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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Comedy Scripts  /  Bank On Me
Posted by: Don, May 22nd, 2012, 10:01pm
Bank On Me by Michael Kuser - Comedy, Romance - A New York investment banker is sentenced to a year of community service teaching in a small town, where he has to choose between riding the old gravy train and winning the woman he loves. 113 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Forgive, May 26th, 2012, 7:13pm; Reply: 1
I think your writing style is good - and in particular, I really liked the opening - I thought that was clever and imaginative - but somehow - your loathing of 'A' and 'The' - you just don't use them at all, really starts to distract from the story too much. I don't know why you are doing this??
Posted by: kingcooky555, May 26th, 2012, 7:51pm; Reply: 2
It was good, until I hit page 5 and you open every paragraph with "We." I think you got a good high concept here, but you've got to clean up the first ten pages. No "We" and shorter paragraphs.

A lot of readers would have stopped by page 10. Fix the structure so that the reader will stop focusing on it and focus on the story instead.
Posted by: nybabz, June 23rd, 2012, 11:07am; Reply: 3
This script may be done but's it's nowhwere near market ready and I so wanted to ge through it. I could do what the writer did in NINETY pages. A and THE are rarely if ever used in scripts and that presents a reader with "oh, man. No lunch break for me today." You may seriously want to cut this way BACK. Give it to a screenwriter friend you trust. There seems to be a 'gee, look how well I can present' versus what it should be; story.

It's NOTHING you can't handle.
Respectfully,
BABZ
From BABZ Buzz.

ps when and if you do rewrites, BEAT IT OUT and get coverage. You may be glad you did. I think you have something marketable here!
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