middle of the page really aggravated me).  Please get screenwriting software Peter if you expect people to read your script.  

My comments on the first 10 pages are:

- Far too much dialogue with no subtext or interest.  These characters would never hold my attention and I didn't like either of them.  
- No clear opening signal.  I'm not sure what type of script I'm reading and I should know that on the first page.
- Don't ever do things like this in dialogue "stooooooopid" -- describe it instead.

                              CRAIG
                    But I did it to a stupid person. A stupid
                                         (he drags out the word)
                    person. Don’tcha reckon it’s fair, stupid

Other people will argue that my suggestion isn't the right way but that's the nature of the game.  Listen to them if you want but don't use dialogue like this. "stooooooopid"  and especially not like this "Noooooooooo!"  (you probably have one of those No's in your script, don't you?)

Anyway, there was no way I was going to continue reading with the script in it's present state.  Do some editing.  Remove what isn't essential (much of the dialogue)  and get some screenwriting software so that it is formatted correctly.  Then I'll read it.

Hope that helps.

Cheers,

Michael



  

I didn't read this, but I have two comments.

1. The title doesn't sound like horror.

2. I started scrolling through the script. I noticed there's a lot of dialogue. So, as an experiment, I deleted all of the dialogue from the first 25 pages. You know how much was left? Two and a half pages. The first 25 pages are literally 90% dialogue. That's way too much. This is supposed to be a horror movie, not a radio play.

A lot of it is completely pointless, like this:

Quoted Text                               CRAIG                     We don’t hafta do nothin’. This don’t                     concern us.                               DOUG                     It don’t ?                               CRAIG                     No. It don’t.                               DOUG                     Must be a boat…out there…on the water.                     Gotta do something’.                               CRAIG                          No, we don’t.                               DOUG                     So, what do we do ?                               CRAIG                     Nothin’.                               DOUG                     Nothin’ - ?                               CRAIG                     Nothin’. We sit here and do nothin’.

These characters are literally talking about whether or not to do nothing.

This is all good advice, which will be incorporated into the next draft. Thanks. fellas, but someone should try to read it to the end to see if the idea has potential.

The script should start with the image of the lightship itself, with a suggestion that something odd is going on there, with the bobbing heads at first indistinct, then one of them is exposed in the moonlight to show it bloodied.

Then we might pan towards the wharehouse where the longshoremen are. How much camera directions can be allowed ? Can you put "We pan to..." in a acript ?

Peter, I doubt anyone is going to read the entire script the way it's written.  It's pretty bad.  The dialogue is terrible.  The characters continually repeat the same thing that whoever they're talking with just said.  It's almost like a pisser or comedy.

As to the question about direction in a script, the answer is ZERO.  Don't put any camera direction in your script.  It's not your job.  And, more importantly, you're most likely not qualified to know how to direct and film a movie.  Start with the writing...master that...then you can worry about camera shots and the like.

Good luck.  Read some scripts in here.  Provide your comments and learn in the process.  It's a Quid Pro Quo kind of place.  To get reads, you need to give reads.

A lot of the dialogue will be excised from the next draft.

The second draft will appear in a week or so. It will be better than the first, but still need feedback for further improvements.

Peter, you have to give feedback to get feedback.  have you read and commented on any scripts in here yet?  I don't think you have.  You need to get with the program.

Had a look at "Customer Service" and left a comment. Will have a look at some others. Not being technically knowledgeable, I can only comment on if I found the premise plausible and stuff like that.

Also had a look at "The Oscillation". I guess if you become a critic it helps you to criticise your own work and improve it before other people do.

Guys, have a look at "The Fountain of Youth". It has had no comments so far. It actually makes you want to read on, and see what's going to happen. Might learn from it.

Read the whole of "The Fountain of Youth". Really good script, the best I've seen on here.

Hey Peter,

Good on you for reading scripts but you don't have to leave a running commentary of what you're reading. People will see you making an effort.

I tried to read the first 10 pages of this I honestly I did but like one reviewer already stated, there's too much dialogue and it isn't the best. I would scrap this for now, put it away for a few months and maybe write a short and learn to develop your action.

You're in the best place to learn.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

The second draft is now up.

I've seen some of the feedback here, so I thought I give this a look.

You made a couple of comments like you're insistent that people will love the twist at the end, if only they'd go read that far.

Kinda like telling some starving guy there's a really good restaurant on the other side of the motorway.

I've got some sympathy, as I had a feeling that there may be a good film here, struggling to get out - but if so, then this is the mother of all labors.

I can only go with what I saw, so:

## In the distance, a lightship which appears as a silhouette against the horizon. As the light from the moon catches the deck of the lightship ...
-- I got the feeling you were conjuring up a really nice image here -  but my problem with it was -

1) Being one of the less intelligent members of the boards, I've not got a clue what a lightship is - so I think it needs some description.

2) One second we're a distance away from the ship - the next we're on the deck. I get the image, and I like it - I'm just not sure about the way you're bringing it across.

## maybe a bit smaller than a soccer ball ...
-- Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Who knows? This just strikes me as passive, bland, writing - as the writer, if anyone knows, it should be you - I think maybe try and go for a more bold style - so it's the size of a football - or it ain't.

DOUG and Craig - one in CAPS one not - and we spend some time with these guys, so I really think some of description is needed.

Doug and Craig - quite a bit of their dialogue is 'agreeable' - really lacked some tension, conflict etc

## When they have finished, the men go out ...
-- You don't say what they are doing. If they just dumped some crates down - then say that.

It really needs some proper formatting too - Final Draft sorts it out nicely (tested it), so you might want to think about something like that?

Maybe you should try cutting some more of the dialogue -- there's still quite a bit of it that is not needed.

But it's all about re-writing, eh?

Best of luck with it.

Simon

I know it's already been stated, but my main problem with this script is the dialogue.
Redundant. You have nearly an entire page where the characters debate whether they should do something... or just do "nothing".
Your characters aren't as active as they could be.
I'll leave the rest of the critiques to the other guys.

I've read your very problematic first draft. Now that you've improved on it, I'll read this one, and try to get back to you in about 24 hours.

I see exactly what you are going for.  Dry staccato-type humor.  And in short spurts, some of it actually works for me.  However, 69 pages of it is too long.  I tired to stick it out for the twist, but like the OWL in the Tootsie Pop commercial, I skipped to the end.  The twist is okay, but not exciting, and the ending didn't leave me feeling anything in particular.

I think this needs to be cut down.  Too much bland exposition.  Make it shorter, sharper and more clear in the description department.  As Simon said, it jumps from a ship on the horizon to 'the deck'.  That threw me as well.  Shorter, sharper and give the dialog some punch.

I didn't see the first draft, so I have no baseline, but this draft has issues as well.  The margins seem to vary from time to time.  Not justified and ragged, the left margin actually changes ever now and then, and you have some odd spacing between the end words in some sentences. The last word is spaced way out.  It looks like you may have applied some template and tweaked it a bit?  Not sure, but it still needs some work.