If Looks Could Kill by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Short, Thriller - One man's fantasy is another man's nightmare. 2 pages - pdf, format 8)

I read this on my break.

Your script title is differient than your title posted here.

I'm not sure I understand the loglines relationship with the story.

in fact, this IMO is just a scene from a story, not really a stroy in itself.

I know how hard it is to do these one / two pagers. you have to get in and out (no pun intended based on the story) and tell a complete story.

You should expand this into a short.

Shawn.....><

Thanks Shawn....

I forgot about this and it actually should never have submitted... :)

I wrote it drunk and posted it drunk... which is why the title is different...   :D
It was my OWC...  one wasted challenge

Mark

Quoted from irish eyes Thanks Shawn.... I forgot about this and it actually should never have submitted... :) I wrote it drunk and posted it drunk... which is why the title is different...   :D It was my OWC...  one wasted challenge Mark

Markkkkkkkkkkkkk omg you just gave me an idea!! A drunk ONC -- one night challenge!!! LOL :)  Haven't read this yet ;)

Join in the fun sweet D :D

Check out how twisted my script got... I even got the title wrong. :D

Mark

Mark,

Don't beat yourself up brother.

I've done the same thing myself.

Except my script sucked. This wasn't too bad for a whiskey script...

Shawn.....><

Not gonna spend too much time on this one.

Two pages? Not really risking anything opening one of these up. It is not a complete story, though. So I think it fails in that respect.

The only twist is his wife being in the same predicament, but there was no way to see that coming. If you expand, you should have her tease him a bit more. And I would like to see her kill or torture the wife to get the info she wants.

James

Thanks Shawn it's all good.

James I'm not gonna argue, there isn't much to it as far as story goes.

My story:
A while back someone brought up the OWC.... I suggested a One Wasted Challenge... Jeff and Dena liked the idea... In which we got drunk and wrote something....Well this was my something... I submitted quite a while back, that I actually forgot about it(I know Don has very busy)

I believe I was trying to go for a Basic Instinct style opening... But as you can see, I ran out of ideas after 2 pages :D :D and in my unclear state of mind I posted it :D

So join in the drunken fun and write something short, out of your comfort zone, obviously when you're drunk everything is out of comfort zone :D and you can have 2 titles apparently :D

Mark

Mark

Quoted from irish eyes So join in the drunken fun and write something short, out of your comfort zone, obviously when you're drunk everything is out of comfort zone :D and you can have 2 titles apparently :D

Totally understandable, especially if you've been influenced by the likes of Jeff and Shawn. And, btw, I almost always drink when I write.

Cheers to the OWC!

James

Well,well,well... what do we have here?

A script by my old mate, Mark.

Quoted from irish eyes I wrote it drunk and posted it drunk

That old chestnut! C'mon now, that's one of the oldest excuses in the book - it's almost as bad as the "dog eating your homework" gimmick. :D

When I saw the old title (which I thought was funny BTW) I thought this was going to be a comedy and I kept expecting a punchline to cum (yes, pun intended) but it never did so I was kinda disappointed. I think that's more my fault for expecting it and knowing what you usually write.

As for the script itself, not much to into as I agree with previous posters... no real story and plays out more like a scene from a bigger piece. I don't know if you're actually going anywhere with this or it was just a drunken fling?

If you do go forward then I would beef it up and give it more meaning and substance. What is the code? Why is this evil bitch after it? Who the hell are these people?

However, if this was it, and all because you had one too many drinks then you write better than me when I'm drunk... I've looked over some work on a Sunday morning after a heavy night with a shocked face! :o

Take it easy, buddy. :)

Quoted from Pale Yellow A drunk ONC -- one night challenge!!! LOL :)

Sounds funny, would make for interesting reading anyway. ;D

I had already read the comments before I cracked this one open.
I was wondering to myself, "Hmmm... I wonder what the name on the title page is going to be..."

The Pussycat Club.
Awesome!
I love it.

Mark,

Had to laugh at the idea of you writing this drunk. Was expecting grammar issues and spelling mistakes left right and center, but I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised. It seems you're a fairly decent writer even when you're off your face ;D Nice work.

Can't say anything that hasn't already been said. Not much in the way of a story, but still an entertaining piece for some reason. Twisted woman you're working with, here.

Dan

Hey Mark, this is very well written considering you were, supposedly, intoxicated. lol

I finished by wondering what or who is Rufus?

Also, if you'd been drinking before you wrote this, I wonder what put this in your head?  Or do you often think of sexy women dominating and murdering?

This was okay for what it was though and I wait for your next drunken session for the next scene. lol

Quoted from Pale Yellow Markkkkkkkkkkkkk omg you just gave me an idea!! A drunk ONC -- one night challenge!!! LOL :)  Haven't read this yet ;)

Hey Mark, Maybe it would be more of a challenge writing one sober. Less imagination when sober.

Glad you posted this one as it is always good to read a regular SS contributing members work. I did enjoy the read.
At first I thought it was your fantasy then got further and decided otherwise.

It is well written and I can't see any issues with this one, apart from it feeling like the "Zombie Strippers" movie, which is not a bad think. Hee Hee

I just feel the story does seem like a small part of something larger, and I dont mean what was in his Kenny's pants.

If more people could write this well whilst being pissed, the world would be a better place.

LAST ADVICE : DON'T WRITE SOBER.

Regards Alex

Hi Mark,

I'm thinking it would be interesting not to see him bound to the chair and learn about it later in the story after you show her utter the first words, let us hear some groaning, then his dying (or dead) wife and then him bound to the chair.

You left me wanting more - she asked a code, he gave it to him - wish there were more of a story.

It is very well written, I think.
You started with ROOM in the slug - don't think you have to say "The room is", you could just describe the room perhaps. --just thinking outloud, I know people lately stopped commenting on these things and rightfully so, but I decided not to hold it:)

Quoted from coop That old chestnut! C'mon now, that's one of the oldest excuses in the book - it's almost as bad as the "dog eating your homework" gimmick.

Before I went to bed last night, I said to myself " This is about the time, my old shipmate Coop wakes up, scratches his nuts, puts on a spot of tea, scratches some more and sits down in his tighty whiteys and cracks open S.S. and the first thing he will see is this and my drunken excuse"

I have 38 more excuses you haven't heard yet :D The alien anal probe, dick caught in a vacuum cleaner....

This was just a scene and I was gonna post it just on the thread.... I didn't realise how busy Don was...

Quoted from Steex The Pussycat Club. Awesome! I love it.

I like this better.... This was the original premise... That the killer belong to an underground club of smoking hot women who all dressed as pussycats meowwww

Quoted from Dannyboy Was expecting grammar issues and spelling mistakes left right and center, but I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised. It seems you're a fairly decent writer even when you're off your face  Nice work.

I was expecting the same thing :D

Quoted from Alffy I finished by wondering what or who is Rufus?

This was as creative as I could get :D I have no idea where the name came from? :D It's supposed to be an access word to some mystery vault.... I think.

Quoted from Alex If more people could write this well whilst being pissed, the world would be a better place. LAST ADVICE : DON'T WRITE SOBER.

Ill drink to that :D

Quoted from khamanna I'm thinking it would be interesting not to see him bound to the chair and learn about it later in the story after you show her utter the first words, let us hear some groaning, then his dying (or dead) wife and then him bound to the chair. You left me wanting more - she asked a code, he gave it to him - wish there were more of a story.

I was trying to setup the scene as a WTF just happened... with people wondering more about the code word and what does it mean and who is the mysterious killer.... I think :D

Thank you all

I feel like Shane mcGowan... The very talented, always wasted singer/songwriter of the Pogues :D:D:D

Mark

Meow!

Oh Mark,

You make me feel so much better.

After all, we've all been there, you know, you have a few too many, post a reply on a site, often SS, then try and remember in the morning what you did on which thread etc  And now you've upped the stakes and posted a whole script.

As it happens i rather liked it, until it ran out of steam, but for what it was, it had a nice edge. Needs some more, but you already know that.

I challenge you to give this a beginning and a middle, since this appears to be the end.

Not that this is a stinks in any shape or form, but next time i post one a poor script, i know what to say...it was the whiskey talking!! (as he necks another red wine)

cheers

Hey Mark, I don't see too much wastedness on display here.

Actually for a short scene, it ain't bad at all.

Obviously, we know nothing about anyone or anything that's going on, but for what it is, it's alright by me.  I just wish that hot little cat girl took her clothes off for us to see...or see in our minds at least.

Mark - it's not possible for a male to write this line drunk:

"A gorgeous long legged, curvaceous brunette slowly approaches" ... and get the spelling right.

Great set up, nicely written, and you got the tempo just about right.

My advice -- go get yourself p*ssed again and finish it off  ;D

"she orgasms while he goes into convulsions"

Hell of a way to go out! I'm writing drunk for now on. lol

Quoted from Marky Mark last night I put on a spot of tea in tighty whiteys and said to myself "This is about the time I put my old dick and nuts in a vacuum cleaner and crack open S.S."

At least we all know what your next excuse will be. :D

Quoted from Bill I challenge you to give this a beginning and a middle, since this appears to be the end. Not that this is a stinks in any shape or form, but next time i post one a poor script, i know what to say...it was the whiskey talking!! (as he necks another red wine)

This was supposed to be the beginning :) .... Always blame the alcohol... Thats what liverpool should do :D

Quoted from JC Cleveland I just wish that hot little cat girl took her clothes off for us to see...or see in our minds at least.

More naked, less action.... Got it :D :D :D

Quoted from Simon Mark - it's not possible for a male to write this line drunk: "A gorgeous long legged, curvaceous brunette slowly approaches" ... and get the spelling right.

:D:D That's funny....... Good old spellchecker, even when you're drunk it's easy :D

Quoted from DV44 "she orgasms while he goes into convulsions" Hell of a way to go out! I'm writing drunk for now on. lol

It's the only way :D:D

Quoted from steveo I'd like to crack open Mark's S.S and put my dick in while wearing my tighty whiteys around my ankles

:D:D:D