Bank On Me by Michael Kuser - Comedy, Romance - A New York investment banker is sentenced to a year of community service teaching in a small town, where he has to choose between riding the old gravy train and winning the woman he loves. 113 pages - pdf, format

I think your writing style is good - and in particular, I really liked the opening - I thought that was clever and imaginative - but somehow - your loathing of 'A' and 'The' - you just don't use them at all, really starts to distract from the story too much. I don't know why you are doing this??

It was good, until I hit page 5 and you open every paragraph with "We." I think you got a good high concept here, but you've got to clean up the first ten pages. No "We" and shorter paragraphs.

A lot of readers would have stopped by page 10. Fix the structure so that the reader will stop focusing on it and focus on the story instead.

This script may be done but's it's nowhwere near market ready and I so wanted to ge through it. I could do what the writer did in NINETY pages. A and THE are rarely if ever used in scripts and that presents a reader with "oh, man. No lunch break for me today." You may seriously want to cut this way BACK. Give it to a screenwriter friend you trust. There seems to be a 'gee, look how well I can present' versus what it should be; story.

It's NOTHING you can't handle.
Respectfully,
BABZ
From BABZ Buzz.

ps when and if you do rewrites, BEAT IT OUT and get coverage. You may be glad you did. I think you have something marketable here!