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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Bank On Me Moderators: bert
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  Author    Bank On Me  (currently 1619 views)
Don
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Bank On Me by Michael Kuser - Comedy, Romance - A New York investment banker is sentenced to a year of community service teaching in a small town, where he has to choose between riding the old gravy train and winning the woman he loves. 113 pages - pdf, format


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Forgive
Posted: May 26th, 2012, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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I think your writing style is good - and in particular, I really liked the opening - I thought that was clever and imaginative - but somehow - your loathing of 'A' and 'The' - you just don't use them at all, really starts to distract from the story too much. I don't know why you are doing this??
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kingcooky555
Posted: May 26th, 2012, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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It was good, until I hit page 5 and you open every paragraph with "We." I think you got a good high concept here, but you've got to clean up the first ten pages. No "We" and shorter paragraphs.

A lot of readers would have stopped by page 10. Fix the structure so that the reader will stop focusing on it and focus on the story instead.
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nybabz
Posted: June 23rd, 2012, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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This script may be done but's it's nowhwere near market ready and I so wanted to ge through it. I could do what the writer did in NINETY pages. A and THE are rarely if ever used in scripts and that presents a reader with "oh, man. No lunch break for me today." You may seriously want to cut this way BACK. Give it to a screenwriter friend you trust. There seems to be a 'gee, look how well I can present' versus what it should be; story.

It's NOTHING you can't handle.
Respectfully,
BABZ
From BABZ Buzz.

ps when and if you do rewrites, BEAT IT OUT and get coverage. You may be glad you did. I think you have something marketable here!
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