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Two pages? Not really risking anything opening one of these up. It is not a complete story, though. So I think it fails in that respect.
The only twist is his wife being in the same predicament, but there was no way to see that coming. If you expand, you should have her tease him a bit more. And I would like to see her kill or torture the wife to get the info she wants.
James I'm not gonna argue, there isn't much to it as far as story goes.
My story: A while back someone brought up the OWC.... I suggested a One Wasted Challenge... Jeff and Dena liked the idea... In which we got drunk and wrote something....Well this was my something... I submitted quite a while back, that I actually forgot about it(I know Don has very busy)
I believe I was trying to go for a Basic Instinct style opening... But as you can see, I ran out of ideas after 2 pages and in my unclear state of mind I posted it
So join in the drunken fun and write something short, out of your comfort zone, obviously when you're drunk everything is out of comfort zone and you can have 2 titles apparently
So join in the drunken fun and write something short, out of your comfort zone, obviously when you're drunk everything is out of comfort zone and you can have 2 titles apparently
Totally understandable, especially if you've been influenced by the likes of Jeff and Shawn. And, btw, I almost always drink when I write.
That old chestnut! C'mon now, that's one of the oldest excuses in the book - it's almost as bad as the "dog eating your homework" gimmick.
When I saw the old title (which I thought was funny BTW) I thought this was going to be a comedy and I kept expecting a punchline to cum (yes, pun intended) but it never did so I was kinda disappointed. I think that's more my fault for expecting it and knowing what you usually write.
As for the script itself, not much to into as I agree with previous posters... no real story and plays out more like a scene from a bigger piece. I don't know if you're actually going anywhere with this or it was just a drunken fling?
If you do go forward then I would beef it up and give it more meaning and substance. What is the code? Why is this evil bitch after it? Who the hell are these people?
However, if this was it, and all because you had one too many drinks then you write better than me when I'm drunk... I've looked over some work on a Sunday morning after a heavy night with a shocked face!
I had already read the comments before I cracked this one open. I was wondering to myself, "Hmmm... I wonder what the name on the title page is going to be..."
Had to laugh at the idea of you writing this drunk. Was expecting grammar issues and spelling mistakes left right and center, but I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised. It seems you're a fairly decent writer even when you're off your face Nice work.
Can't say anything that hasn't already been said. Not much in the way of a story, but still an entertaining piece for some reason. Twisted woman you're working with, here.
Markkkkkkkkkkkkk omg you just gave me an idea!! A drunk ONC -- one night challenge!!! LOL Haven't read this yet
Hey Mark, Maybe it would be more of a challenge writing one sober. Less imagination when sober.
Glad you posted this one as it is always good to read a regular SS contributing members work. I did enjoy the read. At first I thought it was your fantasy then got further and decided otherwise.
It is well written and I can't see any issues with this one, apart from it feeling like the "Zombie Strippers" movie, which is not a bad think. Hee Hee
I just feel the story does seem like a small part of something larger, and I dont mean what was in his Kenny's pants.
If more people could write this well whilst being pissed, the world would be a better place.
I'm thinking it would be interesting not to see him bound to the chair and learn about it later in the story after you show her utter the first words, let us hear some groaning, then his dying (or dead) wife and then him bound to the chair.
You left me wanting more - she asked a code, he gave it to him - wish there were more of a story.
It is very well written, I think. You started with ROOM in the slug - don't think you have to say "The room is", you could just describe the room perhaps. --just thinking outloud, I know people lately stopped commenting on these things and rightfully so, but I decided not to hold it
That old chestnut! C'mon now, that's one of the oldest excuses in the book - it's almost as bad as the "dog eating your homework" gimmick.
Before I went to bed last night, I said to myself " This is about the time, my old shipmate Coop wakes up, scratches his nuts, puts on a spot of tea, scratches some more and sits down in his tighty whiteys and cracks open S.S. and the first thing he will see is this and my drunken excuse"
I have 38 more excuses you haven't heard yet The alien anal probe, dick caught in a vacuum cleaner....
This was just a scene and I was gonna post it just on the thread.... I didn't realise how busy Don was...
I like this better.... This was the original premise... That the killer belong to an underground club of smoking hot women who all dressed as pussycats meowwww
Quoted from Dannyboy
Was expecting grammar issues and spelling mistakes left right and center, but I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised. It seems you're a fairly decent writer even when you're off your face Nice work.
I was expecting the same thing
Quoted from Alffy
I finished by wondering what or who is Rufus?
This was as creative as I could get I have no idea where the name came from? It's supposed to be an access word to some mystery vault.... I think.
I'm thinking it would be interesting not to see him bound to the chair and learn about it later in the story after you show her utter the first words, let us hear some groaning, then his dying (or dead) wife and then him bound to the chair.
You left me wanting more - she asked a code, he gave it to him - wish there were more of a story.
I was trying to setup the scene as a WTF just happened... with people wondering more about the code word and what does it mean and who is the mysterious killer.... I think
After all, we've all been there, you know, you have a few too many, post a reply on a site, often SS, then try and remember in the morning what you did on which thread etc And now you've upped the stakes and posted a whole script.
As it happens i rather liked it, until it ran out of steam, but for what it was, it had a nice edge. Needs some more, but you already know that.
I challenge you to give this a beginning and a middle, since this appears to be the end.
Not that this is a stinks in any shape or form, but next time i post one a poor script, i know what to say...it was the whiskey talking!! (as he necks another red wine)
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Hey Mark, I don't see too much wastedness on display here.
Actually for a short scene, it ain't bad at all.
Obviously, we know nothing about anyone or anything that's going on, but for what it is, it's alright by me. I just wish that hot little cat girl took her clothes off for us to see...or see in our minds at least.
last night I put on a spot of tea in tighty whiteys and said to myself "This is about the time I put my old dick and nuts in a vacuum cleaner and crack open S.S."
At least we all know what your next excuse will be.
I challenge you to give this a beginning and a middle, since this appears to be the end.
Not that this is a stinks in any shape or form, but next time i post one a poor script, i know what to say...it was the whiskey talking!! (as he necks another red wine)
This was supposed to be the beginning .... Always blame the alcohol... Thats what liverpool should do
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