Frustrations with exes and whys by Daneil Botha  - Short, Comedy - A teenage boy struggles through an algebra exam. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

I thought it was written fairly well but there were a few typos that need to be fixed. I found the story itself to be lacking and pretty boring though. It just wasn't very engaging to me and I found no point to the story. The kid just hates algebra. I get it. I think it needs some sort of conflict and resolution instead of just whining about how much he hates math. That's my take on it anyway.

This is something that may be better to read than to watch. At four pages, it would be difficult to sit through. Perhaps it would work if it was more visual?

Hello Daniel,

I assume this story was something you may have lived through and can relate to.

There are many of us who probably have encountered the same through school and were totally confused with Algebra and can relate to your story.

For some reason this reminds me of the boy from the series "Wonder Years" as he seems to have a similar personality.

Apart from a few typo's I feel you should give the girl (15) a name to give the character a personality.

Where is the teacher ?? I think during a test the teacher should at least give some reaction to any students that dissrupt the test.

I also feel that this could be part of a bigger picture, like a series about this boy's life and school, similar to "Wonder Years" though you would need dozens of similar scripts combined.

I enjoyed reading it though it would also be nice if something exciting happened at the end to bring the scene to life ??

Regards Alex

Hey guys.

This one was written as a personal joke between me and some friends.

No doubt there's a number of problems with this one, including my name being spelled wrong... my mistake.

This isn't anything too serious. Just something written to pass the time.

Thanks for the feedback, though.

Daniel

Quoted from Alex_212 Where is the teacher ?? I think during a test the teacher should at least give some reaction to any students that dissrupt the test.

Excellent point, Alex!

Never noticed that before!

I admit I got a bit lazy with this one... I just wanted to write SOMETHING at the time, so I just started writing.

It's not meant to be anything special...

I have to agree with Alex here and say this feels like part of something bigger. I can almost see the title card after the bell rings.  You seem to have a decent character in Devin but the story doesn't back it up.

His dialogue/V.O. is pretty funny and it reminded me of the stupid questions from exams...even back in my day we had questions that seem to make no sense at all and certainly had no place in Maths exams.

I see you say you just wanted to write something and I can agree with you that sometimes you get the urge to be creative and that's good.  Maybe this is something you can come back to when you get that urge again?

Agreed with Alffy.  You can do a lot with this: the character is already well established and engaging.  Maybe you could expand on this...?

Hey Daniel,
This was well done. It brought back a few bad memories of high school math class. Devin's V.O. of question #2 and his last V.O. had me laughing.
Good choice in having every single student other than Devin seem to be having an easy time with the test.
Nate

Thanks everyone!

Alffy and AsteriodJuice - Glad you liked the main character. I was thinking of making this into a series of shorts based around Devin. It wouldn't be anything too grand, but I'm interested to see how far I could take this...

Nate - Great to hear that you were able to relate to this one. I thought of the idea when I was supposed to be writing an algebra exam. Yeah, I'm not the greatest with maths...

Cheers everyone.

Daniel

let's have a look see. read your comment about this being a "personal joke" so i'm a little weary off the bat. inside jokes are funny to everyone!

p1

alright first few lines of descriptors could be scaled back a bit. you have some extra words/phrases that really don't matter to the script. just say Devin glances at a clock. really doesnt matter that it's on the far away wall.

name the girl

not a huge fan of VO's but sometimes they work. i'll know by the end if it was an effective method of telling the story.

p2

Devin circles the algebraic symbol that stands for ’equal or
bigger than.’ He puts a line through the question, moving
on.
^apparently Devin's pretty stupid. i mean REALLY stupid. phrases like "moving on" doesnt isn't a visual phrase and should therefore be avoided. show, dont tell.

Is
D.I.Y. honestly that hard these
days?
^does he say "DIY" in his head or does he say "do it yourself?" if it's the latter, then write it out.

hate to say this, but i'm growing weary of this script. it's not very clever or entertaining. it's a bit laboring to get through.

p3

beats don't mean pause. not sure if you meant it that way, but figured you should know. they're often employed incorrectly.

where is the teacher in all of this?

where does this friend come from? what does he look like and what's his name?

p4

He smiles as he writes ’1 Devin + 1 Algebra test = One
confused teenage kid.’
^really?

finished. alright, so you're new so i'm not going to tear you a new one. this story really doesnt have a point. and it certainly doesnt have a punchline. its just some frustrated kid having a cliched tirade against algebra. there's no conflict, no arc, no story.

either add some substance or scrap it. i like writing sketches too but they have to be humorous. for being a newbie, your writing isnt bad. it's not great and it definitely needs work. but you're not too far from the mark.

Hi Dan - third and last ... there's obviously some creative talent going on here - I just think your subject matter needs to be more worthy - as part of a wider story this could have happily sat on one page ... but it needs to be part of a bigger story. You don't like algebra - that's the story - so why put us through so much of it?

Keep writing - I know there's more to come from you & this is all part of the learning process.

Simon

Thanks guys for the feedback!

albinopenguin - I'm a bit confused with your comments with Devin being stupid. I was wondering how you came to that conclusion? The reason I ask, is because Devin is supposed to be a smart kid who just can't do algebra. I didn't want that idea of him being stupid to come across.

As Devin's friend is a minor character, I didn't see it necessary to add unnecessary description to a script that's meant to be short and sweet. I thought at the time of writing it, that it would be a waste of space.

The ending is a bit off, I know. Sorry about that.

As to scrapping the script... not going to happen. I don't see the point on spending time on a script only to give up on it. That leaves me with the option of making it better, then.

SImon - "There's obviously some creative talent going on here..." - Thank You! I'm in full agreement with the story of this one.

And there is more to come from me, soon. At the moment I'm brainstorming a bunch of ideas. I should have a re-write on 'Culture Shock' up really soon, provided I've gone through the re-sub process correctly.

Daniel

Hey Daniel,

What can I say, it wasn’t a great start when I saw you had miss-spelt your name in the logline and things didn’t get better once I opened the script sorry to say.

Writing was okay but there was no premise, story here…it was pretty boring to be honest. So a kid doesn’t like algebra, join the club.

Look I had to look back through the feedback to make sure I hadn’t missed something and see you wrote this a personal joke, maybe you would like to share the joke?

Not much more to say on this one.

I would like to see a story with more meat on the bone from you, if you know what I mean.

Take it easy. :)

Steve

Thanks Steve

It seems with my writing I either have the story that isn't executed well in the writing, or no story with well-executed writing. I think it's about time I had a script that delivered on both sides.

Thanks for getting back to me on this one

Daniel

4 pages of a kid doing a math test....Not exactly my thing, although I do understand the kids frustration and the writing was pretty good, overall ok

Mark

Quoted from danbotha I think it's about time I had a script that delivered on both sides.

You and me both, mate. ;D

Hi Daniel,

This was pretty well written, but unfortunately I'm going to have to agree with what others have said in that it doesn't really work as a short. It would be fine as a scene in a longer script, but as a stand-alone short it is lacking in humour or charm and ultimately doesn't really seem to have much of a point. I picked up on a few things that could be changed to help the script read better:


Page 1

The character description:

'DEVIN MARCUS (15), brown hair, regular build, sits at a desk in a quiet classroom. His school uniform is worn, creased and scruffy.'

Including the character's hair colour and build is totally redundant here as it has no bearing on the rest of the script. Adding something about how he is sat would tell us more about the character than including his hair colour. For example:

'DEVIN MARCUS (15), sits slouched at a desk in a quiet classroom. His school uniform is worn, creased and scruffy.'

---------------

'Devin looks behind him, at a GIRL (15) who writes neatly on her page.' - If you don't want to give the girl an actual name or description, you should at least name her in a way that tells us more about her. By simply naming her BOOKISH GIRL or SWOTTY GIRL instantly gives the reader a better picture of the character.

---------------

'He opens the test booklet, beginning to read.' - Not only have you used a dreaded 'ing' word, but this sentence also reads awkwardly. You don't really even need to tell us that he's started to read - 'He opens the test booklet' would be enough.


Page 2

'Devin circles the algebraic symbol that stands for 'equal or bigger than.' He puts a line through the question, moving on.' - Another sentence that reads awkwardly & contains an 'ing' word. Do we really need to know what the symbol stands for?

'Devin circles the algebraic symbol,puts a line through the question and moves on.' - This tells us everything we need to know & reads a lot better.

---------------

'He turns the page of the booklet, reading.' - Again, we don't really need to be told that he's reading. 'He turns the page of the booklet' is enough information.

---------------

'He stops with the reading, looking up.' - Another sentence that reads awkwardly & contains an 'ing' word. 'He stops reading and looks up.' reads a lot better.


Page 3

'Devin looks up, clearly frustrated. He glares at nothing in particular.' - Him 'glaring at nothing in particular' is totally redundant and doesn't really make sense. If you want to get across that he's angry, 'Devin looks up, glowering, clearly frustrated.' would work better.

---------------

'The Friend sniggers, returning to his test.' - Another awkward sentence & an 'ing' word. 'The Friend sniggers and returns to his test.' makes more sense.


Page 4

'1 Devin + 1 Algebra test = One confused teenage kid.' - would he really refer to himself as a 'teenage kid'? It seems very clunky. 'One confused teenager' or 'One confused kid' would work better.



I also noticed that in several places you have dialogue blocks split over pages. When this happens, the second part of the dialogue should be headed 'DEVIN (V.O) (CONT'D)'. Also, dialogue should never be split mid-sentence.


I hope this helps in some way.

Thanks Steve for the feedback on this one. You raised some valid points regarding the 'ing' words that I use.

Appreciate the read

Daniel

Dan,

Have you written a feature lenght yet? Or you just don't feel to have it up here in SS? Or are you working on one now?

Just curious 'cause your writing aren't bad, maybe a few issues but good, though.

As for me, I can deliver a hundred pages or so in a month if I don't care about the language usage in the script, grammars issue for example. I think I need to colaborate with another writer, otherwise my script(s) will never get to be polished.

I like the way you decribe the actions in those scripts of yours. It's very moving compare to mine(Visit). I used to write a few other short scripts before the Visit but I felt they were too immature and simply trashed them. And here come the Visit giving me the same result. Honestly, I wasn't amazed by your stories because I can come up with a lot better ideas. What impressed me the most was your writing description.

You and others were right, I should read others' scripts to get the idea of writing but hell, I diss it when end up reading a shitty script because I don't stop reading even if it is shitty. That's wierd about me. When I started, I don't stop until finish it. That's why you found me hard to read other peeps' scripts. I mostly read the already produced scripts And most of them are shooting scripts.

Well, your latest script kind of insults me, though. Because I loved algebra. It was my favorite 'cause I found it very exciting after solved the problem. And yet, I never got an A, ever. B at most. Maybe the teacher didn't like me. Lolz... Anyway, why didn't you give the girl a name? Lolz... I was like WTH! Is that girl named GIRL? After I finished it, NO! she didn't own a name because the author is an A-hole, lmao. Over all is good, though. Again, I'm impressed with your description.

JRyans.

Hey James

I haven't written a feature length film just yet. The plan at the moment is to get my foot in the door with short films. I've read up that it's best to just work away at that until you really get that whole success thing going. I am currently brainstorming a feature length set in South Africa during the apartheid years, so that should be interesting.

Quoted from JR After I finished it, NO! she didn't own a name because the author is an A-hole, lmao. Over all is good, though. Again, I'm impressed with your description. JRyans.

Yes. I'm an A-hole because I didn't give one of my characters a name... lol. Let me explain myself there. The Girl in the script is a minor character, therefore I didn't see the point in naming her. That has always been my view on it. I think this is the perfect opportunity to mention that I'm terrible with names and I've always had trouble naming them. It is for this reason that I avoid naming characters that I don't have to.

Thanks for the read, James

Daniel

Hey Daniel, I too have a strong hatred for algebra so I got a kick out of this. I do think it could use a stronger ending and could be a little more fleshed out, but overall I think the writing is solid and as a fellow math hater, I could definitely relate to it, good job.

Hey Ectoplasm

Thanks for the read!

Glad to see you enjoyed it. This is one of my 'fun' pieces, meaning I didn't write it as a serious script. Just wanted to write something, so I thought why not take it out on math :P

Daniel

Dan the Man. I'm not as critical of this effort as others seem to be. I thought it showed the character's personality quite well.

The use of the voice over is something I'm off and on about. Wonder Years, Stand By Me, The Middle, V.O. is used to grand effect. I'm going to offer a piece of advice that I hope you consider. Make this the teaser to a half hour television comedy. If you've seen Raising Hope or The Middle, you'll know what I'm envisioning.

Unless the protagonist is Average for a reason, don't make him average. If he is wearing worn clothes, make a point of the other students wearing perfectly pressed clothes. This will automatically make us wonder why this is the case (loner? Poor? just got beat up? Was late to the exam? Skateboard bum?)

There is a line that I think was too bland for this kid:

No, I seriously hate algebra. If
there was a way of abolishing it
from our school system, I would
quite happily do so.

I think it should be something outrageous like:

No, I seriously hate algebra. If algebra were
a puppy drowning in a puddle of dog-eating
piranha, I might push it under, with a smile.

I also wonder at the end where he writes something on his book for his teacher and tells her to solve it. Actually he solved it himself by putting what the equation equals.  I think a better ending might be that he sees a fairly simple bonus question that (oh my God) he thinks he knows the answer to - then the bell rings before he touches his pencil to paper.

Overall, I don't usually read shorts, but I liked this one because I saw the promise of a T.V. series.

Good luck with it, lark or not.

Paul

Hey Paul,

Thank you for providing some feedback on this one. It's probably one of my worst shorts, as it definitely needs the most work.

I usually don't like the use of voiceovers either, but I found that it was the best technique to use in this one. You have some good ideas on this one and I'll definitely have a look at making some of those suggested changes.

Thanks, again. Always appreciate it :)

Daniel

I actually laughed when i read the opening lines and saw it was about algebra, because when i first read the title it made me think it was about breaking up with girls - exes and whys.

As far as I could tell (lmfao - that doesn't say much) the writing seemed pretty tight. But yeah, the story was - well i kept expecting it to go somewhere. Your man V.O.s his responses to the questions and then takes the mick out of them (internal monologue that's happening during the exam i'm a guess), but to be fair the "humorously practical solution to a story-ed up math question" has been done a fair bit already and for me, after the first time it doesn't stand up to another couple of repetitions.

Plus (and I hate myself for asking this) did you make those questions up or get them out of an actual book? If the first one, then do the second one. If the second one, my maths is more rusty than I realised.

However I'm also with you on not scrapping a script if it can be improved. So my mistaken assumptions about the subject matter, combined with your man's flirt with lassie behind him - I kept expecting some sort of subtle love/break-up story. The questions could be changed to be about a date –

“Frank has $17 to pay for his date with Sue. Cinema tickets cost $4.75. Pop-corn costs $2 small, $4 medium, $6 large. Coke normally costs 75% of popcorn, but if you buy a coke and pop-corn the same size, the coke is only %50 the price of the corn.

Sue and Frank both want pop-corn but Sue wants a bucket to herself. If Frank gets Sue a large bucket of pop-corn, and he gets a medium for himself, what is the largest coke they can share and how much change will Frank have for Sue’s bus home?”

[oh my head hurts like hell now – and I still have no idea if the q makes mathematical sense].

The next question about the time it takes for Sue to ride the bus/Frank to walk to their homes.

Then one about length of time on phones and tariffs ... or some such.

And each q prompts a different response from Devin ->

If she’s an “ex, and why?” there’s an enigma about their break up (with Devin/Girl and Frank/Sue either paralleling or contrasting) which might give the story a bit more bite.

Hey Marriot,

Not gonna lie, this one is probably going to be left as it is. Personally, I don't really see the point in working on a story I hate with a passion.

The questions are based on an algebra exam I wrote earlier in the year, so yeah your maths may be a bit rusty. If it's any consolation, I failed the exam, but saw some great opportunity to base a script on that experience.

I do appreciate the feedback you have provided. Can't thank people enough.

Daniel

lol at that dan no worries

:D

Quoted from danbotha If it's any consolation, I failed the exam ...

Good. Now stick to writing. Maths is for numb-nuts - it's all about thing that can be proved, not suggested. There's never dramatic tension to numbers, no development, no mystery. All the greatest thinkers were really only ever creative. And actually, that's been proved.  ;D

Quoted from Forgive Maths is for numb-nuts

Oh, how I want to show this comment to my maths teacher lol. Bet, she'd love it ;D ;D

Thanks Simon. I'll do whatever I can to make sure I continue to write :)

Dan

A series in the same genre as the 1983 movie, 'A Christma Story,' culturally adjusted to your location could be very good, entertaining, funny and enduring.

John

Hey John,

Thanks for having a read. I'm tempted to return back to this main character and using him for a web series. This script was recently picked up by a young teenage filmmaker, so I'm starting to think that it may have potential as a fun wee series for teens to get involved in. It's nothing serious.

Thanks, John

Dan

Quoted from danbotha I'm starting to think that it may have potential as a fun wee series for teens to get involved in. It's nothing serious.

If it pays the bills, it's a good thing. There is nothing wrong with being commercial. Think of it as giving the people what they want.

I've seen the movie A Christmas Story about three times and laugh everytime.

Fun Factoid: The house where A Christmas Story was shot is a popular tourist attraction. People from all over the world come to visit it.

Your Wee Lad series smells like money to me.

John

Thanks John,

To be honest I've never written to 'pay the bills.' I suspect that when I finally finish my first greedy that I'll actually want payment for any producer that wants to produce it, but for now... it's all about getting my name out there. I'm young. I can worry about money at a later stage.

If I was to make this a web-series, it would have to have an original twist. I think at the moment, it's not intriguing enough to have people come back for another episode. I do, however, think that a younger audience might enjoy this one, simply because the humor is mostly aimed at them.

Dan

Dan,

There is nothing wrong with being young or getting paid.

Don't over think it and don't sell yourself short.

The long running Canadian Red Green Show was about old coots hanging about at The Possum Lodge. No sex, no nudity, no gratuitous violence, no twists.

The BBC Doc Martin is about a socially inept medical man boboing (an irregular 'ar' verb) through life in some very small village in the middle of nowhere.

Neither show has an original twist. Just good solid story telling about ordinary people doing ordinary things.

In my humble opinion, simple, honest, relatable and funny are marketable qualities.

John

Quoted from XL Don't over think it and don't sell yourself short.

John, don't get me wrong, if I was offered money, I would consider taking it. Think I'd be insane not to at least think it over. I just don't write for the money. I write simply because that's what I love doing. I honestly believe if I was writing for the sole reason of pleasing the public I wouldn't enjoy writing as much as I do.

I wasn't saying that money means nothing to me, but if that's the reason that people are writing these days, there's going to be a whole heap of crap making it onto the big-screen. If I was money driven, I would have written a script about zombies ages ago :P

Dan

Hey Dan- I enjoyed the script. Just as I have with all of the others that I've read from you.  I can relate to Devin. Losing focus when working on a math problem. I hate math. Just another bit of fine writing from you once again. Keep up the good work.
                                                                                                        - Dirk

Thanks Dirk,

It's great to hear that there is a person who seems to consistently likes my work. I hate math as well and I honestly wouldn't be wasting my time if I didn't need math for every. single. career :( .

Anyway, glad you liked it.

Dan

Hey Dan,

I agree with everything that's been said about this been nicely written yet sort of pointless. You've acknowledge that this wasn't meant to be the tear jerking melodrama that anything involving math should be, so I won't drag out the fact that four pages about math isn't the most intriguing concept.

• (p1) 15 is a little young for year 11, no? At least within the American school system, year eleven is sophomore year of high school, when students are typically around 17 years old. This might not be based on the American school system though, and I could be nothing more than an ethnocentric yank.
  
• (p1) "Solve the following--" could be better formatted as "Solve the following:" That's just how I would write it, and in the vein of my mentioned ethnocentrism, everyone must be like me or suffer the consequences.
  
• For such a light script, the dropping of "sh*t-balls" and "dumb *ss" (p2) and "b*tch" (p4) seem slightly out of place even given Devin's blatant frustration.
  
• (p4) The punchline at the end fell flat for me. I'm lazy and can't think of any clever ways I would improve it, but it made Devin seem a decade younger than his character was supposed to be.
  

And that's that.

Thanks again, tendai.

The school system is based around the New Zealand school system. Typically, in New Zealand year 11 students are around 15-16 (We go up to year 13). I wouldn't call you ethnocentric for not knowing that ;D

I agree with the punchline. When I read back I often think 'What was I thinking' but that's the way it turned out. Comedy is subjective. Some people like it, some don't.

Anyway, thanks for your opinion. Really appreciate your in-put :)

Dan

Dan, thanks for taking a look at my script, I took a look at this by way of return as the only comedy listed among your work. It's just about a year old so I guess it's on the back burner although you did say there was student interest, did anything come of that? It reads as a bit of fun and I guess your comments confirm that it is a sketch more than a complete story but if you decide to revisit it here are a few thoughts.

What you have as introduction is 'on the nose' as set up, he's literally saying "I hate algebra." I laughed at "What the shit-balls?" coming after the long recitation of the algebra question, I think that might make a better opening.

For me, having "dumb ass" and "friggin’" in the continued thought detracts from the humour of that line. "You’d think he would find a tape measure" is funny enough. Same thing with "How the hell ..." when it just needs "Is the cat important?" I want to like this kid and certainly can sympathise with his bafflement but the swearing turns him into something of a rebel who just couldn't give a stuff. That doesn't seem to be what you intend.

I agree with earlier comments that it needs probably just a bit more thought to turn this into something really good. The punchline is nearly there, perhaps the last shot can be Devin turning in his paper to that missing teacher and we see the words "Devin x algebra = ?" to go with his "Solve that."

About the title - I can see Frustrations with Whys so is the unnamed girl supposed to be an Ex? Marriot has made excellent suggestions on that. I think another title suggests itself from Devin's last thought: POSSIBLE BUT POINTLESS.

Sorry if this is already abandoned. If there are to be further adventures of Devin I'll give that a look,

Jon (NW3)

Hey Dan,

This is a very clever piece, formatted perfectly and quick.

I'm with Devin on this one as well, you could have been writing about me - numbers + letters = one confused me.

Good stuff

Michael

Wow, I wasn't expecting to see this one at the top of the portal. Been a long time since I've had to come back here.

Hi there Jon and Michael. Thanks for having a look at this one. Of all my shorts, this one has to be my least favorite, although there were a few offers that came in from students, so someone must have liked it. Unfortunately, nothing happened there, so this one still falls into that unproduced section.

I don't actually plan on doing any further work with this one, unfortunately. I, personally am not a fan of the script, so I think to return to working on the "story" would be pointless. When I originally wrote this, I had absolutely no idea about writing real stories and as a result this one kinda crashed and burned.

I'm surprised with the comment about the swearing. I never really picked up any of the words you pointed out as profanities. At the time, I was still shy with the use of profanities, so I strayed away from that. Sorry if you feel the swearing detracts from the character. I was essentially trying to mock myself when I sat through a rather hard algebra exam. This was essentially my way of letting off some steam. As I said earlier, I just wrote it as part of a private joke and it was never anything serious.

Thanks for all the suggestions, Jon. Although I probably won't be returning to this script at all, I still appreciate the time taken to have a read and the time spent on getting back to me. You've given some pointers for what I can avoid in the future. Cheers.

And a big thanks to you as well, Michael. Glad you thought it was clever. Many people have commented on how ridiculous the entire thing is and to a certain extent I agree with them. What I have noticed is those who don't enjoy maths have sympathized for Devin, which I suppose is a good thing. Maybe this is more of a script for us maths noobs ;D

Anyway, thanks for having a read. Truly appreciated.

Dan

You are right.  I have a theory that all writers sucks at maths,  including me.  :-)  That's why we all can relate to this story :-)

It was a cute scene, perhaps part of a bigger piece, but it doesn't stand on its own.  While you did a good job getting into Devin's mind, this piece didn't build at all.  His comments regarding all his math problems were the same.  

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hey Dan,

Your title caught my eye in the portal and at only four pages, I figured why not? I have to say, I was surprised by your logline. Based on the play on words, I figured this would be some sort of Woody Allen-esque take on relationships or something. That's obviously not the case.

Anyway, I've got nothing new for you unfortunately but I did read it so I figured one more bump couldn't hurt you. Simply put, I didn't like it. I'm never been a fan of V.O. when it's used in this particular way. There's exceptions, of course, but they're few and far between. The dialogue is redunant and the payoff is weak.

At four pages, it's a harmless read. I didn't hate it or anything but it left me cold and I doubt I'll remember it tomorrow. Any longer and it could've been really tedious. That said, I can't say that I've never felt like Devin does in the script. I'd even go so far as to say his sentiments sound authentic. I've always found algebra easier and preferable compared to other maths and academically speaking, I've always hated science the most -- I devour Cracked articles and have a soft spot for Nat Geo but stick me in a chemistry or physics class and I'm skipping to get waffles after attendance has been taken (believe me, I've done it) -- but better believe I've dished out some scorn for algebra.

It seems to me that you intended this -- to appeal to some kind of universal angst or annoyance that everyone has felt in school. The humor doesn't work for me but perhaps it will for others. Still, I personally find the subject matter too broad and generic to hold any relevance other than being a joke that may or may not work for anyone.

Anyway, like I said, you've probably heard this bit before so you know how it goes. You can't please everyone.

"It�s like
trying to chew water. It�s
possible, but pointless."

Wait....what??

I think Devin's mind is just in a "special" dimension. Is it seriously possible to chew water? Assuming you don't mean ice-cubes, of course. I didn't realize liquids were chew-able. And second of all, how is it pointless? It's like a contradiction in terms followed by a non-sequitur. WHAT??? o.O How am I suppose to react to that? Yeah. Frankly, I don't get it. I don't get the humor at all. Devin just seems like a pissed off kid and he has almost no reason to be pissed off because, well, he thinks it's possible to chew water. I can't relate on almost any level with this kid. That line pretty much did it for me. I mean I'm laughing at the fact that he's a moron, I guess :)

Seriously though, Dan, I think you're better off trying something else and just letting this one go. It's rare a character irritates me this much. Very rare.

-J.S.

Daniel

I like the title.

The writing is smooth, always improving, well done.

It was amusing, had its moments. I think the majority of us will sympathise with Devin’s feeling towards algebra here so you got an immediate connection with the reader.

Although, it’s pretty much all V.O I still enjoyed the beleaguered pupil mulling haplessly over the perplexing equations to himself as all his classmates seemingly get on with it. Again, there are probably a lot of us reading this who can relate to that dreadful felling when you’re underprepared for an exam, especially a Maths one which is virtually bluff proof ;)

DEVIN (V.O.)
In what twisted world does that
question make sense? How’s about
this, you dumb ass... Count your
friggin’ animals yourself, instead
of relying on some poor teenage sod
to come along and magically come up
with an algebraic equation to solve
your stupid problems that no-one
gives a rat’s ass about.

- Nice, pretty much sums up my general attitude towards Maths in school!

DEVIN (V.O.)
alphabet into math. It’s like
trying to chew water.

- Ha, loved the “”chew water” phrase.

A funny punch line to end the piece. Oh if only I had Devin’s balls when I was in school, I would’ve pulled that stunt more times than I'd care to admit.

This would work well as a sketch, like part of some academically themed series of comedic skits, if one such series existed. Very producible too.

Col.

To everyone who has recently read this, without a response from me, I am truly sorry. I didn't realise I had more comments to respond to.

Unfortunately, I still wont be able to respond for a few days. I've come down with a nasty cold/flu/infection type thingy. However, as soon as I get better, I will reply individually to every comment that I received.

BTW, I am still around SS. Just get busy at this time of the year. Expect me to be back with regular posting towards the end of July :D.

Rock on guys. Great feedback, as usual.

Dan