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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Comedy Scripts  /  Aphrodite Terra
Posted by: Don, May 30th, 2012, 9:17pm
Aphrodite Terra by David Redstone - Comedy - The Pest of the West invaded America in 1877.  Genius geeks start these same tumbleweeds rolling with a new purpose today.  Theyíll entangle the President, the Lake Elsie Monster, Buckyballs, a 52-foot thigh of Athena and a pair of heavenly bodies. 97 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Yosef91, June 4th, 2012, 10:31am; Reply: 1
Worst logline ever?

I plan on reading this today (as much as I can), but it's not because of your logline.  
Posted by: Yosef91, June 5th, 2012, 6:39pm; Reply: 2
Some format and general comments on the first 15 pages:

p. 1


Quoted Text
Just above the fence, a completely black face with malevolent red-pupiled eyes pops up.


I see what you did here with the hat, but it was confusing and slowed the read.  I pictured someone in black face.  I don't think you need it.


Quoted Text
JACK (V.O.)


Should be (O.S.)


Quoted Text
Next door, Jack disappears as he steps down.


You donít even need this.


Quoted Text
LINA (V.O.)


Again, (O.S.)

Good first scene!  I like the tension between the two, and the way it ends.

p. 4

Quoted Text
Two BOYS, ages 8 or 9, sit in a small rowboat on the calm lake, near the shore.


Well, is it 8 or 9?  Also, since you name them in the following dialogue, go ahead and tell us their names now.  
Ex:  PERRY (8) and JASON (9) sit in a small rowboat on the calm
lake, near the shore.  


Quoted Text
PERRY
Címon!


Why is he saying this?  Is he prompting Jason to do something?  You donít tell us what the boys are doing.

p. 6
Another green box appears on-screen as Jack stands.
Not sure what the relevance is.  Does the box indicate something?

p. 7


Quoted Text
Jack absently pets a cactus plant on his desk.


This seems out of character.

p. 8


Quoted Text
Jack goes into the kitchen and fusses with the blender.


If we follow Jack into the kitchen, you need a new scene heading.  If we donít, dialogue will be (O.S.)


Quoted Text
EXT. DONNELLY ROOF - NIGHT
Lina looks up and behind, from her bedroom window. A
collapsible ladder stretches from the window to the roof.


Your scene heading has us on a roof, then we are at Lina looking out her window.  Itís awkward.


Quoted Text
BOB
Shhh! Theyíre out there! Jackie,
Raggedy Ann and Andy.
LINA
You mean Candy and Randy?
BOB
Whatever.


Funny

p. 9


Quoted Text
EXT. DONNELLY DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS
Bob hangs from the basketball hoop above the garage,


He would have swished only if he had gone through it.

I read the first 15 pages.  The main issues are that I am not really sure who our main character is.  I'm assuming Jack is, but he hasn't drawn me in as a main should.  He's almost likable, but not quite.

I guess the inciting incident is the loss of the pod thing in the lake, but I don't see danger yet.  Or is it the approaching space object (that scene was a little long, btw).

Many scripts on this site could take a lesson from you on quick scenes and snappy dialogue.  For the most part, you get in and out of your scenes really well.  There is a lot of sexual subtext going on that I found well done and humorous.

And I hate to pile on, but the logline is terrible.  There's no mention of a main character, and that's why we're all here.  I hope the rest of the script brings payoff for the strange title.  I am also struggling with it, as it sounds too sci-fi for a comedy.

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