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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  If Looks Could Kill Moderators: bert
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  Author    If Looks Could Kill  (currently 2574 views)
Don
Posted: October 9th, 2012, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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If Looks Could Kill by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Short, Thriller - One man's fantasy is another man's nightmare. 2 pages - pdf, format


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Ledbetter
Posted: October 9th, 2012, 4:38pm Report to Moderator
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I read this on my break.

Your script title is differient than your title posted here.

I'm not sure I understand the loglines relationship with the story.

in fact, this IMO is just a scene from a story, not really a stroy in itself.

I know how hard it is to do these one / two pagers. you have to get in and out (no pun intended based on the story) and tell a complete story.

You should expand this into a short.

Shawn.....><
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irish eyes
Posted: October 9th, 2012, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Thanks Shawn....

I forgot about this and it actually should never have submitted...

I wrote it drunk and posted it drunk... which is why the title is different...  
It was my OWC...  one wasted challenge

Mark


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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 9th, 2012, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from irish eyes
Thanks Shawn....

I forgot about this and it actually should never have submitted...

I wrote it drunk and posted it drunk... which is why the title is different...  
It was my OWC...  one wasted challenge

Mark


Markkkkkkkkkkkkk omg you just gave me an idea!! A drunk ONC -- one night challenge!!! LOL   Haven't read this yet
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irish eyes
Posted: October 9th, 2012, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Join in the fun sweet D

Check out how twisted my script got... I even got the title wrong.

Mark


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Ledbetter
Posted: October 9th, 2012, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Mark,

Don't beat yourself up brother.

I've done the same thing myself.

Except my script sucked. This wasn't too bad for a whiskey script...

Shawn.....><
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jwent6688
Posted: October 9th, 2012, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Not gonna spend too much time on this one.

Two pages? Not really risking anything opening one of these up. It is not a complete story, though. So I think it fails in that respect.

The only twist is his wife being in the same predicament, but there was no way to see that coming. If you expand, you should have her tease him a bit more. And I would like to see her kill or torture the wife to get the info she wants.

James


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irish eyes
Posted: October 9th, 2012, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Thanks Shawn it's all good.

James I'm not gonna argue, there isn't much to it as far as story goes.

My story:
A while back someone brought up the OWC.... I suggested a One Wasted Challenge... Jeff and Dena liked the idea... In which we got drunk and wrote something....Well this was my something... I submitted quite a while back, that I actually forgot about it(I know Don has very busy)

I believe I was trying to go for a Basic Instinct style opening... But as you can see, I ran out of ideas after 2 pages and in my unclear state of mind I posted it

So join in the drunken fun and write something short, out of your comfort zone, obviously when you're drunk everything is out of comfort zone and you can have 2 titles apparently

Mark

Mark


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jwent6688
Posted: October 9th, 2012, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Quoted from irish eyes

So join in the drunken fun and write something short, out of your comfort zone, obviously when you're drunk everything is out of comfort zone and you can have 2 titles apparently


Totally understandable, especially if you've been influenced by the likes of Jeff and Shawn. And, btw, I almost always drink when I write.

Cheers to the OWC!

James



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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 9th, 2012, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Well,well,well... what do we have here?

A script by my old mate, Mark.


Quoted from irish eyes
I wrote it drunk and posted it drunk


That old chestnut! C'mon now, that's one of the oldest excuses in the book - it's almost as bad as the "dog eating your homework" gimmick.

When I saw the old title (which I thought was funny BTW) I thought this was going to be a comedy and I kept expecting a punchline to cum (yes, pun intended) but it never did so I was kinda disappointed. I think that's more my fault for expecting it and knowing what you usually write.

As for the script itself, not much to into as I agree with previous posters... no real story and plays out more like a scene from a bigger piece. I don't know if you're actually going anywhere with this or it was just a drunken fling?

If you do go forward then I would beef it up and give it more meaning and substance. What is the code? Why is this evil bitch after it? Who the hell are these people?

However, if this was it, and all because you had one too many drinks then you write better than me when I'm drunk... I've looked over some work on a Sunday morning after a heavy night with a shocked face!

Take it easy, buddy.


Quoted from Pale Yellow
A drunk ONC -- one night challenge!!! LOL


Sounds funny, would make for interesting reading anyway.
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Steex
Posted: October 9th, 2012, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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I had already read the comments before I cracked this one open.
I was wondering to myself, "Hmmm... I wonder what the name on the title page is going to be..."

The Pussycat Club.
Awesome!
I love it.


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danbotha
Posted: October 10th, 2012, 12:59am Report to Moderator
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Mark,

Had to laugh at the idea of you writing this drunk. Was expecting grammar issues and spelling mistakes left right and center, but I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised. It seems you're a fairly decent writer even when you're off your face Nice work.

Can't say anything that hasn't already been said. Not much in the way of a story, but still an entertaining piece for some reason. Twisted woman you're working with, here.

Dan


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alffy
Posted: October 10th, 2012, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark, this is very well written considering you were, supposedly, intoxicated. lol

I finished by wondering what or who is Rufus?

Also, if you'd been drinking before you wrote this, I wonder what put this in your head?  Or do you often think of sexy women dominating and murdering?

This was okay for what it was though and I wait for your next drunken session for the next scene. lol


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Alex_212
Posted: October 10th, 2012, 3:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Pale Yellow
Markkkkkkkkkkkkk omg you just gave me an idea!! A drunk ONC -- one night challenge!!! LOL   Haven't read this yet


Hey Mark, Maybe it would be more of a challenge writing one sober. Less imagination when sober.

Glad you posted this one as it is always good to read a regular SS contributing members work. I did enjoy the read.
At first I thought it was your fantasy then got further and decided otherwise.

It is well written and I can't see any issues with this one, apart from it feeling like the "Zombie Strippers" movie, which is not a bad think. Hee Hee

I just feel the story does seem like a small part of something larger, and I dont mean what was in his Kenny's pants.

If more people could write this well whilst being pissed, the world would be a better place.

LAST ADVICE : DON'T WRITE SOBER.

Regards Alex


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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khamanna
Posted: October 10th, 2012, 5:01am Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark,

I'm thinking it would be interesting not to see him bound to the chair and learn about it later in the story after you show her utter the first words, let us hear some groaning, then his dying (or dead) wife and then him bound to the chair.

You left me wanting more - she asked a code, he gave it to him - wish there were more of a story.

It is very well written, I think.
You started with ROOM in the slug - don't think you have to say "The room is", you could just describe the room perhaps. --just thinking outloud, I know people lately stopped commenting on these things and rightfully so, but I decided not to hold it
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