Corpus Christi by Anonymous Charlie - Short - A homeless man and his mother beg the owner of a lonely motel for shelter from an approaching storm. - pdf, format 8)

A beach? Didn't think that was in the parameters. But perhaps the hotel in the pic was on a beach...hmmmmmm

You missed a slug BEACH near the end when Pollock is washing his hands in the tide.

I like the twist on this one at the end....didn't care too much for the rape scene however but did like the twist.

Good job!

Hmmm, a rather odd but ambitious entry here.

I really don't see the challenge being met here, but again, there is thought here and effort as well.

The writing isn't great, but not bad, either.  Same with the dialogue, not good, but not bad.

The subject matter here is the kind that will turn people off, most likely. The level of violence is shocking in a way, but the writing doesn't really do it justice, so some of the impact is lost in the prose.

I'm going to say good effort though, and vault this up into the top 5 that I've read so far.

Took me a second to figure out what was going on but it quickly became obvious:

Christopher Josephs - Jesus Christ
Maria - Mary
Virgin mother
Getting the crap beaten out of him - crucifixion
Fisher walking again - JC doing this miracle thing

Not the most original take but I guess it hits the supernatural mark.  The good/evil choice wasn't there.

Not much else to say because everyone already knows this story.  

Well written but felt like more of a retelling of Jesus rather than a take on the challenge.

Greg

Yeah, this had a good story but the writing could be better. Still one of my favorites so far.

I didn't really get it until I read Greg's post, so I think you should try to explain it a bit more, without being too obvious. Or maybe that's just me.

Great job completing the OWC.

Well, I like the ambition on display here. I didn't think it met the challenge parameters very well. Where was the decision between good and evil? The second coming of christ just got killed. I have no problems with the violence.

I did have problems with some of the writing. Some strange slug use and I didn't think we were allowed a beach in this story.

Good job entering the owc.

James

I guess I am not familiar enough with the bible to say, but Jesus came out from Mary's womb, did he not? She may have been a virgin, but wouldn't childbirth have broken the hymen? I guess you could argue that Christ going through it had immediately healed it.

I was familiar enough with Pontius Pilate to get all the references in the story, but I guess I don't know if that type of blood is ever mentioned.

This was definitely an interesting take on the story. Great job!

I do not read previous comments before I read a script, so here it goes for me:
Pg 2:  
Fisher spoke three times with no (CONT'D).  It didn't bother me, but it might some.

Pg 3:  
Thank God that's his mother!  Thought I was dealing with a cougar!
Christopher spoke twice with no (CONT'D)

Pg 4:
Christopher's line “A little bit.”  I didn't get it.  Not sure what he meant.

Nothing really to say after page 4, except a missed slug for the beach.  You got me at the end.  I didn't even get it until then.  I must be tired and you did a decent job with this.  Still need some special effects to pull off some of it, like Pollack going to the beach/water during the storm, but overall good job.  Plus, I think having the beach in it violates the rules, but still think this was a good effort for the short time given.  The violence was a little shocking, but it does leave an impression.

The name Kingston Fisher sounded weird when I first read it. Then I got it near the end. It's a modern retelling of Jesus Christ. I guess that's why their names are Josephs.

The supernatural elements are there. I didn't get who Pollock was. Was he meant to represent someone? The names Fisher, Joseph ring a bell, but not Pollock.

Anyway, overall a good entry.

Pollock was Pontius Pilate.

Very unusual take on the Christ story.  Guess there was room at the inn this time.  But it felt rather heavy handed to me, with Parish Pollock playing the role of Pontius Pilate.  There's even a shroud of Turin reference thrown in!  

And for a story with religious parallels, this had some creepy description:  "Eventually, he hears wetness and moisture with every penetration."

I just didn't buy into Pollock's "realization."  What exactly did he realize?  He just killed the son of God and raped the virgin Mary?  He's in a motel room in Texas, so that would be quite the deduction.

This one just didn't work for me.

It was good, although it was kind of obvious what the twist you were going for was. I'm not sure why the room wasn't empty and if it was just written that way because you needed it to be written that way.

Not a whole lot to say, but it was one of the better ones I've read so far.

B-.

You need to be careful writing this kind of stuff. Where is the justification? Why would Maria still be a virgin at 50? The Bible is very clear that 'relations' did not occur until after Christ was born. What is the point in saying they waited this long, and were carried out by PP?

Unless you ave a very valid reason for following along this route, I would say it is far better to stay away from such controversial issues. You certainly haven't established your validity within this script. You are treading on ground you clearly have neither understanding of, nor rights to.

I do to some extent assume you actually understand the meaning of 'Corpus Christi' beyond its literal?

Remember that you always have the option of asking for this to be taken down.

What's the problem here, Simon?  You drunk again?

Well, this just took a turn...

Quoted from Forgive You need to be careful writing this kind of stuff. ...

Si, I don't know you and all due respect, but writing and controversy kinda go hand in hand. JMHO.

Now, onto the script. This was a difficult OWC and the writer here has definitely come up with something ambitious and inventive.

A few awkward descriptions throughout which I might suggest were due to time constraints, particularly re the rape scene - (hey, sex/rape scenes are hard to depict) but overall I like this because it's a unique offering.

Good job for bringing something different to the challenge.

Yeah, sorry to repeat...

Well done for ambitious attempt of the bible story at the run down inn. I like the aim.

A few holes as mentioned above, and lets be honest, a major push of the rules of this competition - eg a beach, but something different and that's worth applauding.

Wasn't quite there for me.

I understood the story - the rape scene was a bit much though but I understand you wanted to show (and visually) that she was a virgin.

Dont know how it fits in the parameters of the competition - i mean who has the powers in your story and how this powers advance the story.

Maybe Pollock is a biblical figure as well? In this case im not familiar with it - my fault then)

Yikes.  Not to burst your bubble here but even if he was conceived by "immaculate conception" I do believe giving birth would have ummm...blown out her "lady area" enough to where she wouldn't bleed.  

Interesting idea for this challenge though.  

*Spoilers*

This one?  Mixed feelings.

Tight, competantly written - I give you credits on all those points.  The story itself - obviously disturbing one particularly sickening plot turn.  Which - mind you - I'm fine with sick...it's just that it seemed a bit gratuitous.  (Violence in service of the story, fine.  But throwing in a rape that isn't integral to story?  Not so much.)

Somethings just...  didn't scan.  The Beach in Texas?  (Huh?)  Then Maria's reaction - she doesn't do a single thing to save her son...just cowers in the corner like a wet dish rag.  Too passive, IMHO, even for a woman of peace.  I actually found myself flipping back in the story to see if she was handicapped in any way to explain that she didn't intercede. And then - why did the junkie just walk off into the water?  One weird moment, and he sees God?  (For Chr*st sakes - pun intended - he could've just been her adopted son!)

Mind you, I liked the allegory you were reaching for.  But the logic of why everyone was where they were didn't work.  Why then, what was the overall reason?  Random cooincidence just isn't satisfying to me.  It's got well written prose here - the story itself has the potential to be better.

BTW - I agree with other posters here.  If it was immaculate conception, the birth process would've - um - taken care of the evidence....

Cheers,

--J (W)

Page 1. For a micro budget, it’s best not to mention a specific place like ocean and Texas. It won’t matter unless that’s crucial to the story.

Page 2. I thought it was a bit odd how Christopher squeezes Fisher’s knee and Fisher doesn’t mind or says anything about it. I know plenty of guys who wouldn’t want a stranger squeezing their knee...

Page 3. Joseph and Maria...... and Christ? Let me guess, Fisher will be walking again before this story is over.

Page 5. What is Maria doing while Pollock fights with Christopher. She’s his mother. I doubt she would just be sitting there watching, but if she is, you should tell us. Right ow it’s if she’s not even there.

Page 6. So now this druggie is going to rape Maria after he killed Christopher. Where is this story going? This all seems to be happening for no reason. At least IMHO.

Do we really need to hear the wetness and moisture?

Page 7. Maria pulls her underwear down and sulks? Chose your words carefully...

Okay, so Pollock just killed Christ. I bet he feels bad...

Okay, so I was right about Fisher walking. I liked the idea of accidentally killing Christ, but your hints and clues were just way too obvious. I also wasn’t crazy about how you went about to get to the killing. It all felt just really yukky. Maybe because I was eating lunch while reading, the rape felt unfittingly gross for this story.

Good work for one week though.

Not bad, interesting choice to use an interpretation of Biblical events. I tripped over Pollock's realization because, frankly, I didn't know what the hell he just realized. Better if the audience is clued in before the character for more impact.

It's novel, but kind of gimmicky. Too much depended on the reader's knowledge of the Bible and figuring it out early enough. This probably would have been better if it were more obvious right from the start, it would have been more enjoyable throughout and the violence would have had a much greater impact. Instead, you rely on the reveal at the end to force a re-evaluation of everything that came before. Yes, the title is a strong hint but we can't take a title at face value.

Still, certainly one of the more creative entries, and memorable. This one's in the top half at least, probably top ten.

Wow.... Wasn't expecting this.... The story of Jesus based in a motel in Texas.... Is this the Prequel to the Passion of Christ..

Well you've got balls anyway so kudos for writing it....

I agree with Janet and Pia on his Mother sitting by doing nothing... that's her son she wouldn't sit and watch him get a beat to death..

Pollack is Pontius Pilate... Yes he asked the crowd who they should crucify.... But him personally beating Jesus to death... It's a different take.

And it did read well, it kept me intrigued...

Mark

Congrats on finishing the OWC!

I'm very surprised JC didn't use any of his super powers to save himself...again.
He's O and 2.

Unless he sent the hurricane to wipe us out again, why was he here?  In Texas?

Seriously, it may offend some people to see such senseless violence aimed at JC and VM for no preordained reason.  Other than to show the decline of morality and overall evilness in the world.

Didn't have too much to do with the contest, but I hope you got whatever it was out of your system.

Thanks for playing.  Heathen.  ;)

I liked it, no good versus evil but hardly any of the stories I've read so far have met all of the challenges. Good job in a weeks time and congrats on the OWC.

Nice idea with the bible reference, it was very different.  You shocked me with the rape scene but it made an strong visual impact.  Not sure it made all the requirements mind but others haven't either.

Actually, I liked this as it kept me interested throughout which some of the others haven't.

This script has the finesse of a rabid pitbull biting down on someone's scrotum.  There was nothing subtle to what happened.  And what the hell is:

Quoted Text Eventually, he hears wetness and moisture with every penetration.

??

You never need to be that descriptive.  Just mentioning thrusting is more than enough for the rape.

On a more positive note, your descriptions were pretty tight.  I guess that's something.


Phil


PS -- the guy in the wheelchair was Simon.

Different idea for the challenge. For the most part; well written, but this wasn't for me.

Picturing that kind of violence in the way it's depited here, I didn't like it, but that's just my feelings on it.

Non the less; good effort.

A very ambitious effort but this missed the mark for me overall. I don't have much to say on it really, the stories obvious and I can't be bothered looking to much into it. I can see why some wouldn't care for this one so it was a bold choice of story.

The writing was decent enough although the slugs were an issue.

One of more memorable ones for sure and like I say, ambitious but didn't do a lot for me.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

Quoted from LC Now, onto the script. This was a difficult OWC and the writer here has definitely come up with something ambitious and inventive.

I'm going to disagree here.  While creating characters out of Biblical figures, the author didn't really use his idea to its potential.  All of the comparisons between Christopher/Maria and Jesus/Mary were the obvious ones.  

I got the impression that the author never read the Bible but, rather, got his information from watching movies about it.  Christopher did not come off as a Messiah character.  Where is the wisdom?  Where's the forgiveness?  Where're the quotes from scripture?

Christopher might as well be wearing a t-shirt that reads:  I'M SUPPOSED TO BE JESUS!

The same applies to Maria.  Except for the painfully obvious, there's nothing there.


Phil

Corpus Christi by - A homeless man and his mother beg the owner of a lonely motel for shelter from an approaching storm.
Brief - Contemporary retelling of Jesus, his Mom, and Pontius Pilot.

Locations & Sets  -  Exterior, motel @ night. Interior, motel lobby @ night. Interior, motel room @ night
Actors  -  CHRISTOPHER JOSEPHS, 30's, MARIA JOSEPHS, 50's, KINGSTON FISHER, 40's, PARISH POLLOCK, 30's
Costumes  -  Christopher + Maria+ Parish’s outfits to ruin
Props  - desk bell, wheelchair, notebook, faux dusting of surfaces, lamp for destruction, liquid stage blood, 1x lumber pieces, hammer + box of nails, bed cover for ruin
Audio FX  -  howling wind, keys hitting floor, door slam, body slam crashes, soft and hard punches, ribs cracking, gasping for air, squishy sounds
Visual FX  -  
Other  - shop fan, windblown foliage debris, stunt pads for falls, plastic drop sheet to protect bed, night time outside rain effect around office
Genre & Marketability - supernatural drama and partial action
Comments  -  Don’t fabricate immaterial elements to the story such as hotel names and precise/limiting geographical features. Christopher picking glass mid-beating is rather ridiculous. Alright, bashing an actor’s head through a glass window is both dangerous and expensive; substitute some other sensible fight sequence. Interesting story. The violent rape will be a tough one to market. Script format: fine. Final word: Although all the elements for a contemporary parallel story are there, this is kinduva awkward approach to it.

$1,000 - $3,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.5 Screenplay Pages
= $  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - nope
between good or evil - nope
in order to survive the night. - nope
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - not really
that factors into their choice. - nope
Genre is open. - supernatural drama and partial action
This is a micro-budget short, - yep, with some work
so no destruction of the motel, - yep, with some work
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

I think this is another script written by a newish screenwriter.  

The story itself is told in a  pretty heavy handed way (and if you take a look at a film that tells sort of the same story, Cool Hand Luke for instance, you will see why).  The characters and the dialogue here are underdeveloped by comparison.  

It's obvious what this story is about because we are hit over the head with it - not because the layers of the story unfold into the recognized pattern.

Though it's hard to be subtle in a script, sometimes you need a bit of subtlety.  I think this is an example of one of those times.  

It was clever to use this idea for your OWC script and it has potential - but it still needs some work.  Try to tell the story without being so obvious about it.

Hope that helps.

Not bad, pretty good in fact.

I really enjoyed that twist at the ending, thought it was done really well. The dialogue could've been a tad better but I'm not going to pick on it much.

For a week's effort, this was a good piece of work. It was simple and got to the point.

Although some people may get butthurt the rape of Maria. Jk :P, all in good fun.

My grade: B. Good job.