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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Corpus Christi - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Corpus Christi - 10/12 OWC  (currently 3908 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Corpus Christi by Anonymous Charlie - Short - A homeless man and his mother beg the owner of a lonely motel for shelter from an approaching storm. - pdf, format


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pale yellow
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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A beach? Didn't think that was in the parameters. But perhaps the hotel in the pic was on a beach...hmmmmmm

You missed a slug BEACH near the end when Pollock is washing his hands in the tide.

I like the twist on this one at the end....didn't care too much for the rape scene however but did like the twist.

Good job!


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm, a rather odd but ambitious entry here.

I really don't see the challenge being met here, but again, there is thought here and effort as well.

The writing isn't great, but not bad, either.  Same with the dialogue, not good, but not bad.

The subject matter here is the kind that will turn people off, most likely. The level of violence is shocking in a way, but the writing doesn't really do it justice, so some of the impact is lost in the prose.

I'm going to say good effort though, and vault this up into the top 5 that I've read so far.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  October 20th, 2012, 4:37pm
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greg
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Took me a second to figure out what was going on but it quickly became obvious:

Christopher Josephs - Jesus Christ
Maria - Mary
Virgin mother
Getting the crap beaten out of him - crucifixion
Fisher walking again - JC doing this miracle thing

Not the most original take but I guess it hits the supernatural mark.  The good/evil choice wasn't there.

Not much else to say because everyone already knows this story.  

Well written but felt like more of a retelling of Jesus rather than a take on the challenge.

Greg


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crookedowl
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, this had a good story but the writing could be better. Still one of my favorites so far.

I didn't really get it until I read Greg's post, so I think you should try to explain it a bit more, without being too obvious. Or maybe that's just me.

Great job completing the OWC.
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jwent6688
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I like the ambition on display here. I didn't think it met the challenge parameters very well. Where was the decision between good and evil? The second coming of christ just got killed. I have no problems with the violence.

I did have problems with some of the writing. Some strange slug use and I didn't think we were allowed a beach in this story.

Good job entering the owc.

James


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Felipe
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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I guess I am not familiar enough with the bible to say, but Jesus came out from Mary's womb, did he not? She may have been a virgin, but wouldn't childbirth have broken the hymen? I guess you could argue that Christ going through it had immediately healed it.

I was familiar enough with Pontius Pilate to get all the references in the story, but I guess I don't know if that type of blood is ever mentioned.

This was definitely an interesting take on the story. Great job!


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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I do not read previous comments before I read a script, so here it goes for me:
Pg 2:  
Fisher spoke three times with no (CONT'D).  It didn't bother me, but it might some.

Pg 3:  
Thank God that's his mother!  Thought I was dealing with a cougar!
Christopher spoke twice with no (CONT'D)

Pg 4:
Christopher's line “A little bit.”  I didn't get it.  Not sure what he meant.

Nothing really to say after page 4, except a missed slug for the beach.  You got me at the end.  I didn't even get it until then.  I must be tired and you did a decent job with this.  Still need some special effects to pull off some of it, like Pollack going to the beach/water during the storm, but overall good job.  Plus, I think having the beach in it violates the rules, but still think this was a good effort for the short time given.  The violence was a little shocking, but it does leave an impression.


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kingcooky555
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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The name Kingston Fisher sounded weird when I first read it. Then I got it near the end. It's a modern retelling of Jesus Christ. I guess that's why their names are Josephs.

The supernatural elements are there. I didn't get who Pollock was. Was he meant to represent someone? The names Fisher, Joseph ring a bell, but not Pollock.

Anyway, overall a good entry.
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Felipe
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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Pollock was Pontius Pilate.


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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Ryan1
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Very unusual take on the Christ story.  Guess there was room at the inn this time.  But it felt rather heavy handed to me, with Parish Pollock playing the role of Pontius Pilate.  There's even a shroud of Turin reference thrown in!  

And for a story with religious parallels, this had some creepy description:  "Eventually, he hears wetness and moisture with every penetration."

I just didn't buy into Pollock's "realization."  What exactly did he realize?  He just killed the son of God and raped the virgin Mary?  He's in a motel room in Texas, so that would be quite the deduction.

This one just didn't work for me.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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It was good, although it was kind of obvious what the twist you were going for was. I'm not sure why the room wasn't empty and if it was just written that way because you needed it to be written that way.

Not a whole lot to say, but it was one of the better ones I've read so far.

B-.


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Forgive
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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You need to be careful writing this kind of stuff. Where is the justification? Why would Maria still be a virgin at 50? The Bible is very clear that 'relations' did not occur until after Christ was born. What is the point in saying they waited this long, and were carried out by PP?

Unless you ave a very valid reason for following along this route, I would say it is far better to stay away from such controversial issues. You certainly haven't established your validity within this script. You are treading on ground you clearly have neither understanding of, nor rights to.
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Forgive
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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I do to some extent assume you actually understand the meaning of 'Corpus Christi' beyond its literal?

Remember that you always have the option of asking for this to be taken down.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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What's the problem here, Simon?  You drunk again?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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