Fatal Casualties by Dena McKinnon (paleyellow) - Short, Psychological Dark Drama - Happily ever after may be only an illusion for a young couple overcoming addiction and loss. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Dena,

I'm not gonna pick out any pet peeves I might have with your writing style, because frankly it's a matter of personal preference.   You're a seasoned pro and definitely have your own panache.   I'll just say it was a quick, effective and depressing read.  :'(

Good job!

A psychological dark drama?   I found that a little strange.   I'd just call it a drama.

Wow.  Pretty dark.  Very simple, very cheap; can see this one as an indie short.  There's some solid writing here: I love the reveal of Amber's pregnant belly.  All the light vanishing and the paint peeling when Amber puts Kayla to bed is a very inspired visual image.  The only thing I don't really like about this piece is the title.  It just sounds weird to me.  Good job!

Gage

Hey Dena,

I liked this one, a powerful and dark little story but I will confess to being a tad confused at a certain point initially in the forest so had to have a re-read but it was quickly cleared up.

This has remnants of another of your shorts, I think it was called “12 Steps” which was about a couple on drugs (heroin) and they had a child. I don’t know? Maybe I’ve got that wrong – read it a while ago but when the pregnant belly was revealed it reminded me of that story for some reason.

The writing’s fluid, terse and that means it’s a quick read which is always a good thing. Although I’ll admit to being stumbled a few times by certain phrases like “he pulls out the tools of the trade” I didn’t know what the hell this meant until I read the next line. I had to stop and think for second and it turned out to be something completely different.

I was also a little confused as to why the characters had no ages but Kayla?

But other than those little niggles which is hardly worth the time, this is an extremely well executed little short with a powerful closing image.

Good stuff, Dena. :)

Steve

Thanks guys. I have this habit of throwing stuff up here that shouldn't be :) After I sent it in to Don, I emailed him and said don't worry bout putting this up :) but it's up so can't hide my fast hodge podge of work now! lol

It was a quick draft, for someone that posted looking for a short with certain props in here a while back. Just took one of my old stories(12 Steps-which has also been rewritten) and changed the characters a bit and the ending and the props.

Thanks again for the read ;)

Quoted from CoopBazinga This has remnants of another of your shorts, I think it was called “12 Steps”

Quoted from Pale Yellow Just took one of my old stories(12 Steps-which has also been rewritten) and changed the characters a bit and the ending and the props.

I was bang on the money then! :)

SPOILERS!

I like the tone. I like the atmosphere. But the clarity of the story needs to be fixed especially when it gets to the 10 year mark. I think Amber's gone insane. if so, why does Charlie decide to shoot her?

Gabe

I like it.

Dena,

I read this earlier this morning. Your writing is nice. Maybe a little too wordy, but maybe that's just me. Look out for repetitiveness in your descriptions...

The beginning was good. The pregnant belly made me cringe (for the baby). I was confused by Kayla being 11 when this was only 10 years later, but I figured it out soon enough.

Good story even if not new or earth shattering. Would be easy to film. Did you write this for, you know who?

8)

Yeah Pia...I did--wasn't what he wanted tho ...and then wrote a better one called She Comes At Night....cuz they wanted real life scary. Did they begin production on yours??

My writing is always too wordy :) I need to get an axe this year for Christmas!! SANTA???

Hey Dena!

Always a pleasure looking in on active members; scripts!

You're definitely exhibiting more confidence on the page these days. ;D
Though I think there's too many inviting veins and dancing shadows.
But it sets the mood well overall.

*SPOILERS*
You kinda spill the beans with the kid's age there. Why?
The cat and mouse with the kid also telegraphs the reveal.
*END*

I'd take those interactions in a different direction...
Why not have Kayla... integrated into the parents' druggy lives.
Amber shoots up in front of the kid. Has her tie off the rubber tube even!

Then Kayla makes off with the syringe for a twisted game of hide and seek.
Which could turn into that visceral behavior over the dirt.

Something shocking like that would take my attention away from the reveal.
Along with adjusting Kayla's age.

Good stuff! Someone will produce this.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Dena

I liked this little dark tale.  It's a bit over written but I tend to do the same with shorts.
Not much else to say as I haven't got any real niggles with it and so I'll again just say that this was a great little short.

Good work.

Thanks guys!

Brett ...good advice and I'll clean it up soon.

And like I said, I'm going to make it to as many malls as I can this December...sit in all the Santa laps I can find...maybe even do a lil wiggle ...and I'll get that golden AXE  :) Try to learn to write leaner! ;) Promise!

Thanks tons. October OWC will be my ONE year anniversary of diving into this website and starting screenwriting. I'm going to celebrate Halloween!!!! Love this place.

dena

Good and dark story just how I like them.  I tend to write wordy as well so that didn't bother me.  

All the tips I wanted to say have already been said.  Clean it up some and I think it could make a good festival run someday!

Dena, you can write, for sure.  With this one, I agree that some of your descriptions are too wordy, and that there is a tendency to repeat visuals.  However, when you get your AXE at Xmas, trim by all means but please do not completely decapitate the style that you have.  Tighten stuff up but please don't lose all the good stuff.  What's better -- a seasoned chicken leg, or a bone?  We're all trying to crack that nut...getting white on the page while having a style of our own.  It's a fun game, this screenwriting lark...    

And now I'm going to contradict the above by telling you what I think you can hack out :) --

Phrases like 'Game over' in the action lines.  When there good, there good -- but not sure about the employment of it here.  It didn't feel like game over, it felt like we were in the middle of something, if you know what I mean.

On page two when we leave the woods for the first time and the couple meet outside the farmhouse -- do we need this scene?  I'm guessing it's too show their still together but I think it could be cut.

"Dark, dingy room, the only life is Amber as she sits in a an
old rocker. Kayla sleeps in her arms".  This is is kinda telegraphing things for me. Hold things back! :)

"A tear rolls out of her eyes. She can’t do it. She lowers the
gun. Sobs.
Once again, gets her courage up.
She sticks the gun in her mouth. Closes her eyes. Her finger
presses the trigger slowly.
Failure again. She lowers the gun. Drops it on the floor."

It's funny, I wrote I scene like this recently.  Very similar.  I was re-writing it and got it down from about eight lines to two.  You've got six lines here and I think you could get the scene across quicker.  I would start by chopping "She can't do it" & "Failure again" and stuff like that.

SPOILERS

I'm not too sure about the ending.  Why does he have to kill her?  Just doesn't seem satisfactory.  Don't even grave robbing junkies deserve a chance?

BTW -- the title sounds like a war movie. And also, have you seen the movie 'Antichrist'? If not, watch it.  (but don't blame me).







  

Hey Dena,

Well done.

Since i have read your work i have felt that, like me, you have been searching for a style. This is the closest i have felt you have been to your style. To some a bit wordy and of course  a few things can be trimmed, but this is your way and and a few decent descriptions beyond the crisp, is most welcome. We all develop as writers and what is great about you is that you keep writing, learning. I try to do the same - its the best way to learn.

You have a decent sense of story, of character of tension and loss. Your stories have a ring of truth about them, earthy, real, personal. Never let go of that.

This story is dark, intense, deep and touches that sense that lurks within us all that things can go wrong, we can lose touch, whilst the world arounds us moves on. Could we be stuck in a place we don't want to be, what would happen if it did?

One idea with this would be for charlie to have a spade with him. Kill her, maybe with  last fatal overdose as she would want, then bury them together, since she can the without her. is it murder or compassion. The POV then changes to him - can he move on?

cheers

Wow Basket....killer notes! Thanks!

Gonna hack it up like a totem pole eventually and with the feedback ...I know what to slice off!

The title surely SUX ....will change it for sure ;) Awesome notes...and thanks again!

And yes...I'd like a seasoned chicken leg better than a bone :) ... I think :)

d

Hey Dena,

I enjoyed this. Although confusing at first, I found myself loving the story. You told it with very little dialogue, which is always great to see. That's a rare thing to pull off effectively. This is my kind of story. Love to see writers tackling serious issues and you've done so with some amazing impact.

I have to admit, after reading the comments I was expecting every sentence to have an over-written part to it. I was pleasantly surprised to see (IMO) the over-writing only pops up a few times. You know about that, so I'm not going to dwell any further on the topic.

The thing that really bothered me with the script came with the descriptions. We need a little more IMO. There's no facial features for Charlie and Amber, nothing that distinguishes them from regular people. I'm imagining faceless characters. Don't know about you, but I prefer to have simple things like age and basic appearance traits covered. Keeping things visual is important. Having said that, I just realized that your intention with this could have been to leave it to our interpretation...?

Just a nit-picky thing... Kayla and her age. The first thought with a scene set ten years later would have been "Okay, so the baby will be ten..." Nope, not having that. Kayla was 11. Call me someone with no life, but I actually had to stop and think about this for a second. Not even kidding, I stopped reading and worked out whether it was possible or not. Luckily for you, it is possible, but I was thrown for a while. God, I have no life ;D . Nothing to change, here, but I thought it was worth knowing that some weirdos such as myself will have to stop and think about it for a moment ;D

POTENTIAL SPOILER!!

Another thing I thought I'd mention was the woods scene. May have just been the way I read it, but I completely missed the doll part. So, for the rest of the script I thought Kayla was alive. Maybe have the doll in CAPS to make it stand out a little more...?

Otherwise, some great stuff. Awesome writing and a story that was just utterly brilliant. Just wish my weird tendencies hadn't gotten in the way... :P

Great work!

Dan

Thank you Bill and Dan....

One of the things several have addressed was description for my characters and ages. Thing is...when I wrote this...I wrote it for a filmmaker. They already had the cast to work with so I left all that off to make it easy to fit their male, female and child.

I should've cleaned it up and made it look spec-ish but I didn't. It was a quick draft of maybe 45 minutes and when they said they wanted something a little different ...I just sent this to Don..since I took the time to write it :)

I need to look over things before I post them on here...but I dunno if you know what I mean, IF you are writing for a filmmaker that already has cast or you are writing something to film yourself....you just get the story out best you can. I just forgot to clean it up for spec type look ;) will do better next  time...promise ;)

Hey Dena. It's been a privilege seeing you develop as a writer. I think I've read all of your stuff this far?

As has been said, this clearly displays a sense of confidence of style. But then, so does putting your agent on the front page   ;D


I wouldn't start with a passive:
Against a dirty wall of peeling paint, sits a worn out couch,

A worn out couch sits against a dirty wall of peeling paint.
-- is active.

Your '10 YEARS LATER' definately needs a super.

Bird song. Sun dapples through a canopy of foliage.
-- I liked this. Vey simply, but a very clear visual.

The flashlight beam bounces on the ground as his steps hurry
-- I liked this as well.

I agree with Bill - I really think a spade would 'suit' this. I don't think they'd have a gun - it just doesn't work with them. If they had any spare cash, they'd have doped on it.

You're not going to move away from dark, I know that, but you are doing it better. There's an accomplished feel to this.

Regarding the axe and the over-writing -- I'd be cautious -- there are times when the over-writting detracts, but there is an equal number of times when it enhances. Maybe a penknife will do?

Title? Yeah - please change, I have to agree on that one.

Hey Dena.

I know I've seen you around a lot on the boards before, and I always make notes in my head to check out something of yours whenever I see it posted up, but I never remembered coming across any.

So I got excited when I saw this posted earlier today.  (Trust me, if I hadn't seen this, I was going to send a PM soon for you to shoot some links on over to me for your stuff.)

And wow, am I glad I read this.  I loved loved the dark visuals and the sadness of the script.  (Yes, I did mean to put 'loved' twice.')

And not once while reading did the thought of overwriting pop into my head.  Sure, you have a lot of descriptions, but that's because you're telling a story with very little dialogue.  (You're telling a story with images.  Don't hold your head down for that.)  That may be why a lot are accusing you of overwriting.  Your descriptions are pretty sleek, actually.  I think only a few times did you have to resort to three lines to describe what's going on.

Maybe you did repeat a couple things over and over, (the peeling paint, for instance), and those could probably be cut back a bit, but I see no other overwriting infractions from you, really.  If you do any chopping, don't lose the mood you've set up.

All right, now for the parts of the story that really stopped this from being totally absolutely great.  Don't get me wrong, this is great, but there were two things that brought it down for me.

One, the title.  It's a small nitpic, I know, but it just doesn't fit in my opinion.  I think you might be able to find a title that's a little more dramatic and sentimental, and not so late-1980's thriller.  (Fatal Attraction and Basic Instinct come to mind.)  I'm not saying to go all artsy fartsy with it, but it could use touched up, in my opinion.

All right.  Now, the ending.  I loved loved loved her coddling the corpse at the end.  I was excited.  I was thinking this might be my favorite short I've ever read.  Disgusting, but still sentimental and sad.  All my favorite things I've loved reading in stories since I was little.

And then he shoots her.  My stomach actually hurt, because that two seconds of screen-time, actually ruined the story for me.  It was a literal WTF moment for me, and I hate using abbreviations.  (Except Lol.  I like using lol a lot.)

You had this great set-up, you had a beautiful, disgusting, sad, all-powerful moment working, that could've been made all the more powerful by Charlie mourning for her and understanding her sadness and trying to help her put the bones back in the ground, but instead, after all these years I'm sure this has been going on... he shoots her?

I still loved it, but that moment brought it down for me.

Then I read that you wrote this for somebody to film.  (I remember seeing his post not too long ago.)  (I mean, posts), and then I remember he had a revolver or something to use.

That revolver just took the power out of this great story.

Anyway, I'll stop harping on that now and take the time to say that I like the idea Brett brought up, about actually having the baby help them tie off the tourniquet or something.  (Damn, Brett, what happened to your family-friendly approach to things?  :-)  That would add another sick dynamic to the story, although I'm not to sure how you'd approach fitting that into the story.  It might take some playing around with and more than most likely a couple extra pages.  But you've definately got something in my opinion to try and make the most out of it.

Anyway, thanks for posting it.  I enjoyed it a lot, (even with the ending I complained about.)  I'd definately enjoy reading some other stuff of yours if you want to PM some links over to me.  I'll be looking forward to it.

- Mark

Mark ....

Man killer notes :) and again the dreaded ending. Yes the revolver was a prop they had to work with...I will def change it ...and the ending...Plus they wanted VERY little dialogue. So I tried to have the least dialogue possible. NOW though that it is mine to play with...I can make the end a lot better. After all these suggestions.

Thank you a ton for reading it and I appreciate the great suggestions.

dena

Quoted from Pale Yellow Yeah Pia...I did--wasn't what he wanted tho ...and then wrote a better one called She Comes At Night....cuz they wanted real life scary. Did they begin production on yours??

He wanted me to make changes to the script, I told him I didn't have the time and I never heard back after that. So, in short. I doubt it.  Good luck with yours though.  8)

I think this would definitely make a good short.

I like your style of writing. It may be a bit wordy, but it paints a good picture.
Clear, but also slightly cryptic.

It kept me reading.

Good job!

Thanks Steex ...appreciate the read.

dena

Hi, Dena.

This was interesting. Was there a message behind this, like "don't do drugs?"

My only criticism is that the ending--the very end--was too violent; it was out of context with the rest of the script which was quiet and somber.

Best regards.
rmaze