A Light In Room Twelve by Anonymous Ned - Short - A couple seek refuge in a motel during a hurricane, despite the inn keeper's warnings. - pdf, format 8)

I found myself enjoying this one.

You meet all the requirements, except the micro-budget. There are some things that simply can't be done without a fair bit of money, such as the door under the bed, the hand through the carpet and the make-up needed to create a demon.

However, I thought the writing was good and all the other parameters were met.

You have this interesting back-story that you don't spend enough time on, IMO. I'd love to know a little more about what happened with the couple's daughter. I didn't think this was explained enough and it left me feeling a little left out.

Not my favourite, but definitely one of the better ones, so far.

Good job on completing the OWC.

Dan

This was actually pretty good. Certainly up there among the batch that I've read. No mistakes that I'm aware of except "BATHROOM" looks odd as an orphan on page 9.

Well done.

Very interesting and well written. I agree with Dan in that I wish we could have known more about the couple's daughter. Great job all around and congrats on writing the OWC.

Well, the good news is that this is not bad, but for me, it's not much, either.

The writing here is OK, but there are little issues here and there, some awkward lines, and a bunch of very strange large areas of white, sometimes even in the middle of a page.

I guess most or all of the requirements are met here, but story-wise, it seems like it was either thrown together quickly, or it's actually a much larger piece - or needs to be a much larger piece.

I don't get much character in any of the characters, and that's probably why it doesn't move me in any way.  same with everyone's dialogue - just nothing remotely memorable, and Maggie doesn't speak like a human, as she continually uses Stephen's name in her dialogue and rarely if ever uses any contractions.

I'm probably being picky, cuz this ain't half bad, just feels like a rush job from a good writer who had to throw something together.   Best of this last bunch, but that ain't gonna get you much.  Good job entering, though.

I sorta got into this. The ending was a bit muddled, perhaps the writer was close to deadline?

Good leadup and everything, but one major question: How do stephen and his wife get into Room 12? Do they break into the motel? That isn't explained at all.

Anyway nice effort

Cheers stevie

I really liked this right up until about page 8 and then you kinda lost me.

Loved the TwilightZone feel of the couple being unable to get out of the room etc. and furniture bouncing off the window etc.

Unfort. it just got a bit messy after that.

Not perfectly written - there are some awkward dialogue/description passages here but overall still a quite entertaining read. With a revamp this could be great. Def. in my 'best of' list.

Good job.

Quoted from stevie How do stephen and his wife get into Room 12? Do they break into the motel? That isn't explained at all.

Stephen stole the key while Boris was ushering his arse out of the lobby.

Quoted from Dreamscale Stephen stole the key while Boris was ushering his arse out of the lobby.

Yes I know that! How do they get back into the motel? Climb up the frigging outside?

Quoted from stevie Yes I know that! How do they get back into the motel? Climb up the frigging outside?

Pole vault, or maybe a rope ladder falls down, or they have some kind of device on them to get in or out of the mote, like The Little Giant utility super ladder.l.

Quoted from stevie Yes I know that! How do they get back into the motel? Climb up the frigging outside?

Pretty sure whoever wrote this might of been a tad hammied at the time, but I see it says "one story building" in the establishing scene.  

Fantastic job here. Pat yourself on the back, whoever you are. Seemed a bit rushed, but I dug the last line the demon delivered to the priest.

Good job entering the owc.

James

This one was serviceable. Like LC, I enjoyed the first eight pages more than the rest. I'll be honest and say that once the fantastical stuff started, I started to lose interest. I wasn't a fan of the way it was being done with the corpse, demon, book of the dead-weirdness that was going on.

Of course, if you wrote it the way I was describing, people would have complained to you (rightly so) that you didn't follow the supernatural rules so it was kind of a catch-22.

Anyway, it was fine overall, but you had a few unanswered questions and some not-so good stuff but it was fine.

C.

I liked this. Solid writing, nice atmosphere to the whole thing. I think I have an idea of who wrote this...

I think it wrapped up too quickly, but with the page limit and deadline, I don't really blame you.

I was never very clear on the whole Cynthia subplot, but maybe that's just me.

This would work better if it was a few pages longer, IMO.

Great job completing the OWC.

I liked this, for the most part, up until the end.  Then, it stumbled at the finish line, IMO.  Good, suspenseful setup with Stephen stealing the keys.  Then the creep factor gets raised with the old diary.  The stage is set.

But for me, this requirement of the supernatural histories of each character is what's killing a lot of these scripts.  Instead of building tension in the here and now, the writer has to spend a page or so shoehorning these backstories in.  

This script in particular I think would have worked better with a straight Twilight Zone setup of the couple in the motel slowly going out of their minds as they realize they can't get out.  It was hard to care about their dead daughter, because we never met her.  I wanted to keep the focus squarely on them.

The ending with Boris didn't grab me.  And, I'm not sure why he was dressing like a priest in that one scene, only to wind up drinking whiskey when the demon shows up.  I actually thought he was going to try and break the couple out of the room.  

Anyway, good job on nailing most of the parameters of the owc.  But I think you should rewrite this, this time without any restrictions hindering the story.  

A decent effort that would probably benefit from being longer and developing the central characters and the backstory of their daughter more. The build up was good, but it felt a little rushed in the end, most likely due to the page restrictions.

The journal informing them of the terrifying predicament they're in was a nice touch, but it was also was way too expository. I found myself thinking "If she was trapped in this f*cked up haunted room, why the hell was she writing a detailed journal on what she would have to do to stop the spirit?".

I'm pretty certain I know who wrote this, and while it didn't live up to some of his other writing (which is easy forgivable in a OWC), it still had plenty of his trademark creepy imagery (The empty bible; The arm coming from underneath the bed; The oozing TV).

Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel?
Check.

Odd but interesting character(s)?
Check. A disavowed priest who buried sinners under the motel's floorboards? Boris definitely fits into this category! Although I did find Stephen (great name) and Maggie fairly uninspiring, but this may be simply down to the fact that we didn't have enough time to get to know them better.

Choosing between good & evil to survive the night?
Check. Stephen sacrificing himself in order to save his wife, but in the process releasing a demon was a good twist.

Past supernatural event?
Ghost daughter… Check!

Micro budget?
Fail. This would definitely require a sizeable budget to make all the effects look good.

Congratulations on writing a solid OWC entry.

I liked it.

Liked the idea of the Priest burying the sinners. Liked the suspense of the room. Although it was the kind of stuff that's been seen before (haunted room, somethng under the bed etc) it still worked well enough.

Agree with Ryan about the back story. Seemed to get in the way. I also agree with those who said it could be longer.

Good job overall.

This wasn't bad.  Well written, good story, ok characters.  Definitely hit the mark as far as the brief goes with the exception that it certainly was not microbudget.   A casket in a trap door under the bed is going to cost - no matter how you look at it.  Whether the story would work without it, is anyone's guess, however.  

Good job for an OWC.

This fit the criteria and flowed well. The story was interesting and the longline IMO is the best of the bunch.

Think the scene with the key being stolen needs a little clean up though, might be just me, but it read a little awkward. I don't think I pictured it how it's supposed to be pictured.

Good job.

The dialogue really needs a do-over.  I feel like so much good in this piece lost its impact because the dialogue was so cheesy and expository.  The very beginning for example.  Power's out, but there's a light on in room twelve.  That's a holy sh*t moment right there; I'm not kidding, I actually got chills.  But then the motel owner just passes it off, "oh, that room has always had an energy".  Boom, chills extinguished.

Then, when the woman starts talking about their dead daughter and the medium, I cringed.  So unnatural...

It had some good moments, and it'd work well on screen.  Just work on the dialogue.

Nice effort.

Generally a simple tale, a couple trapped in a haunted room with a pissed off demon. Tight and focused.

The reading from the journal was just too much though to buy into, especially as its been there 30years, but hey this is an OWC.

Sorry to repeat but the end is when it lost me as we'll. One option, not low budget, would be their daughter to be the solution, she appears to defend them. Need a re gig for that but the journal was too on the nose for me. Aso play up on the wife's inability to move on after the loss of child, maybe with a more suspicious, dis beleiveing husband. You do use some but a but more throughout would work. The different methods of grief could serve well to add tension.

His death at the end I didn't like, but that's a personal thing.

Good effort considering the restrictions and time.

If this isn’t written by who I think then I promise to shave my head when the authors are revealed… hopefully I’m right because I kinda like my hair. ;D

Anyway, moving on to the story which is isn’t bad at all. You’ve created quite a creepy little tale here especially with the limitations but I think you’ve blown the budget a bit.

It started off nicely and got straight into the action although I do question Boris' reaction to finding out the light is on in room 12, he’s almost egging Stephen on. What I mean is, for him to say this room never loses power and that they never let anyone stay in there would pique anybody’s curiosity. A bit slack for someone trying to get this man away from the motel.

When they got into the room and found the blank bible and journal was the highlight here, really well handled, and kept me invested in the story. I even like the exposition here about the daughter even though the dead child thing is tad overused nowadays but tough challenges sometimes call for simple solutions. Did it slow down the pace or harm the creepy factor going on… probably, but to keep in line with the restrictions, it’s what you had to do.

I was a bit curious about Boris in this middle section, he saw the key gone and got all dressed up so I thought he was to going to help these people in dire trouble, but he ended up sitting down and having a glass of whiskey. It was almost like he knew what was coming, that Stephen was going to release the demon.

I like that Stephen sacrificed himself to save his wife but sawing off his hand was maybe a little close to another movie which had the same predicament. Maybe there’s another way to go about this… something to think about.  I’m guessing by doing what he did, it released the demon from some spell keeping it contained in that room and hence the finale with Boris.

But this made Boris’ actions before even the more questionable, if he knew this was possible then why didn’t he try to help them? The final showdown could be given some more, would have been nice to see Boris at least put up a fight but hey, you can only fit so much in 12 pages. I think you could easily expand on this to make it a much stronger story.

I’m not even going to bother with the writing, it’s good like always and I only spotted a few little things anyway. If I had a complaint, it would be the dialogue which is a little sketchy at times but this is a first draft and that’s what re-writes are for.

A fine piece here, definitely in my top 5 so far.

Great work.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

It's interesting that there are a lot of entries that feature a motel with one evil room that won't be rented out because of some past supernatural evil.  I've always wondered why those rooms were even still there?  Or if someone somehow died in them why, like, was there no investigation or something?  I dunno, just a thought.  Or why would the key to the room be hanging on the rack if Boris didn't have any intention on ever renting it out?

The ending didn't work for me at all since Boris was an afterthought for much of the story and all of a sudden he's the central character against this demon.

The middle part I liked.  I think you really took advantage of the motel room and used it to its full potential to create some really creepy occurrences.

The back story with the kid I didn't fully get.  Was she possessed?  And was it 6 months ago?  Why haven't they been home in 6 months?  I may have missed something but that went over my head.  I liked how it played into the story toward the end but up until then I wasn't too sure.

Overall it's a good job.

Greg

One of the best first pages I've read so far. I had high hopes after that, but it kind of went downhill from there. Great writing but after a while the narrative started leading me by the nose, a bit forced and sometimes the dialogue stated what was already obvious through subtext.

The cuts to the lobby weren't effective, they only slowed things down and I'm not sure why they were even there. I feel like I missed some connection between the couple and the manager, and really there should be. It's either the manager's story or it's the couple's story, you can't have it both ways unless they're tied together.

Some great writing, hit-and-miss storytelling, stop-and-go pacing, but the tone really hit the mark. Overall, it's got loads of potential and could be really something with a rewrite. Good job.

While I liked the story, I thought that the dialog was on-the-nose and forced.  The final entry in the journal told us everything we needed to know in fifteen seconds.  The final conversation, on the last page was the same.  You don't need to tell us everything at the beginning.  Sometimes, you don't even have to tell us everything at all.

SPOILER SPACE
                   SPACE
                        SPACE

Why would Boris leave the key to room 12 where anyone can just grab it?  Why not hide it?  Or destroy it?  Leaving it out like that reminds of the scene in Monsters vs. Aliens where you see that the red button for the coffee machine is right next to the red button to launch the nukes.  In MvA, this was meant to instill humor.  In this script, it only welcomes cliched disaster.


Phil

This one read very easily and I enjoyed it from the start... although the ending between Boris and the Demon, I felt was unnecessary.

It would also have worked better if we found out more about the daughter.

BUt overall a good entry

Mark

A solid job. Would look great on film.

The dialogue was fine at the start but it slowly just started becoming lazy and made you cringe. The last line by the demon was nicely executed.

The story has been told many times before but I thought the ending was different, which gave it a nice take on the genre.

A small clean up would benefit this greatly.

My grade: B-.

A Light In Room Twelve by - A couple seek refuge in a motel during a hurricane, despite the inn keeper's warnings.
Brief - desperate couple seeks to regain their deceased child’s spirit from a corpse buried under a motel room.

Locations & Sets  -  Exterior, motel @ night. Interior, motel lobby @ night. Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, motel office @ night. Interior, casket location
Actors  -  Stephen (33), Boris (72), Maggie (30), grey arm from under the bed/ old witch
Costumes  -  priest costume, witch’s costume
Props  -  flashlight, CRT TV w/ set top antenna, Bible, Stephen’s “bag”, flashlights x 2, journal w/ red ribbon, Mary Magdalene statue, votive candles, rosary beads, whiskey bottle, hanging wall mirror, hunting knife, replacement carpet for the room, floorboards, trap door, faux dust, casket, decayed corpse, incense + thurible w/ chain, oozing black, smoke machine, wallet sized girl photo, prosthetic wrist, liquid stage blood, towel
Audio FX  -  Storm wind sounds, door slam, latch click, door bell jingle, Boris screams
Visual FX  - red glowing witch eyes
Other  -  Hurricane wind&rain stock video, car, outside rain effect over parking lot, grey make up, heavy duty wall hooks for mirror, drywall repair, thick mil plastic to protect room’s real carpet, ooze delivery system, faux vent, set aside for kicked door damage/replacement, makeup artist
Genre & Marketability - supernatural horror suspense
Comments  -  Don’t be so limiting specific with your building descriptions. Getting the manager to have all the lights off save one is going to be a hassle. By pg7 I already know this story cannot justify the budget; reading from here on is pure charity on my behalf for story’s sake rather than thoughtful analysis. You are not going to get anything to bounce off a window in a micro budget short unless you have some pretty keen CGI skills. You’re also not going to find wooden floors with a crawlspace beneath beneath them, either. Bouncing furniture off windows and cutting away carpets to reveal wooden floorboards with doorways to spaces below a motel room are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced. Sawing off a hand is not likely to lead to death. Script format: needs work. Final word: Nice action, but cost prohibitive missable story.

$5,000 - $7,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 10.7 Screenplay Pages
= $467 - $654  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - nope, they are not forced
between good or evil - not really
in order to survive the night. - nope
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - no choice to be made
Genre is open. - supernatural horror suspense
This is a micro-budget short, - nope
so no destruction of the motel, - nope, but will have to build an off-site artificial floor
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

* Spoilers*

Probably in my top five or so.  I enjoyed the story - competantly written, with an engaging backstory.  It *did* fall flat for me on the last page...felt like the info with Boris and the Demon came out of nowhere.  To improve this one, I'd personally suggest adding more hints of the ending into the rest of the story.

Other suggestions - have the couple more excited/alarmed as things start to go awry (they seem almost too calm, over things like not being able to leave the room.)  And Stephen REALLY seemed to jump the gun.  If it were me, I'd need a HECK of alot more convincing before killing myself by sawing off my own arm..

My two cents, FWIW.  :)  

The writing is handled with true craftsmanship. No doubt about that.

The story does some things very well, others I'm not sure yet. I think again we have the problem of too many parameters for the OWC causing issues. The writer seems at times to be struggling with checking them all off the list, and the result is that maybe there is too much going on here for a short.

My biggest question was why does Boris the priest, who wants to keep people out of the room, keep a key hanging behind the desk within reach? He said he never rents the room. I don't mean to nitpick, but that''s kind of a big thing.

Being trapped in the room, that part I liked. Tension ramped up nicely at that point. The girl leaving a journal about what happened to her, I really liked that too. Though I think more should be done with that on rewrite.

The baby in the parents home part, that felt thrown in just to meet the supernatural requirement. I'd ditch that.

Strong writing, some moments of well developed tension, a cool basic concept. When freed from OWC constraints, this one could round into shape.

This is one the best I've read so far, although it did have a few issues.  

The key has been mentioned by most and I agree with them.

I think perhaps the other issues I have were due to time/page restrictions.  Stephen is quick to search and room and open the casket but then just as quick to retreat to the bathroom.  I was a little confused by Maggie and Stephen talking about the medium and referring to the journal, I gather the medium is someone they talk to about their own loss?

Anyway this was a decent read.

Sorry for not writing a long reply. I did like this one though. Quite a bit even! I guess if I were to film this one, I would have to order another corspe from the skeleton store.  ;D  8)

Good work!

James, I really enjoyed this. Just wanted to let you know it had my vote.

Libby

Quoted from LC James, I really enjoyed this. Just wanted to let you know it had my vote. Libby

Thanks Libby, and thanks to everyone who took the time to read. Finally got power back here in C-town. Sandy was a real bitch.

I agree with most of the comments on this. The supernatural backstory really led to some on the nose dialogue. I also wanted to have the priest attempt to get them out, but I was running short on time and pages, so I really just had him prepare to die.  I felt he needed to make a decision too. He could've just taken off, but he waited to face the demon one last time.

The journal itself was all lies. The demon wrote it. I was actually going to have words appear on the pages, slowly leading them to their demise, but I was already over budget.

Good OWC everyone. Will be interesting to see what Michael and Pia can make out of some of these.

James

Going back through my notes and this one was in my top four. I don't have a ton of notes except excellent writing but it may have gone a lil over budget.

Really great lil story.